C hapter Four

In which Dean and Lucy finally get some time alone and Eviscerated Panda play at the Edge Bar.

It was the day after Valentine’s Day. It was a Wednesday. Dean would usually be at practice, but not tonight. Tonight Dean and Lucy were un-chaperoned at Lily’s house, as planned, babysitting for Dylan. On Valentine’s Day Dean and Lucy had been at his house. His Mum had cooked them dinner (Alphabites, baked beans and gammon steak. Lucy found this a bit weird because they always had egg with gammon steak, not baked beans in her house) then they had gone up to his room for some frustrating fumbles that were aborted swiftly when the tread of parent on stair could be heard.

Today they were not even remotely within earshot of Dean’s Mum. It was a freedom they intended to make very good use of. Dean wondered if foreplay he’d done yesterday could be sort of counted as part of today’s foreplay. He wasn’t sure how it worked. Could you skip previous steps or did you have to start right at the very beginning each time? Surely you could start a little further forward?

Lily was out until midnight and Dylan was conveniently asleep. The baby monitor was on the nearby coffee table in case he should wake up. Lucy and Dean were sat on the sofa.

‘Before we start, can I get you a cup of tea or a biscuit?’ Dean asked.

‘Stop teasing me’ Lucy giggled.

Dean was feeling just a touch apprehensive. All of a sudden the moment he’d waited for was right here in front of him. He didn’t want to get stage fright and be a disappointment.

Lucy remembered her New Year resolution to learn to play an instrument. She decided to learn to play Dean’s instrument. She unzipped his trousers slowly, reverentially. She was lowering a drawbridge to his pant castle, rescuing him from distress. It had taken such a long time to get here. It felt like the end of an epic quest.

Dean closed his eyes like Sleeping Beauty when she took his white charger in her mouth. He’d taken the precautionary measure of spilling his seed earlier that day so he wouldn’t be too fast for love. He was distracted by his phone making a noise. It was a text from Phil:

I hope she’s worth missing practice for. Give her one from me. Dean read.

He switched his phone to silent, took off his shoes and put his phone into one of them. Lucy also took her shoes off. She put them on the floor at the end of the sofa. Dean stood up and put both his shoes in the middle of Lucy’s shoes, so her small ones were spread apart by his large ones.

‘Massive metaphor alert’ Lucy said, giggling.

They lay lengthwise along the deep sofa and gradually removed each other’s clothing.

Dean needn’t have worried about being a disappointment. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Twice before midnight in fact.

***

‘Okay, who remembers seeing my guitar case?’ Phil asked Dean, Paul and Ian.

The Pandas (minus Nick, who was still reluctantly at work) had just loaded into the Edge Bar, ready for their gig with Demon Speeding. It was a dark and chilly Saturday night, the penultimate one in February. It was looking like it might snow.

All was present and correct except for Phil’s long black flight case, containing his guitar.

‘It was definitely with the stuff we moved into the middle of the studio to load on the van and bring with us’ Ian said.

‘Well it’s not here now. I’ll have to go home and look for it’ Phil sighed.

Paul, the owner and driver of the van that transported the Pandas equipment, was setting up his drum kit. It took a while. Damon, the singer of Demon Speeding, offered to drive Phil home.

They went back out into the cold night.

‘So how long have you been playing?’ Damon asked Phil.

‘About twenty-four years’ Phil replied, proudly.

Damon’s impressed facial expression endeared him to Phil. He decided that on the drive home he would impart some of the wisdom he’d gleaned over the years to the younger, less experienced man.

‘I’ve learnt a lot in twenty-four years. Most importantly you need to radiate confidence on stage. Even if you don’t actually feel confident right now, or you don’t feel happy, or the promoter has made you so angry you could punch through a wall, or you’ve accidentally drunk too much and the audience is a blur, you need to act like you have a God-given right to be on that stage and you have to believe in what you’re doing. Otherwise the audience will lose interest. It’s the same with women. You have to believe they are lucky to be in your company. If you don’t have that belief then you’ve lost your mojo and that’s a sad state to be in’.

Damon wondered what a mojo was but didn’t like to interrupt. Phil was in full flow.

‘If you’ve drunk too much just get into a safe position and stay fairly still. Try to find a really heavy amp to lean against. If the promoter has annoyed you wait until after the gig then call him what you will. He’s still going to be a dick in an hour’s time, there’s no rush. The time you are on stage is sacrosanct. You have such a short time to pour all of those long hours of practice and planning into and to make people want to see you play again’.

