The famous philosopher Nietzsche once said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
Recovering from a divorce can be especially difficult if an affair helped cause it. If your ex had an affair, this particular chapter might be of interest to you. It gives some basic information about affairs. There are many books and resources on affairs to support you if you have been the victim of infidelity. Seek additional resources on this if necessary—knowledge of affairs can be extremely helpful to you during this time.
When someone has an affair, it would seem that they do not give a damn about their relationship; there is no excuse for their behavior. Maybe you’ve heard about others’ affairs, but having it happen to you is just awful. It’s worth noting that there are different types of affairs, and that affairs are actually quite common—this might make you look at yourself and the state of marriage in a whole new light.
Realize you aren’t alone. Basic Internet research finds this stunning statistic in numerous places: in six out of ten marriages one of the partners has an affair! If six out of ten people have had an affair, there is a chance someone you know has had this happen to him or her—and quite possibly you’ve had it happen to you.
From the outset, an affair appears to be the ultimate betrayal and a total relationship killer. Why would someone have an affair?
According to the Kinsey Report, 60 percent of all married partners have engaged in affairs. In The Evolution of Desire, David Buss showed that 26 percent of married women had cheated and between 25 and 75 percent of men had cheated.
It would seem that in the case of an affair the cheating partner is looking for emotional or sexual intimacy missing in the marriage. But why wouldn’t they just let their partner know what they need?
Affairs are complicated and happen for many different reasons. The most common reason is that the person isn’t getting the love or intimacy that they are seeking from their marriage. But why wouldn’t they just let their partner know what they need to be happy in the partnership? Most affairs are kept secret because the cheating spouse has no intention of leaving the marriage. In this book we are focusing on one type of infidelity: the exit affair.
In her excellent book, Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, Emily Brown discusses exit affairs, which occur when someone has an affair to end the marriage. They are too afraid to confront their partner, so this is a way for them to leave the marriage. Generally, the exiting spouse thinks that the marriage is dead and beyond repair.
In most other types of affairs, great concern is taken to hide the infidelity from the partner; this is not the case with an exit affair. In an affair that isn’t an exit affair, the cheating partner, when discovered, will give up the relationship to save the marriage.
Some marriages recover from affairs, but usually the prognosis for an exit affair is pretty grim: the cheating partner is definitely leaving. Seventeen percent of all divorces list an affair as a contributing factor.1
It’s a rough way to go for the partner who is left behind.
Few experiences can match the pain of an extramarital affair. From the joy of dating and the first intimacy you have with someone to the marriage proposal and planning a life together, the feeling of marriage is that you have “come home” in a sense, and that you have it made with this one person. Many couples have children together, and you become a family. Over years of marriage, the intimacy deepens. Life experiences shared are innumerable.
And then an affair happens, and it’s a crushing blow. The betrayal is stunning. To find out about an exit affair is the most bitter of endings for any marriage. It’s hard to reconcile for the partner who was cheated on, because they are blindsided.
Chances are, if you are reading this book, an exit affair might be the reason. Having information about exit affairs can help you realize that you aren’t alone, and that there is little chance of reconciliation. However, it’s still good to know if you have the hallmarks of an exit affair, so you don’t have to sit around wondering what will happen. You can take steps to protect yourself emotionally and financially from the person who is leaving.
The consequences of an exit affair happen quickly— the betrayed spouse has no time to get up to speed on emotionally detaching from the marriage. One day their spouse is there and things are working, and the next their spouse is gone. It’s emotional abandonment at its height. Also, it’s financial abandonment, marriage abandonment, and family abandonment. It’s hard to have any sympathy or ongoing concern for someone who leaves a marriage by an exit affair. It can cause hard feelings for many years, and some people are never able to forgive their ex-partner, especially if there are children involved.
Adding to the bitterness of a divorce is when the person who had the affair is unrepentant about their behavior. This makes it even harder for everyone in the family to accept, specifically the soon-to-be ex-spouse. It’s rubbing salt into an existing wound, causing the tone of the divorce to be quite punitive.
For example, it’s not atypical for the spouse involved in an exit affair to tell family and friends that they have someone new in their life and that this person has all of the qualities that they were missing in their marriage. And that everyone will have to get used to this new person. It’s quite common.
When someone is having an affair (an exit affair or any other type of affair) lying becomes common. The person who is cheating will often lie to their spouse’s face. It’s a common characteristic of affairs. When the partner finds out about all of the lies they were told over time, it’s devastating. Most marriages are based on trust, and lying shatters all respect for the other person.
