part0016

It was Easter weekend. This was widely held to be the penultimate best weekend of the year for people with regular office working hours, with two delicious bank holidays in quick succession. It was top trumped obviously by the majesty of Christmas but Easter was much anticipated and didn’t require a lot of special shopping, preparation or other administration such as writing cards.

Cleo almost skipped out of work on the Thursday before Good Friday. She and Ian had just discovered Scanner Smashed Face, the death metal band that sung about office related matters. They had kept them entertained through the slow going pre-weekend days. With both Cleo and Ian being office based there was much they could relate to in their music. She had ‘Genital Shredder’ stuck in her head.

Cleo spent Thursday night applying for two jobs in Coventry. Both were for research assistant positions at the university. When her applications were complete she laid in bed reading ‘Eccentric Glamour’ by Simon Doonan and painting her nails deep pink. Ian spent Thursday night watching a film with Sally. He’d chosen ‘Crank’ and she was bored but didn’t like to say so.

Nick was working late in the supermarket but after tonight he had the whole weekend off. He arranged the chocolate rabbits to look like they were busy doing what rabbits are famous for. He had less than two weeks left to work there, so felt he could muck about a bit without fear of reprisals. After work he went to Jenni’s and they sat in bed eating hot cross buns with butter and golden syrup.

Paul came home dusty and tired. He’d been plastering in an empty flat all day. He’d been able to listen to whatever music he liked as he was working solo, so it hadn’t been a bad day but by the end of it his arms and shoulders ached. He was a hard worker and gained satisfaction from a job well done. Angie gave Paul’s hair a little trim when he came out of the shower. She made cottage pie for dinner. Paul had a couple of beers and she had a whole pot of tea. She put her seven months pregnant feet up and read a pile of last week’s women’s magazines she’d brought home from work.

‘So they’ve got there before you, it doesn’t matter. You’re taking your time to create something of high quality’ Suzy said.

‘I suppose’ Phil said, unconvinced. He believed himself to be more talented than all of the Shakes put together so thought he should be able to achieve things faster.

‘The Pandas have been active for less time. Of course you won’t be so far ahead’ Suzy continued.

She had given up trying to help with song writing. Her one foray into this arena had not been what Phil was trying to create. She’d written ‘Instant Whip’ about swift ejaculation upon being whipped. Phil had rejected it as kindly as he could

‘If we were GWAR or the Genitorturers that would be a great song but we aren’t. It’s a brave first try’ He’d said.

‘Thanks for co-writing the Pandifesto. You really captured what we’re about’ Phil said to Cleo.

‘It was just a bit of fun, I’m glad you liked it’ Cleo said.

‘It was awesome, if you get any more ideas for stuff like that for the website let us know, it was a really popular post’ Phil said.

‘Okay, well, I like writing stuff so I’ll have a think’ Cleo said.

‘And thanks for always turning up to see us play’ Phil said.

‘I wouldn’t miss it, it’s always a great night. Thanks for the T-shirt’ Cleo said.

Phil felt like his ego was getting a back rub. If he was his part-time cat, Boris, he would have purred and rubbed up against Cleo’s legs. He’d love to rub up against Cleo’s legs.

Phil liked April. Women started removing their knitwear and wearing smaller clothes again. Tonight Cleo was wearing a tight white dress with black bats printed on it. It was a simple shape and it fitted her well Phil thought, having a really good look just to be sure.

‘So are you any closer to moving to Coventry?’ Sally asked Cleo.

‘I’m applying for jobs, hopefully I’ll get one soon’ Cleo said.

‘It’ll be weird you not living around the corner. You’ve always lived around the corner’ Ian said.

‘We have to make sure we come to Coventry often and you visit here often. Then it’ll be okay’ Jenni said.

‘Would you ever want to live with Phil?’ Cleo asked Suzy.

Phil was at the jukebox wondering if he could get away with putting the Pandas on and pretending it wasn’t him.

