Antonio
The priest stood behind the pulpit at the front of the church. He looked solemn as he opened his Bible and started speaking.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4.” He looked around at the packed church and continued. “We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our son and brother, Jimmy Salvatori. For those of us who knew Jimmy…”
His voice continued, but my thoughts trailed off. I was happy that so many people had shown up. The entire first two rows were full of women dressed in black, sobbing their eyes out, each one of them having loved Jimmy in their own way. I knew wherever he was, he was smiling down at that. I tried not to think about his last days, his last hour. I tried not to think about the dreams that he’d had, how he had always wanted to get married and have kids, about how I’d be the uncle. There would be no little Jimmys. I clutched the Bible in my hand tightly, and I felt Alessandro’s hand on my shoulder.
“This is a new beginning, Antonio,” he said, giving me a side-eye. I looked over at him and nodded. “Gia’s here,” he said, nodding toward the back row.
“I know,” I said. She was joined by Elisabetta and Callie. I’d noticed them as soon as they’d come in; my eyes never leaving Callie. We’d stared at each other for a couple of minutes. They’d seemed like hours. I’d wanted to rush over to her, hug her, kiss her, thank her for coming, and ask her to stand by my side and comfort me. But I knew I had to give her her space. Aside from one little text message, she hadn’t responded to anything I’d sent. She hadn’t picked up any calls. My heart was broken, but I understood. The priest continued reading another verse, and I tried to focus, but couldn’t. I was angry. I was angry at myself; I was angry at God. I was angry for being born into a world that made me who I was. Jimmy had had no shot. I’d had no shot. Alessandro had no shot. We were all doomed. Doomed to live hell on earth and die without love and—
“Bro,” Alessandro said, “you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I muttered. “Why?”
“Because you were cursing up a storm under your breath just now.”
“I’m just trying to process, you know?” I looked back and stared at Callie. She was looking down at her lap and crying. She was too sweet for this world, too caring, too hard on herself.
“Let her go, Antonio,” Alessandro said. “Just let her go.”
“I can’t,” I said. “Jimmy wouldn’t want me to.”
“What?” He blinked at me and sighed.
“Jimmy died protecting her, and he did that because he knew I loved her.”
“But you’ve done too much to her. How can you ever come back from that?” He looked back, and at first, I thought he was staring at Callie, but he was looking at Gia.
“How do you come back from breaking someone’s heart and betraying them?” he said.
“You broke Gia’s heart?” I said under my breath. “I didn’t even know you two were in love.” He let out a deep, guttural sound and turned back to me.
“We weren’t in love like that, but we were best friends. We were everything to each other.”
“So what happened, Antonio?” I asked him softly. “You ever going to tell me?”
“Maybe one day,” he said, nodding. “But today’s not that day.”
“Why do I feel like that’s all I keep hearing right now?” I asked. I was about to ask him something else when I realized everyone was singing “Amazing Grace.” I joined in, even though I couldn’t sing for shit. I wanted to honor Jimmy. I wanted to give him the best sendoff that he could have.
“He would’ve liked this, you know?” Alessandro said, looking around. “People crying for him, singing. Just being here for him.”
“I know,” I said, nodding. “He was a good guy.”
“He was our brother,” Alessandro said. “We lost a good one.”
“We did.” I nodded, staring at him. “So where do we go from here?”
“What do you mean?” He asked, a wariness in his eyes that I felt. There was a new shift in power and while we’d waited our entire lives for this moment, it seemed to be too sudden.
“I’m the new Don, Alessandro. Don Antonio Marchesi, head of the Marchesi familigia. Where do we go from here?”
“Now’s not the day for us to talk about it.” He shook his head.
“You’re my underboss now, you know that, right?”
“Yippee,” he said. “Who’s going to be consigliere?”
“That we have to figure out. We can’t have another Tommasso Romano on our hands.”
“I know,” he said, shaking his head. “Serena doesn’t know what’s happened.”
“What do you mean?” I asked him.
