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Oh god, he knows. He figured it out even though Jenna swore he’d never be able to tell. Not only did he see Elli hearts Jagger in my closet but now he knows that the silver swirls on my fingernails are initials. At least he doesn’t know that the J is for me, for Janelle, and not for Jagger. I’m 90% sure he doesn’t know that Elli’s a nickname so he can’t know. I’m not sure I’d live through that.
I do the only thing I can think of and push him onto the bed where I immediately crawl on top. He’s trying to hide that he’s liking this as much as he is. Pretty sure I know a boner when I feel one. I wasn’t in the hall with him when it all started so I hope that it’s because of me and not some old hookup he was thinking about while killing time. I don’t know how long it will take for me to truly know if he’s into me or if this is some kind of weird experiment where I’m his test subject. I press my lips harder to his, trying to push it from my head.
Without a second thought I find myself initiating my tongue into his mouth. I don’t know what I’m doing but with him it feels natural. I don’t second guess myself and that is a small miracle for me. Okay, a huge one.
As things start to heat up he rolls us over, pinning me to the bed. My whole body goes from freezing cold to drenched in sweat. Wow, he really knows what he’s doing. It makes me want to get this whole thing over with and just take my clothes off already. What is he going to say? Or is he going to continue until I tell him to stop? I don’t want him to, not at all. He looks so happy, like I’m making his dreams come true and I know he is mine. I could never imagine this with anyone else, it has to be Jagger. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this mess and I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.
When he pulls down the zipper on my sweatshirt I don’t stop him even though I’m instantly covered in goosebumps as I shrug out of it. In my mind I’m shivering but I will my body not to follow my brain’s lead. I tuck my knees close to his body to make sure he can’t misread the signals and stays where I need him to. His warm hands on my stomach feel amazing and the tiny kisses he plants by my belly button are even better. It’s so innocent that I’m not uncomfortable in the least. I thought I’d feel weird with him looking at me like that but I’m not vulnerable or scared.
He feels so good on top of me that I feel like nothing bad could happen, like my mother isn’t the biggest trainwreck on the planet. I’ve vowed not to become like her, never to live for the nights when you take a random guy home only to have no recollection in the morning. She must think that we’re doing something we’re not but I get the sickening feeling she’d be proud of me.
I can’t believe Jagger pretended that he didn’t want to leave after he saw her on the lawn. Not only was she passed out but she was half naked, if you can call anything she wears fully clothed. I’m pretty sure he’s seen more of her body than he has mine, even at this point. She was so drunk that she didn’t know who was helping her into the house, she’ll never remember meeting him. It was so embarrassing but he’s acting like it never happened and I’m grateful. Even when she barfed halfway to the house he didn’t flinch, like it was something he saw every day. Thank god the house wasn’t a total disaster or I would have died of embarrassment.
“Mmmm,” he moans as he gently bites down on my neck. Is it supposed to feel this good? I can’t stop my hands from wandering under his tank top, the white cotton clinging to his chest perfectly but making me wish it wasn’t there. He reads my mind. No sooner are the thoughts through my brain than he tugs the shirt from his body. Oh god, I think about groaning out loud. Even though I’ve already seen it I’m sure it’s better than it was before. He just looks so soft and warm and I want to put my skin against his until both of us forget our own names.
I wrap my arms around him so tight that I can barely breathe, it’s like he’s wearing me as a sweater. “I know I’m not just a notch to you,” I whisper and it only turns up the intensity of his kisses. He really doesn’t say anything and I partially wonder if he heard me.
When he finally pulls away, the look in his eyes has my stomach dancing. He helps me sit up and even though he’s still kissing me it’s lighter now, almost like he’s trying to get me to stop. I don’t want it to be over, not yet, but he’s got other plans. He pulls my sweatshirt around me before pulling me close to him. He’s sitting in the corner with his back to the wall, letting his hands linger in my hair as I lean on him. Even though his body is telling him to continue he doesn’t kiss me anymore. He doesn’t pretend, it just feels like he’s trying to tell me that he doesn’t want me to do anything I don’t want to. Right now I’d do just about anything he asked me to.
I feel so safe and weirdly, loved. There’s almost this unspoken bond between us and I don’t want to break it by pushing him farther. I could just stand up, strip off my clothes and climb under the covers with him but I can’t bring myself to. It wouldn’t be right. Instead, I close my eyes and listen to the sound of his heart beating, feel his warm breath on my neck. I can still feel the kisses he planted there, not tiny little pecks but giant, I need you now smooches that practically made my clothes jump off on their own. They linger, for the rest of my life those kisses will be there to remind me of the day that I knew I fell in love.
It doesn’t take long to fall asleep right here in Jagger’s arms and I wonder if he does the same. Normally I’d be too on edge to sleep but it’s so cozy here that I feel like nothing could hurt me, and right now it can’t. So what if my mother is sleeping off yet another night of hard partying or that Jonah, Jenna and practically everyone else in the world think Jagger’s not the one for me. I don’t care what anyone says, he’s different with me. I don’t doubt it for a second.
“Let’s get out of here. Go see a movie or something,” he asserts.
“I can’t. I have to be here... with her.” I can’t bring myself to say my mom, it’s just her. It breaks my heart to tell him because more than anything I want to wake up next to him again. Five seconds ago wasn’t enough, I need to spend the whole night in his arms.
He wants to say something but he doesn’t know how to put it because no one ever does. They don’t understand why I deal with Karynn’s antics when I could just as easily avoid her. I’m not capable of that. She’s my mother and on some level I know we were meant to have a connection, we used to before Dad left when I was 13. Why can’t things go back to the way they were then when she could keep a job longer than two months at a time, when a glass of wine at dinner was enough to make her tipsy? I miss that. I miss my family.
“You know I want to but I can’t. She likes to try and cook when she’s drunk. She falls asleep with the stove on.”
He looks horrified.
“I kinda want to come home to some of my stuff, not a charred mess.” I try to make light of the situation but I don’t know if he’s buying it. Why would he? I don’t.
“If you change your mind call me, I’ll come get you.”
I know what that means, it means he’s leaving. It doesn’t matter that it’s only 6:30 and the day hasn’t even started, no one can understand my decision so why should he? I make it easier on him by climbing out of his lap, resting my head on the wall behind my pillows.
Solemnly, I give him a hug and lay back down with my eyes closed. He knows I’m upset, he’s not stupid, but he doesn’t know what to say to make me feel better. There’s nothing he can say and even though I understand why he wants to leave, it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
“Wanna walk me out?”
I shake my head. “I can’t, I’ll just jump in the car and go with you.”
He smiles sweetly before kissing me on the forehead. “I know.”