Why Does Dad Stay in the Basement?
PERVERTS, PREDATORS AND GOOFBALLS, OH MY!
Deeply embedded in my unconscious was the notion that all men are potential predators. That there is something inherently creepy to being born male. Logically, I don’t buy this. Painting all men as potential predators makes guys feel bad about being guys and ladies feel distrustful. It’s an unfair thought that reinforces bad behavior. I know I wouldn’t feel good if half of the population were constantly eyeing me sideways. But as long as I had a female therapist and a lady adjusting my warrior pose, it was easy not to think too much about it.
—Rachel Rabbit White at The Frisky blog, talking about why she is afraid of men1
Unfortunately many women, like White above, are afraid of men. This fear and even outright loathing of men has worked its way into the public realm and men are often looked at by society as perverts, possible predators and, at best, bumbling goofball dads relegated to the basement where they can’t cause too much trouble. How did this happen? Why did men let it happen? These are good questions, and, as this chapter unfolds, I will attempt to answer them.
According to Kathleen Parker, author of Save the Males, “historians aren’t sure of the precise date, but sometime around 1970, everyone in the United States drank acid-laced Kool-Aid, tie-dyed their brains, and decided fathers were no longer necessary.”2 Not only have many Western societies decided fathers aren’t necessary, they have decided that most men are perverts, predators or goofballs who should be monitored in public and private spheres. So widespread is the problem of men being viewed as predators that a man can’t even sit on an airline anymore without potentially being called out as a pervert:
A businessman is suing British Airways over a policy that bans male passengers from sitting next to children they don’t know—even if the child’s parents are on the same flight.
Mirko Fischer has accused the airline of branding all men as potential sex offenders and says innocent travelers are being publicly humiliated.
In line with the policy, BA cabin crew patrol the aisles before take-off checking that youngsters traveling on their own or in a different row from their parents are not next to a male stranger.
If they find a man next to a child or teenager they will ask him to move to a different seat. The aircraft will not take off unless the passenger obeys. . . .
Mr. Fischer, who lives in Luxembourg with his wife and their daughter Sophia, said: “This policy is branding all men as perverts for no reason. The policy and the treatment of male passengers is absolutely outrageous.”
“A plane is a public place—cabin crew regularly walk down the aisles and passengers are sat so close to each other. The risk of any abuse is virtually zero.”3
Good for Fischer for going after British Airways and making them sorry that they treated him and his fellow men as a bunch of perverts, but this should never have been allowed to happen in the first place. And surely he isn’t the first guy this has happened to. What about the others? Did they just passively move their seat to another in the back of the plane? Perhaps you think this is not that big of a deal. Who wants to sit next to a kid anyway? However, the idea that companies and the public can so easily discriminate against men on a major airline is troubling, to say the least.
The culture is full of these negative stereotypes about men, and people toss them around without a care, kind of like White in the quote at the beginning of this chapter. White may think she is keeping her thoughts of men in her subconscious, but this distrust comes out in ways that permeate the culture and affect men’s behavior. If people are afraid or upset about something to do with women, they keep it to themselves. Men are fair game and the stakes are high: One wrong move and a man could be looking at jail time or being placed on a sex offender registry.
However, the cost to society of portraying men in this manner is high. Because men are afraid to engage in many areas of public life and work, especially those that involve children, kids have fewer and fewer role models and can end up harmed or worse, dead. “A poll conducted by a NCH, a children’s charity, and volunteer group Chance UK, has identified what they believe is the reason so many charities are struggling to recruit men to work with children. Turns out, many men are afraid of being labeled as pedophiles.”4
Two-year-old Abigail Rae died by drowning in a village pond in England. Her death stirred a debate because “the ongoing inquest revealed an explosive fact. A man passing by was afraid to guide the lost child to safety because he feared being labeled ‘a pervert.’ ”5
The man’s name was Clive Peachey, and his actions were the topic of a lively debate. Though it is terrible, can you really blame him for walking away? Some people did, mostly women, but they should try living in a man’s shoes for a while and they also might go on strike where interactions with minors are concerned. As author Wendy McElroy said about this case, “child abuse must be addressed but it is worse than folly to punish those who help children. Our society is creating Clive Peachey—decent men who will walk away from a child in need. Abby Rae died not only from drowning but also from bad politics.”6
These high-profile cases cause other men to avoid children who aren’t their own for fear that they will be accused of who knows what. But there are times when a man is just out in his car minding his own business when he comes head to head with a minor, even though he didn’t mean to do so. Wendy McElroy explains:
Last summer, an Illinois man lost an appeal on his conviction as a sex offender for grabbing the arm of a 14-year-old girl. She had stepped directly in front of his car, causing him to swerve in order to avoid hitting her.
