-Girls, Starbucks 11am?? Who’s in? Declan’s treat! Woot Woot!-
Grace: I’m in!
Vannah: I’m there
Taylor: I work for a living, slacker! Have fun
Elise: Count me in.
Lynn: Coffee + the girls = I’M THERE
As I pull into the Starbucks, I am suddenly filled with panic. In my post euphoric state, I forgot that Snatch Von BitchAss works here. I may need to find another Starbucks. Ugh.
I see that Grace’s and Lynn’s cars are already here. I walk in to find them sitting at a table talking. I look around to see if she is here. No sign of her yet. Phew.
“Hey girlies! How are you?” I call out. Vannah is walking in the door behind me.
“HOOKERS!” she shouts across the store. I’m sure the mother to the toddler appreciated it based on the look she gave Savannah.
“Oh, my bad. Sorry,” she says with a shoulder shrug to the woman.
“Hey, have you guys seen Tiffani with an i?” I ask.
“No, not yet,” Grace replies.
“We better not, either. I will cut a bitch if I see her,” Vannah pipes up.
“I am so pissed at what that asshole did the other night. I swear to God I wanted to kick her ass,” Lynn adds. As we are talking, Elise walks in. We are so excited to see her, we never get to hang out anymore.
“Hey! OK, who are we kicking the ass of and why? I mean, I’m down, I just wanna know the severity of said ass kicking that we are planning.”
“Let’s go get our drinks and I will fill you all in,” I reply with a grin.
“Madi got laid,” Savannah says bluntly.
“Jesus, V. Shut up.”
“It’s true. Look at her. It’s written all over your face. You don’t have a poker face, Madi, or even a ‘poke her’ face, for that matter.” She is so pleased with herself.
As we start to gather back at the table with our drinks, I see Mark come out from the back. “Hey, ladies, how are you doing today?” he asks.
“Great/Good/Fine Thanks/Awesome!” We all answer our own sentiment in unison. “How are you?” I ask him.
“Pretty good, aside from people strolling in late,” he says as he motions toward the door.
The only person that could make me simultaneously vomit in my mouth and want to commit heinous acts of violence at the same time is walking in.
“Uh oh. Problem child, is she?” Grace asks.
“To say the least,” he answers. “She’s always late, on her phone texting, or being rude to the customers. I think she might be on her way out. I just have to get enough documentation to cover my ass. She looks like the type to cause trouble if she got fired.”
“Oh you have no idea,” Lynn pipes up.
As Tiffani with an i walks past the table, she smiles and puts on her plastic happy face. “Hello Mark, sorry I’m late,” she says as she scowls at me. Seeing the look she gave me, Mark raises his eyebrows.
“Umm, what was that?”
“She hates Madi,” Savannah blurts out.
“Vannah!”
“Well, it’s true, Madi. Jesus, we all witnessed it.”
“What happened? Did she do something here that I need to know about?”
“No, Mark. It was at a club the other night. She was just causing some trouble, but it’s over.” I smile.
“OK, if you’re sure. Well, if you guys need anything you let me know.”
“Will do. Thanks, Mark.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t ask her for anything. She’d poison you just for spite,” Grace interjects.
“She’ll get what’s coming to her,” Savannah says with an evil grin. I’m a little scared myself and it wasn’t even directed at me.
“What the hell did I miss?” Elise asks. We sit down and Savannah gives her the Cliff’s Notes version of the past few weeks.
“Madi saw Declan. Declan is HOT. Madi made an ass out of herself in front of Declan. Several times. Declan is Madi’s personal trainer. Declan and Madi went out for breakfast. Declan is 30. Madi is not. Declan asked Madi out for a real date. Madi and Declan played slap and tickle. Declan and Madi went on another date. Declan and Madi like each other. We went clubbing. Tiffani with an i saw Madi and Declan at the club together. Tiffani with an i is Declan’s ex-girlfriend. Tiffani with an i freaked the fuck out and told Declan about Claire. Madi had not. Declan took off upset. Madi was sad. Declan showed up at Madi’s to talk. Declan and Madi made up. Madi and Declan played slap and tickle again. Declan and Madi are OK now and are dating.
