Chapter Thirty

Stella stared at her ceiling, her eyes feeling like she’d rubbed them with sand. She hadn’t slept all night. Hard to sleep with tears wracking her body. Once she’d started—the second she heard the door close behind Zach—she hadn’t been able to stop. It was as if she’d unleashed an ocean of hurt and holding back had been impossible. The dogs had rallied around her on the bed, one at her front, one against her back, and absorbed the impact of her crying.

Rubbing the heels of her hands over her eyes, she startled when she heard a knock at the door. The dogs jumped off the bed and her heart leaped with them, her first thought being that it might be Zach. Stupid, stupid heart. She hadn’t learned a damn thing. Weaving her way to the door like a drunk on a bender, she realized she was wrong. She had learned something. She’d learned that while she may have cared for Steven, and she’d certainly been infatuated with him, she hadn’t truly loved him. She knew the difference now. Since Zach.

Sniffling, she pulled the door open and was greeted by Meg. The ready smile on her friend’s face slipped immediately.

“What’s wrong?” Megan asked, coming into the house, her hands full of coffee and a bakery bag.

“Bad night,” Stella said, her voice rough.

How on earth could she feel like crying? She had nothing left. She was probably dehydrated she’d cried so much, yet her throat thickened, wetness pricked at the corner of her eyes, and her heart squeezed painfully.

Shutting the door and following Megan into the kitchen, she breathed through her nose. Just breathe. In. Out. You can do that. You just have to get through this minute. One minute at a time. It felt like too much.

Megan put the coffee and bag on the counter, shrugged off her purse, and stepped into Stella’s space without any warning. She wrapped her hands around her fiercely and squeezed the air out of Stella’s lungs.

“What are you doing?” Stella whispered.

“Whatever you need. Tell me. What’s wrong?” Megan spoke low and soothing in what Stella thought might be her classroom voice.

“Why are you here?”

“I thought I’d stop by and say hi on my way to work. You’re always in the clinic at this time. When you weren’t, I thought maybe I’d interrupt some morning fun and say hi to you and Zach.”

The smile in her friend’s voice proved her undoing. She bit her lip to hold back the sob, her body tensed, and her breath stuck in her lungs like a thorn.

“Stella. You’re scaring me.”

She was scaring herself because she didn’t think she’d ever let anyone have this kind of power over her feelings. She couldn’t control the merry-go-round of feelings spinning out of control inside of her.

“Zach isn’t here,” Stella whispered.

Megan pulled back, gripping her shoulders, then slipped one arm around her, nudging her toward the living room.

“What happened?”

I fell in love. Stella bit the inside of her cheek. God, she was such a fool. “He lied.” She pushed the words out of her mouth and the rest of the story tumbled after them. Megan held her hand, squeezing it, patting it, listening without interruption.

When she finished, Stella felt like she’d completed a marathon. Her breath sawed in and out, her eyes were wet but gritty, and she had a stitch in her side.

“I’m sorry, Stell. What are you guys going to do?”

Stella flinched. “You guys? There is no ‘you guys.’ I’m going to take control of my clinic and refund Zach’s money. I’m going to get up every day like I have been and care for animals. I’m going to figure out a way to carry on my dad’s legacy without burying myself under a pile of debt.” Which, she knew, might include selling off pieces of the land. Big pieces. She needed a serious cash flow if she wanted to pay Zach out.

“You’re not going to give him a second chance?” The surprise in Megan’s voice raised Stella’s hackles.

“A second chance to what? He lied. Repeatedly. It wouldn’t even be a second chance, Meg. He had many opportunities to tell me what he’d done. He chose not to.”

Her friend bit her lip and stared at the brick mantle. Unease dislodged the thorn in her side.

“You think it’s okay that he held back all of that information? That he invested someone else’s money after I’d specifically steered clear of that path? You think—”

Megan put her hand up, cutting Stella off. “No. No. Of course I don’t think that’s okay. But it was a mistake.”

“It was a choice,” Stella said, her tone hard. She didn’t want to take out her hurt on Megan, but she wasn’t responsible for what Zach had done. Megan was supposed to have her back. Rising, she walked over to the fireplace, resisting the urge to pace.

