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I can’t believe I just left her there. What was I thinking? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done and I know it. I didn’t leave because her mom is passed out in the other room, I left because I want it so bad I can still taste her on my lips. I know she knows I’m not just after sex but I’m not 100% sure that’s true. I don’t know, I’m so confused. I’ve never felt like this before so how can I trust that I know what I’m feeling? Elli deserves someone who knows what he wants. That much I know for sure.
The last time I kissed her I almost didn’t stop. I can’t think when her hands are on me, when her mouth is on my neck and her long legs wrap around my back. I want to take off all her clothes and fuck her like it’s my job. But I can’t.
I think I love her. I think I’m in love with the most perfect girl I’ve ever met. It’s too strong to ignore and I’m scared as hell. How is this even possible? I knew it was gonna happen the minute I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I thought it would go away after we hung out a couple times. But I’m falling faster than I knew was possible. Now I’m in so deep I don’t think I can swim my way out. She proved me wrong, she’s definitely not like other girls.
I screech the tires when I pull into my driveway. I don’t bother cutting the engine just to run inside. I can’t stay. I’ve gotta be with her and if it has to be at her place that’s where I have to be. I just have to control myself, I respect her too much. Even though I’m sure I could take advantage of the situation, I’m not going to. Not until I know for sure what I’m feeling.
I’ve never done this before and I didn’t think I’d ever want to. I have to wake up next to her and brush the hair out of her face after sleeping with her in my arms all night. I throw a quick change of clothes into my practice bag, something to wear to bed and my toothbrush. I swear I’m out of the house in less than a minute.
I can still see the look on her face when I walked out and I’m about ready to punch something. What’s wrong with me? It’s not her or her mother, it’s me. I’m so scared of my own feelings that I’m going to fuck up the only good thing I ever had going.
I wanted her so bad it physically hurt and there was no way to hide it. I had to stop. I just wanted to make her forget that her mom’s a waste of space that doesn’t deserve a daughter as amazing as the one she has. I could have held her all night, not that it stopped me from thinking about undressing her.
But I’m over it. I had time to cool down and get my priorities in line. I don’t want to sleep with her because, to me, that signals the end of something. I can’t do that to her. This isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. I want to take her out and show her off and prove to all the guys who never gave her a second glance that she’s a catch. And prove the same thing to her.
She means everything to me but no one understands that. No one can believe I want to be monogamous. Elli’s so far beyond worth it that they should all get why this time is different. I know I’m going to screw it up. I’m going to break her heart whether I want to or not. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, maybe I should let her go before it comes to that. My head is spinning and I feel like I’m gonna puke. Yet I keep driving.
Being with Elli is more exciting than any hookup could ever be. I know she wants it, she hearts me, remember? The signs are all there, the scribbling on her nails, the fact that she’d let me do anything to her body if it meant I wouldn’t leave her, the blush that seems to fade quicker now that I know her. Now that I love her?
I think I knew all along that she’d be different. She’s irresistible and I know the second I lay my eyes on her my previous thoughts are going to fly right out of my head. I’ll be dying to do all the things I’ve wanted to do since that first day on the baseball field. After an hour of holding her while she slept I still couldn’t get the thought of fucking her brains out, out of my head. Only, I won’t. I know I won’t. I can’t.
My car idles in her packed driveway with the lights off like some kind of stalker. My thoughts go back and forth. Can I control myself? Do I deserve someone like Elli? And more importantly does she deserve someone like me? The more I let myself think about it the more I know that the right thing to do is walk away while I still can. Elli deserves better. She needs better. Still, I get out of the car.
I don’t knock on the door, just walk right in and find half the town in her living room. I know some of these people and they’re not people I want around Elli. Her mother, who wasn’t able to stand a few hours ago, is currently dancing on the coffee table half naked as people have sex on the couch behind her. There are empty bottles everywhere and the whole house smells like weed. There’s a thick cloud rolling out of the bathroom and people passed out in the kitchen. The woman at the sink is topless and I swear I see her shove a whole fistful of pills in her mouth before she starts drinking straight from the faucet. I pull my eyes away quickly. As much as I want to see Elli I really hope she’s not here to witness this. I hope she got a ride to Jenna’s and is painting her nails in Jenna’s bedroom right now, or whatever it is chicks do for fun. Singing karaoke into a damn hairbrush, not listening to her mom’s friends deepthroat dicks in the living room. Being on the other side for once, the sober side, this is fucking appalling. I can’t believe I do this.
I run to her room, knocking over a guy who’s barely covered his junk from the blowie he just got in the hallway outside Elli’s bedroom.
Her door is locked. Thank god. She must not be here. She must have locked it before she left.
The song fades out in the living room just long enough for me to hear the sounds of heavy metal blasting from her speakers. Meaning she’s on the other side of the door from the bullshit happening in the rest of her house.