“There, I think I filled her in,” Vannah finishes, slightly out of breath.
“Declan and Madi said they loved each other,” I add quietly.
A very loud, collective “WHAT!” comes from all the girls at the table. I smile as they crowd around me for the third degree.
As I fill them in on the basics of our confessions, I couldn’t help but notice that Tiffani with an i is at the counter watching us. Apparently Grace noticed too, because she felt this was the perfect moment to aim her sights and fire.
“OH MY GOD, MADI! DECLAN TOLD YOU HE LOVED YOU? I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO!”
The very loud clatter of something breakable hitting the floor comes from the counter, quickly followed by the feeling of hot iron pokers being seared into my flesh from behind.
“Mark, I need to take a break.” I hear her walk around from behind the counter.
“Tiffani, you just got here,” he says, more than a little pissed.
“I know. It’s personal. I’ll be back.” She walks outside and promptly picks up her cell phone.
“Ooh, BURN!” Savannah says.
“Burn? What is this, 1985?” Grace remarks.
I feel sick. Did she poison me? Oh no, wait, she wasn’t here when I ordered. “I don’t have a good feeling about this,” I say to the girls.
“Nothing is going to happen, Madi. It will be OK,” Elise reassures me.
“Yeah, we’ll kick her ass if she does anything,” Savannah chimes in.
“Well, the good news is that she has no more ammo on me. She already dropped the big bomb for me,” I reply with a shoulder shrug. “I guess you’re right.”
She comes back in a few minutes later, looking more pissed than when she left. Her eyes are red like she’s been crying. She couldn’t have been crying, though—harpy shrews don’t have souls, and to feel emotion you must have one, so clearly this is a bad case of allergies.
As Tiffani with an i walks past our table, the look she gives me is a bit frightening. I am not a confrontational person by any means, but there is something about her that makes me want to claw her face off and feed it to my dogs.
“Maybe we should go. I have things to get done before I work tomorrow night.” I have a very uneasy feeling. Did she just go outside to call Declan? I’m sure he didn’t answer since he’s busy with orientation for the academy right now, but I doubt she knows that. Did she call her Pussy Posse to come to Starbucks and shank us in the parking lot?
As we get up and make our way to the door, I can feel her watching me with her dagger eyes. A sudden burst of confidence and balls the size of grapefruits grabs me. I stop in the doorway, turn and lock eyes with her, and slowly mouth the words ‘He loves ME’ with the added smug smile.
As I turn back around to walk out, I throw my hand straight up in the air, high overhead, and give Tiffani with an i the one fingered salute. Yep, she’s number one in my book! I am deafened by the loud screeches and hoots from the girls who are cracking up as we walk to our cars. “Madi, I have never been more proud to call you my friend,” Savannah says as she embraces me in a tight, awkward hug.
As I make my way to my car I feel sick again. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed her buttons. There is something about Snatch Von BitchAss that bothers me.
Aside from being Declan’s ex, she gives me a bad vibe. Maybe I should start my car remotely and have someone taste test my food. Andy, perhaps?
My drive home is filled with thoughts of different ways I can surprise Declan. I’m not going to get to see him much this week with his orientation at the academy and me working the next few days. When I get home, I have a message on my voicemail from my dad.
“Hey, Kiddo, Mom and I wanted to know if we could stay at the cabin a few extra days with Claire. Someone bought the place down the road and they have 2 little girls about Claire’s age. She’s been having a blast playing with them and wants to stay a few more days. Give us a call and let us know if it’s OK. If not, well, too bad. We want to stay a few more days. (He laughs.) We love you. Bye.” I love that my dad still calls me kiddo even though I’m 40. It makes me smile.
I call my dad back and let him know it’s fine if they stay longer. I wish I had gotten to talk to Claire but she was out for a nature walk with my mom. He promises to have her call me tonight.
Claire loves going to the cabin and spending time with my parents. This will give me the weekend to figure out what I am going to do about introducing Claire and Declan to each other.
Claire has no delusions about Andy and me. She knows that we loved each other once but were better as friends. We split when she was so young, she doesn’t remember us together. I wish I shared that same ability. However, the thought of introducing them is terrifying for me. What if she doesn’t like him? What if they don’t get along? What if they do? Right, OK, those are the calming thoughts I need.
