The ink was barely dry on their marriage certificate when Erin and Nathan moved to Fort Knox, Kentucky, for a nine-month assignment. Unaccustomed to military life, Erin was lonely in her new environment and not intellectually challenged the way she had been in the career she had just given up. And, she didn’t know the first thing about how to be an Army wife. Nathan was busy in his new job and completely clueless as to why his bride was growing frustrated and resentful.
“He didn’t realize I needed help to learn how to do the simplest things like getting an identification card so I could shop at the store, learning how to cash a check at the post bank, going to the doctor, or navigating the many offices and rules on post,” said Erin. She felt thrown into a life where she knew very little, and Nathan was not speaking her love language to help her learn.
Erin’s primary love language was what I call “acts of service.” By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her. So it was with Doug, whom we met in the last chapter.
In a military marriage, “dependents” depend on the service member for help with certain tasks, such as getting an ID card, updating DEERS insurance accounts, securing passports, and finance or housing issues. All spouses need their service member to assist in these things (unless power of attorney allows otherwise), but spouses whose love language is acts of service will feel especially hurt, as Erin did, if their service members don’t provide this help. Other day-to-day actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, changing the baby’s diaper, dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in operating condition, paying the bills, trimming the shrubs, walking the dog, changing the cat’s litter box, and dealing with landlords and insurance companies are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.
Unfortunately, it never occurred to Nathan that Erin would need help with the basic aspects of adjusting to military life, and since she didn’t feel loved and cared for by him, she withdrew physically from him. When he, in turn, seemed even less loving to her, she began to guess at possible reasons, ranging from regretting marrying her, to marrying her just to have a military spouse at his side in his career. “I learned and resented the old saying, ‘If the Army would have wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one,’” Erin said.
A deployment, with its inherent communication breakdowns, only heightened tensions between them. “She seemed to hate military life,” Nathan said. “I didn’t know what to do, so I just worked harder to provide for us and avoided any arguments.” In the meantime, on the home front, Erin volunteered at Army Community Service, where she was trained to teach new Army wives all about Army life.
Eventually, a chaplain gave Erin and Nathan tickets to attend a marriage seminar, and they discovered The 5 Love Languages. Finally, Erin and Nathan understood why they both felt frustrated. “We still loved each other very much, but being apart and living a demanding military life with many deployments made it far more difficult to speak the love languages of physical touch and acts of service,” said Erin.
To ease some of the loneliness when he deployed, Nathan wrote a letter he would mail from the post the day he left. He also wrote a few letters to be opened in the days after he left. To Erin, taking the time to write letters and emails was an act of service.
Nathan’s primary love language was physical touch, but acts of service was his secondary. So Erin continued to perform acts of service at home with a greater love and understanding now that she had been trained to understand Army life by Army Community Service in the Army Family Team Building program. She became so passionate about helping other women avoid the pain she and Nathan had been through she became an award-winning volunteer, training other women, receiving the Helping Hands Award, and being inducted into the Order of Saint Joan D’Arc. Both Nathan and Erin have continued to read books about marriage and family, and live out a commitment of drawing closer in their marriage each day.
I discovered the impact of “acts of service” in the little village of China Grove, North Carolina. I was standing under a chinaberry tree after church on Sunday when Mark and Mary approached me.
“I have a question,” Mark said after introducing himself. “Can a couple make it in marriage if they disagree on everything?”
It was one of those theoretical questions I knew had a personal root, so I asked him a personal question. “How long have you been married?”
“Two years,” he responded. “And we don’t agree on anything.”
“Give me some examples,” I continued.
“Well, for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hunting. I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hunting on Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hunting season is in.”
Mary had been silent until this point when she interjected. “When hunting season is out, he goes fishing, and besides, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He takes off from work to go hunting.”
“Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from work to go hunting in the mountains with some buddies. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”
“What else do you disagree on?” I asked.
“Well, she wants me to go to church all the time. I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to have to go.”
