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CRADLED IN THE BIRD’S curved talons, I am carried from the castle and the battlefield. We fly into the clouds, the mist obliterating any view of the ground. I curl inward, hugging my knees to my chest, and rock back and forth.
I’m right where I started—plain Varna Lund, who holds no magic.
No, that’s not true. I am not the same person at all. I press my fingers to my lips, where I still feel Sten’s final kiss.
He made the sacrifice I demanded, yet I can do nothing for him. I know he understands; that it’s all part of the choice he made. But someday, somehow, I will help him. Even if we can never be together, even if I must live the rest of my life alone, I won’t allow him to suffer forever.
I am a healer. I must find a way.
We descend, brushing the tops of trees. The bird lands in a clearing and opens its talons, tumbling me onto the pine needles blanketing the ground.
I roll over and stare up into a circle of dark sky. The bird’s wings blot out the stars for a moment before the creature disappears from view.
A cool, wet nose bumps my arm. Luki. I sit up and stare into the wolf’s golden eyes. “Can you lead me to the others?”
He yips once and waits until I am on my feet before heading into the woods. I follow him to another clearing, where a group of people cluster around a blazing fire.
Luki bounds over to Thyra and Kai, who sit beside each another on a fallen log. Gerda and Anders are nestled together on a blanket spread over the ground, while Erik leans against a pine tree.
Gerda’s the first to reach me. “Varna!” She hugs me tight. “I was so worried, especially when the others returned without you. Yet here you are, safe and sound.” She releases me and looks me over. “He changed you back?”
“No, the Lady Dulcia did.” I turn to the others, spreading my arms wide. “She let me go, at Sten Rask’s request. After he sacrificed his freedom for mine.” I take a deep breath. “And after she stripped me of any power or beauty.”
“No.” Erik walks forward “She did not take anything from you, Varna. Nothing that matters, anyway.” He pulls me close and kisses me.
Amid the claps and whistles, I clearly hear Anders say, “It’s about time.”
***
I SIT NEXT TO ERIK and listen to tales of espionage and escape from the others, including the good news that Thyra’s contact has secured pardons for Erik and Anders.
“They have aided our country, even out of uniform,” Thyra says, “so it wasn’t difficult.”
I look up into Erik’s smiling face. “So you can go home.”
He tightens the arm he’s draped over my shoulders. “Sooner or later, anyway. Anders is more excited than me, since he has a partnership with his old master waiting for him. My older brother’s set to inherit the shop, so I have less to look forward to.”
“You would own the shoemaking business?” I ask Anders.
“Yes. Co-owner for now, but my mentor has no children. Before I enlisted he told me he would eventually bequeath the shop to me, if I returned after the war.” Anders pulls Gerda a little closer. “So I will have a decent livelihood, for myself and a family.”
“Ah-hah.” I look at Gerda, who has lowered her lashes so I can’t read her eyes. “Are you thinking of starting this family with my sister, Anders Nygaard?”
Anders’s face flushes to match the fire. “Not until I marry her, of course.”
“That’s a good plan.” I wink at Gerda. “I’m sure Mother will approve, although she’ll be distressed to lose her mill manager.”
“Well, about that ... ” Erik scratches the back of his neck with his free hand. “I wonder if I might be considered for that position.”
“You want to manage the mill?”
“I would like to give it a try. I thought perhaps you could put in a good word?”
“I will, but you’d better ask Kai as well.”
Kai waves his hand. “I’ve already said yes. It would be a relief, really. Thyra and I plan to return to the University, although we need a new place to stay. I don’t believe my landlady will allow a married couple to rent her garret.”
“It would difficult to explain a wolf, as well.” Thyra pats Luki’s head.
Kai grins at her. “Yes, and there is that.”
I tap Erik’s knee. “I don’t see why we shouldn’t give you a chance. At least on a trial basis,” I add, wrinkling my nose at him. “Allow you time to prove yourself.”
He grunts. “See, nothing has changed. Same practical Varna.”
Everyone laughs and I join in, although my mind is elsewhere.
Things have changed. I have changed. I glance up at Erik’s merry face and wish this was not true, but I must be honest, if only with myself.
You love him, but feel no burning desire. And when he kisses you, memories of other kisses cloud your mind. What will you do about this, Varna? What does your heart truly desire?
“If you will excuse me,” I slip out from under Erik’s arm and rise to my feet, “I must disappear for a moment or two.”
“Stay close,” he says. “There are still troops milling about, even if the Usurper’s armies have withdrawn.”
I nod and smile and walk into one stand of trees surrounding the clearing. I don’t actually need to relieve myself. I just need a moment to think.
A rustle in the undergrowth—I pause and prepare to run. Then I see who it is.
