Chapter 9

Wi-tech Relationships

How attached are you to your wireless devices?

Could you, or the members of your family, go for a day without using them?

If you answered no, you’re not alone. Many people are so attached to their devices that they feel lonely, isolated, confused, or depressed without them. People are spending longer than ever on devices — staring at screens for eight hours a day, connecting to the internet before they get out of bed.

So, does people’s relationship with their wireless devices change the nature of their relationship with others?

Absolutely — and here’s the proof. Take a look in any restaurant where two people are sitting together and notice in how many instances one of them is using a wireless device.

Wireless couples

That’s because people are so addicted to their wireless devices, they can’t go for long without checking them. A survey of American smart-phone owners found that almost 60 per cent said they could go for no more than an hour without checking their phones. They admitted checking their phones during meals, while driving, while on the toilet, and when they wake up during the night.

Needless to say, this trend is affecting relationships between couples. In fact, a 2010 survey of British couples found that one in ten spent more time talking to their partner by phone or email than they did in person. Even when they were together, over 40 per cent of couples communicated with their partner electronically rather than by speaking.

When people do get together to talk, the quality of their conversation is affected by the mere presence of a mobile phone. Scientists at the University of Essex asked pairs of strangers to chat for a ten-minute period, with and without mobile phones in the room. They found that simply having the mobile phone present affected closeness, connection, and conversation quality, and this was most apparent when the couples were discussing meaningful topics.

If wireless technology is changing our relationship with individuals, what is it doing to family relationships?

Wireless families

The more time people spend engaging with their devices, the less time they spend engaging with each other.

Dr Jenny Radesky and her team set up an experiment where they observed 55 groups of people — containing at least one adult and one child under the age of ten — eating in fast-food restaurants. She found that 16 of the 55 adults were more absorbed in their phones than their children. Some were almost continuously involved in using their phone during the meal — either typing or swiping the screen. Those who used their phones to make calls kept some eye contact with their children, even if they appeared absorbed by their conversation.

Similarly, children are often too engrossed in their wireless devices even to notice when their parents — especially their fathers — come home from work.

In fact, family members are spending more time alone and less time in the same room as each other.

Melody Terras and Judith Ramsay decided to investigate what role the home environment played in children’s online behaviour. They found that parents often complained about just how much time their children spent using the internet, but many of them were excessive mobile-phone users at home themselves! ‘It is essential to raise parental awareness of the power of their own smartphone behaviors as it is often a case of “Do as I say rather than as I do,”’ they wrote.

Social skills

Not surprisingly, the skills needed for healthy social relationships seem to be at risk.

One of the most important ways that people communicate — more important even than spoken language — is body language. Yet today’s children, spending less and less time with other people from an early age, have less opportunity to learn how to read the nuances of other people’s behaviour.

One of the important qualities of successful relationships is the ability to understand another person’s feelings and points of view — or empathy. It seems that the neurons involved in empathy are also involved in copying other people’s behaviour. In other words, empathy appears to be learned by example. It’s been suggested that empathy is in decline. Scientists found that empathy levels declined in college students after the turn of the century and are 40 per cent lower than levels in students 20 to 30 years earlier.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Your child is learning how to relate to other people by mirroring your behaviour. What wireless behaviours do you think he or she is learning?

What behaviours about relating to others do you think he or she is learning?

Do you see any examples of your child mirroring your behaviour?

SUGGESTION

Why not keep a diary of your family’s activities on a typical day. This could be a group project in which each member of the family records where they were and what they were doing. (To encourage honesty, everyone should write down the device they were using, rather than what they were doing on it!)

SOMETHING TO TRY

You might like to try this internet addiction test?

1 Do you feel preoccupied with the internet (think about previous online activity or anticipate next online session)?

2 Do you feel the need to use the internet for increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?

3 Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop your internet use?

4 Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop your internet use?

5 Do you stay online longer than originally intended?

6 Have you jeopardised or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the internet?

7 Have you lied to family members, your therapist, or others to conceal the extent of your involvement with the internet?

8 Do you use the internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g. feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

Answering yes to questions 1 to 5 plus at least one other question may indicate the condition of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD).

Of course, wireless technology doesn’t have to interfere with interpersonal relationships, and can help build meaningful connections — but then, so can wired communications devices.

Here are some tips for doing this.

Useful tips

BE AWARE

Take a look at your relationship with your wireless devices. Notice how much time you spend on your devices each day and what you are using them for. Because most habits are unconscious behaviours, becoming conscious of your wireless activities is the first step in taking control of them.

Encourage other people in your family to do the same.

ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES

Decide areas or times of your life that are wireless-free zones. They might include mealtime, bedtimes, and conversation times.

If you can, keep the use of wireless devices to a minimum and keep internet activities limited.

PRIORITISE

Value the person you’re with.

Every time you answer a mobile-phone call when you’re with someone else, you’re giving them the message: this person who isn’t even here is more important than you are.

FIND ALTERNATIVES

What better way to replace one habit than with another?

MY WIRELESS-FREE DECISIONS

Make a list of the wireless-free zones, times and activities that you think are worth establishing here.