Chapter Sixteen

Libby was in a pickle; she needed to be in two places at one time. With no recent breakthroughs in cloning, she was out of options and phoned Caroline.

“Are you about to leave work?” Libby asked.

Caroline checked her watch. “Wow, I had no idea it was that late. Do you need me for something?”

“Bob called and he’s going to be late. I need to pick up Shannon at Mae Day and get her to soccer practice at the same time Charlie needs to get picked up from model club. Are you available for either taxi assignment? I would ask Sam’s mom, but he’s home sick.”

“Timing is your friend, O’Rourke. I was just about to call for a hair appointment tonight, but my roots can wait.”

“Bless you. Sean’s meeting with a client right now at the office and can’t leave to shuttle Shannon, you’re saving me, yet again.”

“No problem, I’ll talk to you later.”

****

Twenty minutes later Caroline rushed into Mae Day, and ran smack into Sean—hitting him in the forehead with the front door.

“Hey Duffy,” Sean said, rubbing his head. “Use a turn signal next time.”

“Sorry,” Caroline grimaced. “Are you okay? It’s freezing out there, and I just ran inside.” A welt formed in the center of his forehead. “Damn, you’re going to have a lump.”

“No worries, not the first time I’ve run into a door.” He led her in. “I called Lib. My meeting ended early, I can take Shannon. We must have got our signals crossed. Sorry you had to come all the way over here.”

Caroline looked down at her phone. “Oops, it looks like Lib did try to get me. I had the ringer on vibrate.” She slid the phone back into her pocket. “No big deal, I’m here now and I’m headed that way anyhow; I’ll take her.”

“Okay, that would be great; it’ll give me time to wrap up stuff here.” He yelled over his shoulder, “Shann, Caroline’s here. Get moving or you’ll be late.”

An awkward quiet came over the room. At a loss for conversation the pair fumbled with mundane tasks. Sean sorted paperwork on Deb’s desk while Caroline mindlessly dug into her purse for nothing in particular.

Since returning to Rhyme, post-divorce, Caroline had taken note of Sean’s absence at many of the events she attended. She was developing a complex. Had she unknowingly offended him in some way? She broke the silence. “Okay, this is silly.”

“What?” Sean asked.

“Don’t give me that—you know exactly what I’m talking about. This...” She stirred the air between them. “You’re avoiding me, and I want to know why?”

“What? You’re imagining things. I’m not avoiding you.” Adverse to confrontation, he yelled for back up. “Shannon, come on! Aunt Caroline is waiting.”

“That is such bull, and you know it,” she insisted. “We have a history—”

Shannon burst in the room. “I couldn’t find my other shin guard...it was in my backpack.” She grabbed her coat. “Bye Uncle Sean. Call Mom if you need me tomorrow.” She ran out to the car.

Caroline turned to Sean before following. “We are not done here,” she warned.

“Caroline...” Sean’s easy-going expression turned to stone. “We were done a long time ago.”

****

Caroline and Libby primped for the senior prom. A seven-month culmination of anxiety, the prom marked the highlight of the St. Margret Mary High School social season.

Smart gown shoppers adopted full hunt mode over Christmas holiday. Hair test runs, including proper length and highlight color, were February must-do’s. They learned a valuable lesson from Mary Kozinski’s unfortunate clumpy-bangs incident a week prior to Junior Prom. Prom dates, secured by April, were mandatory. Couples parting ways post-April first must attend the prom jointly. It was the law. Young love shattered, but prom contracts were iron-clad.

Caroline’s boyfriend Mark attended the University of Michigan. Home for Easter break, Mark informed her was unable to attend the big dance. The relationship ended officially weeks later, but Caroline took it in stride.

Libby refused to attend prom without her best friend and offered up Kevin as a sacrificial date. A junior, and self-proclaimed nerd, Kevin needed all the social status points he could get and was happy to go. Not her first choice, Caroline reluctantly agreed, and plans were set in motion.

Sean, a University of Connecticut freshman, agreed to escort his on-again, off-again girlfriend Michelle to the dance.