After pacing around the house like a caged, bored jungle cat, I decide to call Savannah and see if she wants to go to the mall. I’m in the mood to shop. This should be a red flag for me. This is where my ‘Danger! Danger! Will Robinson’ alarm should sound, but it doesn’t. Instead, my Amex lets a soft whimper escape—it knows it’s going to hurt.
90 minutes later Savannah, Lynn and I are at the mall, bouncing from store to store.
“So, what do you guys think? Should I buy some hot lingerie and surprise Declan Saturday morning with breakfast, wearing it?”
“Ooh, hell yeah!” Savannah says. “Men love slutty lingerie, I should know.” She laughs. Sudden flashes of her as a stripper go through my head. Ugh. Run away! I love her, but the thought of her booty popping in some old guy’s face wearing a school girl outfit gives me the dry heaves.
We head into a rather racy lingerie store and flip through the racks. Lynn busts out laughing and holds up an outfit. “Holy hell, Madi! I found it!”
Lynn lifts up what I believe is supposed to be an inmate costume of the slutty variety. It appears to be a black and white striped G-string with an inmate number of 696969 stamped across the front of the tiny panel, and a push up bra that says “Department of Erections” on one side.
“OH MY GOD! You HAVE to get it!” Savannah screams and rips it from Lynn’s hands. Running up the counter she throws it down and tells the lady to ring it up.
“Savannah, I was thinking something more like this,” I say, holding up a black bustier with garter belts. “You know, sexy with a hint of slutty,” I smile.
“OK, well, you can buy that crap if you want, but this is going home with you today, even if I have to pay for it.”
“You are not buying me lingerie, Vannah,” I roll my eyes.
“Bitch, please. I have no problem buying you sex clothes. I look at this as my version of ‘Big Brothers Big Sisters’. You know, mentoring those who need it. I am your slutty big sister.” she busts out laughing. “I shall mentor you in the art of being a sex kitten.”
“Kitten? Isn’t the accurate term for me Cougar?” I gag.
“Eww. Ick. No. You are so not a cougar, Madi,” Lynn replies.
“Hells no, you’re not a cougar. A cougar is some overly tanned, fake boob, long glitter nails, bedazzled in jewelry, wearing sweats with the word JUICY across the ass, 3 inches of makeup to hide the fact that she has skin like an alligator, carrying some huge leather purse that has a large sparkly cross on it. And her name is like Vicki or something. And she sounds like she smokes 5 packs a day. That’s a cougar.”
“Wow. That is oddly specific, Savannah,” I say with a laugh.
“Oh, and she lives in Boca! You… well… you’re not a cougar. You’re more of a… sexy, pygmy marmoset,” she says with a sincere smile.
“The fuck? I am not a pygmy marmoset, you asshole.”
“Haha. Hear me out. You’re cute and little, like a pygmy marmoset. Have you seen one of those things? Landon was learning about them at school and first thing I thought of was you. Those things are so frickin adorable. They look sweet, like you.”
“Could have been worse. She could have called you a sexy sloth,” Lynn says, laughing.
“You’re a dick,” I huff. I storm up to the checkout, throwing the black lace bustier on the counter along with some crotchless panties. I’ll show YOU sexy pigmy marmoset. “Throw that in too!” I snap, pointing to the Department Of Erections outfit.
“Hell yeah! Madi is joining the PENILE system!” Savannah shouts.
“SHUT UP!” I whip my head around at the two bitches standing behind me.
As I sulk out of the store, we decide to hit a few more places before we go our separate ways.
I choose a few new tops and a pair of insanely cute but ridiculously expensive jeans. We have spent most of the afternoon walking around the mall, laughing and talking. I forgot how much fun it can be to just shop with your girlfriends. No children having to pee, needing food or water, or anything. Jesus, they are so needy. Feed me, Mommy! I need water! Blah Blah Blah. GHAW! You ate yesterday, psssh!
When I look at my watch, I see it’s getting close to 5. Declan should be headed home soon. I can’t wait to hear all about his first day. The girls and I say our goodbyes and head to our cars.
On my drive home, Declan calls me.