The 28-year-old Fitzroy Barnaby jumped out his car, grabbed her arm and lectured her on how not to get killed. Nothing more occurred. Nevertheless, that one action made him guilty of “the unlawful restraint of a minor,” which is a sexual offense in Illinois. Both the jury and judge believed him. Nevertheless, Barnaby went through years of legal proceedings that ended with his name on a sex offender registry, where his photograph and address are publicly available. He must report to authorities. His employment options are severely limited; he cannot live near schools or parks.7
I was once in California many years ago as a teenager and was riding a bike on a sidewalk on a busy road and fell in front of a car. The man in the car almost hit me and his adrenaline was high. He did the same thing as Barnaby; he grabbed my arm and yelled at me to be more careful. He was visibly shaken and was probably just upset that he had been placed in a position where he could have killed me. I was grateful for the warning and didn’t ride a bike on such a busy street again. The guy did me a favor. Now a guy like that is taken to court and charged as a sex offender. It’s more than pathetic; it should be criminal.
When men hear about cases like this, they understandably react with fear and withdrawal. This is not really a strike, per se, but more of a reluctant retreat. At a parent’s site called Parent Dish, men shared their feelings of vulnerability when it came to interacting with kids.8
Iggy writes in:
I as a male am afraid to be around little children, I have one on the way, but up until now I have been without kids and I will be 31 this year. Just recently at a family function on my wife’s side, her stepmom invited some of her family to the function and I was SHOCKED when one of the little girls that had been clinging to me all day came up to me and said “My mom said I can’t play with you any more cause she doesn’t know what you’ll do to me.” I took this very hard because for one, I love kids, and for some reason they love me. I am a volunteer firefighter and always the first one to sign up to do safety talks with the kids and just this one instance set me back a TON. . . .9
NV wrote in to the Parent Dish:
I used to coach girls’ soccer with my fiancée (now wife). I stopped because one of the girls (all of 8 years old) said:
“I don’t have to listen to you. I can get you in trouble just by telling people you touched me.”
Now that I have a child of my own, I have no idea how I’m going to be involved when he wants to do sports or other activities.
I already got odd looks on the playground the year I was a stay-at-home dad and carting him around with me all the time.10
And it’s no wonder that kids and their parents—though adults should know better—think that men are dangerous; the media portrays men as villains who abduct kids or are pedophiles or perverts. Unfortunately, women’s groups are all atwitter about women being portrayed in the media as having to be beautiful or interested in beauty, but it is much worse to be shown as a suspicious pervert who should be lynched or locked up by society.
It makes people suspicious of the average man, and the threat of jail is held over his head for making the wrong move such as helping a child. Women who are indoctrinated to use too many beauty products may just lose a few bucks to vanity. Yet, guess which sex has advocates railing against the media for their portrayal of women? Documentaries like Miss Representation are shown to school children to teach girls about how they are negatively portrayed in the media and how to deal with negative stereotypes. Boys are offered no such education. If they are, it is to tell them what a bunch of sexists they are and how they can change to accommodate girls and women.
A male reader emailed to let me know about his experience with his daughter’s school. Bobby is the father of a high school girl and he received a letter from the head of his daughter’s school telling him that “the student body, faculty, and staff will come together to watch Jennifer Siebel Newsom’s documentary, Miss Representation.” Once Bobby read up on the film, he was afraid that his daughter was essentially going to be brainwashed by the school to feel like a victim via a film telling girls they were devalued and powerless while boys had the world at their feet. It’s no wonder that so many girls feel angry after seeing all the propaganda thrown at them by our schools and culture.