The silence in the room was broken by Nacho and Soda’s snoring. They hadn’t slept much, either, and this morning, she knew they missed Zach’s presence. His absence was like a huge crater. A sink hole getting wider. Swallowing her.

“I was afraid to ask you to be my maid of honor,” Megan said, her voice so quiet Stella almost didn’t hear.

Taking a seat in the easy chair opposite the couch, she tucked her legs up under her and stared at Megan, not understanding. “Afraid seems like a funny word.”

Megan shrugged. “I love you, hon, but you can be intimidating.” The words whooshed out of her friend like they’d slipped.

Stella’s forehead scrunched. “Intimidating how?”

Gesturing to her with a wave of her hand, Megan scoffed. “How? You’re all Miss Independent, I don’t need anyone, romantically or otherwise. You’re like Superwoman. You plow through everything without complaint. Someone has a problem? You fix it. Someone doesn’t have money to pay, you eat the cost. You keep going like the energizer bunny and that’s a little intimidating.”

Stella didn’t see it that way. She called it surviving. “That still doesn’t explain why you’d be afraid.”

Megan’s eyes darted past her then, clearly bracing herself, she met her gaze. “It’s scary to need someone, want someone in your life, that you aren’t sure needs you back.”

Mouth opened, Stella didn’t know what to say.

Megan got up, came over to the chair, and knelt in front of it. She grabbed Stella’s hands, her eyes wide and worried. “You’re so great, Stell. You’re kind and caring, but tough as steel. But you’re so determined to make it on your own, you never ask for help or a shoulder to cry on.”

Stella pulled her hands free. “So, because I can take care of myself, I should just let go of the fact that Zach so blatantly went against my very well-known wishes?”

Megan leaned back and sighed. “No. Of course not. But when you fall in love, you do stupid things. When you admire and respect and care for someone, you work so hard to make them see the best of you, that sometimes you hide the other stuff until you’re sure.”

“Sure of what?” Her friend wasn’t making any sense.

“Sure they’re hooked. Sure they won’t walk away even when you screw up. Adam almost let me walk away because he was scared to be in love. With anyone. Maybe Zach didn’t know how to tell you. Not in a way that wouldn’t put your shields back in the lock-and-load position.”

Stella nearly growled. “I’m so tired of hearing that I have some invisible shields. It’s ridiculous.”

Megan’s face fell. “But it’s true. You keep people at arm’s length for a long time. You don’t want them to see that you’re human. That you might need a little help financially. Or physically. Garrett or Parks would have gladly helped you around here with fixing fences or painting. They didn’t want to suggest it, though, because they didn’t want to insult you. Adam and I could have helped you financially—or at least with a sounding board—if you’d opened up. But you don’t. You take it all on yourself, so other people, people who love you, feel like they should be able to do the same.”

Stella focused on breathing in and out while she absorbed her friend’s words. “I’m thrilled to be your maid of honor,” she finally said.

Megan smiled. “And I’m thrilled you agreed. But I was scared to ask because you always seem like you don’t need the same thing as us mere mortals do. Love, affection, forgiveness.”

Huffing out a breath at that ridiculous statement, Stella tried to glare at her friend, but failed. “Just because I didn’t need a fairy tale doesn’t mean I don’t want you to have one. You know that, right?”

“I do,” Megan said softly. “But when I was missing Adam, when I was sure things wouldn’t work out, I wished I was as strong as you. I wished I could just go about my life not needing anyone else. Not giving my heart away and feeling the pain of having it tossed back at me.”

Stella didn’t feel very strong right that minute. She felt dangerously close to crying. Again. “I’ve often wished I had your happy, positive outlook on things. So I guess we’re even.”

Shaking her head, Megan gave her an uneven smile. “No. We’re different. You’re more cautious with your feelings and you have good reason. A lot of the people you’ve given your heart to have let you down or left in some way. It’s okay to be scared, Stell. And it’s okay to screw up. Because if someone loves you, they don’t walk away. Do you love him?”

Blinking back tears, Stella slowly nodded. Zach was mostly in the wrong, but she knew she wasn’t easy to get close to. She’d made him work for every step forward they made, often fighting him on simple ideas with the clinic just because she feared giving up control. She’d been waiting for him to mess up. For any excuse to walk away because then she could be the one who did. And it didn’t really matter who did the walking. Either way, she’d ended up exactly as she’d feared she would: alone.