Again Mary spoke up. “You don’t really want me to go either,” she said. “You fuss every time I walk out the door.”
I continued. “What other things do you disagree on?”
This time Mary answered. “He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house,” she said. “He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping or something.”
“I don’t mind her going to see her mother,” he said, “but when I come home, I like to see the house cleaned up. Some weeks, she doesn’t make the bed up for three or four days, and half the time, she hasn’t even started supper. I work hard, and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that, the house is a wreck,” he continued. “The baby’s things are all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. She seems to be happy to live in a pigpen. We don’t have very much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could be clean.”
“What’s wrong with his helping me around the house?” Mary asked. “He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He expects me to do everything.”
Thinking I had better start looking for solutions rather than prying for more disagreements, I looked at Mark and asked, “Mark, when you were dating, before you got married, did you go hunting every Saturday?”
“Most Saturdays,” he said, “but I always got home in time to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the time, I’d get home in time to wash my truck before I went to see her. I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.”
“Mary, how old were you when you got married?” I asked.
“I was eighteen,” she said. “We got married right after I finished high school. Mark graduated a year before me, and he was working.”
“During your senior year in high school, how often did Mark come to see you?” I inquired.
“He came almost every night,” she said. “In fact, he came in the afternoon and would often stay and have supper with my family. He would help me do my chores around the house and then we’d sit and talk until supper time.”
“Mark, what did the two of you do after supper?” I asked.
Mark looked up with a sheepish smile and said, “Well, the regular dating stuff, you know.”
“But if I had a school project,” Mary said, “he’d help me with it. Sometimes we worked hours on school projects. I was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He helped me for three weeks every afternoon. He was great.”
I switched gears and focused on the third area of their disagreement. “Mark, when you were dating, did you go to church with Mary on Sunday nights?”
“Yes, I did,” he said. “If I didn’t go to church with her, I couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.”
I thought I was beginning to see some light, but I wasn’t sure Mark and Mary were seeing it. I turned to Mary and asked, “When you were dating Mark, what convinced you he really loved you? What made him different from other guys you had dated?”
“It was the way he helped me with everything,” she said. “He was so eager to help me. None of the other guys ever expressed any interest in those things, but it seemed natural for Mark. He even helped me wash dishes when he had supper at our house. He was the most wonderful person I had ever met, but after we got married that changed. He didn’t help me at all.”
Turning to Mark, I asked, “Why do you think you did all those things for and with her before you were married?”
“It just seemed natural for me,” he said. “It’s what I would want someone to do for me if she cared about me.”
“And why do you think you stopped helping her after you got married?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never saw my dad vacuum or wash the dishes or do anything around the house. Since Mom didn’t work outside the house, she kept everything spotless, did all the cooking, washing, and ironing. And I guess I just thought that was the way it was supposed to be.”
Hoping Mark was seeing what I was seeing, I asked, “Mark, a moment ago what did you hear Mary say when I asked her what really made her feel loved by you when you were dating?”
He responded, “Helping her with things and doing things with her.”
“So, can you understand how she could feel unloved when you stopped helping her with things?” He was nodding yes. I continued. “It was a normal thing for you to follow the model of your mother and father in marriage. Almost all of us tend to do that, but your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared.”
Then I turned to Mary and asked, “What did you hear Mark say when I asked, ‘Why did you do all of those things to help Mary when you were dating?’”
“He said it came naturally to him,” she replied.
“That’s right,” I said, “and he also said that’s what he would want someone to do for him if she loved him. He was doing those things for you and with you because in his mind that’s the way anyone shows love. Once you were married and living in your own house, he had expectations of what you would do if you loved him. You would keep the house clean, you would cook, and so on. In brief, you would do things for him to express your love. When he did not see you doing those things, do you understand why he would feel unloved?” Mary was nodding now too. I continued, “My guess is that the reason you are both so unhappy in your marriage is that neither of you is showing your love by doing things for each other.”