Damon nodded his agreement.

‘So you don’t always go on stage feeling confident?’ He asked Phil.

‘Not always and not in unfamiliar venues but I’ve trained myself to fight the beasts that threaten my confidence. Just don’t listen to the naysayers, the people who gave up music so they could go to B&Q at the weekend and whose idea of freedom is getting to drink cheap supermarket lager when the kids are in bed. Don’t listen to the people who think musicians need to be young, when in truth a guitarist needs years to become great. Don’t listen to the people who say you’ll never make any money out of music and so it’s not worthwhile, these people are bankrupt in a way you and I will never be’.

Damon decided to confide in Phil. He said

‘I’m kind of nervous about tonight. It’s a while since our last gig and my girlfriend Alice is coming to see us’.

Phil shook his head slowly.

‘Don’t be nervous and don’t go rushing over afterwards to ask her what she thought. She thought you were awesome. If she didn’t then she’s not the right girl for you. She needs to be a cheerleader for your band if she’s going to stick around. She’s lucked out, dating the singer. She needs to understand that. Also, you tell her when you’ve got band practice. She doesn’t get to decide when you have band practice because she’s not in the band. Even if it’s her birthday or the only night she’s free that week, practice comes first. Even if she’s having an abortion, she can time that around your band practice’.

‘Alice is really sweet. I know she’ll be cool’ Damon said.

‘They’re all really sweet to start with’ Phil said knowingly.

Phil’s guitar case was leaning against the wall just inside the door. He was very relieved. His guitars were the closest things he’d ever have to children. He showed Damon round the practice studio. Damon admired all the expensive black equipment in the main room. It was still quite full even though the Panda’s best stuff was at the Edge Bar.

Phil pointed to a poster of Lita Ford on the wall in the kitchen.

‘That, my friend, is the kind of woman you should be aiming for. She’d understand all the trials and tribulations of a musician’ Phil kissed his fingertips and touched them to Lita’s paper bosom.

‘Who is this little guy?’ Damon asked, pointing to an incongruous cuddly panda sat on top of the kitchen counter next to a half-eaten packet of fig rolls.

‘He’s kind of our mascot. He’s called Heavy Metal Panda. Suzy bought him for me. Bring him with us, I could a talisman today. Help yourself to biscuits’ Phil said.

‘Cheers’ Damon said as he munched on a fig roll.

On the drive back to the Edge Bar Phil continued with his how to be in a band diatribe.

‘Treat all gigs the same, whether it’s something small and local like tonight or somewhere much bigger. You never know who might be in the audience and a happy audience brings their friends next time.

And don’t let anyone tell you you’re wasting your time practising. It’s your time, not theirs, who are they to say how you should spend it? I know guys who started playing at the same time as I did, guys with the potential to be great musicians and who enjoyed it, really loved it. Then in their twenties, just about the age you are now, they gave it all up just to have a couple of snotty brats and a fat wife. They dropped the ball. Don’t let it happen to you’.

Damon went back into the bar with his head full of advice. Phil went back into the bar feeling like a metal shaman.

Nick was late and bad tempered. He’d had to work all day in the supermarket. It hadn’t even been busy so time had passed torturously slowly and everything he did felt pointless. Jenni cheered him up by snogging him and buying him lager immediately on his arrival. She’d been in the bar for a while with Cleo and Jez. Nick had missed the sound check but this wasn’t a problem, Phil had made sure Nick’s mic worked okay. With the sound check finished promptly due to the expertise of Ed, the Edge Bar’s sound guy, there was nothing to do but drink and socialise. The Pandas and their FWAGs (Friends, Wives and Girlfriends) congregated around a large table near the back of the venue. By eight-thirty their table was crowded with Phil, Suzy, Paul, Angie, Ian, Sally, Nick, Jenni, Dean, Lucy, Jez and Cleo. A dozen voices made a lot of noise, especially when five of the voices belonged to hyperactive pre-gig Pandas.

‘So has the eagle landed?’ Ian asked Dean, discretely pointing to Lucy who was sat at the other end of the table talking to Sally and Suzy.

Dean wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the box. He looked blankly at Ian.

‘Have you had sexual relations with that woman?’ Ian asked.

Dean grinned the widest of grins, like the cat that had discharged the cream.

‘A gentleman never tells’ he said.

