wednesday june 8th
stalag 14
Feet miraculously better. I am down to light bandages now!!
But even if I had no feet I would be walking on air…. hahahahahaha that is quite a good joke.
I said that to Jas.
“It’s a good joke, isn’t it, Jazzy Spazzy?”
She said, “What is?”
in the corridor
10:00 a.m.
Saw Wet Lindsay hahahaha. She glared at me and told me to hurry up to class. Hurry up yourself, Old Dumpee Thong.
five’s court
Emergency tactical meeting.
Rosie said, “‘Be prepared’ is always my motto.”
Ellen said, “I didn’t know you were a Girl Guide.”
Rosie said, “Didn’t you? Oh yes, Sven and I are keen Girl Guides, dib dib dib and so forth.”
The whole thing would have disintegrated into madnosity, so I quickly said, “So what do you think I should do? How shall I handle it? Do you think he is really going to take me out to dinner?”
After much consultation and nodding the gang have decided that we should have a mock date to prepare me for my date.
We are all going to meet round Ro Ro’s place on Saturday when her parents are at the cricket. We are going to practice for my hot date. There will be snacks. But no Sven. I had to beg and plead with Rosie.
She said, “He would be vair vair useful, he could give us the boy point of view.”
I said, “Couldn’t he give you the boy point of view and then you pass it on to me? Or will you just snog all day in front of us? Also he is bound to smash something to smithereens.”
Rosie has reluctantly agreed to ban him.
at home
6:00 p.m.
I am dying to tell Dave the Laugh.
Phoned him when the olds went out to a parents’ evening for Libby at the local school. Surely no school is going to take her on. She has been forbidden to sing the “Bum Arse Song” and is not allowed to take Gordy. I still think it was a mistake to let her wear her leopard outfit because a) it is for a child half her size and b) she becomes a leopard in it. But you can’t tell people.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Dave the Laugh.
I called him. I hope my best friend Rachel is not there.
Dave answered.
“Hello, sensation seeker.”
“Dave, it’s me. Something vair vair great and bonne has happened. I am going on a date with Masimo; he came round on his scooter and asked my dad if he could take me to dinner. He asked my dad if he could take me to dinner!!!”
Dave said, “What an amazing bunch of crawlers the Italians are.”
“Dave!!! Don’t you get it? He has asked me out! I am going out with him!”
Dave said, “Well, I’m glad for you, Sex Kitty, but remember what I said. He may be playing the field. He may just be blowing his Cosmic Horn.”
He sounded a bit funny.
“You sound a bit funny, Dave, are you alright?”
Dave said, “Well, not really, I had to finish with Rachel.”
Finish with Rachel? I said, “Why? I mean, she’s so…Well, she is so, you know…Isn’t she?”
Blimey, I have turned into Ellen.
Dave said, “It just wasn’t right. But anyway, she is very upset, she’s just gone actually, she came round and cried and I feel pretty bad.”
I said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”
But actually I am not sorry at all. After I had rung off I told Jas that, because she was my next phone call. It’s not often I get a telephone window of opportunity in my house, so I am packing all my calls in.
Jas said, “Why are you bothered who Dave goes out with? He is not in your harem or anything. And another thing: Rachel was nice, not like you.”
God, she can be annoying. I wish I hadn’t called her now, especially as she did that “Guess how many minutes it is until Tom gets home?” thing again.
saturday june 11th
2:00 p.m.
All the gang gathered at Rosie’s for my practice date.
Rosie said she would be Masimo and the rest of them would watch and be judges.
2:10 p.m.
Rosie went off to her bedroom. She said, “I am going to be Masimo, so I have to get in the mood for luuurve.”
She came back five minutes later wearing a false beard with a banana down her jeans.
I said, “Why have you got a banana down your jeans?”
Rosie said, “It was Sven’s suggestion. He said it is representative of the pant python.”
Ellen said, “I, er…do you mean like a boy’s, er, well…”
Rosie said, “Exactomondo, my little pally.”
Jas said to me, “OK, let’s get on, because I have to get home earlyish. It’s only ninety-nine hours till Tom gets home and I must prepare myself. What will you do when you first see him?”
She pointed to Rosie, who was walking in a very peculiar way and waggling her beard.
“There he is tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do?”
I said, “Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.”
Jools said, “What does it say in the How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You book?”
Mabs was officially in charge of the book, so she looked up “first impressions.”