The momentous night arrived. Caroline, Michelle, Libby’s date Tom, and the three McGinns gathered in front of Mae’s prized garden for pictures. Blooms of every hue framed the young couples.

Caroline’s pale blue strapless gown matched the hydrangeas. Her shoulder length blonde hair was pulled back with a fresh yellow rosebud. Small diamond studs twinkled at her ears.

At Mae’s insistence, Libby in her virginal white taffeta styled her curly red hair in a loose up- do. Grandma Shannon’s pearls were at her neck.

In polar opposition, Michelle wore a low-cut black satin dress offset by a large rhinestone crucifix necklace. Black lace gloves and four-inch stilettos added to the rock star-inspired image while an over-beaded bag concealed lip-gloss, condoms, and a freshly rolled joint.

Mae positioned the friends for a group photo and lifted the camera to her eye. She caught site of Michelle’s jewelry. “What a lovely cross, dear,” Mae said. “Can you pull it up slightly for the photo? It’s getting lost in your bosoms.”

“Mom, don’t go there.” Sean warned.

Clueless, Michelle hiked up the rhinestones from her cleavage and smiled for the camera.

“Hush Sean, everyone smile!” They obeyed. “Okay, now just my three kids.” Sean, Kevin, and Libby huddled together. The boys’ white tuxedos matched Libby.

“We look like bowling pins,” Kevin muttered under his breath.

Libby smiled through clenched teeth for the camera. “More like a First Communion on steroids. Suck it up and smile so we can get out of here.”

Pictures complete, they piled into the limousine as Bernie and Mae waved from the front porch. The clashing perfume, corsages, and unnecessary aftershave filled the car’s interior. Michelle’s berry chewing gum added a fruity aroma. Tom pulled out a flask and made the first toast.

“Bottoms up,” he gulped, and passed the vodka. “Here’s to a little liquid courage to get things rolling.” Michelle temporarily removed her wad of gum and took the second sip. Each passenger followed suit, except Sean.

“None for you, bro?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t need shitty booze to have a good time.” Sean said.

“Well aren’t you too perfect?” Libby teased. “Come on, Sean, have a little fun. I’ve got two weeks before I ship off to Camp Filthy Rich for the summer.” Libby had accepted a summer counselor job at an exclusive sleep-away camp in the Berkshires. The prom was her last chance to have fun. “Can’t you drop the big brother act, just for one night, please?” Sean ignored his sister and looked out the window in silence.

Michelle snapped her gum and giggled. “He’s just pissed because he has to go with me tonight instead of hanging on campus with some hot college chick.”

“Give it a rest Michelle.” Sean said. “I told you I’d come to the damned thing, and I’m here. Don’t make a big freaking deal.”

Kevin started playing with the radio while Michelle and Tom worked on finishing the vodka. Libby turned to Caroline. “You’re quiet. What gives?”

Caroline welled up with tears. She pulled her hair behind her ears. “Dad gave me Mom’s earrings to wear tonight. You know he’s not a sentimental guy, but he choked up. Seeing him like that—I guess it just hit me how much I miss her on nights like this.”

Evelyn Duffy had died in January of ovarian cancer. Her husband John was at her side until her last breath.

“I remember when your dad gave her those earrings.” Libby said. “It was last year’s birthday, right?”

The memory made Caroline laugh a little. “She was so mad at him! They needed to fix the roof and, instead, he bought her these.” She touched the stones. “Mom wore them every day.”

Overhearing their conversation, Sean recalled the days spent helping Mr. Duffy patch the roof so he could save money on a contractor to buy his wife a special gift. He wanted her to have something beautiful during her battle with the ugliest disease.

Sean glared at Kevin. Busy playing with the car radio, he was oblivious to Caroline’s tears. Hold her you idiot.

At the school, the group piled out of the limo and into the gym. Decorated in a Roaring Twenties theme, the space resembled a back-alley speakeasy. Dim lighting and mobster murals hid the overhead scoreboard and basketball hoops. The tables, covered in crushed red velvet, were set with durable white plastic dishes and vases of lilies. Their fragrant scent was not fully able to mask the thirty years of phys ed.