The school sent links to the parents to let them know about the film and discussed what an empowering opportunity this would be for the girls in the class. I looked at one of the links in which the filmmaker—who is the wife of Gavin Newsom, the lieutenant governor of California—was in a video describing how our culture devalued little girls and told boys the world was their oyster. She was upset that when her son was born, he received little shirts and bibs saying “future president” and her daughter did not receive one.11 Apparently, Newsom tearfully concluded that boys were on easy street and girls got the shaft by society and the media. The film is described as follows:
The film Miss Representation exposes how American youth are being sold the concept that women and girls’ value lies in their youth, beauty and sexuality. It’s time to break that cycle of mistruths.
In response we created MissRepresentation.org, a call-to-action campaign that seeks to empower women and girls to challenge limiting media labels in order to realize their potential.
We are uniting individuals around a common, meaningful goal to spark millions of small actions that ultimately lead to a cross-generational movement to eradicate gender stereotypes and create lasting cultural and sociological change.12
It’s fine that this woman made such a film, but my concern is the following:
Schools are using the Miss Representation’s curriculum to educate youth around media literacy and to inspire and activate students to make change. Communities are hosting screenings and discussions to shift the cultural mindset around gender and end sexism.13
Why are schools playing such propaganda in the classroom and doing so without showing how boys and men are equally discriminated against? Bobby, the father of the high school girl, wrote to the head of the school and let her know that he wanted alternative views to this film discussed and other information about how boys and men are treated in the media presented, but no such luck. The head of the school insisted that the film was just fine as it was and that it was so very important to have conversations about girls. No mention of how boys were treated. She offered to send the film to Bobby, and he took her up on the offer and watched the film. This was his reply to me and to the head of the school about the film:
Hi Helen:
The Head of School did send me a copy of Miss Representation. The movie was more outlandish than I expected (see copy of email below for my comments to her). Katie Couric in the movie (rough quote): “If women were in charge, we would solve all the world’s problems in months.”
My email to Head of School: —Bobby
Dear Ms. Head of School:
Thanks for sending your copy of Miss Representation. I plan to return the copy in the next few days after I view the teaching material.
I have viewed the movie and consider it just another cliché of women as victims. I suggest again that you access the links I sent to find alternative perspectives that do not degrade women.
You’ll find below the “glam pic” of Ms. Newsom from her website, indicating that she has yet to overcome the need to fulfill the role she spent an entire movie castigating.14
“Well played, Bobby,” I thought when I read the letter. Luckily for Bobby, his daughter was too wise to fall for the indoctrination and there was some discussion in her class that boys were also portrayed negatively by the media. Dear Reader, you will probably be glad to know that the filmmaker, Newsom, said that her next project will be on boys, and I can only imagine what that documentary will be like—probably some diatribe about how boys need to break free of gender stereotypes, become even more emasculated and help girls succeed more than they already have. If boys become much more “powerful,” they will probably make up only 30 percent of college students, instead of slightly more than 40 percent.
What truly bothers me about “noble” souls like Newsom is that they refuse to look at reality. A few men are in positions of power and many more are in the middle or at the bottom of society. Women tend to congregate more toward the middle. I wonder, if women had the choice, whether they would really make the trade with men and have a few women at the top, and many more women at the bottom. I kind of doubt it. But with documentaries like Miss Representation and the subsequent indoctrination in the schools, the focus is always on girls and how they are a bunch of victims. The boys are left to fend for themselves or told that they are the cause of the world’s ills.