3:00 p.m.
I have to hip wiggle up to him. Look at him, look away, fiddle with my hair and do a bit of flicking. If I have any spare time I need to lick my lips a bit.
Mabs said, “The book says you should say something light and interesting to start the conversation. Also if he says anything funny you have to laugh like the proverbial drain.”
I did hip wiggle, flicky, licky over to Rosie. Whilst the rest of them sat looking and chewing. Rosie said (in what she imagines is an Italian accent but actually sounds like a fool), “Ciao.”
I said, “Ciao. Er, prego.”
“Ciao.”
All the gang were ogling me.
I said, “Masimo, did you know that the Spartans…you know, in the old days of Sparta, which is quite nearish to Italy…”
Rosie had pretended to fall asleep. She said, “Get on with it.”
I said, “Well, they used to keep teenage boys half-starved so that they had to go out and steal food, and if they got caught they would beat them to within an inch of their lives.”
They all just looked at me.
Mabs said, “Do you call that light and interesting?”
I do, actually. That is the deep sadnosity of my life; I find it vair difficult to be as superficial as others.
Jools said, “Think of something that he is interested in, think of something to do with Rome or something.”
I tried again.
“Did you know that the Pope has people who watch him poo to make sure he is a bloke and not a woman, because of Pope Joan?”
Rosie said, “You are not, as such, getting the hang of this, are you?”
an hour later
I am allowed to mention music, the weather or something to do with him.
I said, “Yeah, but all I know about him is that I fancy the arse off him.”
5:00 p.m.
After four packets of reviving Pringles we have managed to decide on:
“Ciao, great to see you.”
And:
“What a fine evening.”
Providing there is not a torrential downpour, which would make me a fool.
Now on to the meal.
Essentially I have to pretend to eat a lot but not really eat anything in case I choke to death.
Jas said, “You could have a nourishing soup but don’t do that slurping thing that you do.”
I said, “What slurping thing?”
Jas said, “Oh, I can’t go in to it now, I have to be off. I am just saying don’t do it.”
And she went off.
How annoying is she?
6:00 p.m.
I have to listen to him a LOT.
Jools said, “And when you laugh, don’t do your ad hoc laughing and let your nose spread all over your face.”
6:30 p.m.
Then we got on to the snogging bit.
I said, “Do you think Italians snog the same as English boys?”
Rosie said, “I don’t know if they do anything different with their tongues or what their ear work is like. You will have to give us a complete and full report. What number will you let him go up to on the first date?”
“I thought No. Six—a kiss lasting over three minutes without a break suggests deep sensuality without going that little bit too far into acting like a tart.”
Then Rosie said, “Finally, as you haven’t had any snogging practice for a while, try an experimental snog on the back of my leg.”
What???
Absolutely not, not a snowball’s chance in hell.
No and three times NO.
6:45 p.m.
On my knees snogging the back of Rosie’s leg whilst the ace gang watch me.
Why am I doing this?
Rosie was shouting instructions.
“Yes, yes, that’s good. Good. And breathe. Too much teeth!! Too much teeth!!! A bit more sucky. Flicky tongue and…finish.”
Good grief.
Have you ever snogged the back of someone’s leg? Someone who is one of your mates and is wearing a false beard? Well, I hope you never have to—that is all I am saying.
7:00 p.m.
I said as I was leaving: “Do you think I should ask him what his intentions are vis-à-vis Old Thongy?”
Mabs said, “I think you should act as if she doesn’t exist and just find a way to subtly undermine her.”
Hmmm. Good advice.
We are indeedy the Wise Women of the Forest of Snog.
monday june 13th
english
2:00 p.m.
I have never laughed so much in my entire life. Today we had our first full rehearsal of MacUseless.
And what is even more vair vair amusing is that the Foxwood boys came to the rehearsal and Dave the Laugh was one of them.
The whole production is bound for the history books of life. Dave and the lads were bused in to the school and it was absolute pandemonium. Every girl in the school got up from their desk and started waving and screeching out the windows as the lads trooped across the playground. Hawkeye and her special stormtroopers threatened us with embalming, beheading, etc., but no one paid any attention.
Those of us in the play went down to the main hall for our usual tongue lashing from the enormous bee woman (Slim).
The boys were all together at the back when we came in. As I passed by her, Hawkeye said, “Georgia Nicolson, are you wearing mascara?”
