“Incompetence runs wild, like hedgehogs,” I told Lucas.
“Hedgehogs?” Lucas asked.
“I know, I am now picturing little hedgehog armies attacking hamster villages to loot and pillage. I had something better to insert, but suddenly could not think of it and hedgehog just popped out.”
“Thanks, now I’m picturing hedgehog armies attacking villages filled with hamsters. I have never even seen a live hedgehog.”
“Me either,” I admitted. “So why are we attempting another barbecue?”
Lucas and I were meat shopping. I did not understand why Gabriel insisted on having get togethers. We worked together. We saw each other all the time. We all lived on the same street even. However, my complaints about incompetence had nothing to do with Gabriel or barbecues, and everything to do with people not being able to park.
“Because it is important for us to do things together that do not include blood and gore.”
“So, I should not ask for my steak to be cooked rare?” I raised an eyebrow.
“That’s not the same,” Lucas said.
“Blood is blood, whether from human or cow.”
“Stop being obstinate. Have your mooing steak; it will be fine.”
“What are we supposed to get besides a million steaks?” I asked. There had been a list at some point, but I had no idea what had happened to it.
“It’s not a million steaks, it’s twelve. Instead of picking an argument, pick out your steak.” Lucas pointed at the butcher’s cabinet. “Oh, that’s the problem. You’re cranky that the VCU is going to be there.”
“Shut up and pick out some steaks.” I pointed at the cabinet.
I was indeed cranky that the members of the VCU were going to be there. My life was compartmentalized. While the VCU was work, Malachi was personal, so ne’er the twain shall meet in my opinion. This was impossible, to be sure, since we both worked for the federal government chasing serial killers. However, since I had become a US Marshal, we had not really hung out. When we did, I tasered him, mostly because he was a jackass, but some part of me just enjoyed it. A lot.
There was serious doubt that any of my teammates were going to let me Taser Malachi during a barbecue. Unless he did something incredibly stupid, like propose marriage again, then they might let me.
“What do you think?” Lucas asked.
“What?” I blinked at him a few times.
“I love it when you are riveted by my every word. For Xavier’s girl, what do you think? Should we go with a KC Strip or a Porterhouse?”
“I thought she was a vegetarian.” I frowned.
“Oh, I…” Lucas paused, “…I don’t honestly know. I’ll get her a strip and a veggie burger or something.”
“Like Gabriel will let you taint his precious grill with a veggie burger.”
There were staples at Gabriel’s barbecues: steaks, corn on the cob, and portabella mushroom tops seasoned and filled with cheese and a dab of butter. These three items cooked on the grill. Everyone was responsible for bringing a side dish. I grabbed a Porterhouse for Malachi, a T-Bone for my mother, and a good-looking New York Strip for myself.
“You live in Kansas City, so get a KC Strip,” Lucas teased.
“I am really hungry,” I answered. We finished our search for steaks to toss on the grill and moved on. I filled the cart with different kinds of potato chips.
“Old Fashioned Potato Salad or Mustard Potato Salad?” Lucas asked.
“Coleslaw,” I answered.
“I don’t remember that being a choice.”
“I do not know why you would ask my opinion on potato salad.” I reached around him and grabbed a container of pre-made coleslaw. I also grabbed a container of white potato salad instead of yellow. We grabbed stuff for a regular salad, an apple pie, a German Chocolate cake, a Chocolate Silk pie and assorted cupcakes. I was not sure why we needed all the desserts, but like the potato salad, I was probably the only one that did not know why we needed it.
The cashier gave us a funny look as she rang up our cart full of crap. The thing was nearly overflowing with food, beer, soda, and tea. We had gotten stuff to make homemade ice cream, and strawberry or mango peach margaritas. I had to work really hard not to let my mouth fall open when the cashier gave us the total.
The price of food bought at a grocery store often shocked me. Left to my own devices, I lived on spaghetti, popcorn, and take-out. It was actually cheaper for me to eat this way, although it was not always healthy. Buying real food always reminded me of how expensive the world was to live in.
We had stopped doing potluck and instead just taken up a collection for sides. No one was ever sure of anything that came out of Xavier’s kitchen. For a doctor, he was a slob. The only time he was sterile was when he was working, although honestly, Xavier was a slob by all standards.
Nyleena was on vacation this week. My normal leash holder would not be around. I did not do well with new people. The only new person would be Xavier’s girlfriend, but that was enough.
“Did we get food for the new one?”
“If you mean Wendy, the answer is yes,” Lucas said.
“Wendy? As in the fast food chain?”
“I don’t believe they are related. They just happen to have the same first name.”
“It works. Xavier is a little bit like Peter Pan.”