He felt like James Bond. He remembered the bit in Peep Show where Mark tells Jeremy he isn’t James Bond but Jeremy thinks he is. He felt just like that.

At the other end of the table Suzy asked

‘So Lucy, how was Wednesday? Marks out of ten for Dean?’

‘Ten’ she answered without hesitation and with blushing. She didn’t want the whole table to hear about her fledgling sex life.

‘You don’t think an older man with more experience would serve you better?’ Leered Phil.

‘No, I think Dean’s really amazing’. She wished she had a snappy and clever response but she didn’t. She sometimes felt she floundered in this big group of people. She looked over at Cleo, sat in-between Jez and Ian, looking comfortable and so at home.

‘Guitarists are better in bed than bass players in my experience. It’s having an extra two strings to manipulate that makes all the difference’ Suzy said.

Phil loved Lucy’s nineteen-fifties look. Women knew how to dress back then he thought. They would have been less demanding too and much more likely to do as they were told. Tonight Lucy was wearing a tight black pencil skirt and a fitted leopard print blouse. She had neat, sleek dark hair held in place with two large red star shaped hair clips. Phil didn’t know whether her underwear was authentically retro but he hoped so. She looked demure but inviting. He liked women in leopard print. Lucy looked like she was straight off the cover of a trashy novel about a girl from a trailer park who has gone bad, or maybe this was Phil’s imagination running away with him, it often would. He thought the feminist argument that watching pornography leads to a lack of imagination and a rigid view of women was absolute nonsense. There were images he could conjure up that would surprise even him sometimes, the rudest thought experiments springing forth from neurons that weren’t dampened at all by the repetitive viewings of the barely clad female form engaged in the most beautiful acts known to man.

‘We were thinking we should get some Pandas T-shirts printed’ Suzy said.

She and Phil had decided this yesterday. Phil had been going to bring it up at band practice next week.

‘Great idea. I’ll have two, one for now and one big enough for when I’m more heavily pregnant’ Angie said.

‘How many weeks are you?’ Sally asked.

‘Twenty-four, over half-way now’ Angie smiled.

‘How about getting a Pandas baby grow printed? That would be so cute’ Sally said.

Phil grimaced. He wanted to see Pandas T-shirts on hot young women, not on pregnant women and children.

‘What were you thinking of printing on them?’ Paul asked.

‘We thought about the same design as the E.P. cover but I don’t think this will work well unless it’s on a white T-shirt’ Phil said.

The E.P. cover art was a detailed drawing by Dean of two pandas fighting.

‘People prefer black T-shirts. I do anyway’ Nick said.

There were nods and murmurs of agreement.

‘I can draw something else. I could do a large logo and a simplified panda design especially for T-shirts’ Dean said.

‘That would be awesome’ Suzy said. She was keen to get started on this.

Ian was quiet, reading an email from his brother Gav on his smart phone;

Alright Junior,

So, you asked me when would be good for you and Dad to come to Japan. I’ve got a week of holiday booked in a few weeks and I’ve just got a bonus. How about you and Dad come over and I’ll pay half the flight costs and show you around? You would love it here. It’s weird in a truly fascinating way, bit like you.

Gav

He replied immediately;

Hi Gav,

I’m coming for sure. Give me a week or so to try and convince Dad. He hasn’t left the country for decades so might take a bit of persuasion.

Ian

Ian showed the email to Cleo and Jez.

‘Do you think your Dad will go?’ Cleo asked.

‘Do you think he would genuinely enjoy it and not just be going to please his sons?’ Jez asked.

Ian paused, thinking about Jez’s question more than Cleo’s question.

‘I think he’d love it when he got there and I’d make sure he had a good time. He was so happy at Christmas, having us all together. But he’ll definitely make excuses about the expense, about not having a passport, and about having to make sure Nan is okay’.

‘I can visit your Nan’ Cleo said.

‘That will be his biggest objection taken care of. He calls in twice a week now. She’s not quite as fit as she was but she’s still a force to be reckoned with’ Ian said.

Cleo smiled, thinking of Betty and all the times they had called in after school and been given fizzy pop, biscuits and encouragement.

‘Nans are very important people’ Jez said, thinking fondly of his Nan, sadly no longer living. She made the best roast dinners he had ever had. He made a mental note to take Cleo for Sunday lunch.