But the negative stereotype of men as predators and perverts is actually a very real concern for young boys who often are not around any real live men. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million boys are raised in fatherless homes.15 Male teachers in elementary schools are rare; they account for only 16 percent of all elementary school teachers.16 Dr. Jim Macnamara is an Australian professor of public communications in Sydney who analyzed two thousand mass media portrayals of men and male identity and found that men were depicted mostly as villains, aggressors, perverts and philanderers.17 He also found that “by volume, 69 percent of mass media reporting and commentary on men was unfavorable, compared with just 12 percent favorable and 19 percent neutral or balanced.”18
“Highly negative views of men and male identity provide little by way of positive role models for boys to find out what it means to be a man and gives boys little basis for self-esteem,” said Macnamara. “In the current environment where there is an identified lack of positive role models in the physical world . . . the lack of positive role models in the media and presence of overwhelmingly negative images should be of concern. . . . Ultimately such portrayals could lead to negative social and even financial cost for society in areas such as male health, rising suicide rates and family disintegration.”19
Sadly, the only men on television these days who are not portrayed negatively are metrosexuals, according to Macnamara.20 Maybe feminized men are the only men women like Ms. White, the woman who was afraid of men at the beginning of the chapter, feel comfortable around. And we all know that nothing in our society is more important than making women feel comfortable and with high self-esteem to boot.
Kathleen Parker has an excellent section in her book Save the Males on how men are basically portrayed as goofballs and idiots. She correctly asks about children, “What message are they absorbing today when nearly every TV father is absent or absurd? Or when children are always smarter than the old man?”21 However, with this interpretation, she misses the boat: “Over time, negative stereotyping is absorbed into the culture, and the message is that men are not only bad, they’re stupid and unreliable. . . . All things considered, male bashing is probably not a terrible threat to civilization.”22 Parker’s latter analysis is that male bashing is not all that bad but that it leads to boy bashing, which is bad.
I would argue that both are bad and that male bashing is a threat to civilization. I think that many men would agree with me. I asked men in a blog post at PJ Media to discuss negative images of men in the media and received more than 240 responses. Here are some of the highlights.23
Richard Ricardo says:
Watch any modern (1990’s +) cartoon and you will get the same messages about males/men: that they are inferior to women. It is part of an overall plot to weaken our society. Schools ingrain this same philosophy/message all day long, and on the weekends and after school, the television finishes the job.24
Tex Taylor states:
What faster way to reshape civilization in the mold of progressivism than to minimize the male role, make them the weaker sex and feminize the boys?25
Mac says:
Yes, the incessant male bashing is disgusting and hateful. However, if women are stupid enough to fall for it, they deserve what they get. What lots of them aren’t getting is married, and a lot of that is because more and more men are seeing the truth about women’s part in the society surrounding us. . . .
Long story short, women have much more to fear in a world where men not only don’t respect them but actually dislike them. It’s coming to that, and the women have only themselves to blame. Young girls today are going to live in a much harder world because of the choices their mothers and sisters made in the last 30 years.26
Bob says:
I have been saying for 15+ years now that TV shows and commercials portray men as idiots, morons, objects of ridicule and humiliation, etc. . . . I’m on strike and have been for years now. Women are so full of hatred and disdain for me, and they have been bred with this idea that they are “empowered” to rule over us in every way. Family law has done the same; completely stacked against men and gives women total power over relationships and family. It simply doesn’t make sense anymore to connect with women on a long term basis; and forget about marriage. With feminism inculcating the idea that women should rule and dominate men (by trashing them in ads and shows, and elsewhere), it is an absolute danger for a man to get married. The modern American woman does not make for a secure relationship; it is fraught with nothing but risk and you are basically walking on eggshells throughout it all. There is just way too much emotional, psychological, financial, and gender risk at stake for the man. Women are infused with a sense of power over men and entitlement that should not exist. If you go against the feminist ideas with which they have been bred, you are simply dead in the water . . . and you become nothing more than a proof point for all the negative things feminism taught them.
Also, why would you want to get married and have children? Would you want your son or daughter to learn that all men are objects of derision, ridicule, humiliation? That they are fat, bumbling, stupid, idiotic jerks? That women are the strong, smart, visionary, logical, problem solving, sensible, good natured, great looking, healthy ones? That’s what they will learn, plain and simple. Even if there’s a pre-nup regarding the assets, the other risks are just too great for a guy since money is only one aspect of a relationship that can go bad.
I foresee a nation of primarily single people by the latter half of the century, driven by the feminist movement and the obsessive focus to “empower” women over men.27
As these male readers have mentioned, male bashing leads to generalized hostility against men, which in turn harms society. So yes, Ms. Parker, male bashing is a terrible threat to civilization. Subsequent laws and cultural norms that stem from male bashing lead to issues touched on in the next section that looks at how our society is controlling men by controlling their space. For it is male bashing and the resultant hostility and resentment of men that is sending Dad to the basement just to carve out a place where he can get some peace. With Dad hiding out and afraid to make waves, civilization may never be the same.
