5.

I was on a constant rotation. Jamie went to work in the mornings before I woke and I was poached by June or Danny. Mostly June. Days were spent running errands or being shown around Orlando. Americans are so proud of their cities compared to Australians. I guessed it was because they had so many to choose from and with so much choice you were bound to find a place just right for you. Hell, even New Yorkers loved New York City in their own strange way.

In the afternoons, Jamie would return from work and we’d head out. ‘Mark wants to go to a bar,’ he’d say. It was a believable story. Nobody ever got suspicious of that. We’d get into his car and drive for hours with track one of disc one repeating over and over. By the end of each session, Jamie had improved and I wanted to throttle Frampton a little more. I was no singer and certainly no singing coach, but I knew enough, and it felt nice to see his trust in me paying off. There was a return for both of us on those drives while the sun set, but mine was in a way he would never understand. After our cruising, we’d get dinner at a bar and Jamie would pay.

‘You sure that’s a good idea?’ he asked one night as I tried to flag down the bartender again.

‘Jamie, June thinks we’ve been here for three hours,’ I said through tight lips as I lit a cigarette.

‘Uh-huh, your point being?’

‘Do you have any idea how much damage I normally do in three hours?’

‘I don’t follow …’

‘If I walk into that house of yours even remotely sober, then she’s gonna get suspicious and know something’s up. I’m doing this for you, really.’

He pondered for a moment, stood up from his stool and waved a hand towards the bartender.

I’d been their guest for two weeks before Jamie’s job sent him to Atlanta – it was only for three days, but he saw each as invaluable. He suggested lessons over the phone. I told him there’d be no point if the acoustics weren’t the same. It wasn’t true, but I needed a break from him and Frampton, so it felt true to me.

June and I went to a restaurant with Aaron and she insisted on paying. I didn’t know what I was to her, or she to me. Her kindness was unconditional, though it made me feel like a charity case. She would remark how impressed she was by me and then push my wallet closed a few minutes later, as if I was a child trying to spend his pocket money. The most infuriating thing about June was the impossibility of disliking her. She was energy emanating in all directions and missing nobody. She was light.

Through all the tenderness, though, was an almost overpowering sexuality which seemed to come as naturally as breathing for her. I’d met plenty of women who relished their beauty like it had an expiry date, not realising it only does for those who make no investment in the other myriad, intangible beauties that could exist in them as well. June seemed immune to such things. She would flick her hair or bite her lip, handing out glances and smiles like candy but never tossing them about in vain. All hit their mark, and if someone was bitter enough to bat one away, then her spirit and mind followed like a boxer adapting to any style and pushing forward unaffected. There was no compromise in her. If she wanted you wrapped around her finger, you would be. I watched people succumb to it and wondered if I’d looked the same.

She broke a long silence. ‘How much longer do you think you’ll stay?’

Her eyes weren’t fixed onto mine as she spoke to me, for maybe the first time I could recall. I sipped beer and watched them wander. Aaron kept colouring-in on the back of his menu.

‘A week or so. Why? Do you want me gone sooner?’

‘No, not at all. I was thinking maybe you should stay with us.’

‘I have been staying with you.’

‘I mean long term. I have friends. Between us, we could find you work. That room can be yours for as long as you like.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why not? You get along so well with all of us, even Aaron.’

The boy recognised his name and looked up. June pointed to his colouring with a feigned look of amazement. He laughed and clapped then resumed his work.

‘Because this isn’t where I should be.’

‘Then where should you be? Where is home for Mark Ward?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You know, you only ever seem certain about things when they involve you not being good enough. You’ve got a kind face, but it’s always scrunched up in a frown.’

‘June, people always talk about finding a place for yourself, but nobody ever talks about what it’s like when you can’t. To see so much and not feel like any of it belongs to you, or you to any of it. Everyone needs to believe there’s something better just beyond the horizon because it keeps them going, but it’s bullshit.’

‘There is a place for you, and you’ll find it. I want that more than anything for you. And I know that when you do find it, you won’t want to wander anymore.’

‘And how could you possibly know that?’

‘Because I think, someday, you’ll catch your reflection in a mirror or a shop front or a car window … and you’ll lean in to make sure it’s you because you won’t recognise yourself, and you’ll find you don’t have that look in your eye anymore.’

Her voice was breaking. She excused herself and went to the restroom. An older couple glared at me from their table. It was a sin to make a woman like that upset. I sipped my beer – there was nothing else to do. The truth doesn’t always lift you to the heavens; sometimes it straps you into a chair and beats you.

Aaron lifted his completed colouring page towards me. Lines of crayon darted in and out of the shapes’ black outlines. His big eyes waited on my approval. For whatever reason, he thought it mattered. It was shit, but it was his and he was proud. I smiled.

‘That’s real good, buddy.’

Jamie returned and our lessons resumed. I still spent most of my time with June, but it was different. She managed a distance even when right beside me. I was unlike anything she’d seen and it confused her. The day before the proposal, Jamie called into work sick. Under the guise of going to a doctor, we had an all-day lesson. Under the guise of protecting his voice, I suggested we wrap up early.

‘You guys had a fight?’ he asked me from the other side of a bar booth.

I paused mid-bite then continued.

‘I’m just wondering. You guys are close and she seems off. What was it about?’

I gave myself time to think as I chewed and swallowed.

‘She just sees things, is all,’ I mumbled,

‘What things?’

‘Things you didn’t show her.’

‘She can’t help seeing what she sees, and she cares too much to ignore someone who’s hurting. I’d say it’s one of her best qualities.’

I looked up and saw concern on his face.

‘I’d say you’re right.’

We continued eating in silent appreciation of the woman Jamie had made a mother and was about to make a wife. All I’d ever made a woman was upset.