‘I don’t know. I don’t think he’ll ever want me to. He’s not that sort of man. I spend a lot of time there but I like being able to go home and we both know if we have an argument or need space I can leave. I don’t think I’d give that up’ Suzy said.

‘Sounds sensible’ Sally said.

‘But unromantic’ Ian said.

‘We’d love to live together’ Dean and Lucy said at the same time.

‘It sounds fun but they take a lot of tidying up after’ Angie said.

Paul stuck out his bottom lip and looked hard done by, but he didn’t say anything. He remembered he’d left his pants on the floor again. Angie had asked him repeatedly to put clothes for the wash in the wash basket, especially now she was starting to find bending down a struggle.

‘I wouldn’t tidy up after anyone. If they made the mess they could tidy it up’ Jenni said.

‘I’d be awesome to live with. I can find us the perfect house now I’m an estate agent’ Nick said.

‘I think living together would take the mystery away’ Suzy said.

‘Seriously though, how much mystery have you got left?’ Cleo asked giggling. She knew much of Suzy and Phil’s sex life.

‘Cheeky. I’ve got some mystery. I don’t let men see all of me’ Suzy insisted.

‘Like what you look like when you’re waxing your top lip?’ Jenni asked.

Paul felt the conversational temperature drop. He drained his pint and went to the bar. It took ages to get served. Eventually Alice served him. She had a little halo of flowers in her dreadlocked hair. She didn’t ask what he wanted because she knew.

‘Damon’s coming in later. When’s the next Pandas and Demons gig going to be?’ She asked Paul.

‘I don’t know I’m just the drummer, but I’ll ask our manager’ Paul said.

Eviscerated Panda and Demon Speeding had played together at the Edge Bar so often now it was assumed that there would be another similar gig soon.

‘Alice was asking when we’re playing with the Demons again’ Paul said.

‘We should do it soon’ Dean said. Damon, the main man behind the Demons, was Dean’s long standing best mate. They hadn’t seen quite as much of each other recently, both having girlfriends, but the bromance was still strong.

‘Haven’t you done that enough?’ Suzy asked.

‘It’s always a good gig’ Ian said.

‘Yeah, everyone in Reading turns out for it’ Nick said.

Damon arrived at this point.

‘Speak of the devil, or demon and he shall appear’ Phil said.

‘Eh?’ Damon said, sitting down next to Dean.

‘We were just saying we should play together soon’ Dean said.

‘Any time you like’ Damon said.

‘We should have got a gig for tonight or tomorrow, everyone goes out at Easter’ Phil said.

Suzy got in a huff. She was already irritated at Phil’s fulsome praise of Cleo. Oddly she wouldn’t have minded at all if he’d stared at Cleo’s chest (in fact he had and she didn’t) or made approving comments about her physicality but his appreciation of her work on behalf of the band irked her.

‘I’m doing my best to book you the gigs you’ll most want to play’ Suzy said.

She was getting bored of managing the Pandas. It wasn’t anywhere near as much fun as she’d thought it was going to be. She’d thought she’d just charm her way into getting the Pandas great gigs but a lot of venues wanted her to guarantee audience numbers or didn’t even reply to her emails. She had stopped signing herself as Sxxy (in her head she imagined it was pronounced ‘Sexy’, in other people’s heads it was read as ‘Si’, short for Simon, or ‘Sigh’ meaning a sad noise. One promoter had wondered if it was a Chinese name).

‘Feeling confident?’ asked Jenni.

‘I’m a bit out of practice with actual relationshippy type girls. How do I know when she wants to get, you know, down to it?’ He asked Jenni.

‘Just ask her. Ask her if she finds you attractive and if she’d welcome your attentions, either now or shortly. Don’t rush it. Women don’t like to be hurried through the early stages of courtship’ Jenni said.

She was a very direct person and didn’t like to spend ages wondering about what other people thought or felt when she could just ask. She had a very scientific mind and preferred collecting and analysing data to blind speculation.

‘Or look for the signs’ Suzy said.

‘What are the signs?’ Carl asked.