“Hello, Varna,” Sephia says. “I hoped to find you alone, sooner or later. I thought you might need to talk”
“I do. How did you know?”
She smiles. “Oh, I can sense these things.”
We walk in silence for a minute before I can muster the courage to ask the question on my mind. “You know how I feel?”
“I do.” She takes hold of my hand. “You care deeply for Erik.”
“Yes, although more like a dear friend. But really, that should be enough. It’s more than many girls can expect. He’s good man, and kind, and will make a great mill manager, and if we were to marry, everyone, even my mother, would be thrilled. And he is even handsome, and I like being around him, but ...”
“But you love someone else.”
I stop walking. “Yes.”
“And you are not certain what you want to do about that.”
I lower my head. “I understand what I should do, what is probably best. I know what makes sense, and yet I feel ... conflicted.”
Sephia squeezes my fingers. “You are allowed to be confused. You’ve lived through a transformation, and I do not mean just what Sten Rask did to you. You have experienced something most people can never understand. Do not torture yourself over how you feel right now. You need to give yourself time.” She turns her head and stares at me, her green eyes mesmerizing me into silence. “Time. That is what you must demand of yourself, and others. Don’t make rash decisions, Varna Lund. Don’t make choices based on what everyone else wants for you—or anything except what your heart says. It will tell you the answer, if you will listen, although it may not speak clearly for a while. So wait. This is the best thing you can do now—allow yourself time to decide.”
I nod, swallowing a lump in my throat.
Sephia releases my hand and strokes the side of my face with her fingers. “I have faith in you. You will know what to do when the time is right. Just remember to trust your own heart. It is a mighty heart,” she adds, with a little smile. “Now, let’s join the others. We can be happy for them, and with them, and perhaps, find some happiness ourselves. What do you say?”
“I say you are very wise, and I’m glad you are my friend.”
“Now that,” Sephia says, as we walk back, arm in arm, “makes me very happy.”
***
WHEN WE REACH THE OUTSKIRTS of the village, I’m thrilled to see the enemy’s troops have abandoned their camp.
“They don’t have the stomach for a prolonged occupation,” Erik observes. “Not with their leader gone. It seems he was the driving force behind the invasion.”
Encouraged by a wicked sorceress. I shift in my saddle and offer Erik a smile, but don’t voice this thought aloud.
“I’m just glad they are gone. It’s time we were home. I can’t wait to tell Mother and the twins everything.” Gerda casts me a sly smile. “The twins will be so outdone to have missed all the excitement.” She kicks Bae into a lope.
We urge our horses faster to follow her. Luki slips into the woods.
“He won’t go into the village,” Thyra says. “He knows better. Don’t worry, he will be waiting when Kai and I leave town.”
By the time we ride into the town square, the noise of our arrival has drawn most of the villagers out of their shops and houses.
Expressions of amazement fill the air. The villagers cluster around us as we dismount.
“We thought you were dead,” Nels Leth says.
Anders takes Gerda’s hand. “Nearly, but not quite.”
Nels, who’d raced forward with his arms extended, as if to take Gerda into an embrace, drops his hands to his sides and stops in his tracks. He can see the love shining in Gerda’s eyes when she looks at Anders. Anyone can see it.
My mother pushes her way through the crowd. She hugs Gerda, then me, complaining the entire time about our irresponsible behavior. “Who is this then?” She steps back and glances from Anders to Erik and back again.
Gerda lifts her chin and looks Mother in the eye. “These are the soldiers you wanted to turn over to the authorities. These are the men who saved our lives, several times.”
Franka and Nanette jostle their way to Mother’s side. Erik meets their astonished stares with a grin.
“Anders Nygaard, Madame Lund.” Anders leans over his cane to give her a little bow.
Erik follows suit. “Erik Stahl.”
Mother huffs and slides her hand over her head, pushing the cap off her hair. “Well, I never.”
“Anders and I are getting married,” Gerda says.
The twins shriek in unison.
“If you will allow it.” Anders bows his head again.
“And even if you don’t,” Gerda says, while a blush creeps over Anders’s face.
Mother sighs. “Well, we should not talk about this in the street. Come along, all of you, and we’ll discuss this at our home. Yes, you too, Kai Thorsen. Your mother is there—she’s visiting us today. I’m sure she’ll be delighted to see you again.” Mother examines Thyra. “As well as whomever this is.”
Kai drapes his arm over Thyra’s shoulders. “My wife, Thyra Winther Thorsen.”
Mother’s blue eyes widen. She shakes her head. “Very well. I suppose we can sort all this out, one way or the other.”
She continues to mutter and shake her head as we make our way through the crowd and head for home.