If you are stunned and angry about what happened to you, it’s okay—this is normal. It’s a measure of how much you loved and trusted your partner. Do not feel bad for being outraged and so upset that you don’t know what to do. There is nothing off about feeling burned by what has happened. You would not be normal if you were not really upset by an affair. There is nothing wrong with you—you have been wronged. And so has your whole family!
Marie’s husband began leaving home for long periods of time. He lost thirty pounds, and he couldn’t perform in bed. He told his wife he was having some type of breakdown and didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life.
Marie’s friends told her repeatedly that they thought he was having an affair, but their comments fell on deaf ears. Marie was blind, saying, “Oh, he loves me. We have seven- and nine-year-old boys together. I trust him. He would never do that to our family.”
One day, while her husband was getting out of the shower, she noticed that he had shaved his pubic area. When questioned, he told Marie that he had done it for her, but they hadn’t had sex in six months so that didn’t make any sense. She also found a picnic basket in the garage with the remainders of wine and cheese and crackers in it. Marie began to observe his behavior more closely. He was texting a lot, but not with her.
She picked up a magazine at the grocery store with an article titled “Six Signs Your Spouse Is Having an Affair.” Her husband exhibited every sign. He started to criticize her for small things, dismissed her opinions, threw a fit one night for no apparent reason and slammed the garage door shut so hard it pushed the door jamb through the sheet rock. Although he knew Marie didn’t care for tattoos, he began to talk about how he wanted to get a full sleeve of tattoos on his arm.
She mentioned over coffee one morning that she wanted to spend part of the year in Arizona when they retired, and he replied, “I don’t know where I want to retire! Stop talking about it!” When she asked him what happened to the nice guy she married, he gave her a response that was so weird, it gave her pause. He replied, “Oh, he’s gone. I killed him and buried him in the backyard.”
When she asked about their marriage, he said that he wasn’t going anywhere and that he loved her and the boys. In the meantime, he continued to lie about everything. Marie’s radar became finely tuned, and she was so mad that she tried to distance herself from him at home. She also tried to sleep on the couch, but he would follow her and lie on the ground and hold her hand, saying he was sorry and insisting she return to the bedroom. One night he refused to attend a musical with their family that they had bought tickets for months before. Then he didn’t come home one night. Marie sat up all night, and it dawned on her in a very real way what was happening.
When she couldn’t take it anymore, she confronted her husband, and he left the same day. He told her that he had a new partner and that he was emotionally attached to her. He grew his hair out, started to wear a ponytail, got a huge tattoo, and basically turned into another person.
Behavior that seems out of character and dramatic statements such as “I never loved you”; “I am not sure why we got married”; and “I’m happy now—I wasn’t happy before” are common in the aftermath of an exit affair.
What is such a shame about an exit affair is that everyone in the family gets left, children included, so that this one person can be happy. If you are going through an exit affair, you should consider reading up on narcissism. Narcissists may marry, but they can leave a relationship pretty quickly without too much personal turmoil.
What happened to Marie? She got some good counseling, eventually got over her ex, received a solid divorce settlement, and made a new life for herself and her children. This is how she sums up what happened:
“Well, he really loved me for about thirteen years, until he didn’t. For years, everything I did was fine. Everyone has idiosyncrasies and I had mine and it was all good, until he didn’t love me anymore, and then everything was my fault, and he trotted out reasons to leave.”
One common myth about affairs is that the spouse who was cheated on wasn’t a good partner. This isn’t true.
The spouse who was cheated on doesn’t need to feel like they were at fault for the affair. The Accidental Divorcée went on a trip and happened to meet up with an experienced psychologist who told her, “You know, in the case of affairs, it’s always more about the person who had the affair. You are a victim, and this isn’t your fault. This person would probably have had an affair on anyone they were married to. It has a lot more to do with who they are, so don’t own this. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Scott, a forty-four-year-old aerospace engineer with one daughter, was abandoned by his wife after she had an exit affair. He puts it nicely: “She thinks that by moving out and changing her job and her address that she can turn into the new person. Well, the point is that wherever you go, or move, you show up there. She will still have the same problems, because she is the same person. You cannot run away from yourself.”
Robin, a nurse and mother of three teens, experienced an exit affair and says: “There is something that he must absolutely not be able stand in himself to do this. He must hate some side of himself to just walk away from a family. You can rearrange all of the furniture in your house, but at the end of the day, it’s still the same house.”