I said, “It’s for the bright lights, Miss Heaton. If you don’t wear eye makeup the audience can’t see the expression, and that actually detracts from the emotional impact of…”
She said, “Shut up.”
Then she picked on Ellen.
“Ellen, why are you wearing lip gloss?”
“It’s for the play, Miss Heaton.”
“Oh yes, and what part are you playing?”
When Ellen said she was a witch she was made to go to the loos and take off her lip gloss.
When Slim took to the stage, the lads started softly singing.
“‘Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies?’”
Slim was shaking like a loon on shaking tablets.
“That’s enough. Silence! I expect grown-up behavior from all of you—you are being given the opportunity to show us that our trust in you is not misplaced. I know that I can rely on you all to act with decorum and maturity.”
And that is when the first stink bomb went off.
backstage
Mr. Attwood, our part-time caretaker and full-time loon, is having a spaz attack to end all spaz attacks. He was up near the roof fixing some lights to the lighting bar and one of the lads removed his ladder.
Dave seems to have cheered up even though he has broken Rachel’s heart allegedly. I said kindly, “She’ll get over it.”
Dave said, “As I have said many many times, Georgia, you are all heart. Are you going to be wearing a skimpy skirt and tights for your part as MacDuff?”
And I said, “Why, was MacDuff a transvestite?”
And Dave said, “Yes.”
He is on “lights,” which essentially means he hangs about backstage flirting and causing mayhem and then switches a light on at the beginning. And he even did that at the wrong time.
3:15 p.m.
Hanging around backstage with the lads and Dave the Laugh.
I have laughed so much that I almost forgot about Masimo. I told Dave about the fact that the Hamburgese, bless them, call knickers “panties,” and it has entranced Dave beyond measure. He doesn’t seem as heartbroken as he should be considering he has callously dumped his girlfriend.
3:20 p.m.
Dave has started this “pants” business, which he won’t stop, and has given me an awful stitch. I cannot stop laughing. Miss Wilson is clearly going to kill me soon, but I can’t stop. Essentially, he substitutes “pants” for everything and it is vair vair amusant indeed. For instance, when everyone was onstage doing the battle scene he started singing “Onward Christian Soldiers,” but he introduced “pants” as a subtheme. So the lyrics in his pants land are “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the PANTS of Jesus going on before.” Although, as I pointed out, the American version would be “with the PANTIES of Jesus going on before.”
3:30 p.m.
“The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS.”
3:33 p.m.
Nauseating P. Green is doubling up her roles. She is my wife and also in charge of munitions.
3:35 p.m.
Well, when I say in charge of munitions, she has got a starting pistol thing that is going to be used for sound effects for the battle scenes. Also she has some bangers that she will be letting off backstage with Spotty Norman as her co-idiot.
Miss Wilson told us that the first production of a Shakespants play, in 1613, ended when a cannon used in the production set the thatched roof on fire and the theater burned to the ground. So we can always hope for the best.
3:37 p.m.
Mr. Attwood has got his fire buckets at the ready so there is every chance of a conflagration. It would be a fitting end to his school career to be present when it burned down.
3:50 p.m.
Does anyone remember the world-renowned orange-juggling scene in MacUseless? No? Well, there is one in our production. Miss Wilson says it adds color to the play. Hmmmm. How mad is she? It is during the banquet scene, when MacUseless is planning to kill the other MacScottish person. She has got Melanie Griffiths and Mabs (who are trees in the later scene) to do the juggling.
They are vair vair useless at it but she has promised them they can wear false mustaches.
I said to Dave, “I am worried about Melanie’s nungas. I hope there is no unfortunate mix-up in the juggling bits.”
You should see Spotty Norman and the other youth hanging around every time she is onstage, pretending to coil up electric cable and so on just so they can ogle her nungas.
Even Dave was watching her as oranges flew everywhere. He said, “That girl certainly has got a couple of areas of outstanding natural beauty. I hope they are adequately protected.”
4:30 p.m.
As we left school Dave the Laugh walked along with us. He had his arm round me. It felt really, erm, friendly. Although as it was Dave, his hand did sort of casually drift onto my nunga. I had to give him a stern warning.
It obviously affected him because as he went off to his house he gave me a kiss on the mouth (!) and said, “S’later.”
Hmmmmmm.
home
Mum and Vati, Libbs and the furry freaks, have gone out on a clown-car expedition.
Excellent.
Time to phone Masimo.