“She thinks her dad’s in the Cayman Islands.” He shrugged. “I don’t know where she got that from.”
“Me either,” I said. “Inside. The bodies will have to show up.”
“Don’t worry about it, bro. I’ve got it.”
“You do?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah.”
“What has everyone been saying about Dad and Luisa?”
“A lot of people said they saw it coming.” He shrugged. “They said it was obvious Luisa’d been in love with him and that she was a little bit psycho. Everyone thought it would happen a lot earlier.”
“And his wife?”
“She’s already in France spending the money.” He shook his head. “She didn’t give a shit.”
“I don’t blame her,” I said.
“Me either. You think we should have a funeral for him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I only go to one funeral a year, and this one’s for Jimmy.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Dad doesn’t deserve any last rights. He doesn’t deserve a sendoff.”
“Sendoff to hell.” I chuckled. “You know he’s burning right now.”
“Yeah. He deserves it,” he said. “I don’t want to go that way, Antonio. I don’t want to follow in Dad’s footsteps.”
“We won’t,” I said. I looked up suddenly as I realized that the crowds of people were leaving the church.
“Antonio,” the priest said as he walked up to me, “we’ll make our way into the cemetery now, have him buried.”
“Sounds good. Thank you, Father.”
“Jimmy was a good one,” he said. “Known him since he was a little boy. Pity. I thought I’d marry him and Chris and his kids. Didn’t think I’d be burying him.”
“I know, Father,” I said, nodding, looking down.
“Well, I’ll expect a donation to the church?” he said.
“Of course.” We followed behind him outside of the church. I went and stood next to a tree as he said some passages and Jimmy’s casket was lowered into the ground. I could hear footsteps approaching me, but I didn’t turn to look. Then I smelled her. My beautiful, my darling, my wonderful lamb.
“Hi,” she said softly.
“Hi,” I said back, looking over and taking in her beautiful face. She straightened her hair, and it hung down her back. She wore a simple, long black dress, but it still clung to her body as if it were made for her. Her brown eyes looked up at me. I could still see the wetness of tears in them.
“It’s been a beautiful service.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I can’t really claim that I did much, but—”
“But it’s still nice,” she said.
“Thanks.”
“Jimmy was a really good guy,” she said. “He was funny.”
“He had his moments.” I nodded. “When he drove me home that day, he tried to make me feel better. He tried to make me feel better about you, and I was mean to him and snapped at him, but he wasn’t mean to me. He wasn’t cold.”
She let out a sigh. “He was a good guy. He just wanted to make you happy, I think.”
“He was my brother.” I nodded. “We grew up together. We were destined to be friends for life.”
“But he called you boss,” she said.
“He did, because of the hierarchy of the famiglia, but he knew he was my brother.”
“Are you okay?” she said softly. I turned to look at her and nodded.
“Thanks for asking.”
“Are you really okay, Antonio? I know it’s been a lot.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m ashamed of myself. I’ve got a lot of big decisions to make. I don’t know where the family goes from here. I don’t know where I go from here.” I shrugged. “It’s just a lot.”
“I get that,” she said.
“So, I hear Gia, Imogen, Elisabetta, and you are moving into a fancy apartment on the West Side.”
“Yeah.” She smiled. “We figured it would be nice to live together.”
“I wish you were moving in with me,” I said, and her face changed slightly. There was a look of contrition in her eyes, and I regretted what I’d said.
“I mean, if things would’ve been different, maybe you would’ve been my wife,” I said softly.
“Sometimes, I think about that.” She sounded like she was almost in a dream state, and I waited for her to continue. “Sometimes, I think what if I was part of your world and I’d gone to that ball in hopes of you marrying me and you’d chosen me because I was the one you wanted to be your wife, and then we’d gotten engaged and married and everything might have been different?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I think about, what if I was just a regular man and we were walking on the street and bumped into each other accidentally? And I said, ‘Do you come here often?’”
“What?” she said. “You’d asked me if I came here often if we bumped into each other on the street?”