The twins, as if stricken dumb, keep shooting glances at Anders and Erik.
Nels Leth is the only one who speaks again, and that is to offer Gerda and Anders sincere, if stammered, congratulations.
***
LATER, AFTER ENDURING a barrage of questions, too much tea, and demands to detail our adventures one more time, Erik and I slip out into the back yard.
“Are you sure you want to work for us?” I ask, as he takes my arm.
Erik laughs. “Yes, as long as I can avoid too many meetings with your mother.”
I lead him to a bench placed beneath a wisteria vine. “Look.” I tug on one of the leaf clusters. “It reminds me of Sephia’s cottage.”
“Only, no longer blooming.” Erik slides my arm through the crook of his elbow and rests his hand on my knee. “Finally, a moment alone.”
“Yes.” I study my fingers.
“We haven’t really had a moment to talk since ... ”
“Since you kissed me?” I glance up at him from under my lowered eyelashes.
“Yes, since then.” Erik tips his head and stares up into the tangle of wisteria vines.
“You must realize you’ve given Gerda ideas.”
“I think she already had them.” Erik looks back at me with a smile. “I mean, it does sound perfect, you must admit—me, managing the mill for your family, and being Anders’s best friend, and you, being Gerda’s sister. It would be a fairytale ending, wouldn’t it, if we were to marry?”
“Yes, but we can’t allow others to decide such things for us.”
“No, I agree.” Erik’s expression turns pensive. “I’m very happy for Anders and Gerda, of course. And I do want to marry, and you and I ... well, we have the makings of a great relationship. But I think it would be good if we didn’t rush into things.”
“I agree. Now Master Stahl, you needn’t look so surprised. I have goals to accomplish before I’ll even consider marriage. For one thing, I’d like to take over Dame Margaret’s cottage and establish myself as the local healer. Also, you need time to prove yourself at the mill.”
“Prove myself—yes, I suppose I do.” He gazes down at me, a smile tugging the corners of his mouth. “To you too, I think.”
“No, I didn’t mean ... ”
“It’s all right. The truth is, I would like to court you. Take my time, and do it properly.”
I tap his knee with my fingers. “Picnics by the river? Village dances? The annual parish festival?”
He grins. “Exactly. Perhaps those things aren’t as exciting as what we’ve already experienced together, but I think that’s best. It gives us time to see how we feel about each other in the midst of our ordinary lives.”
“I like that idea.” I lay my head on his shoulder.
“Although, I admit it’s a gamble for me. Over time, given my charming personality, you may decide you prefer someone else.”
Erik’s off-hand tone alleviates my anxiety, but I’m still glad he can’t see my face. “Just as you may decide you actually prefer a beauty,”
“Now, about that.” He straightens, forcing me to sit up and look directly at him. “There is one thing I want you to understand. Honestly, it’s important you know this, whether we end up married or not.” He clears his throat. “I need to tell you a story. Will you humor me?”
I nod.
His expression turns solemn. “All right, here it is. Listen very closely, Varna Lund.” He places his left hand over both of my hands. “When I was searching for you in that burnt-out village, I stumbled over people you’d helped and asked if they knew where you had gone. I attempted to describe you, but they stopped me and said they knew who I was talking about. ‘The lovely lady,’ they said. ‘The girl with the eyes of a saint.’ Their faces lit up when they mentioned you, the same light I’ve seen in the eyes of people admiring a work of art—awed and adoring.
Then I found you, sitting with that poor dying woman. You held her hand and gave her comfort. Shared her pain. Once, near the end, she gazed up at you and I glimpsed a look in her eyes that took my breath away. It was as if she saw an angel, or the loveliest person she’d ever known. The most beautiful girl in the world.
And then I looked again.
And I saw it too.”
With my hands captured, I cannot brush away the tears rolling down my cheeks. He leans forward and gently uses his right thumb to wipe them away, one by one.
“Who knows what the future holds, Varna?” He releases my hands and pulls me into a close embrace. “I just want you to know, regardless of what we decide to do with our lives, and whether we marry or simply remain dear friends, I will always love you.”
“And I you.” I lift my head to look into his eyes. “That much we know. Time must decide the rest.”
Erik smiles and sits back. As he tilts his head to look upward, he drapes his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to his side. I lean into him and follow his gaze, until we’re both watching wisps of cloud sail like small boats on a clear blue sea.
Yes, time will tell. And whether I ultimately walk alone, or with someone by my side, I know my best future will be revealed if I’m brave enough to open my mind and heart to all possibilities. Sephia’s recent words resonate within me. Even if it requires years, I must not make my final decision until I find my own path—the one my heart knows, without a doubt, is right and true.
The one I choose.