Put on my lippy gloss and a bit of mascara.
Right, here goes.
Better change out of my school uniform and put something gorgey but casual on.
Right, here goes.
Are boy entrancers going a bit far?
Right, here goes.
“Jas.”
“What?”
“I’m going to phone Masimo.”
“Good. Good-bye.”
“Jas.”
“What? Look, it’s only twenty-four hours until Tom gets back and I—”
“OK, chocks away, Jas. I’m going in.”
Right, this is it. He has asked me out, so that must mean he wants me to go out with him. Unless the number he gave me was a safety-deposit box number or his idea for a lottery number. Uh-oh, my brain has wandered off to Madland. Better get a grip.
Light, cheerful with a hint of Eastern promise—that is what I must be.
Should I break the ice with a joke?
Yes, yes, that is a good idea.
I’ll just say, “Ciao, Masimo, it’s me, Georgia. Hey, what is black and lies on top of the water shouting ‘knickers’?” He will say in his lovely accent. “Non capisco, Georgia, what is black and lies on top of the aqua shouting ‘knickers’?” And I will say “Crude oil,” and he will laugh and I will laugh and it will be…er…a laughathon.
Good, good, excellent. And I will leave Sparta and Pope Joan out of it completely.
And pants.
Phoned the number.
Oh, noooooo, it was ringing. He might answer it. Ohhhhnoooo.
I slammed the phone down.
Calm calm calmy calm calm.
I was just about to try again, when the phone rang.
I picked it up and said, “Look, can you get off the phone? I am just about to make a very important phone call.”
And Masimo said, “Georgia? Have you call me?”
Ohbloodyblimey.
I forgot about telling him the joke and made up some ludicrous story about me just having rung him when the doorbell rang and it was people collecting for Overseas Pants. I don’t know why I said that. I just had pants on the brain from Dave the Laugh.
Anyway I don’t think he understood me because he still wants to go out with me.
It was gorgey and fabby to speak to him.
He has got a lovely voice on the phone.
He is going to meet me tomorrow at 7:30 at a little Italian restaurant that he knows.
Biennissimo!!!
tuesday june 14th
The day dragged by. I started my makeup in double French. I could only risk nail varnish because if Madame Slack saw a hint of panstick it would be off to the guillotine for me.
Ran home.
5:00 p.m.
Operation Go on a Date with a Luuurrve God and Not Make a Complete and Utter Prat of Myself.
My feet thankfully seem to be their normal selves again.
Dithering around in my room. The phone has rung about forty million times from the ace gang asking me what I am wearing. “Not much” is the answer because I am too busy answering the phone.
6:30 p.m.
I can’t dither around for much longer. For once my hair is quite nearly not useless and I think my boots and skirt look good together. My feet fit into the boots as well, which is a plus.
I went downstairs as quietly as I could but the mad committee were all there to see me off. All lined up by the door. Even Angus has come in from his canoodling with Naomi. He was in the kitchen coughing and choking and looking like he was being sick. Then I noticed that was because he had a frog in his mouth that he was trying to eat. How disgusting and mad is that? It was still alive as well.
Mum got into her usual position on the table and screamed at Dad to chase him out. Gordy tried to snack on it and Angus just biffed him over the head. I took the opportunity to sneak out.
7:30 p.m.
I was sooooo nervy as I arrived at the restaurant. He was outside waiting for me. He is the best-looking person I have ever seen. Why would he like me? Maybe he feels sorry for me?
Maybe he is a Christian and he thinks I am a bit mentally subnormal.
Yes, that might be it.
He smiled at me when he saw me and suddenly I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. He said, “You came, I am so glad and happy.”
He held the door open for me. It was very like what I imagine a grown-up feels like. The owner of the restaurant came over and said, “Good evening, Masimo, come esta?”
And they chatted in Italian. Then we went to our table. I sat down without smashing the chair to smithereens, which is a good start.
ten minutes later
We have ordered our food and I think I very nearly haven’t said anything too mad. Or maybe it is because Masimo doesn’t speak English well enough to know that I am being a fule.
twenty minutes later
Then I inadvertently started the pants scenario again. I am going to have to kill Dave the Laugh. The Pantsmeister. Stopit stopit.
Masimo said, “My home, my family, is Verona. So beautiful, I would like you to see it one day. It is where Romeo and Juliet was set.”