Demon Speeding took to the stage at nine o’clock. Their industrial metal sound went down well with the crowd of mostly local metal heads who’d seen them before. They opened with ‘Evil Edna’. This was about how television is making people stupid and intolerant. It was named in honour of the character from ‘Willo The Wisp’, a cartoon that Damon had found bewitching as a child. Next they played ‘Crusher’, their song about a bully who actively enjoys making other people’s lives difficult.

Damon usually didn’t speak much on stage. Each time he saw the Pandas he was impressed with how Nick paused between songs to say a few words and to get the crowd going. Some of Phil’s advice earlier that evening about having to appear to be confident had permeated to somewhere deep in his brain. Damon’s best mate Dean saw Damon as a confident individual but this wasn’t how Damon perceived his self. It’s a very different experience when looking out than when someone else is looking in. What Phil knew and Damon didn’t was that it’s a rare person who perceives their self as confident because everyone is so caught up in their own concerns. People dissect themselves into component parts and they focus on the bits they’d like to improve, while others see them as a whole package, a coherent construction. That evening part of Damon was feeling out of practice, having played few gigs lately due to only recently having got a permanent and reliable drummer. Part of Damon was feeling he needed to show himself he could be the front man he wanted to be.

Damon decided that tonight he’d introduce his band. He had, as Phil had noted, put a lot of time and effort into preparing for this short time on stage. His heart was thumping as he spoke. He could cope well with singing on stage but speaking was much harder.

‘We are Demon Speeding’ he shouted, louder than he’d intended because he had feared he’d make a quiet little mouse’s squeak. He appeared aggressive and pumped up and got cheers from the crowd.

‘On drums, Adam’ he pointed at the drum kit. Adam stood up briefly. He was broad shouldered and had a closely shaved head of very short dark hair. He was wearing shorts and a vest. He was good looking in a very masculine way. He looked scary but was very sweet natured. When he spoke he surprised people by having an accent as broad as his shoulders, the voice of a yokel, coming from the body of Chesty Puller. The Demons had been almost ready to split up due to lack of a drummer until they had found Adam at the end of last year.

‘On the bass guitar, Jamie’ Damon said, pointing at his blond and floppy haired bassist. Jamie looked startled to hear his name mentioned. He grinned sheepishly at the crowd.

‘On guitar, Luke’. The guitarist was of slight build, he was wearing a Rob Zombie T-shirt and had shiny brown, shoulder length hair. He’d been waiting for his introduction and he played a few squealing notes on his Dimebag Blackbolt guitar.

‘And I’m Damon’ he said.

He had introduced the band slightly too fast so that people were still clapping when he introduced the next member but he had done it and next time would be easier. Buoyed up by his bravery Dean said

‘This is a song you might know. Go mental for Ministry!’

And the Demons got stuck into their cover of Ministry’s ‘Bad Blood’.

When Damon’s heart had stopped racing enough for the rest of the world to come back into his consciousness he noticed that Alice was smiling up at him. Cleo was stood next to her, also smiling. Damon and Alice were as cute as Sanrio’s Little Twin Stars thought Cleo. They were like two hairy peas in a pod with their matching dreadlocks.

The Demons ended with their cover of ZZ Top’s ‘Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers’. They got tons of applause for their set. There wasn’t time for Damon or the others to bask in it though because now it was the busy bit of the night where kit was swapped over. The excitement and tension built for the musicians about to go on stage and a sense of relief and achievement was common to those who had just come off.

The Pandas plugged in everything that needed plugging in. Then they placed strategic pints of lager about the stage to allow for intra-gig drinking (except for Paul who had to drive the van later so had a pint of water). Phil was at the bar and noticed Alice, young Damon’s girlfriend, at the bar next to him. 

‘So you’re the lucky lady who’s ensnared Damon?’ He said, smiling like a snake about to strike.

‘He’s my boyfriend, yes’ Alice said.

‘What did you think of his band?’ Phil asked.

Alice knew this was a loaded question. Luckily she had thought they were awesome.

‘Awesome’ she said, turning back to the bar and pretending to study the drink options.

Phil didn’t like women with dreadlocks. He liked women who felt at least partly constrained by societal standards of attractiveness. Paul disturbed this prickly conversation by telling Phil they were ready to play. Phil took his lager and secreted it onstage.