Tom sniffed. “Looks good, but it still smells like wrestling mats.”

“Hard to believe I was doing sit ups in here yesterday.” Libby said. The photographer caught her eye. “Let’s get our pictures done early. I’m not making the same mistake as last year.”

At the junior prom, Libby over-indulged on both drink and dance. With just half an hour left at the dance, she and her date raced to the photo station for the formal picture her parents paid for in advance. The result haunted her.

“I looked like a homeless stripper.” Libby shivered. “Mae was not pleased.” Entering the picture line, she saw the portrait backdrop—three mafia-inspired gangsters gathered around a mahogany bar, guns at their hips, cigarettes dangling out of mustached mouths. The menacing caricatures, designed in keeping with the 1920’s style, fell short of creating elegant keepsakes. Honoring St. Margaret Mary’s true Catholic school image, painted into the mural, directly above the martini-clad bar, was a weeping Jesus on the cross.

“Classic.” Kevin smiled. “Gangsters and God, these pictures are going to send Mae around the bend.”

Libby nodded in agreement. “Last year’s photo is going to look like the cover of Good Girls Quarterly after this.”

Mug shots complete, they sat down to a dinner of overcooked chicken and cold green beans. Food was food. No one cared what it tasted like. The purpose of the prom was to mock others’ dance moves, drink, and behave regrettably; it was a rite of passage.

After dry vanilla sheet cake topped with freezer-burned chocolate ice cream, the dancing began. Libby and Tom gyrated in one of the larger groups while Sean and Michelle huddled in a corner, locked in an intense argument. Kevin, rhythmically and socially stunted, took off in search of booze, leaving Caroline alone at the table.

An hour later Michelle vanished to smoke off her mad, Kevin disappeared in search of even more booze, and Libby and Tom slow danced to big-hair bands crooning of unrequited love.

“Hey.” Sean dropped down in the seat beside Caroline.

“Hey.” Caroline said.

“Kevin MIA?”

“Looks like.”

“Kid drinks like a fish. Dad gave him hell last week, but he hasn’t slowed down.” Sean had his stern face on. Always the responsible one of the group, he felt the constant need to supervise. He took his role as eldest seriously.

Caroline smiled.

“What?” Sean asked.

“Nothing.”

“It’s not ‘nothing.’ What are you smiling at?”

Her grin spread. “You call Kevin a ‘kid’ like you’re eighty or something; you’re not his dad, Sean. Let him be an idiot, it’s his life. You don’t have to babysit anymore.”

Sean shrugged. “Someone has to keep an eye on this bunch.” He pointed to Libby and Tom swaying closer than wise. “She’s going to be knocked up if she keeps it up with that guy, and you aren’t much better. At least you wised up and broke it off with that shithead, Mark.”

“You know, Sean, college turned you into a real asshole!” She stood. “If Kevin ever surfaces, tell him I left.” She stormed out the gym door.

Sean swore under his breath and chased after her. He caught her at the edge of the parking lot and whirled her around to face him. “What’s your problem?” he yelled.

Shaking free, Caroline blasted him. “I’m not your sister, Sean, or even one of your slut girlfriends! I don’t need you to keep tabs on me. Go back inside and let your pothead date grope you.”

“Nice mouth,” Sean fired back. “Did your dumbass boyfriend get sick of listening to it, and that’s why he dumped your ass?” He regretted the words the minute they left his mouth and instantly stepped forward to set things right. It was too late. Caroline’s corsage-dressed wrist slammed into his jaw with a satisfying crack.

“Jesus Christ! You hit me! You fucking hit me!”

She wasn’t done yet. Caroline shrieked at an inhuman level and continued to pound at his chest without hesitation or any sign of stopping.

“Knock it off!” Sean gripped her in a vice-like hold. “Shh. Take it easy, slugger. I’m sorry, okay?”

Caroline stilled and leaned into his hard chest, her voice eerie and detached. “The dumbass,” she said between tears, “dumped me because I thought I was pregnant.”

Sean froze. Her eyes held him captive.