‘How close she sits to you, how much she touches you, what she’s wearing if she’s coming out specially to meet you, what she says, if she has a big bag with her, if she initiates rude topics of conversation, if she flicks her hair, if she plays with your hair, if she smells of mints’ Suzy said.

‘That’s a lot to remember’ Carl frowned.

‘There’s more signs, I hadn’t finished yet’ Suzy said.

‘Don’t forget you’re both animals, it’ll be clearer in your non-verbal communication. Don’t over think it, just do what seems natural’ Jenni said.

‘Right, thank you’ Carl said.

‘And if you need any tips on technique just ask’ Suzy said.

‘I think I’ll try flying solo initially but thank you’ Carl said.

‘You could ask her if she wants to pose for you. The old photographer and model scene is a porn staple’ Suzy said.

‘I think that might be a bit much’ Carl said.

‘I’d never let anyone take naked photos of me. They can become very embarrassing if leaked’ Jenni said.

One of her Dad’s colleagues had been involved in a scandal a few years back and had resigned because of it. While a naked photo may be very appropriate for the eyes of a lover it’s less so for those of all your work colleagues and students.

‘There’s not a lens big enough for me’ Phil smirked.

‘You have got a very, very big head’ Ian said.

‘Have you been peeking in the gents? You know the rule is eyes front’ Phil retaliated.

The Panda’s track ‘Metal Fix’ came on. The entire table began head banging and throwing the horns, then stopped and laughed.

‘It got a bit Wayne’s World there’ Carl said.

‘I love this pub and I love our E.P. and I love that tomorrow night we can do this all over again’ Paul said.

‘On Sunday we could have an extra band practice. We could decide on what the album tracks will be and finish the songs we’re working on’ Phil said.

‘Then the ladies can come over and we can have drinks to celebrate’ Suzy said, not wanting to be left out.

Cleo felt slightly sad hearing everyone discuss Reading plans she wouldn’t be part of and drifted off into a day dream. In the morning she was going to Coventry for the rest of the weekend. She couldn’t wait to be with Jez. When she left the pub at closing time there was just ten hours until she’d be with him.

Phil made Suzy breakfast in bed on Easter Saturday to show her he appreciated her work on behalf of the band. He took her coffee, a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel, a bouquet of daffodils and tulips and a tissue paper wrapped package.

‘I’ve got you a present’ he said.

Phil had bought her some underwear. It was insubstantial and almost transparent, like a plot in a dirty movie. The tissue paper gift wrapping would have provided more ample coverage. She put it on straight away. Phil was starting to think that Suzy was his perfect woman. She supported his musical aspirations and had never declined any of his bedroom requests, even those which might have been considered too top shelf. He liked her just being around. Often he would be on his computer working, she on hers, and they wouldn’t speak for hours but he had started to enjoy her presence. She was a causer of drama but Phil liked drama. Working alone, he had no work colleagues, just customers that he’d have fairly minimal contact with. He needed his daily life livening up and Suzy always was a live wire. She was spending more and more time at his house and less and less at her flat. She had made no suggestion of wanting to move in together. This wasn’t something emotionally retarded Phil had ever thought of seriously before but this morning he wondered if it might be what he wanted.

‘I’ve got something for you. It ends in ‘ow job’ Suzy said.

She’d been pleasantly surprised by Phil’s gifts and wanted to show her appreciation. She pulled back the covers and got to work. She liked smoked salmon but this was a breakfast she enjoyed even more.

On Easter Saturday morning Cleo ate her breakfast (a bar of pink and white nougat) on the train to Cov. She occupied herself by reading Terrorizer magazine and by staring out at green fields interspersed with gray industrial estates, a few rivers and three train stations (Oxford, Banbury, Leamington Spa. Leamington looked very pretty in the sunshine). Today there were no delays and an hour and a quarter journey actually took an hour and a quarter. It was as if even the normally sluggish train felt it’s sap rising and power returning due to the spring.