Carl, Jenni’s fellow laboratory technician colleague and friend, arrived with his camera to take photos. He enjoyed gig photography. Everyone knew him well enough now to show off for his camera. He was wearing an Iron Maiden Killers T-shirt he’d bought for the occasion. Carl was a rock fan who had just begun dipping his toe into the world of metal. He and Jenni joked about customising their lab coats with patches and studs. She had added a sticky note to the bottom of the lab rules forbidding him from playing Bon Jovi or Warrant while she was in earshot. Her heavier musical taste was rubbing off on him. Like many before him he’d chosen Iron Maiden as an initial T-shirt purchase.

The Panda’s FWAGs gathered expectantly near the front of the stage. Everything was in place. The huge amps looked like black monoliths. Phil had placed Heavy Metal Panda on top of one of them. There were wires snaking about the floor. Nick was stood furthest forward. He looked around at his band mates and noted their readiness. Ed the sound man faded the music that had been playing (Alunah’s White Hoarhound) and a hush descended on the crowd. There was a faint throbbing hum from the amps that was swiftly punctured with Paul’s drumming, then Dean’s bass playing, a twin guitar assault and finally Nick’s vocals as he sang the opening lines of ‘Metal Fix’.

This short and powerful anthem set the scene nicely for the rest of the set and was followed with ‘Unevil Genius’ and ‘Alucard’. Carl snapped away. He felt at home. He had a black T-shirt and a role to play. Jez watched the Pandas and wished it was him on stage. He’d been busy at work lately and didn’t have any gigs for the Engine booked.

It generally took about three songs for the crowd to really start moving and for the Pandas to feel that it was going well. ‘Angry Ever After’ was their fourth and one of Ian’s favourites to play because it had a Megadethy feel to it. There were a gratifying number of heads banging in the venue. Next they played ‘Psycho Hose Beast’ and then ‘Screaming Green Murder’. Nick introduced the band at roughly the half way point in the set.

‘Is everyone having a good time?’ He asked.

He was answered with cheers and much throwing of the horns.

‘I’m going to take a minute of your time to introduce the band’.

More cheers. Nick sounded a bit Boris Johnson but no-one minded. He was almost always very well-spoken.

‘On drums we have the inestimable Paul Wright’.

Paul played a very brief drum solo and wondered what ‘inestimable’ meant.

‘On bass guitar, Dean Matthews’ Nick said.

Dean grinned at his audience and gave a slight bow.

‘On rhythm guitar, Ian Edwards’ Nick smiled over at his friend and band mate.

Ian played a complicated riff that finished with his arm in the air, throwing the horns. He’d been practising it at home ready for this evening. 

‘On lead guitar, veteran axe man Phil Winter. He nearly forgot his guitar tonight, but I think he’s proved that he’s not too old to rock and roll, even if he is getting forgetful’.

Phil smiled over at Nick with his mouth but not with his eyes. Nick was getting too comfortable on stage for Phil’s liking and he didn’t appreciate the jibe about his age.

Phil introduced Nick

‘Nick Hamilton-Davies. Not bad for a posh boy who spends his days stacking shelves’.

Nick was not pleased. Phil was irritated with Nick and also with himself. He had broken one of his own codes of conduct. Even if you detest another band member to the point of not being able to look them in the face offstage, you must pretend to be great mates when you are onstage. It’s meant to be the time when it all comes together perfectly and all quarrels are put aside for the greater good of the gig. Phil was sure it would have looked like friendly banter to the crowd but he knew he’d meant to irritate Nick to get his own back.

The crowd cheered. Phil’s words had been spoken quickly and indistinctly so few people had paid much attention to them. Both Jenni and Suzy had heard them clearly from where they were stood. The Pandas launched into ‘Hit Where It Hurts’ and then played ‘Conflict of Interest’. Jez thought the Pandas were excellent, a bit heavier than what he personally liked to play but he enjoyed them. He made a mental note to get them a gig in Coventry again. Jez looked over at Cleo, head-banging furiously to ‘Plastic Purgatory’. He felt a stirring in his trousers.

Next on the set list was ‘Rat Race’ which had been penned mainly by Dean. It had been Dean’s intention to have written a lot more songs by now but lately his cognitive capacity had been full to bursting with how to get Lucy alone. This was followed by ‘Judgement Day’ and then ‘Mind Wide Open’. Nick paused to address the audience again.

‘This is our last song for the night. It’s called ‘Rebuild’. We’ve loved playing for you and hope you’ve had a good night. Let’s have a big cheer for the first band, Demon Speeding’

This prompted a big cheer and applause from the audience.