I was chomping on pizza as he was talking. I was doing quite well, cutting it up very small so that I didn’t have any bits falling out of my mouth, but then I momentarily broke my vow of sanity and quoted from Romeo and Juliet. I said, “Oh, I love Rom and Jul, especially that bit when he compares her to the moon—you know, when he sees her and says ‘But soft, what PANTS through yonder window breaks.’”
And then I started honking and snorting with laughter. Oh nooooooo.
Fortuntely Masimo laughed as well. Not in a “quickly I’ll get to the phone and someone keep her talking” sort of way. In a nice way. Like he really likes me.
an hour later
The meal was amazingly alright. I find him really easy to talk to. He is sort of in between Dave and the guitar plucker. I don’t tell as many jokes and silliness with him as I do with Dave, but I don’t get all tongue-tied and full of ludicrosity like I did with the guitar plucker.
I realized I was having a lovely time. I said a little inward thank-you prayer to Our Lord Sandra.
Then the snoggosity tension began to build. He touched my hand and looked into my eyes. His amber eyes have got little flecky bits of deeper yellow in them. Oh blimey, we were doing sticky eyes. I could feel my brain trickling out of my head.
He said, “Your eyes, they are like a pussy cat that has drunk vino tinto.”
So is that a good or bad thing?
I took it as good and tried to keep any image of cross-eyed Gordy out of my mind.
He paid for our pizzas and then he said, “Would you like to walk? It is a nice night. We could look at the stars together.”
I resisted saying “Twinkle twinkle little PANTS.”
We walked along to the edge of town and onto the back fields. It was a lovely soft evening, and as we walked he said, “Are you freddo…?”
Oh dear God, he wasn’t going to talk about elves and hobbits, like boys did, was he? But no then he said, “I am sorry, I mean are you, er, in English, cold?”
I said, “Well, I…”
And he put his arm around me.
I was almost fainting with anticipation. My whole body was on high snog alert. I wondered what he would do next. He said, “Look, caro, a shooting star.”
And we saw a shooting star. I wished very hard in my head for world peace, and to get to No. Six.
And it happened!!!
Not world peace, obviously, although you never know.
When I looked up at the shooting star he put his hand on my chin and gently turned my head toward his. Then he kissed me like he did the first time we saw each other. Just a little soft kiss. Like Jas’s lezzie aunts kiss. I thought, “Oh no, here we go again onto the rack of love.” But then he kissed me again. A bit harder this time. It was soooo fab and groovy and gorge. I accidentally began singing that famous song from The Sound of Music in my brain, “The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS.” Shut up, brain. And get out of my brain, Julie Andrews, you snog people in leather shorts if you like. As my brain was burbling on to itself, Masimo changed his snogging technique. He began kissing my neck with little soft kisses. From the bit near my earlobes right down to near my collar bone and then back to my mouth. Wow and wowzee wowow. I turned into melted-neck girl. I don’t know how long we were out there in the field. And for one of the first times in my life my brain froze. I actually stopped thinking and just felt things. Oo-er. You see now I have started thinking again but I didn’t whilst he was kissing me.
He ran his hands through my hair. His lips were really soft and sort of firm at the same time. He was talking softly in Italian to me. And every now and again he would look at me in the eyes. It was a bit like being hypnotised but in a nice way.
We should put sticky eyes on the snogging scale, I think, because it’s vair vair nice and groovy and full of the spirit of red bottomosity.
I felt like all the blood had drained out of my body and I would have stayed there all night attached to his mouth. Then he nip libbled!! He could do nip libbling!!! Dave wasn’t the only one who could do it. It was so nice and felt so good that I even had the courage to nip libble him, just a little mousey nibble but a nibble nonetheless. And he liked it. He did that moaney thing. Officially, in my How to Make Any Fool Love You it is the girl who is supposed to do the moaney stuff, but live and let snog, I say. We didn’t bang teeth or anything.
It was like a mouth dance. And I was Missvair-goodatmouthdancing!!! And then it happened…No. 6!
He put just the tip of his tongue in my mouth; it was really sweet. I felt so full of luuurve for him that I put my tongue in his mouth a little bit. And our tongues touched!!! They were snogging as well!!! When you describe it it doesn’t sound like it would be very nice, but it is. Perhaps that is why Angus and Gordy put the tips of their tongues out, because they know how sexy tongue-touching can be.
No, on second thoughts, I know that they put their tongues out because they are idiot cats.