She hastily left the concrete environs of Coventry station and began her walk to Jez’s house. She stood on her favourite fly over, stared towards Warwick, and made a wish that she’d soon have a job here. She walked into the shopping precinct, admired the fountains as usual and went to Poundland. As an undergraduate she’d bought all sorts of things in Poundland, including a Christmas tree. Today she bought rabbit ears, pink for her, blue for Jez. As she left the town centre and got closer to Jez her excitement grew.

‘Happy Easter. Put your ears on’ she said.

‘I’ll humour you by wearing these ears if you keep them on in the bedroom’ he said.

‘Done’ she smiled happily.

‘We need to go shopping this afternoon. I want you to choose which Easter egg you want and what you want to have for dinner tomorrow. I was thinking maybe duck’ Jez said.

Then he put on his ears and chased her up the stairs.

That evening they went out to the Traditional Tavern and saw Denzil, Janice, Dan and Juliet. Cleo was starting to know quite a few Cov people now. It would take some time for the Trad Tav to become as familiar and cosy as the Green Man but it had the potential.

On Easter Sunday Cleo watched Jim Henson’s ‘Tale Of The Bunny Picnic’ while eating a breakfast of Twix finger dipped in Cadbury’s crème egg. She and Jez spent all day at home, not getting dressed. They had beef for dinner.

Jenni got up late, the Pandas and friends had left the pub at closing time last night and the night before. She made fairy cakes to take to Phil’s later. She iced bunny faces onto them, using large flaked almonds to make the ears. Angie went round to her Mum’s for lunch. Lucy started work on her final year project. Sally called her parents and told them she was coming to stay next weekend and bringing Ian. Her heart sank when she put the phone down. Suzy stayed upstairs at Phil’s while the Pandas were in the basement studio. She spent part of the day sending emails to venues, hoping to get a great gig to unveil tonight.

Phil made the coffee for his band mates without any argument. He got out some chocolate Hobnobs. He wanted to get cracking. There was still an hour of the morning left and he wanted to end today with a clear plan of when the album would be done. He’d realised that the lack of an album was making him gloomy. He wanted his musical prowess captured for all time. He wanted to be able to casually drop the album into conversation with fellow musicians.

‘We need to achieve a good mix of songs. We want people to listen to the whole album, all at once, because it flows so well. We want it to be experienced like music used to be experienced’. Phil said.

He paused and sipped his coffee.

‘The first and the last tracks are really critical. We have to start strong and end strong. We have to have fans coming back to our debut album again and again because it’s so satisfying’. Phil said.

There were enthusiastic nods. Everyone had a mouthful of Hobnob and was too polite to speak with their mouth full.

Phil was trying to stop his brain skipping ahead to the finished product, or to the difficult second album. This morning he’d woken up full of confidence. He was sure of the trajectory of his musical career. He knew between them they could achieve something to be proud of. He wasn’t one hundred per cent sure of how they would get there, or when but he knew they would.

‘Let’s start by writing a list of what we’ve got that could be recorded right now and what we’re working on’ Ian suggested.

‘Great start’ Phil said.

Nick got his lyrics notebook out and wrote:

Conflict of Interest

Screaming Green Murder

Husk (new song about being drained of all emotion).

Heavy Head (new song about thinking metal thoughts and breathing thrash metal metaphorically).

Trapped (new song, about being trapped in body, situation, or place).

Aiiiieeeee! Robot! (threat of mechanical evil overlords).

Outside (being different in a cool way).

Antidote (the remedy for various poisons).

Nick crossed out Metal Fix, Unevil Genius, Alucard and Angry Ever After.

‘So, we have nine tracks ready to go, three almost ready and three which could take months to complete’ Phil said.

‘The obvious thing to do seems to be to finish off the three we’re nearly happy with’ Dean said.

‘Or there is the lazy option of using the E.P. tracks but that doesn’t feel very satisfying’ Paul said.

‘I’d rather we didn’t record anything we already did on the E.P.’ Phil said.

‘I think Dean’s right, let’s finish the three almost ready tracks’ Ian said.

‘How about we only work on those three today and see how far we get’ Nick suggested.