‘And a big cheer for you, who’ve all bothered to come out and see us on this cold night instead of being boring bastards and staying in watching X Factor’.

Nick was rewarded with another big cheer and applause. The Pandas played ‘Rebuild’, then got more cheers and applause. Then it was all over and the pre-recorded music came back on (Iron Knights’ ‘Tell Me Strange Things’) and the Pandas loaded out. Another gig was over in a flash.

It was snowing lightly outside while they packed up Paul’s van. People from inside the bar came outside to confirm the reports of it snowing, as if they wouldn’t believe it until they had seen it with their own eyes. Ian reminded Cleo of the winter at school when she hadn’t spoken to him for a day and a half. He’d put a couple of snowballs down the front of her white Anthrax T-shirt, making it go see-through and cling to her, showing off her electric blue bra until break time when she dried it out under the hand dryers.

‘You were such a git that day and I was so cold. You’ve conveniently forgotten that while you were sticking snowballs down my top you’d said ‘you could do with something to fill that T-shirt out a bit’’ Cleo said, laughing at the memory.

‘It took me buying you a Twix and lending you my Exodus T-shirt for you to forgive me’ Ian recalled.

‘I shared the Twix with you though’ Cleo said.

‘Yeah, but I’d have preferred a Bounty’ Ian said.

Cleo stuck her tongue out at him and then kept it out to catch snowflakes. Phil watched her and her long, twice pierced tongue and he shivered but not from cold. Jez came out to see where everyone was. He touched his tongue to Cleo’s and then she snuggled into him. She felt cosy with his warm arms around her.

‘Shall we go home now?’ She whispered in his ear.

Paul, Angie, Phil and Ian left to take stuff back to the studio and empty the van. Then Paul had agreed to drive Phil and Ian back to the Edge Bar before he and Angie went home to bed. He wished someone else had a van. Cleo and Jez left to drive back to Coventry. Everyone said goodbye then went back into the warm bar.

Suzy and Jenni were both in the toilets, washing their hands.

‘Nick shouldn’t tease Phil about his age, he doesn’t like it’ Suzy said.

‘Phil shouldn’t tease Nick about working in a supermarket and having been to a good school. He should be more mature’ Jenni said. In her head she added ‘considering his age’ to the end of her sentence. But she didn’t say it out loud because she didn’t need the pointless drama of winding Suzy up this evening. Had Suzy been less bossy, Jenni might have agreed that it wasn’t kind to tease Phil about his age considering he was sensitive about it. But, if Phil wasn’t going to show the same consideration and not wind Nick up about his job and background then she thought Phil deserved everything he got.

They went back into the main bar and sat at opposite ends of the table. Phil had left the bands mascot, Heavy Metal Panda, in Suzy’s care so he didn’t get lost. Carl was taking some photos so Suzy stuck the furry panda down her top and posed for Carl. Next Dean took Heavy Metal Panda and pretended he was drinking a bottle of Becks. Carl snapped away. Phil and Ian got back and were photographed by Carl. It was just before midnight and the bar was still lively.

Sally was pleased to see Ian back. She’d hardly spoken to him all evening. He’d been busy setting up, playing and then going back to Phil’s to unload the van. Sally thought he’d spoken to everyone else more than to her that evening. Cleo had mentioned that she had stayed over at Ian’s when Sally was in Torquay. Sally was sulking because she had heard this from Cleo rather than Ian. But Ian hadn’t even noticed she was sulking. Instead of coming over to her, Ian was talking to Damon and Alice at the bar. He was telling Damon how well he’d thought the Demons played. Ian looked over at Sally and made a ‘do you want a drink’ gesture with his hand. She nodded curtly.

Ian brought Sally’s drink over and said

‘I’ve hardly seen you all night, give me a kiss’.

Sally gave him a teeny peck on the cheek. It was the smallest kiss she could give, a sort of nano-kiss.

‘So why didn’t you tell me that Cleo had stayed over?’ She asked in a quiet voice. She’d been dying to ask all night. She’d been hoping Ian would notice she was in a bad mood and ask what was wrong. For a Psychology graduate she didn’t understand men very well at all. No man in his right mind would knowingly open the ‘what’s wrong?’ can of worms, who knew where that would go? It was best to ignore the signs that there was anything wrong until you could be sure of a very clear answer, even if it was being shouted at you through a slammed door.

‘I didn’t think it was important. I told you everyone came back to mine after we got bored of the rubbish wine bar’ Ian said, perplexed.