“Hello?”
“Hey there, beautiful. How are you?”
“Better now. How are you? How was your orientation?”
“Better now? What happened? Are you OK?”
“I’m fine. I just missed talking to you today. I didn’t get to say goodbye this morning and wish you luck.”
“I’m sorry, but you looked so cute all snuggled up, I didn’t want to wake you.”
“You’re very sweet to me,” I say, smiling. “So how was it?” I ask again.
“Awesome. It’s going to be tough, but I’m excited to get started.”
“So what did you learn today?”
“Learn?” he laughs. “Nothing today. We just did all our paperwork, took our physicals, did assessments, and went over all the academy rules. Pretty boring, actually. Tomorrow starts some of the fun.”
“That’s so exciting. I’m so proud of you,” I reply with a big smile.
“Thanks, baby. That means a lot to me,” I know he’s grinning.
“Well, it’s true! You are making your dream come true. Not everyone can say that.”
“Well, I am definitely living the dream right now.”
“I’m sorry I kept you up so late last night. Were you OK today?”
“Don’t apologize, I’m a big boy. I could have gone to sleep, but I couldn’t pass up lying with you and talking all night. That was… what do you say? Amazeballs?” he laughs.
“It was amazeballs, wasn’t it?” I laugh.
“But I am pretty beat. I’m going to go home, take a shower, call my mom, eat something and go to bed. Tomorrow we start at it pretty hard core.”
“I’ll miss you,” I say quietly.
“Oh, baby. I’ll miss you too.”
“Well you be safe driving home and get some rest, OK?”
“I will. Can I call you tomorrow? You’re working, right?”
“Of course you can. Yeah, I work the next 3 days.”
“OK, I will call you tomorrow before you leave for work.”
“OK. Deal.”
“Madi?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.” I can hear him grin.
“I love you, too.” It feels so natural to say it to him.
“Bye, baby.”
“Bye.”
When I get home, I bring my naughty lingerie out and decide to actually try it on. I was too pissed in the store to do it. I walk out of my bathroom in the slutty inmate get up and immediately start laughing at the sight before me. I look ridiculous, but I get why guys like this crap. It has done wonders for my boobs. I think it’s the vertical stripes. They make objects look larger than they are.
Next, I put on the black lace corset and thigh highs with the garter belts. WOW—I thought that other thing made my boobs look big. I look like a porn star in this thing. My tits look awesome! I may never take this off. I may wear it under my scrubs tomorrow night. Damn!
I put everything away and decide to wear the black one on Saturday morning when I surprise Declan at his place with breakfast.
Tuesday morning rolls around and I decide to go to the gym. I haven’t been in a few days. Taylor is going to kill me. When I walk in I hear the scoff come from behind the counter.
“Well, well, well. Look what the smitten kitten drug in,” she smiles.
“Good morning, my friend.”
“You certainly look better than you did the last time I saw you,” she smiles wider.
“Yeah, things are good now.”
“So I hear. Savannah filled me in. So everything is OK? He knows all about Claire?”
“Yep, we talked it all out the next morning.”
“And apparently you both admitted you love each other?” she asks with raised brows.
“Yeah,” I say with a big smile.
“I’m happy for you guys. I think you’re going to be good for each other.”
“You do? I didn’t think you would.”
“Why? You know I love you and just want you to be happy. Why wouldn’t I want you guys together?”
“I don’t know. You’re always so rational. I would have thought you wouldn’t think a guy 10 years younger than me would be good. And telling each other we love one another so soon… I just…”
“You just nothing. I don’t believe love has a time line. When I met Garrett, I knew on our first date that I was going to marry him. Declan is a good guy, Madi, and I knew from day one he was head over heels for you.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, it was SO obvious. He kept asking me all kinds of questions about you that day you got busted singing. I knew he liked you.”
“How?”
“Well, he wasn’t asking me to sign you up for a record contract now, was he? Why else would he ask? He wanted to get to know you.”
“What else did he ask?” I ask a little too giddily.
“Just the basics. What your name was, if you were married, how well I knew you. I told him your name was Madi, that you were married once but were single and that I knew you all too well,” she replies with a laugh.
“Oh.”