They started with Husk and it came together swiftly. They’d been tinkering with it for a while. They were now ready to make decisions about how it should end up.

‘I like it. It’s rather plangent so we need it near something more upbeat in the scheme of the album and also in the set list when we play it live’ Phil said.

‘It’s sounding great’ Dean said.

They also became happy with Heavy Head, it was just Metal Fix again, a simple song about the wonder of metal music. It was an affirmation of metal allegiance and Phil thought it was spot on.

‘That’s the one that’ll get us noticed and that DJs will play’ Phil predicted.

‘We’re on fire today’ Nick said.

‘Let’s play Husk and Heavy Head in Torquay next weekend. See what they’re like live’ Phil said.

‘Is it time for a beer now?’ A sweaty Paul enquired hopefully.

‘Yeah, we’ve done enough for today’ Phil said.

Everyone downed instruments and followed Phil upstairs. Boris attempted to come down into the studio but Phil scooped him up and turned him round. It was the only place in the house he wasn’t allowed in and was therefore the place he most wanted to get into. Suzy heard voices in the kitchen and came downstairs.

‘Do we have the bones of an album yet?’ Suzy asked.

‘Yeah, I think so’ Phil said.

‘It’s going to be a bloody good one’ Ian said.

‘It’s going to be our South Of Heaven’ Nick said.

‘Or our Number Of The Beast’ Paul said.

They decided to go out onto the patio. The studio could get kind of musty smelling with five men in there for hours. The fresh April air was most welcome, as was the beer Suzy brought out.

‘We’ve got wine and nibbles too’ she said. She brought out some sausage rolls, cheese straws, quiche, scotch eggs, pizza and crisps.

The Pandas hadn’t eaten since their morning Hobnobs and were ravenous.

‘I feel like the Famous Five having a picnic’ said Ian.

‘Who would be Timmy?’ Phil asked.

‘You’d be George’ Nick said to Phil.

‘No way, I’m definitely Julian. I’m oldest, wisest and often praised by Aunt Fanny’ Phil retorted, pleased with his reasoning.

‘I have no idea what you’re on about’ Paul said.

Dean was pleased Paul said this. He didn’t know either but didn’t want to look thick.

‘Thanks for the nibbles Suzy’ Dean said.

‘You’re welcome, I thought my boys would need some sustenance after a hard days playing’ she said.

She opened the wine and poured a large glass. Tomorrow morning was another lie-in morning.

Nick sent Jenni a text to say they were done and to come over to Phil’s. Yesterday Jenni had told him she didn’t want to hang out with Suzy more than once a week. She found Suzy’s constant mini dramas about nothing tiring and unnecessary. Nick agreed that Suzy was a source of senseless turbulence but he didn’t want to offend Phil. Jenni had agreed to go over to Phil’s saying,

‘Okay, but I’m going because I get to spend time with you and Ian, and Angie and Paul, and...well everyone except Suzy and Phil really’.

Jenni’s Dad, Roy offered her a lift.

‘It’s not just me, it’s Angie, Lucy and Sally too’ Jenni said.

‘No Cleo today?’ Pam asked.

‘She’s in Coventry with her boyfriend’ Jenni said.

‘Oooh, this one’s lasting. Can I hear wedding bells?’ Pam asked.

‘Women nowadays think of their careers first Mum’ Jenni said.

‘Well that’s me told’ said Pam. She was pleased she had raised a daughter who was confident and could express herself well, she just thought she might like her to give it a rest at home every once in a while.

‘I can fit four of you in the Volvo’ Roy said.

He got bored during the Easter holidays and wanted to get out and do something.

‘Okay, thanks Dad’ Jenni said.

They picked Angie up first and sat her in the front. Seeing pregnant Angie reminded Roy of some charming stories from Jenni’s babyhood. He told Angie his oft-repeated story about Jenni weeing on him the first time he held her and him not minding at all, just laughing at his perfect little daughter. He also shared how much Jenni used to like running around the garden in just her sunhat. He moved on to the time she insisted on going shopping wearing her brother’s Batman mask and knocked over a big display of baked bean tins because she couldn’t see where she was going.