THE DECLINE OF MALE SPACE
Fantastic topic. There was no sadder scene to a movie than in “Juno” when married guy Jason Bateman realized that in his entire huge house, he had only a large closet to keep all the stuff he loved. That hit me like a punch in the face.
—Commenter Playstead at The Art of Manliness website in response to “The Decline of Male Space”28
Do you ever go around and wonder where all the men have gone? It seems as though women have taken over much of the public space (except perhaps for sports events) and they even seem now like the masters of the home, too. If you watch shows like HGTV’s House Hunters, you will notice the theme is often that the women act like the house is their domain exclusively: The wife excitedly exclaims how big the closet is and asks the husband “where will you keep your stuff?” as an afterthought. Sure, this is probably just banter for the show to make it look “cute,” but it’s annoying and indicative of the lack of space that men are allowed in their own homes.
And what about in the public sphere? It seems that men are no longer getting together as often. Remember when men went to bars after work, went to the Elks club, or the Freemasons, and hung out and talked together? When was the last time you or your friends did this (especially if you are over forty)? I remember once a male acquaintance was shocked because my husband had the day off to just go out, be with friends or enjoy a hobby while I watched our child. Apparently, if a man with a family is free to go out and have a good time, it’s news.
Brett McKay, the author (along with his wife, Kate) of The Art of Manliness books, wrote a terrific piece on the web called “The Decline of Male Space,” in which he argues that while we have made progress in integrating the workplace and home, which is good, “the pendulum has arguably swung too far to the other extreme, leaving men without their own space.”29 Suburban living gave rise to more of a focus on family life, and women were more and more in charge of family life:
The period after WWII was filled with dramatic changes in American life. One of the most powerful changes was the migration of white, middle class families from cities to the suburbs. Large developments like Levittown provided returning vets a chance to buy a piece of the American Dream for a relatively affordable price and get started on raising a family.
The rise of suburban culture with its emphasis on creating a domestic nest, usually meant sacrificing male space for the good of the family. Home designs in the 1950s exchanged the numerous, smaller rooms of the Victorian home for fewer, larger rooms. The goal was to create more open space where families could congregate together and bond while watching the Honeymooners on TV.
With no room to call their own, men were forced to build their male sanctuaries in the most uninhabitable parts of a home. Garages, attics, and basements quickly became the designated space for men, while the women and children had free reign [sic] over the rest of the house.30
It is not just suburban living that has given rise to the decline of male space; it is also the pressure from women’s groups, society and the government:
In addition to fraternal lodges, male only clubs and restaurants served as a place where a man could enjoy a nice rib-eye with their bros and get candid advice on their career and family life. But male-only clubs would start to feel the squeeze when the U.S. Supreme Court held in 1987 that states and cities may constitutionally ban sex discrimination by business-oriented private clubs. With this green light from the Court, many states and cities started cracking down on male-only clubs and restaurants. New York City was especially vigorous in prosecuting male-only clubs. Perhaps the most famous instance of a once male-only club being forced to open membership to women was the New York Athletic Club. Founded in 1868, the club contained dining rooms, bars, an indoor pool, and a block long gym. Facing legal pressure, the New York Athletic Club opened its membership to women in 1989 with mixed feelings on the part of members. Despite the legal and societal pressure, a few-male only clubs still exist in the U.S.31
While I applaud women being able to join and use public facilities and private ones within reason, it seems that we have crossed a line in our society where men are actually being singled out and isolated from each other by the government and the society. With this crackdown in 1987 and well before, our culture has steadily made it almost obscene for men to congregate on their own together. It seems that people are afraid for groups of men to get together because they might decide that they don’t like what’s going on in the culture today and actually do something about it. Men’s space is now being controlled for political reasons.
