Chapter Eighteen

 

I sat by the fire Rhys had built and had to admit that if I wanted to have a picnic, I should have picked a country that wasn’t so near the arctic in the middle of winter. While Frelsi was magically lit and the sun shined down during daylight hours, out here in the real world the day was already dying and giving way to what felt like endless night.

“Are you all right?” Rhys got to one knee and started to dig through the backpack he’d brought along.

I wasn’t about to admit that I was incredibly cold and wanted to hike back into the city and find the nearest warm café and never leave it again. Instead I gave him a smile that I hoped didn’t freeze on my face. “Great. Though I have to admit, I was hoping this was the one.”

We’d been to four bridges on the outskirts of Reykjavík. Luckily Sasha kept a car with a friendly family in the city so we hadn’t been forced to walk all the way. While Rhys had driven around the city, I’d managed to get him to admit that he liked movies, especially action movies, and enjoyed pizza when he went out in the city.

That was about it. I’d done most of the talking, and I was coming to believe that my son thought I was some sort of pampered princess queen who’d never done a day of work in my life, much less fought monsters the way he had. It wasn’t that Rhys was acting superior. He’d been perfectly solicitous, but there was a distance between us that rankled.

What had Lee said? Rhys was worried I wouldn’t like who he was now.

And I didn’t like the fact that he was holding out on me. In more ways than one.

“Are you sure you want to keep going?” Rhys asked in a polite tone. He sat down on the rock across from me. “It’s cold today. We could head back into the city and get lunch there.”

Where I was certain he would find someone to join us so he didn’t have to be alone with his mom. Neil and Cassie had come with us as far as the portal. They were doing some shopping and then heading back into Frelsi, but we could probably still catch them, and that would mean Rhys didn’t have to sit and talk to me. 

“Or you could take out that eternal flame in your backpack and make us comfortable.”

He frowned. “And how did you know I had that?”

“I looked through your pack, of course. I wanted to make sure you had everything you needed,” I replied primly. “You’ll also discover I slipped a couple of notes in there so you can find them later and know your mom loves you.”

His jaw went tight, and he managed to not let his lips curve up. “You are incorrigible.” He sighed and reached back into his pack. “And I remember you used to do that. I would open my backpack and there would be a note about how special I was and how I should never forget that you love me.”

It was good he remembered one of the things I did right. “I wanted to let you know I was with you. I know school was hard on you.”

He nodded as he pulled out the small, enchanted stone I’d recognized earlier. “Yes, and it was made so much easier when the kids around me found all the notes you wrote.”

I frowned as he dropped the stone into the fire. Someone—probably Lily—had enchanted the stone and it did its job, creating a warm bubble around us. I sighed in pure pleasure as our small encampment was suddenly comfortable. “I’m your mom. I do embarrassing stuff.”

His expression softened as he settled back down. “I know. I liked the notes. I liked that those notes were for me and not Lee. I know that sounds shitty, but I liked that you did something for me you didn’t do for him.”

“He wouldn’t have read them.” Lee would have rolled his eyes and gagged. I knew my boys. “He had different struggles, but yours were every bit as difficult.”

“It wasn’t easy being the only fertility god at school. I know Lee was the only human, and some of the kids gave him hell about it, but you try being the kid in school who can pump up your chances to get pregnant. I never sat at the front of the class. Ever. They put me back as far as they could. I had not one teacher offer to hold my hand as we walked down the hall. They always held Lee’s hand when we were young.”

Once Rhys’s powers had grown, it had been hard keeping him in school at all. Danny, Dev, and I had many a parent-teacher meeting where we had to advocate for our son. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s hard to be the only one.”

He shrugged and pulled his gloves off. We wouldn’t need them now that the eternal flame was doing its job. “Papa was there, but he was in control and I wasn’t. And I know other people have it hard. Being alive is hard. Everyone has their struggles, but my particular issue actively created more people. In some ways it was a relief to go on the run, to not have to worry about fitting in with a bunch of teens who wanted to be able to have sex with no consequences. The teen wolves hated me. I wasn’t allowed anywhere near them.”

My heart ached for him. “You never told me that.”

“Well, it’s also hard when your mom is the queen and anything she does can cause problems for the king,” he said softly.

“We tried to keep you out of that. I know it’s hard to believe, but your fathers and I tried to give you as normal a childhood as possible.”

He chuckled at the thought. “As you have said on many an occasion, there is no such thing as normal. There is only what we know and what we are afraid of.”

I had to blink back tears. “I didn’t say that last part.”

“No, but it’s what I’ve learned over the last few years. Normal is a throwaway word, and yet it’s something we cling to and use to force others to do our bidding. It’s normal for the Fae to want fertility, so I should do my job whether I wish it or not. I should conform to their normal. It is normal to be immortal, so Lee was not welcome and we should conform to their normal. Well, we found our own, and damn the Fae.”