‘It’s very nice of you to give us a lift’ Sally said.

‘You’re very welcome. What does it say on your T-shirt?’ Roy asked.

‘It says ‘Bend Over’ Sally mumbled.

She was a big fan of Canadian hard rockers Helix.

‘I made cakes’ Jenni said, throwing her friends a conversational lifebelt.

Everyone talked about cake for the rest of the journey.

‘Good day?’ Jenni asked Nick.

‘Yeah, we really got a lot done’ he said.

Sally. Lucy and Jenni gladly accepted a glass of wine. Angie asked for tea. Phil went into the kitchen and made it for her.

‘I’m afraid I’ve worked your husband rather hard today’ Phil said, bringing Angie her tea.

‘He’s rarely more content than when playing drums’ Angie said.

Phil had considered all the potential hurdles to getting the album done. One was money. Luckily that wasn’t a problem for him. He had decided he’d fund the recording with some cash he’d inherited. Money was no good to you when you were dead.

Another potential stumbling block was band members squabbling between themselves so delaying decision making. Today Phil had tried to listen to everyone and make everyone feel valued. Another hurdle could be those close to the band discouraging them. Phil intended to keep everyone’s missus happy.

‘Cool T-shirt’ Phil said to Sally.

‘Thanks, it’s one of my favourites’ she said.

‘Take Lucy downstairs and show her the studio if you like’ Phil said to Dean.

Lucy followed Dean down the stairs and into the studio.

‘What’s that smell?’ She asked.

‘Unpleasant’ he said.

‘It’s a bit like forgotten gym bag, but also like dry roasted peanuts’ she said.

‘It’s not usually quite so pungent, sorry’ Dean apologised.

Phil had told Dean many tales of carnal excesses carried out in this studio. Dean didn’t think Lucy would want to stay down there long enough even for a quick snog. He showed her the equipment he used and then the kitchen. Heavy Metal Panda was sat near the kettle and the biscuits. Dean missed the toilet out of the tour. He skipped straight to the room containing Phil’s stash of amps, pre-amps, speaker cabs and general musician’s miscellany that he’d collected over past two decades. Working in a music shop Dean had a good eye for this sort of thing and estimated there was easily four thousand pounds worth of stuff here. Phil never got rid of anything, it all held memories for him.

‘I’ve made special Easter cup cakes’ Jenni said, taking the lid off her cake tin to show the little rabbit faces inside. She handed them round.

‘I’ve been craving sweet things’ Angie said.

‘These are so yummy, thank you’ Suzy said.

All was quiet on the patio for a few moments while people munched.

Sally’s phone made a vibrating noise. It was a text from Jake asking if she was in Torquay. She would usually visit her parents over Easter but hadn’t this year because she was going next weekend for the Pandas gig. The sun went down quickly and it got cold.

‘Soon it’ll be warm enough to run around in just your sunhat’ Angie said to Jenni.

‘Sorry about my Dad’ Jenni said.

‘He was really lovely and he was obviously very delighted when he became a father to you’ Angie said.

Suzy moved the party indoors. Jenni insisted on helping her bring plates and glasses into the kitchen, she wanted to surreptitiously chuck her wine down the sink. Suzy was pleased with Jenni’s help. She was aware she’d shot herself in the foot by getting Jenni to arrange a gig and then having been rude about it. The two women were alone in the kitchen, everyone else had headed into the warm lounge and the comfort of Phil’s well used leather sofas.

‘I’m sorry if I’ve been annoying about the band recently. I just want them to succeed. I want to see Phil get what he wants. He’s put so much work in. It’s everything to him so I want to be part of it. If he doesn’t feel as if the band is going well he gets down’ Suzy said.

‘You could have been more gracious about the Reading uni gig. That was a great night’ Jenni said, as usual going directly to what she thought was the issue.

‘You’re right, it was. I’m sorry. It’s okay for you. You’re clever and good at all sorts of things. I’m only good at flirting and trying to get people to buy things’ Suzy said.