…

When Megan left for work, Stella forced herself to shower. She got ready for her day and forced herself through it. She was busier than normal with Zach not there. He’d texted and said he’d be happy to come in and see his patients but understood if she didn’t want him there. She hadn’t responded because she didn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, seeing twice as many patients as she had in a while, she was exhausted. Churned up and restless, thinking about Megan’s words and Zach’s apologies, about the loneliness that had settled inside her like a plague, she went to the barn. A ride on C.C. would clear the cobwebs. Won’t fix a broken heart though.

Dexter had already seen to the horses feeding and stall cleaning, but Stella took a moment to greet each of them before focusing on Chocolate Chip.

Stella grabbed the saddle pad, and she mumbled more to herself than the horses, but they took whatever attention they could get.

“Nothing wrong with being independent. Less pressure all the way around, right, girl?” She pulled the girth off the wall where Zach had made everything easy for her to reach.

Chocolate Chip snorted, like she was in complete agreement with Stella.

“At least someone is.”

She hated the loneliness spearing her chest. “He was wrong. Not me.” While that might be true, it didn’t make her feel better. It didn’t make her want him out of her life. When Steven had asked her to stay, she’d said yes. When she’d hedged and said she wanted to move home, he’d upped the ante to get what he wanted: a strong, young veterinarian in his clinic. She’d compared Zach to him, but in truth, all Zach had ever wanted, even though he hadn’t gone about it the right way, was her. The clinic. To be part of what Stella also wanted: carrying on her father’s legacy.

It took some of the edge off, getting the horse ready. By the time she was ready to boost herself into the saddle, she could breathe. Until she settled herself on the horse’s back and Chocolate Chip shifted and became agitated.

“Hey.” Stella leaned over, petting her mane and talking softly. “What’s wrong, girl?”

C.C. whinnied, but it wasn’t the same conversational sound she’d made when Stella came in. She nudged her forward, thinking it had just been too long since she’d ridden her.

“Come on, C.C.” She nudged her with her heels again, but C.C. just shifted restlessly. Stella felt the slight tremble in the horse’s muscles through the saddle. She dismounted immediately.

Coming around to nuzzle C.C., she pressed her forehead to her nose. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

The horse shifted, nudging Stella with her nose, and tears clogged her throat. She took her time removing the tack, soothing her horse, and trying not to worry until she could do an actual exam.

As she went through with a checkup, starting with C.C.’s legs, Stella’s fingers itched to pull out her phone and call Zach. She loved horses. But he was better with them. You’re better when he’s here. The thought lodged in her head the way the golf-ball-sized lump did in her throat. C.C. protested and shuffled back when Stella ran her hands along the area between the knee and hoof. It was slightly swollen. She checked the shoes, earning more of C.C.’s ire.

Short of transporting C.C. to a bigger city or having a vet come to her, Stella could only do so much with her assessment. Zach was right. They needed an ultrasound machine. More than one if they were going to have horses living here. Yes, they could get along without it, but for how long? How much of her own vision could she see through if she was unwilling to accept that whatever her father had wanted for this place, he wasn’t here anymore. This was on her. She had to make some decisions, not just for her, but for her animals. For the animals she pledged to care for and look after. Zach might have withheld some information, but it had been with the same goal in mind.

As she nuzzled C.C. again, it hit her hard, right in the chest. She didn’t want to do this alone anymore. She didn’t want Andrew’s money. It was wrong. But that didn’t mean there weren’t other ways. Zach had given her ideas on how to be creative. He’d maximized their time and funds by thinking outside the box. It was time for her to do the same. She’d put her heart and her life in carefully labeled boxes in hopes of controlling the outcomes. But she couldn’t control death or loss or falling in love any more than she could be certain that if she’d known about her father’s heart, she could have saved him. Both Megan and Zach accused her of hiding, of keeping her guard so tightly in place that people not only couldn’t they get in, but she couldn’t get out.

“Time to break out, girl.”

The horse whinnied once more. Maybe it was animal speak for “It’s about time.”