Mary said, “You’re right, and the reason I stopped doing things for him is because I resented his demanding spirit. It was as if he were trying to make me be like his mother.”
“You are right,” I said, “and no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
Mark broke in and said, “She’s right. I was demanding and critical of her because I was disappointed in her as a wife. I know I said some cruel things, and I understand how she could be upset with me.”
“I think things can be turned around rather easily at this juncture,” I said. I pulled two note cards out of my pocket. “Let’s try something. I want each of you to sit on the steps of the church and make a request list. Mark, I want you to list three or four things that if Mary chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house in the afternoon. If making the bed is important to you, then put it down. Mary, I want you to make a list of three or four things that you would really like to have Mark’s help in doing, things that, if he chose to do them, would help you know he loved you.” (I’m big on lists; they force us to think concretely.)
After five to six minutes, they handed me their lists. Mark’s list read:
• Make up the beds every day.
• Have the baby’s face washed when I get home.
• Put her shoes in the closet before I get home.
• Try to have supper at least started before I get home so we could eat within thirty to forty-five minutes after I get home.
I read the list out loud and said to Mark, “I’m understanding you to say that if Mary chooses to do these four things, you will view them as acts of love toward you.”
“That’s right,” he said. “If she did those four things, it would go a long way in changing my attitude toward her.”
Then I read Mary’s list:
• I wish he would wash the car every week instead of expecting me to do it.
• I wish he would change the baby’s diaper after he gets home in the afternoon, especially if I am working on supper.
• I wish he would vacuum the house for me once a week.
• I wish he would mow the grass every week in the summer and not let it get so tall that I am ashamed of our yard.
I said, “Mary, I am understanding you to say that if Mark chooses to do those four things, you would take his actions as genuine expressions of love toward you.”
“I would,” she said. “It would be wonderful if he would do those things for me.”
“Does this list seem reasonable to you, Mark? Is it feasible for you to do these things?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Mary, do the things on Mark’s list seem reasonable and feasible to you? Could you do them if you chose to?”
“Yes,” she said, “I can do those things. In the past, I have felt overwhelmed because no matter what I did, it was never enough.”
I turned to Mark. “Mark, you understand what I am suggesting is a change from the model of marriage that your mother and father had.”
“Oh, my father mowed the grass and washed the car.”
“But he didn’t change the diapers or vacuum the floor, right?”
“Right,” he said.
“You don’t have to do these, you understand? If you do them, however, it will be an act of love to Mary.”
And to Mary I said, “You understand you don’t have to do these things, but if you want to express love for Mark, here are four ways that will be meaningful to him. I want to suggest you try these for two months and see if they help. At the end of two months, you may want to add additional requests to your lists and share them with each other. I would not add more than one request per month, however.”
“This really makes sense,” Mary said. “I think you’ve helped us,” Mark said. They took each other by the hand and walked toward their car. After years of research, I have realized what a unique situation Mark and Mary presented me. Seldom do I meet a couple who both have the same love language. For both Mark and Mary, “acts of service” was their primary love language. Hundreds of individuals can identify with either Mark or Mary and acknowledge that the primary way they feel loved is by acts of service on the part of their spouse. Putting away shoes, changing a baby’s diaper, washing dishes or a car, vacuuming, or mowing speaks volumes to the individual whose primary love language is acts of service.
You may be wondering, If Mark and Mary had the same primary love language, why were they having so much difficulty? The answer lies in the fact that they were speaking different dialects. They were doing things for each other but not the most important things. When they were forced to think concretely, they easily identified their specific dialects. For Mary it was washing the car, changing the baby’s diaper, vacuuming the floor, and mowing the grass, whereas for Mark it was making up the bed, washing the baby’s face, putting the shoes in the closet, and having supper under way when he got home from work. When they started speaking the right dialects, their love tanks began to fill. Since acts of service was their primary love language, learning each other’s specific dialect was relatively easy for them.