“Don’t worry, it was a false alarm. But the scare helped good old Mark realize he needed someone who wasn’t, let me see if I can get the words right, ‘a stupid, inexperienced bitch.’”

Sean’s rage was a distant second to the overwhelming need to apologize. He pulled Caroline firmly into his arms and held on as if the earth were ending.

She struggled to get free, yelling and pushing against his chest. His grasp tightened. “Let me go! I don’t want your Goddamned pity.”

Her efforts were futile. Sean’s embrace turned from prison to haven, and her sobs released. As she cried, his hands ran up and down her back. He buried his face in her soft hair.

“Car, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things.” He looked down at her. “I am such an asshole.”

Caroline pulled back only slightly, wiping the dampness from her cheeks. “You could never be an asshole. Anyway, I’m the idiot who stayed with him all that time.”

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. “I hated that guy. He treated you like crap, and here I am acting just like him.”

“You could never be like Mark.” Caroline smiled. “You go into big brother mode at the first sign of trouble. I used to hate that, even when I was nine, and forced you to pretend-marry me.”

Sean thought back to the day Libby and Caroline roped him into playing wedding in the backyard. Lib, the priest, broke gender rules right from the beginning. Stuffed animal guests watched as Caroline, sporting a pillowcase bridal veil, dragged Sean to the swing set altar, a bouquet of dandelions in her grasp. Even then, he gave in without complaint. If it made Caroline happy, Sean did it.

She brushed an innocent kiss across his cheek. “You always played my hero,” Caroline said. “You protected me even when I didn’t know I needed it.”

His shocking blue eyes bored down on her. She swallowed hard. “You don’t have to protect me, Sean. I’m not the other little sister chasing you around the yard anymore. I grew up.”

Sean took Caroline’s face in his hands. Staring back at her was someone new, someone Caroline felt like she was looking at for the first time. His eyes darkened, his expression, intense. She shivered. The air shifted between them and an intimate pull began to form—she felt an unrelenting need to be close to him.

“I can’t stop protecting you. I don’t want to.” His voice dropped. “And trust me, I haven’t felt like your brother for a hell of a long time.” Stepping closer, he went on, “It kills me to see you like this. I physically hurt when someone upsets you.”

His hands ran through her hair and down her back. His jaw clenched. “I want to go find that guy and…shit. Never mind. I shouldn’t tell you in case the cops ever find the body. I think that would make you an accomplice or something.”

A small, nervous laugh escaped Caroline. “Connecticut has the death penalty. I couldn’t live with being responsible for sending you to the electric chair. Mae would never forgive me.”

Sean locked on Caroline’s gaze. “For you,”—he tightened his hold—“death is worth it.” He traced the outline of her face with his free hand. Emotions he’d been wrestling with for years surfaced, and for the first time he let go.

His tender words were full of confusion. “I’m not sure what to do here.” He wanted to kiss her more than take his next breath. “You’ve been through a lot, between your mom and how that dick treated you; I’m afraid if I do what I want to right now...God I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Sean?” Caroline’s soft voice filled with awe as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. The whisper of space between them shrank. “I’ve been waiting for you since third grade.” She wiped away a stray tear, and placed her heart on the line. “I don’t need a big brother, Sean; I need you.”

His lips came down on hers with pure hunger. A lifetime of frustration released in a single, heart-stopping moment. Caroline groaned. As the kisses deepened, she expected to feel awkward or nervous, but a sense of completion overtook her as they touched—like finding a home, after years of searching, and never wanting to leave.

The comfort of knowing all the intimate details of each other’s lives fed the passion erupting between them, no secrets, no restraint. Everything melted away. The music and conversations spilling from the gym disappeared.

All too soon bright headlights cut across the parking lot and broke the spell. Breathless, Caroline spoke first. “Sean, I…”

The sound of heavy, uneven footsteps intruded on the moment. Michelle stomped across the parking lot like a Clydesdale in sequins. “Where the hell have you been?”

Feeling exposed, they turned toward her like children caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

Michelle wobbled to a stop. Words slurred, the smell of marijuana surrounded her. “I went for a quick smoke, and you disappeared.”