Women and their minions want men isolated so they won’t band together politically, and it keeps men under women’s thumb in the domestic realm. If a man does something at home that a woman doesn’t like, he’s one step away from the police or social services stepping in with a restraining order or worse, taking his kids. Or he is afraid of being kicked out of his own house. I once knew a man who was a detective who was frightened of his wife who kept tabs on him and didn’t want him around friends and family. When I asked him why he put up with this abuse, he said that he lived in his family home and if he made any waves, he feared his wife could take half the property and this would disappoint his family. If he were a woman, there would be somewhere to turn for help. As a man, he slept on the couch and finally ended up with a heart condition that was exacerbated by stress. He felt he had no recourse than to deal with the situation alone. If he had had a lodge or male friends to turn to, he might have found some other solution that would have been easier on his health.
Charles Murray, in his book Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960–2010, writes about the role of secular fraternal associations. “Today, most people know of organizations such as the Elks, Moose, and Odd Fellows (if they know them at all) as male lower-middle-class social clubs. They are actually the remnants of a mosaic of organizations that were a central feature of American civic life. . . . For our purposes, one is particularly salient: They drew their membership from across the social classes, and ensured regular, close interaction among people of different classes.”32
As I think about these fraternal organizations, perhaps another important role they served was to get different classes of people talking and brainstorming about ideas and problems. Because there were different social classes present, those men who had certain problems could talk them over with other men who might be more successful problem solvers. If a businessman needed help with something mechanical, he might find a successful mechanic there who could tell him what to do, and, vice versa, a mechanic might find a successful businessman who could help him with money issues. Or men could talk to other men across classes who were more successful in resolving problems at home. Or men could just congregate and discuss politics and how to challenge threats to justice, liberty and freedom.
Now men are discouraged and actively made fun of or denied the ability to be in all-male groups by the law and by the disapproval of certain segments of the culture. For example, look at how colleges treat fraternity guys; they are all looked at with suspicion and treated like they are one step away from gang-raping the next girl who walks by their frat house. If you don’t believe me, mention frat guys and watch the reaction of any woman over the age of about thirty. Most look at them with fear and disdain and want a stop put to any fun they might be having. And as men get older, the isolation and denigration get worse. I wonder how much of the demonization of men leads to our staggering male suicide rate? Men kill themselves at much higher rates than women: four men for every one woman. It’s politically correct to laugh at men, beat them or hurl insults their way. Most men don’t say anything and just retreat to the basement to tune out the world, and who can blame them?
A wounded animal retreats to its cave and now America’s men are doing the same thing down in their “man caves.” Yes, it’s nice that men at least have some place in the house to call their own. However, the man cave is really no more than a booby prize for men who must swallow their manhood and head downstairs in order to get some peace and hope that the womenfolk and the government stay out of their way. In an article called “Why He Needs a Man Cave,” the author—a woman—treats her husband more like a teen whom she is allowing to dress up a room in the house than an equal partner who probably paid for at least half the house. She has a number of little rules for women concerning the “construction” of the man cave, including:
After you settle on a place, let him decorate it. Don’t worry, men’s taste with décor isn’t as expensive as a women’s [sic]. Guys like caves and can do with minimal stuff . . . usually. . . .
I would never help build a man cave for my man if I didn’t trust him. In fact, I wouldn’t share a home with anyone I didn’t trust. We aren’t going to build a man cave this year, but I am going to help make “his space” at our home more comfortable. He wants a new desk for his computer. He chose one that didn’t match the décor, but it is his man cave within our home.33 Wow, a whole desk in the house that a guy got to pick out, how egalitarian. This writer’s husband would be lucky to get a basement. But even that seems kind of lame. Now men have no place to turn except the boob tube down in the basement, where they watch themselves being characterized as perverts, predators and goofballs. Add to that some Cheetos and a bunch of beer to kill the pain, and inertia sets in. Some men profess to be happy down there, but then, those who are wounded by others often don’t see the obvious.
When a partner isolates their spouse from friends, associates, and public places, it’s called domestic abuse. When it’s done to an entire gender, it’s called feminism. It is imperative to stop this abuse against men and allow saner laws and minds to prevail. The next chapter will look at the repercussions to society of the war on men; though it started long ago, at some point it will end in the suicide of our society as we know it unless we do something about it.