Before we leave Mark and Mary, I would like to make three other observations. First, they illustrate clearly that what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the “in love” obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “fell in love.” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires. Only one thing is certain about our behavior: It will not be the same behavior we exhibited when we were caught up in being “in love.”
That leads me to the second truth illustrated by Mark and Mary. Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Mark and Mary were criticizing each other’s behavior and getting nowhere. Once they decided to make requests of each other rather than demands, their marriage began to turn around. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. With enough criticism, you may get acquiescence from your spouse. He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests: “I wish you would wash the car, change the baby’s diaper, mow the grass,” but you cannot create the will to love. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.
There is a third truth, which only the mature lover will be able to hear. My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner. A wife may say to her husband after he gives her a criticism, “It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial?” Criticism often needs clarification. Initiating such a conversation may eventually turn the criticism into a request rather than a demand. Mary’s constant condemnation of Mark’s hunting was not an expression of her hatred for the sport of hunting. She blamed hunting as the thing that kept him from washing the car, vacuuming the house, and mowing the grass. When he learned to meet her need for love by speaking her emotional love language, she became free to support him in his hunting.
“I have served him for twenty years. I have waited on him hand and foot. I have been his doormat while he ignored me, mistreated me, and humiliated me in front of my friends and family. I don’t hate him. I wish him no ill, but I resent him, and I no longer wish to live with him.” That wife has performed acts of service for twenty years, but they have not been expressions of love. They were done out of fear, guilt, and resentment.
A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it, step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover. When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt (“If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me”) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will be sorry”) is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take action. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, “I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.”
Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. These are changing, but models from our past can linger. Mark was doing what most of us do naturally. He was following the role model of his father and mother, but he wasn’t even doing that well. His father washed the car and mowed the grass. Mark did not, but that was the mental image he had of what a husband should do. He definitely did not picture himself vacuuming floors and changing the baby’s diapers. To his credit, he was willing to break from his stereotype when he realized how important it was to Mary. That is necessary for all of us if our spouse’s primary love language asks something of us that seems inappropriate to our role.
Some of us, however, resist doing things that do fall within our stereotypical role. When Scott and Laura married, they were both on their own career paths. Busy with her own job, Laura did not make cooking a priority. When Scott joined the military, they stayed with his parents while he completed Basic Training. “I watched how his mom cooked meals every night for her family,” Laura remembered. “She worked full-time, just like I did, but she really served her family with those meals, and Scott responded so much to them. You could just tell his love tank was being filled by that act of service.” Laura began to understand then that it wasn’t about gender but about showing love in a way her husband appreciated.
Bryant learned the same lesson while trying to express and receive love with his deployed wife, Karen. At first, he showered her with romance—emails, love letters, and care packages—but his efforts were not rewarded. “For months, my frustration grew when words of my undying love were not reciprocated,” Bryant said. “My frustration grew to anger, and before long resentment filled my heart.”
But when Bryant read The 5 Love Languages, he understood he was not filling Karen’s love tank, because her language was not words of affirmation or gifts but acts of service. “She didn’t want to get those care packages on a weekly basis. She didn’t want a couple letters each week or an email every night,” he remembered. “She wanted me to do my job of taking care of the family while she was gone and nothing else really mattered. When I told her about what our kids and I were doing, I saw her love meter rise. By being more financially responsible, I was able to afford more outings with the kids. Pictures on Facebook showing us at the park or zoo or at an activity on our installation—that filled her tank and led her to meet my need through words of affirmation.”
Due to the sociological changes of the past forty years, we no longer cling to certain notions of the male and female role in American society. Yet that does not mean all stereotypes have been eradicated. It means, rather, the number of stereotypes has multiplied. Before the days of widespread media influence, a person’s idea of what a husband or wife should do and how he or she should relate was influenced primarily by one’s own parents. With the pervasiveness of television, increased mobility, growing cultural diversity, and the proliferation of single-parent families, however, role models are often influenced by forces outside the home. Whatever your perceptions, chances are your spouse perceives marital roles somewhat differently than you do. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse.