‘What else have you tried? I bet there’s all sorts of things you’re good at you’ve never even attempted’ Jenni said.

It was rare to see brash Suzy apologising and appearing vulnerable. Jenni could be aloof and she could be assertive but she wasn’t unkind.

‘I’d love to see the band do well too. Nick’s Dad is always telling him he’ll never get anywhere with his music. Nick says it doesn’t bother him but it does. He needs to be encouraged, everyone does’ Jenni said.

Phil came into the kitchen to make Angie another cup of tea. What he thought of as ‘Operation Lady Pleaser’ was going well. He’d chatted to Sally about Hanoi Rocks and to Lucy about vintage underwear. He realised he hadn’t put much time in with Jenni and that she was a tricky one. He hoped Suzy hadn’t been winding her up. Phil felt a brief pang of empathy for Hugh Hefner. Paying attention to multiple women was tough work.

Phil surprisingly had never wanted to be Hugh Hefner and he didn’t approve of the mainstream permeation of Playboy culture. He wanted to keep some bastions of rudeness, not spread rudeness everywhere like the legs of a cheap trollop. He disliked the current trend for post-feminist, commonplace sexual imagery, masquerading as empowerment. It was distracting and it dulled the mind until it needed stronger images to achieve the same trouser buzz. It diluted the pleasure of seeing something you felt you shouldn’t. Not everyone liked porn and not everyone liked metal. They should be available for those who wanted them, but not thrust into the face of the whole populace, an unavoidable staple of culture.

Phil despised the Daily Mail’s running of alternating stories praising women for stripping off and for covering up. It was like they were on a see-saw flopping between titillate and don’t titillate. The Daily Mail had the exact same view of women as nineteen seventies ‘Carry On’ films, women could be either porkable Barbara Windsor or not porkable Hattie Jacques and therefore fair game for ridicule, because if a woman is not capable of causing Sid James to pause for an ogle then she has no value. This false dichotomy irritated Phil no end.

He’d been moved to send an email to Cambridge academic Mary Beard, who had been the recipient of some very unpleasant and undeserved comments about her appearance. Phil had told her she did great telly about the Romans and she looked quite nice. He thought she’d probably never read it but he wanted to redress the balance somewhat. Phil had a very democratic view of sex. It was for everyone who wanted it, not reserved for the young and beautiful.

‘Not yet. It needs to be something classic but not clichéd, something memorable and distinctive. We want to stand out yet be obviously within the metal fold’ he replied.

He took finished making Angie’s tea and went into the lounge, followed by Jenni and Suzy.

‘Jenni’s just asked the very important question of what we’re going to call the album?’ Phil said.

‘We could self title it, Eviscerated Panda’ Paul said.

‘Maybe a bit unimaginative’ Nick said.

‘It was good enough for Iron Maiden and WASP’ Paul replied.

‘And Metallica eventually’ Ian said.

‘I’d like to call it something’ Phil said.

‘How about taking the album name from the name of the first track? We could have ‘Metal Fix’ first and call it that’ Ian said.

‘Or ‘Heavy Head’, that would be good’ Dean said.

‘Either sounds good to me’ Phil said.

The little house party proceeded pleasantly all evening. Phil forgot he was trying to keep everyone happy and he relaxed. His initial positive attention was making everyone respond well to him today. It was after midnight when the party broke up.

‘So what did I miss on Saturday and Sunday?’ Cleo asked.

‘Suzy annoyed me’ Jenni said.

‘What’s she done now?’ Cleo asked.

‘She was quite sweet, and I’d almost decided I definitely didn’t like her, but she made me change my mind. You know how I hate changing my mind about people’ Jenni said.

‘Yeah, you do hate doing that’ Cleo agreed.

‘So how was your weekend?’ Jenni asked.

‘Awesome. We went to the pub and we spent most of Sunday in bed’ Cleo said smiling at the memory. She hated leaving Cov to come back to Reading for boring work. It was the age old problem of too much week and not enough week-end.