Sally didn’t look placated. She raised her eyebrows and frowned.

‘I’ll tell you next time she stays over’ Ian said, trying to make it better.

‘So you plan for her to stay over again?’ Sally said.

‘No, but, not plan but, well, it depends, maybe, if, er…It was just easier’ Ian replied.

He was out of his depth. He didn’t think he done anything wrong but Sally seemed to think he had.

Sally’s own guilty conscience about sleeping with Jake was tying her up in knots. She had drunk more than usual and was feeling remorseful but she wasn’t being honest with herself about why she was feeling bad. Instead she was pinning it on the distractor issue of Cleo staying over at Ian’s.

They were interrupted by Carl asking if they wanted a photo taken.

‘Yes please, take a picture of me with my beautiful girlfriend’ Ian said.

This seemed to please Sally. Her moods were flipping faster than Delia Smith on Shrove Tuesday. Carl made them pose together and then showed them the photo he’d taken. He flicked back through the images to show them some of the gig photos.

‘Have you ever photographed a woman naked?’ Suzy asked Carl.

‘Not yet but I live in hope’ he grinned.

‘There’s a fashion for women who are getting married to have naked pictures taken for their husbands to be’ Sally said.

‘Yeah, but I think that’s really just for their own vanity. Why would your husband need naked pictures of you? He’s going to see the real naked you all the time when you’re married’ Jenni said.

‘A lot of women get married then get fat and stop trying to look good. It could be a way of checking your wife was still the hottie you married. You could refer back to the pictures if she became a bit of a porker and show her she’d let herself go’ Phil said.

All the women except Suzy glared at him.

Phil continued, oblivious to their disapproval, ‘Lucy, would you give Dean naked pictures of you? Or pictures of you in tasteful nineteen fifties underwear?’

Lucy looked at Dean.

‘Would you like pictures of me in my underwear?’ She asked

‘Yeah, but I’d rather have actually you in your actual underwear. You can’t have that much fun with a picture’ Dean replied.

Ian thought he should ask Dean and Lucy if they wanted to stay over at his on Saturdays sometimes. But not tonight when Sally was being weird and grumpy. He wondered why he hadn’t thought of it before. He supposed it sounded a bit weird asking ‘Do you want to stay over at mine so you can shag your girlfriend?’ Suppose Dean thought Ian was a pervert who liked hearing other people’s sex noises? Ian reassured himself that he wasn’t a pervert. He found other people’s sex noises embarrassing. It reminded him of that Christmas when he’d come downstairs to get a glass of water and found his Mum and Dad watching ‘Confessions From A Holiday Camp’. There had been a lot of inflatables and Robin Askwith’s bare bottom and it had been awkward.

It was last orders before anyone was ready for it. The snow had stopped but there was an inch of glittery white covering everything and making Reading look bright, clean and otherworldly. Goodbyes were a little faster than usual because it was so cold. Those with the foresight to bring hats quickly became be-hatted.

In Coventry Cleo and Jez were already asleep. It was snowy there too. They’d gone straight to bed when they got in and Jez had warmed Cleo up in her very favourite way. Paul and Angie were also already asleep. Angie had fallen asleep imagining what it would be like to make snowmen with her children. Paul had fallen asleep wondering if he could get out of driving the van so he could have a drink the next time they had a gig.

When Phil and Suzy got home they role played photographer and nude model. Phil wondered whether Suzy would be amenable to his taking actual photographs but decided to leave that for another time. He had a policy of gradually introducing activities women might find objectionable. He’d start by making them agree that what they had done before was fun and then he’d suggest it would be even more fun to go a bit further.

Dean and Lucy went home to their parent’s houses and their separate beds and wished they were together. Jenni and Nick made hot chocolate on her parent’s Aga and sat drinking it in her bed. Nick told her he was going to look for a new job and that he wanted her to be proud of him. She told him she already was proud of him. Carl went to sleep wondering if he would be able to take pictures of naked women without getting an erection. He was an amateur at photography but not at getting erections.