“After your little tumble that day, he seemed worried about you and kept asking me if I had heard from you, if you were OK.”
“He did?” I’m shocked.
“Yep. Then, when I blackmailed you into training, he saw your name on the PT list and asked if he could be your trainer. Who am I to stand in the way of budding young love?” She grins and bats her eyelashes.
“I knew it! I knew you blackmailed me into it for a reason.”
“I was going to pair you guys up together anyway just to see what happened, but when he asked I ran with it. And now look!” She clasps her well-manicured hands together. “Listen, when I saw the way he looked at you that day you were singing, I knew there was something there. Most of us were covering our ears or turning the volume up on our headphones, but he didn’t. He just stopped what he was doing and watched you. That’s not normal. I got a feeling in my gut, like I did when I knew that Garrett was the one. I knew you guys would be good together.”
“Well, I guess I need to thank you then.”
“No, no thanks necessary. I didn’t really do anything. Declan beat me to it by asking if he could be your trainer. I just bought the gym that brought you two together,” she winks.
“Thank you for buying a gym, getting hit in the head and coming into the ER for stitches so we could meet and become friends, and then talking me into joining your gym so I could meet Declan,” I say, laughing as I hug her.
“It was nothing, really,” she shrugs.
I decide to walk on the treadmill I was using when I got caught singing, reflecting on where it all happened. I send Declan a quick text message for him to see when he gets out of training tonight.
-I hope U had a gr8 day 2day. I luv and miss U. XO-
He will love that, talking bingo to him.
Heading back home an hour later, I take a quick nap before work. When I wake up, I feel refreshed and start to get ready for my very long evening ahead. My bright side is that I should be getting a call from Declan soon.
As I am finishing my hair and makeup, the phone rings. Oh, that must be Declan. I run and grab the phone but it says Unknown Caller. I choose not to answer it. A minute later it tells me I have a voicemail.
“You better watch your back, you little cunt.” And the line disconnects.
In shock, I hang up and put the phone down. It had to be Tiffani with an i. She is the only person who would have it out for me. But how did she get my number? It didn’t sound like her, though; there were no harpy shrew tones. It was a deeper voice. Maybe one of her friends. I’m not worried about my safety, but as a mother my first thought is for Claire. I’m so glad she is at my parents’ cabin.
A few minutes later the phone rings and I jump. It’s Declan. Thank God.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby. How are you?”
“I’m OK. How are you?” I reply.
“I’m great. Are you OK? You don’t sound right,” Declan asks, concerned.
“I’m fine,” I answer, trying not to freak out.
“Madi, talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I just got a weird phone call. Everything is fine,” I say, trying to calm him.
“What kind of call?”
“Just a strange message. It’s OK. So, tell me about your day?” I ask, overly chipper.
His tone is different. I can tell he’s worried, but he doesn’t want me to know about it. “It was great. How was yours?”
“It was good. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill.”
“You didn’t sing or fall, did you?” I can hear him laughing.
“NO. I was actually walking on the same treadmill that I was on the day you caught me singing. I sent you a text while I was there. Didn’t you get it?”
“No. When did you send it?”
“Earlier. No big deal. Maybe the reception was bad in the gym.”
“What did it say?”
“Just that I hope you had a good day and that I loved and missed you. But I typed it in Declan Bingo,” I giggle
“Declan Bingo? Is that like Pig Latin?” he chuckles.
“Something like that.”
“Madi, you don’t sound right. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m fine, Declan. I just miss you.”
“I know, baby, I miss you too. When is Claire coming back from your parents’ cabin?”
“I’m not sure yet, maybe early next week. Why?”
“I want to see you this weekend. How about Saturday afternoon? Maybe we can go for a ride on my bike and have lunch?”
“I would love that!”
“OK. Well, I know you have to get ready for work. I’m going to go home and shower and study.”
“Alright, well you have fun with that,” I say, laughing.
“I hope you have a wonderful night, Madi.”
“Thank you, I will. I got to talk to you so I’m good. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. Talk to you tomorrow?”
“Absolutely. And Declan, be careful, OK?”
“I will, Madi. I love you,” I can still hear the questioning tone in his voice.
“Love you too.”
***