It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.
Let’s take these one at a time, because they are deep, deep lessons and they take a lot of thinking and pondering and most of all practicing to really get. And even then, there’s more. These teachings are like the layers of an infinite onion. You peel one away, there’s another underneath. And there’s no end to that. I’m still peeling and will be for the rest of my lifetimes. And so will you.
It’s Not My Job to Make Anyone Else Happy
Each lifetime is a sacred thing. Divine Spirit chose it, created our body, and poured itself in, in order to experience physical life.
I want to pause here to define some terms. I believe that I am part of a much larger being. I refer to that being as my Soul, my Spirit, and my Higher Self. But a less mystical term might be Divine Consciousness. Consciousness pervades all existence, experiencing itself through every nanoparticle of it. My understanding is that my physical body gives my own little piece of that Consciousness, my Soul, a vehicle through which to experience all things physical. And I further believe that my Soul and yours are parts of the Whole, or what we call Source, God, Goddess, or The Universe, Divine Consciousness.
I think the vastness of my Soul could never be contained within a single physical body, but still, my body is filled with it, and powered by it. Just so you know what I’m talking about as we move on.
My Higher Self bought the ticket and booked this cruise in the physical world. But me, the smaller me, the me that is my personality, who identifies with this body, this voice, this attitude, this career, this lifetime, that me, is Captain Stubing. It’s up to me to make sure she (my Higher Self) gets her money’s worth. I want to show her a good time.
I can’t do that by trying to live somebody else’s life for them. I can only do it by living my own life in the way that makes me happiest.
I don’t say no to my girlfriends when I really want to say yes, even if I think my hubby would prefer I stayed home. I’m not in servitude to anyone except my own Higher Self. The experiences that my Soul is longing to have, those are my work orders. That’s the boss talking to me. This is what I came for. Girl’s night out, or a movie with a grandchild or a lunch date with one of my daughters.
I do not deny myself my dreams because of anyone else. Not even my spouse. Can you imagine how much I’d resent that someday? Can you even imagine denying ourselves the chance to follow our dreams because we think our partner would be happier if we didn’t? Can you imagine putting what we think someone else might prefer, above what we know our own Spirit craves? Does it make any sense to do that, when we really peel away the layers and look at the question?
First of all, there’s this. I can’t possibly make someone else happy. Most of us think we can. But it’s not truly possible. We can’t know what they want, because we are not them. We can’t perceive from anyone else’s perspective. Perspective is one to a customer. So chances are, I don’t really know what my hubby would prefer anyway. And if I had someone in my life who would be upset by me being the pilot of my own boat, I’d need to think about whether to abandon ship.
I hasten to add that doing wonderful, kind, thoughtful things for the person we love feels amazing. Seeing our beloved’s face light up. Watching them unwrap that gift we put so much thought into and seeing them shed a tear of joy because our gesture touched them so deeply. These are wonderful moments, and moments I treasure.
Doing loving things for the people we love is a joyful expression of our feelings for them. That’s never a bad thing. It’s making their happiness (and therefore, their unhappiness) our responsibility that can become a problem. These are two very different things.
So, we have permission to make ourselves happy, and not to bear the burden of anyone else’s well-being on our shoulders. More than permission. It’s what we’re here for. We get to do what we want, chase our dreams, and co-create a beautiful life with a partner who’s okay with that.
But we also have to be okay with the flip side.
It’s No One Else’s Job to Make Me Happy
Here are some things some of us say to the person we love most. I’ve been guilty of some of these myself. I’m not judging. I’m learning as I go and sharing what I’ve picked up so far. Try not to flinch.
Look, our partners are independent beings, not extensions of us. My husband’s Higher Self, his Spirit, poured a part of itself into his body, in order to come into this lifetime and experience things that would give him joy. And some of those things might be video games or football or junk food. I have no right to judge the value of those things, nor could I possibly hope to understand their value to him. I can’t feel what he feels. I can’t know from his perspective. To him, it’s valuable. It’s bliss-giving. It’s his job to get as much bliss as he can.
So in our relationship, we do our best to give each other the space to do and be and have exactly what we want to do and be and have.
Better yet, I strive to be one of the things that gives my partner bliss. And he is one of the things that gives me bliss. Apart from that, however, there must be autonomy and respect.
Each being’s authority over her or his own life is absolutely sacred. Allowing our own will and well-being and joy and bliss to be violated by the will of another, or trying to impose our own will over another’s life, are equally illogical and harmful to the spiritual advancement of both partners.
Some Examples
Susie’s waiting for Eric to ask her to the annual summer picnic. He always goes with his family, and she’s sure that if he’s serious about her, he’ll ask her along. But she knows he won’t, because Eric can be dense about these kinds of things. He probably won’t even think to ask. She’s already thinking about how angry she’s going to be if (when) he doesn’t ask her. She’s even rehearsing the scathing words she’s going to say to him once he’s committed this crime. In the meantime, though, she never says a word indicating she’d like to go with him to the event. She's just waiting for him to screw up.
In this example, Susie’s expecting Eric to fail, planning for Eric to fail, so Eric can’t do anything but fail because people will usually live up (or down) to our expectations of them. Susie needs to ask herself if she cares more about wounding Eric with her words while acting the injured party, or being Eric’s date for the picnic. If she does, then all she has to do is tell him so.
Men are Different than Women
According to an article by Tanya Lewis in Live Science:
The research…found that male brains had more connections within hemispheres, whereas female brains were more connected between hemispheres. The results, which apply to the population as a whole and not individuals, suggest that male brains may be optimized for motor skills, and female brains may be optimized for combining analytical and intuitive thinking. [3]