“How? He doesn’t fly. He grew up. He doesn’t use fairy dust. So, tell me how Xavier is like Peter Pan?”
“They are both brain damaged.” I shrugged.
“I’m not going to ask. I have a feeling this is a lot like the hedgehogs from earlier.”
“Oh, come on, he flew around and fought with swords. He had to have lots of head injuries. Besides, what boy does not want to grow up? Obviously, he was brain damaged.”
“Ace, I love you. Please stop talking.”
“Deep down, you know I am right.” I put the cart away. We both climbed into my car. It roared to life, making enough noise to wake the dead. It had recently gotten a tune-up and sounded like a monster. I still was not sure about the new muffler. It seemed to get a lot of attention. This was not the car for someone trying to keep a low profile to begin with, and the muffler was not making it any easier.
Neither was the stereo system that had recently become possessed. The volume turned itself up and down. That was the original reason it had gone to the shop. They had talked me into a new muffler, a complete service, and new tires. The stereo was currently blaring Das Letzte Streichholz by Oomph! Lucas attempted to turn it down and it stayed that way until I pulled out of the parking lot, at which point, the stereo turned itself all the way back up.
“I thought you were getting this fixed?” Lucas shouted over the music.
“I did,” I shouted back.
“Can’t tell,” Lucas shouted as the volume turned itself all the way down.
“See, fixed.” I shrugged.
“Yes, I was missing the sound of the muffler for a moment,” Lucas rolled his eyes. “You realize you got hosed, right?”
“Big time.” I turned another corner. The radio stayed blissfully quiet while we drove back to Gabriel’s house.
I put on my best happy face, which looked a lot like a frown and steeled myself. Caleb Green was going to be there. I really liked Caleb. He was a nice guy who controlled Malachi exceptionally well. Unfortunately, I was beginning to suspect that Caleb had an interest in me. That was going to make our relationship complicated. Most men did not understand what asexual meant.
Wendy Davidson was a tall brunette with big blue eyes, long legs, perfect teeth, and breasts the size of watermelons. She was smart enough to keep up with the conversation, which was better than most of Xavier’s girlfriends. However, it was obvious that Xavier had no interest in her brainpower.
It was also obvious that Wendy was not very interested in Xavier’s brainpower, his personality, or his looks. This left two things. She was interested in getting in with a cop, we had groupies just like serial killers, or she was interested in the short life span and nice fat benefit package.
My mother sat between Malachi and Caleb Green. She liked both men and it kept her from looking at my plate. I had to admit, nobody in the group ate their steaks as rare as I did. I wanted it hot all the way through, but red, not pink. It was enough that I had to put all my other food on a different plate because I did not like the blood mixing with things like salad and rolls.
Fiona sat closest to me. I had to admit I was wrong. When I had first met the sage burning pagan, I had pegged her as a vegetarian, possibly a vegan. She was the only one that ordered her steak medium rare. It did not moo like mine, but it was close. In addition, she had requested a porterhouse, not a steak for the gentle hearted female vegetarian. I had scolded myself for buying into stupid stereotypes when she had ordered a cheeseburger the first time I ate with her.
She still was not my favorite person, but she was growing on me, like mold. Fiona was a hell of a lot better than Wendy, who had ordered her steak burned to a crisp and wiggled when she spoke. I wanted to show her where the bathroom was.
My mother carefully prodded Malachi. For a moment, a look crossed his face, and then it was gone. He took his elbows off the table. Green followed suit and suddenly, we were all very aware of our elbows, napkins, and silverware.
Overall, the food was good, the barbecue went over well and I managed to avoid Wendy. I now sat in a bag chair. My mother sat next to me, with a Pina colada in her hands. She kept commenting about how she could not taste the rum. This was due to Trevor’s skills at whipping up drinks. My mother was going to stagger home if she drank too many of his Pina coladas. Even I had an alcoholic beverage; something called a mojito. It tasted of cherries and mint.
Gabriel and Malachi both pulled chairs up to my mother and me. I had an ashtray on a small table between the two of us. It was this that the guys coveted more than our company.
“Groupie or gold-digger?” My mom asked Malachi quietly. I had learned long ago that my mother was a woman who spoke her mind. She had to be to deal with my father’s family.
“Gold-digger,” Malachi answered, sipping a margarita. The smell of the tequila was strong. I wondered how much extra Malachi had requested.
“Totally,” Gabriel agreed.
“Maybe if you all blow smoke at her, she’ll instantly die from suffocation,” Fiona offered.
“I think we would need a few more smokers,” I told Fiona.
“I’m willing to light up for the cause,” Fiona smiled at me. I could not help but smile back.