In spite of his date’s sideshow appearance, Sean could not pull his gaze from Caroline. Her swollen lips and flushed cheeks made him ache to touch her.

“Go back inside, Michelle,” he said. “I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

“Fine,” Michelle said. “If you don’t hurry up, I’m not putting out. Got that dickhead?”

Sean rolled his eyes. Caroline hid a smile.

“Go on,” he said. “I’ll catch up with you later.” Michelle weaved her way back into the gym. Sean reached for Caroline, and she went willingly into his arms.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “Just goes to show we’ve both been with the wrong people, at one point or another.” Caroline nodded, but he could see the nerves were starting to set in.

He tapped a finger on her forehead. “I know that look, and this scares me too, Duffy. Don’t pull away now. We’ll take it slow, no pressure. This could be a really good thing if we let it.”

He kissed her gently and smiled. “I’m just sorry you had to slug me to make me see it. You’ve got a mean right hook.”

In spite of her anxiety, Caroline laughed. Her hands took on a life of their own, unable to stop touching him.

“Sean, I want this too, more than you know, but we’re not just two people who met at a party or something. There’s a lot more to lose here. If we open this door, there’s no going back.”

He pulled her to his chest and whispered in her ear. “I’m opening the door, come inside with me.”

****

From the moment it began, Sean and Caroline knew a romance was risky and agreed to keep their relationship private. Caroline felt dishonest withholding the new romance from Libby, but with her best friend away for the summer at camp, the secret was best left between her and Sean.

In fall, Sean would return to the University of Connecticut as Caroline started her first year at Boston College. From the beginning they realized the transition would challenge their newfound happiness, but chose to live in the moment and let time decide if they would stay together.

The night before Caroline was set to leave, Sean asked her to meet him at the beach.

The moon was full, casting a glow on the sand. Looking out at the shoreline, Caroline saw Sean’s silhouette. Building homes alongside his father, his frame had transformed from lanky teenager to muscular, well-defined man.

At the water’s edge, he sat with broad shoulders slumped, head in hands. Before he spoke a single word, his defeated posture said the relationship was ending. Walking toward him, she felt sadness gnaw at her heart.

Seeing her approach, he stood and opened his arms. She ran into his embrace and buried her face in his soft sweatshirt. She loved his familiar scent—sawdust and freshly fallen rain. His grip tightened as she clung.

They came together at a point in her life filled with pain and uncertainty, and with Sean’s support, Caroline had healed, and discovered what it felt like to love completely. She wept, knowing what was to come.

“Look at me, Caroline,” he turned her face to his and kissed her with softness only she knew he possessed. “Please don’t cry. You know the distance thing never works.”

Caroline’s voice cracked. “Why? BC and UConn are close. We can see each other on weekends.” She grabbed at him. “Why are you giving up before even trying?”

Lying was not Sean’s strong suit, and telling Caroline he wanted to end things between them called on every ounce of acting skill he could muster. She needed time to experience life without him, to find her path in life. The very thought of being without her stole the life from his soul.

“Caroline, I don’t want to hurt you, but be realistic. You are going to want to see other people in college; I’ll just hold you back.”

“I can’t believe you are doing this,” she sobbed.

“We’ve only been together a couple of months,” he said. “It was a summer thing. We knew that,” he lied. The truth was too difficult to confess. “We’re friends, and always will be. Neither one of us is ready for anything serious right now. Let’s not make this a big deal.”

“A big deal?” She stepped out of his embrace. “Let me clear something up for you Sean. When I was at my lowest, when I hated who I was and didn’t know how I was going to get from day to day, you were there, and you made that hurt go away. When you touched me, it wasn’t sex. I’ve had sex. What we had was love.”

Sean reached for her. She shoved him away. “And this pain you seem to think you are saving me from”—she touched her chest—“this pain I feel right here, right now, makes what Mark put me through feel like a paper cut. I’ll make it easy for you, Sean, okay? You want to end this, fine. But before you walk away I want you to know something, I’m in love with you, I have been for as long as I can remember, I can’t force you to feel the same way. You don’t need to break out older brother mode and make it all better. I’m a big girl now, but know this...I will never be able to look at you, never be in the same room with you without remembering right here, right now...the moment you gave up on us. “

Before he could respond, she ran away from him, down the darkened beach, away from the life they might have had. All he could do was watch her go.