“Hey, I don’t write romance books. I don’t have a way with words like that,” I said, chuckling. “I just thought wouldn’t it be nice if we were just two regular human beings?”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “It would’ve been nice.”
“I love you, Callie. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, the cold, calculated wolf.”
“Stop saying that about yourself. I think you’ve said that so many times about yourself that you want to believe it was true.” She grabbed my hand. “Remember when you told me you were a mole?”
“But I don’t want to be a mole any longer,” I said. “I want to be with you.” She gave me a small smile.
“You know, I believe you.”
“I’m glad you believe me, but do you feel the same?”
“I don’t know how to answer that, Antonio. I—”
“What? You want to be with Josh again or Troy or whatever other guy you’ve met in your dorm or on campus?”
“No,” she said. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I asked her softly. She took a deep breath and held her stomach.
“I might be pregnant,” she said. My eyes widened as I stared at her.
“What?”
“I haven’t had my period, and well, I kind of had unprotected sex with this man I know.”
“Oh, yeah?” I smirked. “Anyone I know?”
“I don’t know if you know him.”
I growled, grabbed her hand, and pulled her toward me. “Don’t tease me, Callie.”
“What are you going to do about it?” she said, looking up at me under furtive eyes.
“Are you teasing me?”
“Perhaps,” she said with a soft smile.
“So, if you’re pregnant, what does that mean?” I asked, hope running through me. I knew it was awful, but if she were pregnant and had the baby, she might agree to marry me. Maybe then I could get her to fall in love with me. Maybe then things could work out, maybe.
“I’m most probably not pregnant,” she said, shaking her head. “It could just be the shock. I looked online and—”
“Have you gone to a gynecologist? Have you taken a test?”
“No.” She licked her lips nervously. “I haven’t wanted to know just yet.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because if I found out I was, it would mean we’d have to have a conversation, and I wasn’t ready to speak to you just yet.”
“But you’re ready to speak to me now?”
“Maybe,” she said. “I still don’t think we’re good for each other, Antonio.”
“I know you don’t, but I think we were made for each other, Callie.”
“You think so?” she asked, her eyes lightening slightly as she gazed at me, and I nodded.
“I think that God created me and took out my rib and created you.” She burst out laughing.
“What are you trying to say, that we’re Adam and Eve?”
“No,” I said and chuckled. “I’m just saying that if God was a sculptor, he sculpted us out of the same piece of clay.”
“Yeah, maybe,” she said, and my heart pounded.
“Maybe?” I looked to her. “Does that mean you’re coming around?”
“It just means that maybe I have feelings for you as well, Antonio. Maybe that’s why I was a fool going back to you all the time.”
“Well, we could be two fools in love,” I said.
“We could be, or I could be a smart person and walk away and—”
“I don’t want you to walk away, Callie. I nearly lost you once. I couldn’t deal with not having you in my life.”
“I don’t know that I could deal with not having you in my life, either,” she said. “But we’re still connected and always will be.”
“Oh, the baby?” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“We don’t know if there’s a baby yet,” she said. “No. I mean Elisabetta.”
“Oh, yeah.” I smiled. “That’s kind of weird, huh?”
“A little, but there are weirder things in the world.”
“True,” I said. “How’s your mom?” I asked her softly.
“She’s doing okay. The therapist thinks that she’s making leaps and strides, and the nightmares have stopped.” She gave me a smile. “In fact, she is even thinking about trying to get a job soon.”
“A job. Didn’t I give them enough money? Do they need more? Do I—”
“No, it’s not about the money. You were very generous. Thank you, Antonio.”
“There’s not enough money in the world to give her for what she went through,” I said. “I’m deeply ashamed, and I swear to God, I had no idea, Callie. I swear to God, I had no idea.”
“I know,” she said.
“You do? You believe me?”
“I know who you are, Antonio.” She squeezed my hand. “I know you have a good heart. I know that you are a good man. I mean, I don’t think you’re the best man in the world.” She started laughing, and I shook my head. “But I know you have a heart, even though you tried to pretend that you didn’t when I first met you.”