I was liking the kissing so much that I didn’t even think about breathing. I had acquired David Blaineness. I could very possibly not breathe for weeks if the Luuurve God was kissing me. But then he stopped. Boooooo, stop stopping!!! He said, “Come, Georgia, I must take you home. Your father will like it.”
Bollocks to my vati. I wanted more snogging!!
I said, “What time is it? Er, I mean Che ora per favore.”
Masimo gave me a big kiss on my cheek.
“Grazie mille for speaking my language. Dieci ora.”
I said, “Ah. Good. Er, buono. Yes marveloso all round.”
He said, “You don’t know what that is in time, do you?”
“No.”
“It is ten o’clock.”
Phwoar, we had been snogging for almost two hours. Yesss!!! I bet we had even outsnogged Rosie and Sven.
I said, “Vati said I didn’t really have to be in especially at any time tonight. In fact, he said if I wanted to stay out all night that was fine by him.”
Masimo put his arm round me. It felt fabby to be held by his lovely armio.
“Georgia, I don’t think that you are a fibber but maybe…just maybe you are insane.”
Then he laughed.
“Come on, bad girl. I take you home, your papa is pleased, he thinks I am the good guy, then we go out lots more, no?”
We walked home, stopping every few steps for more snogging. Unfortunately we didn’t bump into anyone that I knew. Drat!!! Mind you, every girl that we passed gawped at Masimo. Shut up, gawpers, he is mine all mine mineio. I think.
I hadn’t mentioned the Wet Lindsay scenario. In fact, I hadn’t really asked him anything about girlfriends even though I am dying to know. He asked me about the guitar plucker though.
He said, “And how do you feel about Robbie now? Do you still like him?”
Hmm. This called for diplomosity with just a hint of caringosity. Under no circumstances did I want him to think I was a minx who just picked up boys and tossed them aside…oo-er.
I said, “I like him as a friend now; he plays the guitar in streams.”
Masimo looked at me and said, “I understand.”
Which is a plus. And a surprise, actually, as I certainly don’t make any sense to myself.
He kissed me at the gate, and he did that varying pressure thingy, and a quick kiss under my earlug…phwoar…and then he sort of shook his shoulders and sighed and said, “Okay, caro, now we are sensible and good. Sad for me.”
He took my hand and led me to my door and rang the bell. Vati came and answered the door. Oh blimey, he was Il Ministrone again. He NEVER smokes cigars but he happens to be smoking one now. AGAIN. Also he has semi-proper trousers on, not his joggerbums, which make him look like Porkman.
He said, “Well, good, fine. Well, did you have a pleasant evening?”
I was about to say, “What in the name of arse has it got to do with you?”
But Masimo shook his hand!! And he said, “Buonos noches, Mr. Nicolson, here is your lovely daughter home safe.”
He turned to me and kissed my hand and said, “Thank you for a lovely evening. Arriverderci till the next time.”
Vati went back indoors shouting out: “Arriverderci then.” He really does think we are in The Sopranos. He’ll start having his mates “rubbed out” soon.
As I went through the door I looked after Mr. Gorgeous. He turned round and winked at me and blew me a kiss. And he said, “Subito.”
In bed. The bed of the Luuurve Goddess.
He said “Subito” to me.
How fab is that?
later
Actually I don’t know how fab it is, as I don’t know what it means.
ten minutes later
Something to do with submarines? I’ll have to look it up in my Idiot’s Guide to Italian.
fifteen minutes later
It means “soon.”
That’s a bit like “later,” isn’t it?
Oh dear God.
wednesday june 15th
Walking along with Jas trying to get a word in edgeways with Mrs. Mad.
Tom is back on a flight at 6:15 P.M. That is 6:15. Do you get it? Not 6:00 P.M. but 6:15 P.M. And do you know how many minutes that is? I do. I have also become a Time Lord.
Jas was actually SKIPPING as we went along to Stalag 14. Dear Gott in Himmel, I have got a lamb as a mate.
She was saying, “OOOoooohhh, I am soooooo excited.”
“Yes, I know you are. Look, can I just tell you about Masimo?”
“Do you think he will go home first and drop his bag off or come straight round to mine? I wonder what kind of pressies he has brought me from Kiwi-a-gogo land.”
Hopeless trying to talk to her.
break
Ace gang meeting.