Sean drove by her house on the way home, determined to make sure she got home safe. Her rusty convertible sat in the driveway, a dim light shone from the bedroom window. Fighting the urge to run to the door and beg for forgiveness, he headed toward home.

Alone with his thoughts in the silent car, he realized he left Caroline with a broken heart and no one to console her. Libby was away, her mother was dead, and the guilt of knowing what he had done was eating him alive. No amount of time would lessen the feeling.

At home, he opened the back door. Bernie was at the kitchen table, a bottle of Irish whiskey ready to pour.

“Dad,” Sean questioned. “Why are you still up?”

Bernie invited his son to take a seat and reached in the cabinet behind him for two glasses. He poured a generous amount of amber liquid into each. “Something told me you might need a bit of company tonight, and Lord knows I’m not naïve enough to believe this is your first tip of the bottle. Set your behind down and join me.” Bernie grinned, “I believe it’s time for your first official drink with your old man.”

Sean sat down and reached for a glass. “What’s the occasion?”

“Ah lad, the occasion will be on the day you finally come to your senses and marry that girl, but for tonight, we’ll just have a toast.” Meeting Sean’s shocked stare, Bernie raised his glass and lowered his voice. “To love, and the women who make it worth losing.”

Sean stared at his father. Were his feelings for Caroline that obvious? “You knew?” He covered his eyes with his free hand, shaking his head in disbelief. “Christ, does everybody know?”

“Drink up Pansy-boy, and then I’ll answer your question.”

Sean obliged, downing the liquid in one sip. Bernie did the same.

“Of course I knew,” Bernie continued. “Hell, every time Caroline Duffy set foot in this house you all but peed a circle around her, marking your territory. Really Sean, it got to be a bit embarrassing.”

Bernie poured them another drink. “No worries, your sister is too wrapped teaching those spoiled juvenile delinquents and dating that inbred I-talian, Mancuso, to notice anything. And Kevin’s too drunk to see straight half the time. No son, no one else knows, it’s between us.”

“I had to end it, Dad.” Sean sighed.

“You don’t have to convince me son. I know you did what you had to...for now at least. She’s got some growing to do, you both do. Give it time, see what fate has in store. It may surprise you.”

Sean nodded and downed the second shot. Voice quivering, he surrendered the idea of holding his emotions in check; this was his father, there was nothing he couldn’t tell him, “It’s killing me, Dad. I feel like I’m going to die. I love her.”

Bernie finished his drink, stood up and walked around the table wrapping his stoic oldest child in his burly arms. “I know son. I know.” He ran his hand over the top of his head, much as he had when Sean was a small boy. “Our Caroline. She’s one of the special ones.”

Tears streamed down Sean’s stubbled face as he met Bernie’s understanding gaze. “Yeah? How do you know that, Dad?”

“Now, Sean Bernard, that’s a dumb question from a smart man.” Bernie smiled. “It’s easy for me to recognize a truly remarkable girl when I set eyes on her; after all, I married the best one. Don’t tell your mother that, it will go right to her head.”

Sean cracked a faint smile. “Got any other words of wisdom?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Never hesitate on your happiness, son. If the man upstairs grants you a moment’s joy, no matter when or where it comes, grab on with both hands and hold on with all your strength. Whether fate brings our Caroline back to you or takes another path, life is a gift. Accept it as such, and never take a minute for granted.”

“I won’t Dad, I promise.”

Bernie slapped him on the back. “Good, now get your sorry ass to bed, we’ve got work tomorrow. I don’t need you falling off a roof and having me end up on the receiving end of one your mother’s lashings. She’s may be small, but the woman scares the crap out of me.”

****

Caroline Duffy met Steve Schwartz in her first year of college; they were married four years later. Fate, Sean thought, was a bitch.