Chapter Twenty-Nine

Zach walked Andrew to the door, more to slam it behind him than anything else. He pressed his head to the cool wood for a second and then straightened up, turning toward the kitchen. Stella stood in the hall between the living room and the door. His hands reached out, and she stepped back. It was like she’d kicked him the heart.

“You should go.” Her tone was eerily calm. It made his blood cool and his heart pound.

“Stella, please. We need to talk,” he said, unable to keep his own voice steady.

“The time for talking would have been when you couldn’t get the money. When you gave me the check. Before we’d slept together. After we’d slept together. Basically, any time before your friend showed up on my doorstep looking for you.”

Her doorstep. Her home. Her business. He’d worked so fucking hard to work his way in, and he’d wrecked it all by doing the one thing he shouldn’t have—withholding information.

“I should have. You’re right. But I wanted to fix it.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, and he saw her shiver. He wanted—needed—to pull her into his arms but he’d lost that right.

“It wasn’t broken. Until you.”

She turned her back on him and walked to the living room. The dogs were sleeping by the fireplace. They were so used to his presence, they’d didn’t stir.

“That’s not entirely true,” he said. He didn’t want her calm facade. He deserved to be yelled at. He deserved her anger. He’d expected it. The aloof shield was worse.

She didn’t turn until she’d walked to the window. Putting distance between them, he’d bet. Physically, emotionally. She was right fucking there, and he already missed her.

Her gaze was quiet like the air between them. He hated it. Even when she had been adamant about not letting him in, there’d been a spark in her eyes. Now, they were empty. You did that.

“I was surviving. I would have figured it out.”

“You were drowning.”

She scowled, and his heart lurched. He’d take any show of emotion he could get from her right now.

“Maybe so, but I was doing it on my own terms.”

He wasn’t arguing semantics with her, especially since he knew he was dead wrong. Taking a couple steps toward her, he stopped in the center of the floor when she backed up so she was touching the wall. Breathing through his nose, he told himself she had the right to be hurt. To not want him close.

“I’m sorry, Stella. I was wrong, and I will fix this. The money isn’t linked to you in any way. I won’t have anything to do with Andrew again. I feel like an idiot for taking the money. Andrew has been like a dad to me. More than just a boss or a teacher. He was a mentor and someone I trusted. At the time, I was happy that he considered me worth the risk.”

A flash of pain came and went in her gaze. “Funny, I thought you were, too.”

He swallowed down the groan of pain her words caused. “Stella, I should have said something. I was wrong. People make mistakes. But we can get past this. Being here with you, not just in the clinic or in your home, but with you, is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do anything to make this right.”

Her shoulders stiffened, and she pressed off the wall. “You can’t. You can’t make it right.” She was back to that emotionless tone that felt like shards of glass raking over his skin. “You know how I feel about people keeping things from me. You knew how I felt about accepting help, big business, outsiders taking part in my father’s legacy. You knew all of that. And you still held out. Even today, you could have come clean, but you didn’t.”

Panic ramped up his pulse like he was back in the army running drills. “I was scared you’d shut me out like you’re doing right now. You’re not exactly easy to get close to, Stella. Chipping away at your shell is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You’re right, I should have told you. I knew it the whole time and especially today, but every single day I’ve been with you, all I could think was how much more I want with you. And I was terrified of ruining this, what we have.”

Ignoring her obvious body language, he stepped closer and put his hands on her shoulders. “I was scared because I’m crazy about you.”

Her lips quivered, and it broke his fucking heart. Because it was his fault. “At least Steven didn’t know.”

Like she’d given him a gut shot, he dropped his hands and curled his shoulders. “What?” His voice was thick.

“I never opened up to anyone the way I did to you. Not even Megan or Taylor, and they’re my closest friends. I never told anyone else about my dad’s heart condition. I didn’t think I had anything left to give after Steven. I felt stupid and naïve. I planned to marry him and still, I never let him in the way I did you. I never let him know me the way you do. Did. The money doesn’t matter anymore because, as you said, it’ll be cleared up soon enough and our names aren’t attached. Though, I wonder why, if you can suddenly get that money, you didn’t just ask me for more time rather than give me someone else’s money. I’ll refund your investment. I want you to go.”

“You can’t afford to return the money, and I don’t fucking want it. I want this, Stella. Us.” He knew how to fight but he was losing. She was building up her wall, one metaphorical brick at a time right in front of him.

“There is no us.”

He slammed his fingers into his hair and turned, paced the room. When he looked at her again, his stomach flipped. He’d waited his whole fucking life to feel like he belonged. And he’d found it. Not in a place, but in her. And he’d wrecked it.

“Don’t throw things away like this. Fight for us, dammit. I know you care about me. Don’t use this as an excuse to shut me out. I fucked up. We can get past it. Please.”

She crossed her arms, gripping her elbows. Breath unsteady, she looked down. “Don’t make this harder.”

He stalked toward her, but she didn’t lift her head. He wanted to shake her, hug her, kiss her. “Don’t throw this away. I’m begging you.”