They all—apart from Jas, who has gone off to the woods to “think”…I laughed at first when she said that, but then I realized she was serious—anyway, what was I saying before, oh, yes the whole ace gang wanted to know about my date.
Rosie said, “So dish the goss. What are our Pizza-a-gogo friends like in the snogging department?”
“Absobloodylutely fabby fab and marv.”
Mabs said, “Really?”
“Yep, he did nip libbling, neck nuzzling, tongues, etc.”
Ellen said, “Did he, you know, I mean did he…”
I said, “Yep.”
Which seemed to satisfy her.
As the bell went Rosie said, “So when are you seeing him again? I mean is he the official boyfriend now?”
Hmmmmm. Good point, well made.
last period
The Foxwood lads over again for MacUseless. Dave smiled at me when he ambled in. Ellen immediatedly dashed off to the loos to apply more lippy.
I want to tell him about Masimo, but before I could go and chat to him, Miss Wilson came in to give us her official loon-on-loon tablets address.
Ellen came in all tarted up and red and sat down near Dave.
Miss Wilson said, “Now then, let us get on with the production in the professional manner that I know you are all capable of.”
3:30 p.m.
The witches were making so much racket doing their improvised dance round the fire bit that Hawkeye was attracted into rehearsals. She shouted at them from the door.
“Stop that idiotic prancing around immediately.”
Rosie said, “It’s our improvised witches’ dance, Miss Heaton.”
“I don’t care what it is, I can hear it in the science lab.”
I said to Miss Wilson after she had stormed off, “I don’t think Miss Heaton quite appreciates the beauty of the Swan of Avon, Miss Wilson.”
Rosie said, “You should tell her that you used to go out with him in the Olden days.”
Miss Wilson started getting all flustered.
“Now, don’t be silly, Rosie, of course I did not go out with William Shakespeare…”
Dave joined in.
“Why didn’t he want to go out with you? Was he too busy or something? The Devil makes work for idle PANTS?”
Then it was quite literally all pants from then on.
Miss Wilson finally called it a day when I said, “MacDuff was from his mother’s PANTS untimely ripped.”
As we got our stuff from the cloakroom Mabs said, “I saw Rachel in town and she is really really upset about her and Dave breaking up.”
Ellen has been mooning around him in rehearsal. He’s been quite nice to her, actually. I wonder if I would mind if he went out with her. I should as a great mate be really pleased if he did go out with her, but…anyway.
Ellen and Dave were by the gates as we ambled out to go home. I am in such a good mood. Maybe Dave and she should go out again.
As I watched them Dave gave her a little kiss on her cheek and she went bright red. You could tell even from about two hundred yards away, and then Ellen tripped off home.
Dave looked after her and then turned round and leaned on the gate. He was chatting to girls as they filed past him. He is a big flirt.
It was just Jas and me walking home because Rosie was off to see Sven for a quick four-hour snog in the woods and Mabs and Jools were going shopping.
Dave came with us as we walked along. I said to him, “Pantsmaster, can I tell you about Masimo?”
Dave looked at me.
“Am I going to be able to stop you?”
As we were walking along Jas was saying, “Stop walking so slowly, you lot. Oh, I can’t stand this.”
And she started running. She yelled at us, “I’ve only got two hours to do my makeup for Tom, coz he likes me just natural.”
What is she talking about? As we watched her bottom disappear into the dusk, Dave said, “It’s nice, really, isn’t it, to be that simple?”
“What? You would like to be as stupid as Jas?”
“No, I mean Jas and Tom. They just like each other and that is it, no sign of the Cosmic Horn or red bottomosity.”
I could feel things getting a bit philosophical and I wanted to talk about snogging.
“Dave, I was going to ask you about Mas—”
Dave said, “What if you were really meant to be with someone? But you kept messing about and having the Horn and so on and you lost them.”
Oh brilliant, Dave the Laugh was having one of his unlaugh moments.
Bugger, he had gone all girly. I was going to have to talk about his stuff before I was allowed to get on to the interesting stuff about me and the Italian Stallion.
I said really quickly, “Look, I’m sure that if you went back to Rachel she would forgive you, she is remarkably stup…er…stupendously nice.”
Dave looked at me and said, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
“Oh, you mean Ellen, she would have you back tomorrow. She has no pridenosity.”
He said, “You great kittykat loonie. I am talking about you and me.”
“Don’t be daft.”
Dave didn’t say anything, and then he said, “The bigger the PANTS, the harder they fall.”
What?