“I have a heart, and it’s all yours.” I nodded. “You hold the key.”
“Then I’ll hold it very carefully,” she said. “And I’ll make sure I don’t lose it.”
My heart pounded as I stared into her eyes. “Can I give you a kiss?” I asked her softly. She looked back at me for a second, and I thought she was going to say no, but then she nodded and gave me a sweet smile.
“One kiss.” I leaned down, pressed my lips against hers, and it felt like an explosion of fireworks went off as soon as our lips met. I stepped back and gazed at her, awestruck. She smiled up at me.
“I do love you, Antonio. I’ve always loved you, and I don’t want you to think that the reason why I need this time and distance is because I don’t care. It’s not. We just have to make sure that, well, we can communicate and that it’s right.” My heart burst with happiness at her words.
“I love you, Callie. I can wait forever.”
“Really?” she said, raising an eyebrow. “Forever?”
“I mean, I hope you don’t make me wait forever, but if you do, I can.”
“Okay, let’s see,” she said. She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. “Going to go head back to Elisabetta and Gia. I’m sure they must be wondering what’s taking me so long.” She squeezed my hand. “But maybe we can grab a coffee next week or something.”
“I’d like that,” I said. “Thanks so much for coming.”
“He saved my life. There’s no way I would’ve missed it.” I watched as she walked away, and I felt a sense of contentment as I stood there under the tree. The priest finished his sermon, and people started leaving, but still, I stayed there. I stayed there for what felt like hours. There was no one in the cemetery any longer. I was by myself. Even Alessandro had gone. I walked over to Jimmy’s plot and knelt on the ground.
“Hey, Jimmy,” I said, speaking into the air. “I don’t know if you can hear me. I feel like a fucking idiot talking to no one, but I’m sure you’d tell me I’m a fucking idiot anyway.” I laughed at myself. “Why’d you have to die, Jimmy? Why’d you have to leave me here? I know you were honorable. I know you did it for me. You saved her life. I could never repay you for that, Jimmy. You were always there for me. You always cared for me more than you cared for yourself, and I took that for granted. I’ve taken so many things in life for granted.
“And I want you to know that I’m not going to do that anymore. I want you to know that it wasn’t in vain. I want you to know that you were right. I love her. I love her more than the stars in the sky. I love her more than the planets and the galaxy. I love her more than the ants that roam this earth. And I feel like I don’t even know who I am because I didn’t even believe in love. I didn’t even think I could feel this way about anyone. And when she looks at me, oh, Jimmy, when she looks at me, I feel like I could fall to the ground and kiss her feet.
“And when she smiles, my heart, it bursts into a million pieces, and I see fucking butterflies everywhere, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if she doesn’t take me back. And guess what, Jimmy? She might be fucking pregnant. Me, who said I never wanted to have kids? Me, who had a bastard of a father. I don’t even know what I’d be like as a dad, but you know what? If she’s pregnant, I want that fucking kid so bad. I want her to marry me, and I want to knock her up every year so we can have loads and loads of kids. And the first boy, we’re going to call him Jimmy after you.”
I could feel the tears running down my face as I sobbed. “I fucking miss you, Jimmy. I love you, bro. I love you. Thank you, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I fell forward and banged my fists on the ground, my eyes full of tears. I was angry, upset, and hurt, and I felt so many different emotions that I didn’t know how to process.
And then, like an angel from the sky above, I heard Jimmy’s voice. “Hey, boss, what are you doing crying?” I didn’t look up. I wanted to pretend he was right there next to me. “It’s okay, boss. You love her, and I love you, and you know I took an oath. I’ll protect you forever. But you got to fight for her boss. You got to win her. She loves you, and she’ll take you back. You just got to be patient, boss. Remember that. You’re the fucking wolf, and she’s a little lamb. Protect her, boss. The wolf scares the lamb. You got to back off. You can do it.” And with that, his voice was gone.