I knock louder this time.
She doesn’t answer but the music turns down just enough for me to be able to tell that she lowered it.
I knock again. I try to make it sound like a friendly knock but I don’t know how these things work. I just hope she’ll be happy to see me and not slam the door in my face.
“Go away,” she yells, not bothering to turn the music down any more than she already did.
My heart is thundering off my ribcage. Does she not want to see me? I can’t blame her after I just left without explanation.
“Elli?” For once in my life I think I’m too quiet for her to hear.
“I told you already, I’m not interested. Go away.” She pulls the door open, hammer in hand and starts yelling before it’s even fully open. “Go away.”
I think this is when she realizes it’s me and the hammer goes crashing to the floor, lost under the sound of her music. She jumps in my arms. Okay, so she is happy to see me. At least I think that’s what this is.
“I thought you were someone else.”
“I was. But I’m not him anymore.”
She doesn’t know that and that’s not what she means. She thought I was some random dude trying to get in her room. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. This isn’t how she should be living. She shouldn’t need an arsenal of home improvement tools for protection in her own bedroom.
“I’m not taking no for an answer, I need to be here with you.” It’s like I found the perfect thing to say on the spot but I’ve been practicing for almost an hour. I didn’t know how right I would be.
She’s been silent for a while and I can’t stand seeing her like this. I feel horrible that I left in the first place. None of this would have happened if I’d been a man and told her what was going on instead of running away from it. Instead of telling her that I wanted more than anything to sleep with her but knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do, I ran away. I didn’t know the right words to say so I didn’t bother trying to come up with them. I won’t make that mistake again. I’d rather get hurt than hurt her.
I just hold her a little closer and kiss the top of her head. I’m desperately trying to find something that will make her feel better. I’ve never been on this side of the situation before, I don’t know what to do. I’m usually the one hurting people, hurting girls. I don’t know what it’s like to be the one holding all the cards that could make it better, even just for a second. I know somewhere inside of me there’s the exact thing to say that would make all this go away. Just tell her how you’re feeling, dumbass. Just tell her you want to make it official. You do. Why not tell her that?
But I know I can’t. It’s too soon. Besides, I’ve gotten to know her a lot over the past few days and I know she wouldn’t believe me if I said that right now. She’d just think I was saying it to make her feel better and in a way I would be. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mean it though. But I have to do something, say something, spill my guts, put myself on the line like I’ve never wanted to do with another girl before. Elli deserves it. She deserves me being truthful and honest and opening up to her in a way I never thought I was capable of. I wouldn’t do it for anyone but her.
“Are you okay? Nothing happened while I was gone?”
“I’m fine,” she lies. I know what this is and I’m not falling for it. She might not know that she’s testing me but I’m still going to ace it anyway.
“And I’m still staying.” I put my bag on her bed, finally letting go of it after at least 10 minutes of clutching it like Brewski with the last sips of Crown Royal. If I don’t hold on to something I’m going to beat the guy who made her feel the need to arm herself with a hammer.
“You can’t...”
“I am. You can’t be here alone with...this,” I say picking up the metal hammer, turning the music down so she can actually hear me.
“Jagger, I know you. I see the way you’re looking right now. If you stay here the cops are going to be called or my mom and her lowlife friends will be keeping the hospital emergency room busy for the night. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. “Then I’ll take you to my place. We’ll lock your door, unplug the stove, check the smoke detectors.”
I see the look on her face and it breaks my fucking heart.
“Jenna’s house then.” Only because I know how uncomfortable she is at my place. She has to get over that. Mom doesn’t care and fuck her if she does. Elli’s a better influence on me than my mother could ever dream of.
She’s packing a bag and I can’t help but grin. I feel like I’m doing something good for someone for once. She can’t be here, that’s for damn sure, not with guys knocking on her door for god knows what. If I hadn’t left her here they wouldn’t have had the opportunity. I need to make it right.
“I want you to be my girlfriend,” I blurt out and she freezes, back to me, underwear in her hand as she’s going for her suitcase. It’s me, I should be checking for skimpiness, color, fabric, wondering what she’d look like in them but I’m desperately holding on for her answer. I need to forget everything but the two of us. I need to focus. I can’t think about how much better off she’d be with someone like Eric. Or how easily I could screw this all up like I almost did.
This girl could not be more amazing. I don’t deserve her. Everyone else was right, Elli should have listened to them. The only way I won’t ruin her life forever is if I walk away right now. But I’m not selfless enough to do that for her at the expense of my own happiness. I need her in my life. I need her to be my girlfriend.
She sprints across the room and slams her mouth against mine. She’s kissing me so hard I fall back onto her bed, picking up where we left off over an hour ago. Is that a yes? I’m taking it as a yes. And I’m dying to tell everybody I know that Elli Matthews is my girl.