“Not all of them,” I pointed out. “You seem very popular in Frelsi.”

A warm smile came over his face. “I’ve found earthbound Fae have a completely different view of normal. They must fit in on a plane where they’re overwhelmed by humans, and therefore they’re tolerant of all. I’m never going to be Papa. I’m never going to fit in with my pure relatives. I even hate that word. Pure. What is it supposed to mean?”

“I think it’s another one of those words meant to separate us,” I replied. Finally we were talking, and all it had taken was my nosiness and utter disregard for his privacy. “You must be careful with the Seelie. The Unseelie as well. You have your father’s talents, but even he was only considered a proper Green Man when he ascended.”

He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know that I want to ascend.”

Had he even been thinking about it? There was no need for him to. Dev had done it to stabilize our alliance with the Fae. And to prove a point Rhys didn’t need to prove. “Oh, baby, you don’t have to. You never have to. That’s up to you and you alone. I know it feels like you have this grand destiny, but you’re in control.”

He huffed. “It didn’t feel that way when they attempted to kidnap me.”

“Well, that was assault and nothing you could control, but in this, you can. You will learn how to control your powers, and you can give or withhold them, and you should understand that even if they succeeded, your family would come for you.” I had no doubt even had we never gotten home that Rhys would not have been left alone.

“Yes. Lee would have led a charge into the Unseelie and gotten himself killed. It was what I worried about at the time,” Rhys replied. “Of course, I would have felt better had I known he would rise again. You know, now that I think about it, I should have known none of us could ever escape the chaos Lee can bring. Not even death can stop him.”

“Rhys,” I began.

He shook his head. “No, Mom. He’s my brother, and I have to put up with him in a way you do not. I get to throw all the shade I want his way.”

“Fine. Though you should know there’s a sensitive boy under all his bravado.”

Rhys snorted and looked down to the ground. “There are some unforeseen consequences. The stone melted the snow, and now we have mud.”

I glanced down, and he was right. The ground beneath us was getting messy, and we would likely sink into it when we rose. “You can fix it if you want.”

He hesitated. “I shouldn’t.”

“How long has it been since you used your powers?”

“I can’t not use them. It goes badly if I don’t. I do grow things, but I tend to do it in a passive way. I take off my shoes and walk around Frelsi at least once a week.”

And that was why the grass was so green. I wasn’t going to argue with him about this. It was Dev’s place to show Rhys how to control his powers. “I suspect you help in Lily’s garden, too. Her herbs are beautiful. Well, I don’t mind the mud. Do you want a sandwich?”

“I would love one. It’s nice because if I was out with Lee, I would have to fight him for it. I don’t know how he stays so fit because he eats like a wolf. And with Fen, well, he eats a lot. And so fast. A picnic like this would require Eddie to transport half a kitchen’s worth of food.”

I opened my bag and pulled out the sandwiches Albert had packed for us. They were ham with brown bread and butter. I’d been told they were Rhys’s favorite. I started to pass him one and stopped when I saw him leaning over, his fingertips hovering above the ground. There was a look of deep concentration on his face as the ground around us gently began to change. The grass grew, pushing through the earth and blossoming to form a silky emerald carpet under our feet. It formed a circle around us, a patch of spring in the winter gloom.

He sat back up, and I didn’t miss the satisfied expression that crossed his face. “It’s easier with you around. I can feel the energy from the Goddess Chain.”

“I didn’t know it had energy,” I admitted and passed him the sandwich and took out my own.

“Oh, yes. It soaks up the sexual energy from you and Papa’s encounters.” He frowned suddenly. “And now that I am saying those words, I wish I hadn’t because it’s pretty strong today. I wish I didn’t know that.”

I wished he didn’t know it either, but this was one of those “normals” I needed to throw away. “Sex is healthy. It’s a good thing to share when you truly care about someone.”

Rhys’s brows rose. “Has anyone told my brother that? He shares it all the time.”

“Or when you and your partner simply want to have some fun and everyone consents.”

He shuddered. “I don’t need a sex talk, Mom. I get it. Sex is good for the sex god. The truth is being around Papa has already helped a lot. I had a long teaching session with him that was deeply disconcerting and oddly comforting, and then Bris gave me advice as well. I was afraid to have sex because of what could happen. I have a weird relationship with sex.”

“Because it’s who you are and it’s why you’ve had trouble,” I said. “I can understand that. I always found it odd that my life often revolves around something I can never see.”

“Your glow?”

I nodded. “It’s affected me all of my life, and I can’t see it. I might have gone my entire life without knowing it existed. Some companions do since there are so few vampires.”

“Do you wonder what that life might have been like? If your father had been someone with no ties to the supernatural world? What would your life have been like if Granddad had been a farmer somewhere isolated? You might never have met a vampire and had a… I was about to use that word again.”