Sally and Ian went home and didn’t have sex. This was unusual. That night Sally slept badly. She dreamt she was trying to hoover up spiders before anyone else saw them. Then she dreamt that her cupboard was too full and all her things kept falling out. Then she dreamt she wanted to go to the toilet but couldn’t find one with a door on or without a crowd of people in. She realised in the morning that these were her guilt dreams (except perhaps the one about needing the toilet, that might have been about needing the toilet but being too fast asleep to get up). She felt so miserable, hung over and worthless. She decided she might have to tell Ian she’d been unfaithful or break up with him or probably both. She had never been good at keeping secrets. The more she tried to push away the memory of Jake the more it seemed to spring back into the forefront of her mind. She thought of Wegner’s classic white bear experiment and decided she needed a new strategy of facing up to her actions. She wished she could talk to someone she trusted but everyone either knew Ian too well or she had pretended to them that she and Jake were over ages ago.

Ian made Sally bacon sandwiches and brought them to her in bed. She rummaged in her hand bag for some ibuprofen. After bacon and tablets her mood improved. She decided to have another go at putting her mistake with Jake behind her. She would be the master of her own mind. She couldn’t undo it so she would ignore it. She would ‘let things without all remedy be without regard’. This was one of Cleo’s favourite Lady MacBeth quotes too.

‘I’m sorry I was grouchy last night’ Sally said, looking genuinely woeful.

‘That’s okay, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that Cleo had stayed over, it really didn’t seem important’ Ian said.

‘Maybe I over reacted, I just felt a bit jealous’ Sally replied.

‘You have nothing to be jealous about. So, is everything okay?’ Ian asked hopefully.

‘Of course it is’ Sally said.

It was true that Ian tended to touch Cleo with a familiarity usually only seen between men and women who were or had once been lovers, but they hadn’t been. If he needed to squeeze past her in a crowded bar he would tend to place his hands on her lower back, rather than on her shoulders. If they were stood together talking they would stand close, even when the music wasn’t loud. There had been times in the past when he’d had a crush on her and she on him but these times had never quite coincided and had been in the confusing teenage times when it was possible to service a large number of crushes on a disparate group of individuals all at once. When they were younger they had almost needed each other too much to risk a romantic relationship that could end. Both had struggled to get past their parents’ negative, cynical views of what people ‘like them’ could achieve. Both had tried to aim for what they really wanted from life rather than what they could settle for. Both thought, as Metallica did that ‘Life is ours, we live it our way’. Both were incredibly fond of each other.

Carl spent Sunday morning looking back at the photos he’d taken the night before. On his way home he’d walked slowly and snapped some snowy scenes. He’d captured the trees in his local park, two lost gloves on an iron railing (a large manly brown leather one keeping company with a small one made of lilac glittery wool), and cans of lager in the snow.

As usual he’d got some great shots of the Pandas onstage including one where Paul’s drumstick looked like a bird’s wing, taken with a slow exposure. He had the usual posing guitarist shots. He’d caught Phil and Nick looking at each other onstage. Both their mouths were smiling but their eyes were staring each other down. After this he’d got Heavy Metal Panda perched on top of an amp. He had a few good shots of the whole band. He had some good audience shots too including one of Cleo’s hair flying and one at the end of the gig when there was a sea of hands raised in horned tribute. He emailed these over to the band’s general email address.

He’d also got some great offstage photos;

Cleo sat in-between Jez and Ian, beaming a broad and genuine smile.

Paul with his hand resting on Angie’s belly while she kissed his cheek.

Cleo and Jenni whispering to each other.

Phil stood over Suzy’s shoulder, looking down her top.

Sally and Cleo chatting casually.

Sally and Ian hugging for the camera.

Dean and Lucy stood so close together there was no space visible between them.

Lucy and Alice, both stunning in their own very different ways.

Dean and Damon with lagers in hand.

Jenni and Cleo poking their tongues out after eating Blackjacks.

Nick and Jenni talking animatedly to Jez (He’d been inviting them to come and stay in Coventry and they were talking about all the fun stuff they could do).

Alice sat on Damon’s lap, with their hair merging into one enormous pile of dreds.

Suzy putting lip gloss on Cleo (she’d asked to borrow some).

Suzy putting lip gloss on Ian (he’d insisted on having some too).

Suzy pouting with Heavy Metal Panda down her top.

Nick with Heavy Metal Panda perched on his shoulder.

Jenni pretending to put black eyeliner on Heavy Metal Panda.

Heavy Metal Panda drinking a bottle of Becks (with Dean’s hand visible in the shot).

Heavy Metal Panda recumbent on the table with an empty bottle of Becks. 

Then one he hadn’t known was there, taken when he’d gone to the toilet. It had ‘Thanks Carl’ scribbled on the back of a set list and all the Pandas giving him the thumbs up.