When she looked up, tears shone in her eyes. “I can’t trust you. At the end of the day, you made the decision that suited you best. I’ve already been in a relationship like that. It’s not what I want. When you lo—care about someone, truly care, you put their wants and needs ahead of your own. You had the chance to do that more than once and you didn’t.”

His throat felt thick and he had to fight the urge to yank her against him. “Stella.”

“Go. I’m asking you to go. You can come for your things another time, but I can’t…I can’t be around you right now.”

She turned, snapped her fingers which alerted the dogs, and they followed her into her bedroom. She shut the door. Zach stared after her, his heart in his throat. As he left the house—because what choice did he have—he realized there was something worse than never belonging anywhere. Worse than losing his friend to an accident. Accidents happened. Loss happened. People dealt with it every day. But to have it all, everything he’d wanted in his grasp, and have it stripped away by his own idiocy, by his own hand, was a pain he’d never known.

…

Zach hadn’t felt this level of internal crazy since the day of Travis’s funeral. That day, he’d moved and breathed and functioned by rote. Socks. Pants. Shirt. Tie. Get in the car. Attend the service. Breathe in. Breathe out. His mom hadn’t asked questions when he’d shown up. She and Shane had been watching a movie. He’d said he needed a place to sleep and gone to bed. But he could hear them moving around the house.

And you’re hiding in your old bedroom like a fucking wimp. No. He was pulling his thoughts together, trying to figure out how he was going to fix this. I can’t trust you. Those words were etched into his brain and just thinking them made his fingers clench.

“I’m damn well going to prove you can,” he whispered, pushing off the way-too-small-for-him twin bed.

Walking into the kitchen, he grunted hello and went for the coffee. He’d poured a mug and leaned against the counter before he looked at them.

“I take it things didn’t go as planned?” His mother asked as she glanced over from the table where she had the newspaper spread out in front of her.

Shane leaned back in his seat, one foot resting on his other knee. He said nothing, but Zach felt the quiet assessment.

“Nope.”

His mother’s face showed disappointment. Perfect. One more female he’d let down. Chuck wandered in, happily trotting over to Zach, who set his coffee down to give him a good rub.

It was stupid, but last night, when Nacho and Soda had immediately gone to Stella, it was one more kick in the teeth. Those dogs loved him. But when they’d had to choose… Yeah, like you wouldn’t have chosen her, too. “You’re a happy, boy.” Chuck lay down and rolled so he was belly up.

“More than you,” his mother muttered.

“Sheila,” Shane said. The tone, the quiet warning, felt like he was taking Zach’s back.

His mom bristled. “What? Half his problem is keeping everything in. Must be a guy thing. Stubborn, macho stupidity syndrome. I think you can die from that.”

Shane cracked a smile and Zach couldn’t help it; he laughed. “Not sure it’s an actual thing, Mom.”

She folded the paper together. “Oh, trust me, honey. It is. Life is too short to waste it harboring everything inside. Did you tell her how you feel?”

She didn’t let him answer. “Of course you didn’t. Probably didn’t want to put yourself out there or whatever stupid phrase kids use these days. She can’t read your damn mind.” Rising from her seat, she shook her head at him, disappointment in her gaze, and walked past him.

He fucking hated disappointing her. Disappointing himself wasn’t a whole lot of fun either. He couldn’t even think of the way he’d let Stella down. Chuck followed after his mom. Damn dogs knew who to side with.

“We aren’t talkers, that’s all. Women don’t get that,” Shane said, picking up his coffee.

Zach didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t wrong since not talking to Stella was part of what got him into this mess.

“We’re doers.” Shane set his cup down and stood up. He was almost the same height as Zach, and though he had twenty years on him, in pretty damn good shape.

“That a thing?”

“It is. So, you fucked up. It happens. How are you going to fix it?”

Irritation prickled. If he knew exactly how to fix it, he wouldn’t have slept in his teenage bed. Zach picked up his coffee, took a long swallow, and missed the specialty beans Stella ground. Right. You miss her coffee.

“I need money. I need to see if I can flip one of my properties and pay off a loan. Then I need to show Stella I’m not going anywhere.”

Shane nodded. “Okay. See? Doers. So finish your damn coffee and get it done.”

Zach smirked. “Uh, thanks?”

Shane clapped him on the arm. “No problem. Your mom is right about one thing. Life is short. Makes it seem shorter when you drag all that baggage with you. We all fuck up, kid. It’s what you do about it that makes you the man you want to be.”

He stared at this man he hardly knew and realized that he’d already been a better father figure in twenty minutes than his own had been all his life.

“What if I can’t fix it?” He didn’t mean to utter the words. The thought paralyzed him. What if he couldn’t get her back?

The soft smile Shane gave him told him everything he needed to know about how the guy felt toward his mother. “What if you can?”

Zach nodded, finished his coffee, and said goodbye. He didn’t want to talk. He needed to do.