“Normal, yes. It’s hard not to. I don’t think about it anymore. If he had, then I would never have met your dad and never have fallen in love with your papa. No. I love the life I have.” I even loved sitting here and talking to my son, despite the fact that there was awkwardness between us. “There is always a balance. That’s what I’ve learned. It’s kind of been beaten into me. I had hard things to get through, but I was also given extraordinary love.”

“Were you given it? Or did you fight for it, too?” Rhys asked as though he’d thought about this a lot.

“I suppose that’s true. I suppose we fight for everything.” I sighed and took a drink from the thermos Albert had packed for me. The water tasted faintly of citrus. At the penthouse there was always a pitcher of infused water around. We ate in silence for a moment before I decided to push him a little. “How long have Fen and Evan been together?”

I thought it would be easier for him to talk about his siblings.

He swallowed what appeared to be half a sandwich, and I realized my boy wasn’t as self-aware as he thought he was. He could eat, too. “Forever, it feels like. They kind of clung together because they were younger than me and Lee. Sasha was easier on them training-wise in the beginning. Eddie and Albert took care of them while Lee and I trained, so they formed an attachment at a young age. At some point it went from friendship and comfort to something more. I don’t know. You might not be able to understand.”

I felt my eyes widen. “Excuse me?”

His lips curled up, and I realized he was fucking with me. It made me feel better.

I sighed and reached into my pack to get the cookies Albert had packed. “You know very well your dad and I had a similar story.”

He shrugged. “Yes. I’ve heard it from Grandad many times over the years. I think hearing those stories did nothing but reassure Evan she was following in your footsteps. I know she was hard on you, but that was mostly about Papa. And you seemed very standoffish in the beginning.”

“I was in shock. You were eleven a few days ago.”

He nodded. “I know. We’ve had years to think about this moment, and like so many things it wasn’t what we expected. Though you seem to be settling in. I’ll be happy to tell Evan that her mother is already meddling, and she should expect many long and annoying conversations.”

I wanted to argue with that, but I did have several conversations planned for my baby girl. I didn’t think they would be annoying. I thought they would be charming and informative, but then I bet my dad had thought that, too, and he’d been wrong. So wrong. “Well, that’s a mom’s job. I feel like I have a lot of conversations to make up for.”

“You would be surprised. Sasha’s pretty good at talking to us about things that should be hard. He was good with Evan. He had a daughter he had to leave behind when he turned. I think he viewed us as a way to make up for that, or maybe a second chance to be a father figure. And Eddie read a lot of parenting books. There were many times I wished he’d read less. Trent mostly just tried to survive us all.” His expression had softened as though fond memories were playing through his head.

Memories I had no part in. His formative years had come and gone, and I’d been a distant memory. “I’m sorry I missed it. Did it help at all to have your grandfather?”

“Like all things in this life I find myself leading, Grandad’s reappearance was confusing. I’m glad it didn’t happen until I was almost seventeen or I think my sexuality would be even more fucked up.”

Now we were getting somewhere. “You like Shy?”

He’d eaten half of his second sandwich but seemed to lose his appetite. He wrapped it back up. “She’s a beautiful woman. She’s smart and kind, and she’s been through a lot.”

“And she carries your grandfather’s soul around.”

Rhys huffed, a frustrated sound. “He chooses the worst times to come out, Mom. Like the absolute worst. I almost managed to forget he was there once. Shy and I had been talking late into the night, and it was almost dawn. I lost my head and moved in to kiss her and Grandad shows up and tells me she’s not ready. Couldn’t she have told me that herself? Did she have to send my grandpa after me?”

I bit back a laugh because though he was joking, it was easy to see it hadn’t been funny for him. “Was it the first time you tried to kiss a girl?”

He snorted as though I’d said something silly. “No. I’ve had some minor experiences. We visited some interesting planes. I’ve made out with a few women in bars, but I couldn’t let it go far. Sasha made sure there were condoms around, but I didn’t know if they would work on me. And I didn’t know how to ask. I can’t believe I told you that.”

“I’m very easy to talk to. You know you used to tell me everything. As for the condoms, they work or you would have many more siblings.”

“I shudder at the thought. I can’t handle the ones I do have. That’s good to know though. Condoms, however, don’t stop my magic from going crazy. One of the pubs we were in, one of the ones I made out in, it got covered in ivy. We had to hack our way out. The owner was not happy.”

“You’ll get better with that, though you’re already far more powerful than your papa was at your age. He could only explode a single houseplant when we would make out.”

“You don’t have to talk about it. Trust me, Papa talks far too much about it. I don’t remember him being this forthcoming,” Rhys admitted. “I know we had talks about how to control my powers, but they did not include stories of how he has to control them around you and Dad.”

I felt my jaw drop. “He does not.”

“And he gives examples.”