Recently a wife said to me, “Dr. Chapman, I am going to send all of my friends to your seminar.”
“And why would you do that?” I inquired.
“Because it has radically changed our marriage,” she said. “Before the seminar, Bob never helped me with anything. We both started our careers right after college, but it was always my role to do everything at the house. It was as if it never crossed his mind to help me with anything. After the seminar, he started asking me, ‘What can I do to help you this evening?’ It was amazing. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real, but it has persisted for three years now.
“I’ll have to admit, there were some trying and humorous times in those early weeks because he didn’t know how to do anything. The first time he did the laundry, he used undiluted bleach instead of regular detergent. Our blue towels came out with white polka dots. But he was loving me in my language, and my tank was filling up. Now he knows how to do everything around the house and is always helping me. We have much more time together because I don’t have to work all the time. Believe me, I have learned his language, and I keep his tank full.”
Is it really that simple?
Simple? Yes. Easy? No. Bob had to work hard at tearing down the stereotype with which he had lived for thirty-five years. It didn’t come easily, but he would tell you that learning the primary love language of your spouse and choosing to speak it makes a tremendous difference in the emotional climate of a marriage.
YOUR TURN
Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?
1. Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.
2. Print note cards with the following:
“Today I will show my love for you by …” Complete the sentence with one of the following: picking up the clutter, paying the bills, fixing something that’s been broken a long time, weeding the garden. (Bonus points if it’s a chore that’s been put off.)
Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.
3. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to prioritize those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.)
4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting “Surprise! We love you!” Then share your act of service.
5. What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it’s worth more than a thousand roses.
6. If your requests to your mate come across as nags or putdowns, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, “The yard always looks so nice, and I really appreciate your work. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Julie and Ben come over for dinner.” Your husband might even respond: “Where’s the lawn mower, I can’t wait!” Try it and see.
7. Perform a major act of service like organizing the home office, and then post a sign that reads, “To (spouse’s name) with love,” and sign your name.
8. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service you know your spouse would like for you to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home.
9. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service that would really speak love to him or her. Seek to work these into your daily schedule. “Little things” really do mean a lot.
During deployments, service members should keep in mind that spouses on the home front are doing acts of service for them daily by managing the home front solo. Spouses on the home front would do well to remember their service members are also serving them (and others) in their line of duty. However, if this is your spouse’s primary love language, going the extra mile to personalize the service will reap big rewards for your marriage.
1. To avoid needless frustration on the home front, be sure spouses have the necessary powers of attorney to manage affairs in the service member’s absence. (Note that there are special powers of attorney in addition to general power of attorney.)
2. Service member, make sure your property or vehicles are in good working condition before you leave in order to make life easier while you are gone.
3. Home front spouse, connect with your in-laws and ask them to share recipes that were meaningful to them when your spouse was growing up. Make up a family recipe book and tell him about it.
4. Home front spouse, create a special place where your service member can relax after returning home. If he is a hunter, create a lodge atmosphere with fishing and hunting items, magazines, etc. If she loves reading, create a reading corner with a comfy chair, good light, and well-filled bookcase.
5. Set up a goal list for the house. Send before and after pictures to the service member so he or she can see your progress.
6. Service member, arrange for the lawn to be cared for, the bills to paid, etc., in your absence. Make sure the home front spouse has a list of numbers she can call when any need arises.
7. Service member, surprise the spouse at home with some maid service, or arrange child care through a mutual friend so the home front spouse can get out.
8. Home front spouse, instead of saving up a honey-do list for your service member, take care of things as they arise the best you can.
9. Service member, if your spouse is ill, email friends near your home and alert them. Ask your church to bring meals to your home or make a run to the pharmacy.
10. Service member, record yourself reading stories to your children. This will not only be a service to your spouse, who can sit back and let you “take over” during part of the bedtime routine, but it will keep you present in your children’s daily lives.