If your spouse had an exit affair to end the marriage, you may be tempted to find out all you can about it. But this can be a problem. Don’t chase texts and phone calls and e-mails. You don’t know what you don’t know about an affair—when it started, where and how they met—and that is a good thing. Under these circumstances, ruminating can mean ruination.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss when it comes to finding out about an affair because of the pain involved. It’s important to realize that an affair is something that, like a very sharp sword, will slay you if you let it. It’s like a crocodile—don’t engage too long in speculation or it will roll you and take you down.
Obsession is when you think about the other person constantly, wondering what they are doing, who they are with, and if they have a lover. You focus on them being together. It’s not healthy. If you don’t read anything else in this book, read this and stow it for thought because it’s important: if someone has left and you are obsessing about them, you are engaging in the one activity that will not ever make you feel any better or help you recover from your divorce.
But you can cry, take a walk, call a friend, run two miles, or write to that person who is gone and will never, ever come back, and all of those things will make you feel better.
Obsession tends to be a bigger issue when a marriage breaks down because of an extramarital affair. If this is your situation, keep in mind that obsession has no restorative value for your psyche. Obsessing for a period of time after losing a love or a marriage is a normal thing to do, but if you are looking to move on with your life, it’s better not to obsess—at least not for too long. It’s incredibly destructive to you!
Sometimes after an affair, the injured party has the urge to stalk Facebook for pictures, drive by their ex’s house, or plot to harm the affair partner. While these impulses are understandable, what you do can affect the rest of your life. Men often feel that some retaliatory action needs to be taken, especially if their wife is being intimate with another man. The Accidental Divorcée says to take steps to make sure that you don’t confront anyone.
Talking to the affair partner is usually a bad idea. It compromises your integrity and can lead to a restraining order, which will look bad in court and look bad on paper. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. (Do you really want to explain on every job interview why you have a restraining order on your arrest record? Wait a minute—you will have an arrest record? Stop! Don’t do it.) Also, approaching your ex-partner’s lover only makes you appear antagonistic and makes your ex feels justified in leaving. It will only serve to bring them together, not tear things apart.
If you’re afraid you might do something, you can avoid finding out that person’s name until after your divorce. It’s also worth knowing that there are ways for a person to find out if you are Googling them or trying to look them up on social media channels like Facebook or LinkedIn. Avoid painting yourself in a bad light.
Will’s take on his wife’s affair may be helpful to you if you’re tempted to confront the affair partner: “I don’t blame the guy Janie ended up with; I hold Janie responsible for her betrayal.”
If you feel like taking matters into your own hands and doing something drastic, get professional help immediately.
If you find yourself making a plan to execute and figure out just how this person could be hurt, reach out to a friend, family member, pastor, or medical professional, and get help before you do something that will devastate everyone around you. They are called “crimes of passion” for a reason.
Elizabeth, a twenty-nine-year-old career counselor, found out that her husband was having an affair. In the end, after lots of threats and drama, Elizabeth left him because he refused to give up his lover. Elizabeth talked to her friends, sisters, and mother about the affair for months after it happened. She seemed less concerned with other aspects of her divorce than with the “darned affair,” as her father called it.
Elizabeth eventually had a breakdown. She didn’t sleep for three days and ended up seeing a psychologist, who asked her, “So, why do you think about them all the time?” She couldn’t answer him, but she did continue to talk about it all of the time in therapy. On her fourth visit, she came into the office and told the therapist, “I think about them all of the time because since he left, I am alone. I am afraid of the future, and I am scared of being all by myself. I am not sure what will happen, but it’s easier to worry about what they are doing than about what will happen to me.”
This realization was a breakthrough for Elizabeth. She realized that her obsession wasn’t healthy and she began to figure out ways to focus on her own crisis, which allowed her to move past the humiliation and hurt of the affair.
Look in the mirror and say to yourself out loud: “I am better than this. I cannot think about that person all of the time because it’s not making me any better. What happened to me isn’t my fault. [Fill in the blank] committed to me and s/he broke the commitment. I am too good for this. I can get up and move on because I am worth it. I am way better than this.”
An affair is messy, and usually it’s not near as much fun once the affair is out in the open. Many affair relationships fail (even if the affair partners do marry) within a couple of years, because the fact that it was sexy and enticing to sneak around is gone once it becomes a regular relationship. The two-year mark of an affair is usually the maker or breaker. People stop pretending and pretty much become themselves at that point in the relationship.
The Accidental Divorcée also wants you to know that some people will have an affair, leave their spouse, and even marry their affair partner. This makes the whole relationship a lot different, especially if children are involved. If this happens to you, it will require even more circumspection on your part to see this person become a spouse and step into your shoes. If you can manage to keep your feelings private, which is very, very hard, it will be an easier transition for your family.