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ANNIE

Dear Lexie,

I have been agonizing over how I could possibly give my daughter the life that she deserves. I have such high hopes for that beautiful girl. I want her to have the life that we would have had if Dad hadn’t died, and I just realized today that I can’t do that. At least, not right now.

But you and Sam can. I came to your house today—I know you will be mad about that, and I’m really sorry, but I just wanted to see her so badly. At my core, Lexie, I’m a selfish, impulsive person. I wanted her, and I went to her, even though I knew it was the wrong thing to do.

But I’m glad I went, because I saw you two through the window and I saw the love you have for my daughter. It was written all over your faces, plain as day. That’s when I knew what I had to do.

At the moment, I’m not a good mother for Daisy—but I want to be, and I think I can be. I’m going to go to the police station this afternoon after I mail this and I’m going to plead guilty when my case goes to court. It’s the responsible thing to do—the honest thing. It’s hard, and somehow I have to find the courage to silence the voice inside that’s trying to convince me to keep running...but I’m going to find a way to do it.

I know that our lives have been one huge mess, Lex. I know that I have brought you so much pain over all these years. You have been a wonderful sister—a wonderful mother to me in so many ways, and I’m only sorry that I haven’t been able to repay you by being someone better than I have been.

That’s why I’m sending you this journal today. I want you to read this, and I want to talk to you about it—all of it. These truths are my apology to you and a token of my gratitude. You have been so faithful to me—so patient with me. The only thing I can do in return is show you how determined I am to do better. I hope these words are proof of that.

I live my life in the past, in my pain and my rage and my hate. But I have to take responsibility for every aspect of where I am now, and one way I can do that is to take a risk and expose the dark parts of my history. I promise you, Lexie. I’m finally ready to work toward healing and wholeness.

So—this is goodbye, but only for now. Please don’t bring Daisy to visit me in prison, and I promise you I won’t come to you when I get out—not until I’m standing on my own two feet in a home I can be proud of and with a job that I can use to support myself and to start to pay you back.

You should plan to have Daisy for a long time, Lexie—I’m so sorry for the burden. She is a very lucky girl, and I know you’ll take better care of her than I can. She will know you as her mother, and she will probably call you Mom—I’m okay with that, she needs a mom. I have no intention of disrupting the life that you and Sam make for her, not unless the day comes when you and she both want to incorporate me into it.

Please know that I appreciate you. Please know that I love you. Please know that your patient love for me all of these years has been the one thing that has kept me going, and now I know it will nurture my precious baby.

And Lexie—please always tell Daisy that even if I’m not there with her yet, I love her more than anything else in this world.

Love always,

Annie.