“Well, he’s Fae. I happen to know his mother is very open about her sexuality. Including hitting on your dad once.”

Rhys winced. “Are you serious?”

I nodded. “And I will talk to your papa. He needs to know where your boundaries are.”

If we’d been here all along, would those boundaries be as tight as they seemed to be now?

“Anyway, Shy and I have a nice friendship,” he continued. “It’s good we didn’t confuse things.”

I’d seen the way Shy looked at my son, the way her eyes followed him anywhere he went. “You never tried again? You haven’t talked to her about how you feel?”

“I told you how I feel,” Rhys replied, his expression shuttering. “It would have been complicated. Besides, she doesn’t want that kind of relationship.”

“That’s not what she said. At least that’s not how you said it,” I replied.

Rhys shrugged. “She didn’t say anything at all. Granddad did.”

“I suspect your grandfather was protecting Shy. Not from you. He said she wasn’t ready. That doesn’t mean she’ll never be ready. You said yourself that Shy’s been through a lot. How early was this in your relationship with her?” I asked.

“A few weeks after she showed up in Frelsi.”

“And you haven’t talked to her about it since?” I thought he might be too timid around her.

“I respected her wishes,” Rhys said firmly.

“What are her wishes now?”

“She seems happy with the way things are.” Rhys sighed and stood up. “We should go. We’re losing what little daylight we have. I’m beginning to suspect Ingrid and Halle have moved on. We’ll check deeper into the countryside tomorrow. I can send out someone to find them and then we don’t have to repeat this.”

I had pushed him too far. I suspected Rhys was the one who was truly satisfied with not having to deepen the relationship. He’d tried and gotten shot down and wouldn’t try again. My son was locked in routine, and that could be hard to get out of. “I don’t mean to pry.”

A brow arched over his emerald eyes, an expression I’d seen many times on his father’s face. “Really?”

“Okay, maybe I do, but I’m your mother.”

“Well, I’ve done okay without you for years. I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” He stopped and took a long breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I forced myself to stay steady when emotion rushed through me. “But you did mean what you said.”

“I should have been more politic,” my son allowed.

I needed to make him see the truth. “Rhys, I didn’t mean to leave you. I never meant to leave you.”

“I understand that.”

“On a logical level you do, but there’s still a little boy inside you who wonders why I lied. Who wonders why I would have promised him I would see him in the morning and then disappear. I can understand why it might be easier to be angry with me.”

“I am not angry with you.” He stood and slid his gloves on again.

It was so plain to me that he was angry. “Baby, I can’t even start to deal with the problem if you don’t acknowledge that it’s real.”

He leaned over and waved a hand over our fire, the eternal flame going out like he’d hit a switch. “Let’s talk about it in the car if you insist on pushing the subject. I believe we have a storm coming in. I want to avoid it if I can.”

I was what he wanted to avoid, but then I was getting the suspicion that Rhys avoided anything vaguely emotional. “Not talking to me won’t help the problem.”

He placed the eternal flame back in his pack. “I’m talking to you. I wouldn’t dream of not talking to you. That would be impolite.”

He stood and bit back a growl. He was so much like his fathers. He had all of Dev’s courtly ways of letting me know he was upset, combined with Danny’s stubborn will to not acknowledge there was a problem at all.

The wind rushed back in, and I felt the cold again. I was standing in that patch of spring Rhys had made, but there was no doubt it was wintertime again. Rhys stalked off toward the car and I stood there, watching him walk away from me.

How could I get him to open up? How could we heal if we didn’t acknowledge the wound?

I started after him, my boots crunching against the snow. My rage needed a place to go. I worried if I got into that car with him right this second I would say something I shouldn’t. I needed to let off some steam.

I screamed. I let it out, let go of some small part of my rage and fear, let it spread across that snowy white field.

“Mom!” Rhys’s eyes had gone wide.

I made a quick snowball and held it in my hand. Maybe if we lobbed snowballs at each other we could find some balance.

“Do not throw that, Mother.” Rhys started my way. “I am not joking. Put it down this instant or there could be hell to pay.”

“Come on. Pick one up and throw it at me. You’re mad. I’m right here and you’re still angry. Take it out on me.”

I could handle a couple of snowballs way more easily than I could not speaking to him, not feeling connected to him. Rhys had been the one to bottle things up. If I let him, he would shut me out forever.

Rhys pointed a finger my way. “Put it down. Put it down right now, Mother.”

Yeah, he should have known me better than that. I reached back and lobbed that sucker his way. 

It was going to thud straight into the center of his chest. Well, it should have. Something stopped it in midair. It hit something invisible and then slid to the ground.

Rhys’s face had gone a chalky white. “I wasn’t scared of you hitting me with a snowball. I was scared of you hitting one of them.”

Before I had a chance to ask what he’d meant, I felt something grab my arm and I knew we were in trouble.