THEY CALL HIM SCARFACE BECAUSE HE’S SAD

I knew I had gotten older

when I noticed women no longer

wore bras, which

didn’t happen until my eyes

began slowly lightening with wrinkles,

though not in my eyes

was I old,

nor could I see myself as 40

and still in college. Yet,

there I was, and so was

Aaliyah when she sang.

Only in youth

do we sing certain notes, only when

age ain’t nothing but a number. I remember

when age’s days

felt numbered. That’s when

I got older,

but, my family joked,

my girlfriends never did.

Now, they just want me to get a job,

then a wife.

In the movie Scarface, Tony Montana said

you get the money,

the power, then women. Admittedly, I’m usually

out of order. I once

went back to Cali

and came home to no

power. I called my landlord and told her

a circuit had broken;

when we discovered it hadn’t, she wasn’t

impressed. My first book’s

initial page

is impressed. But I didn’t

make any money

off that. Scratch is slang for

money, and I lament the fact

that I’ve never sniffed a cent

of scratch. Vaginas are considered

the original wound, and God cursed

the descendants of Eve

with painful childbirth

and menstruation

for being out of pocket.

In medieval paintings,

Jesus’s wounds are often depicted

as little vaginas.

I have gotten

a lot of wound.

The etymology of vagina comes

from the idea

of a sword being sheathed

in Latin, but also,

in English, from the word

vanilla.

Not from going without

does healing come

but from going within.

I once spent a whole

month in my apartment

drinking liquor

and smelling the lingering

smoke of my fingers.

If I hadn’t already lost my job,

I would have lost my job.

I cried a lot that month,

then stopped drinking,

which made it hard to date.

She told me

she was going to date

and said I should too.

That’s how I found out

about the great

American bra

depression

in the summer of 2015.