Chapter Eleven

Evie

While Logan was in the bathroom, Evie collected a duster from the airing cupboard, and wiped the top of his golden-pine tallboy. On it was a photo of her and Griff on their wedding day. Evie picked it up, and moved to under the ceiling bulb.

Griff was so handsome in his tails, and so happy, his square jaw set in a permanent smile, a six-month-old Dylan nestled on his shoulder. Evie was happy, too. Her new life had begun. She was safe, secure and madly in love.

She sighed as she cast her eyes over the image of Tess. She looked stunning in a deep green, shot silk dress. Even then she was emerging into a young lady. Her body was taking on the curves and fullness of a woman. ‘I’m missing you grow up,’ Evie whispered as she trailed her finger over the picture.

‘I’m ready.’ Logan’s voice cruised along the landing.

‘Coming.’ Evie replaced the photo, returned the duster to the cupboard and scurried to the bathroom. Opening the door, she took Logan’s dressing gown from the hook and opened it up, ready to help him put it on.

‘I don’t need that,’ he said, indicating for Evie to move away. ‘I’m going straight to bed.’

Evie folded the gown over her arm, stepped aside, and held out a hand for Logan. ‘I’ve set the recorder for that film you wanted to watch, and I’ve put the nuts out for the birds.’ Logan liked regular updates. ‘Once you’re settled, I’ll make us both a drink.’

Together, they ambled back to the bedroom, their joint efforts concentrated on reaching the bed in one piece. With the duvet already folded back, Logan was able to sit down and slide his feet in. Evie passed him the adjustable bed’s remote control, and Logan pressed one of the black rocker switches.

Nothing happened.

‘Bed’s not working,’ he said, handing the remote to Evie. ‘Must be the batteries.’

‘But I changed them three days ago.’ Evie tried the button for herself, and the head end of the bed began to rise. ‘Perhaps it was just a bit sticky.’ She kept her thumb down until Logan gave her the nod to stop.

‘Don’t patronise me, Evie. You changed the batteries because it wouldn’t work. If it’s still not working, it’s because I’ve lost the ability to hold down the bloody button.’

As much as it upset Evie to agree, she was in no position to argue. She’d put new batteries in twice this month already – she’d even replaced the rectangular one under the bed. And she’d seen Logan struggling with remotes and buttons a lot recently. He’d try first with one thumb, then with two, both hands quivering under the strain of pressing down the switch. Even the toggle on his stairlift was proving difficult.

The loss of power had nothing to do with the Duracells.

Logan sunk into his pillow and closed his eyes. ‘Would you put the foot up, please?’

Evie obliged, again stopping at Logan’s mark. ‘Perhaps we can find a touch remote. I can search online or ask at the disability shop.’

‘No point.’

Placing the unit next to Logan, Evie retreated, and took a seat in a white wicker chair by the window. ‘And there’s no point because …’

‘Because there’s no point.’ Logan’s eyes opened, and he zoomed in on Evie. ‘Why can’t you accept I don’t want to be here?’

‘I get it, really, I do. I’ve had times in my life when I was convinced the world would be better off without me, but things change.’

‘I don’t want change.’

And that was where they were different. Even at her lowest point, Evie had clung to the belief things would move on, that Neil would love and not resent Tess, that he’d drink less, that he’d disappear – anything, because one alteration could lead to another, and then another, and then another. In that respect, she was very like Griff. He believed change could have saved his mother.

‘Why have you never told me about your wife?’ Evie reclined and crossed her legs. She was in for either a long chat or a long silence.

‘What was I meant to tell you?’ Logan closed his eyes again.

‘About how she stopped her treatment. How that made Griff feel.’

‘So he’s told you.’ Once more Logan’s eyes opened and he locked onto Evie. ‘Then I expect you to understand why I want to go.’

‘Okay, but I also understand why Griff doesn’t visit. He thinks you gave up on his mum.’

‘I know what he thinks, but I don’t have the energy or the patience to baby him along. The choice was not his to make. Marilyn was my wife and I supported her until the bitter end.’ Logan’s face contained all the rage a younger man would store in his fist. ‘And this is why I don’t want him knowing my plans. He’ll make it impossible for me to go quietly. The fewer people who know, the better.’

He was talking as if Evie had agreed to assist him. She folded her arms. ‘Hang on. I’ve not said I’m going to help you.’ She absorbed the glare of defiance aimed at her and used its energy to awaken a latent rebelliousness within. ‘Right this moment I’m inclined to tell Griff everything. This secret has ruined my marriage. I’ve not told you before because I thought I was sparing you further distress, but I don’t think it would make any difference to you. I hate lying to Griff, and I can’t look him in the eye. He doesn’t understand where we went wrong.’

Evie jumped to her feet and paced the width of the bedroom. ‘I’ve even hinted there’s another man. He doesn’t know it’s a seventy-four-year-old with a death wish.’ She was aware Logan was tracking her moves. ‘He’s not living with us. It’s not right. I love him. He’s my husband, although for how much longer is anyone’s guess. I shouldn’t keep secrets from him. What you’re asking of me is too much. I will not be responsible for another person’s death.’

Decision made. That was something for the Happiness jar.

Dizzy from her outburst, and exhausted by weeks of constant conflict, Evie sunk onto the edge of Logan’s bed. ‘I’m sorry. I should have given you an answer a long time ago. I’ll continue to care for you, but if you go through with your plan, and I find you, I will call an ambulance. I won’t help you die.’ She put a hand on Logan’s arm. ‘I hope you understand. And I hope you don’t think any less of me.’

Logan’s eyes hadn’t left Evie for a second. ‘You’ll respect my wishes written in my directive?’

‘The directive your son knows nothing about?’ It was bound to be a bone of contention between her and Griff, but one Evie felt he would come to accept, given time and a thorough explanation of its workings. ‘Yes, of course. I’ve signed it, haven’t I?’

‘Even though Griff would hate the idea?’

‘It’s my name and number they’ll call when the time comes.’ It was the only compromise she was prepared to make. She didn’t want Logan to suffer at the end, however it came about. With his no resuscitation instruction, if she did find him stranded after a failed suicide attempt, there was a chance his Advance Decision would provide him safe passage to the next world, anyway. She could live with that.

‘Then that is the best I can hope for.’ Logan unrolled the top of the duvet until it was under his chin. ‘And I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused. Things will improve once I’ve gone. In the meantime, I’ll consider what you’ve said about employing someone else.’ With that, he turned his head to the side, closed his eyes, and waved Evie off. ‘Turn the lamp off on your way out.’