FORTY

Friday 1 September 2017, 7.15 p.m.

My breathing was fast as I set down the phone, my hands shaking. I could see my father in the rear-view mirror, waving at me to come back. I could still hear his words ringing in my head: Don’t go back to him, Chloe. Don’t leave like this. I looked to the passenger seat and Joshua glanced up at me. ‘Are we still going to meet Daddy?’

I flashed him a warm smile, nodded my head. ‘Of course we are.’ We were on the cusp of a new start, one last chance to get things right. Andrew had agreed to leave tonight, to leave everything behind. But now it was all under threat. ‘It’s just that Mummy forgot she has to do something first. Before we meet Daddy we have to go somewhere. To Brighton. But it’s a surprise, OK, so I need you to keep it a secret. Can you do that?’ His smile widened, worry disappearing from his face. The guilt of the lie cut through me.

He gave his seat belt a tug, checked it was tight like he always did, and set himself facing front. I couldn’t have felt worse, having to take him along with me, but I had to do this now. I had to end it before it went any further. Before he told Andrew like he had threatened to. It was so hot I felt sick, sweat in my armpits damp and sticky. Beads of it forming on my face.

‘Who was that on the phone?’ Joshua asked.

‘Nobody, Josh. It was nothing.’

‘But Mummy,’ he said, his voice quiet and soft, ‘you look upset.’

‘That’s just because I had a silly argument with Grandpa. It’s nothing, Josh, I promise.’

I drove for twenty minutes, through the countryside, heading towards Brighton. I opened the window, but the air was so heavy I found no relief. I pulled up at the entrance to Preston Park, manoeuvred the car into the usual spot on The Ride, concealed from the road. I turned off the engine, listened as it settled to silence. Took a deep breath.

I saw another car parking behind me. Was it him? But seconds later a man I didn’t recognise got out. He slammed the door, pulled up his collar and walked away from the car, looking over his shoulder, paying no attention to me.

Was I really doing this with Joshua here alongside me? Leaving him in the car while I went to talk to him? To demand he stopped threatening to tell Andrew about our affair?

‘Mummy, are you OK?’

I tried to smile, reached over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Of course. I’m fine. Just excited about seeing Daddy soon, that’s all.’ The smile that spread across Joshua’s face was huge, the gap between his teeth where one had fallen out gaping and wide. And the saddest thing was that it was the truth: I was excited. How had I fucked this up so much? How was it that I was here in Preston Park demanding an end to the affair that threatened our future? How had he got Andrew’s telephone number? ‘I really need you to behave, OK, Joshua? I need you to stay here and look after the car.’

His smile disappeared. ‘On my own? Can’t I come with you?’ He clicked his belt open, edged forward. ‘I could help with the surprise.’

I shook my head. I could drive away now. I didn’t have to do this, did I? I could end things tomorrow once I was far away from here, or the next day, or not at all. I could just disappear. He wouldn’t go through with the threat and tell Andrew, would he? What would be the point if he did? It would ruin everything. But what if he was past that? What if all he wanted was revenge? No, I had to tell him now that it was over. If I did it face to face, I felt sure I could make him understand.

‘I’m afraid not, Josh. You need to stay here. But I’m going to lock you in, OK? Don’t open the door to anybody.’

I stepped from the car, clicked the button, and flashed Joshua a wink. My face felt flushed and damp. Heat and nerves. Josh was already settling in with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, his new obsession, magic and wizards. He wanted to be a wizard when he grew up, said he wanted to be able to change the world to make it anything he wanted it to be. I loved the idea that he hadn’t lost faith in life being good, but hated the fact that he thought only magic would achieve it. I checked the locks, and then headed up the road.

The scent from the rose garden was heady, with waves of heat rising from the ground. Just up ahead, the man who had parked behind me was striding along, arms swinging. I watched as he cut through to the left, next to the café. He was heading in the same direction I was.

I stepped up my pace, wanting to get it over and done with. I hadn’t seen him in days. I’d been ignoring his text messages so I knew he was going to be angry. I had tried to end it once before, but he had worn me down with his promises of a better future. Together, he always told me, we could be a family, easy and simple, without any of the problems that had driven me to him in the first place. I would always fall for that, the idea of something better, something stable for Joshua. Something normal. But now Andrew was offering the same thing. He had promised to go to rehab once we settled into a new life, told me he would do anything to make things work. This time there was something different in his voice that made me believe he might just do it. Not just for me, but for all of us, so we didn’t lose what we had. Our family. I had to try one last time, for Joshua’s sake.

I suddenly noticed a set of keys on the path in front of me. I bent down, picked them up: a silver key chain in the shape of a D. Did they belong to the man walking ahead of me?

‘Hey!’ I called. I saw him glance over his shoulder. I waved the keys back and forth, hoped he could see what I was holding. ‘Wait up!’

But instead of stopping, he began to hurry on even faster. It was strange, because he looked like he had heard me. As I picked up the pace in an effort to reach him, he sped up again. Seconds later, he disappeared into the bushes.

‘You dropped your keys!’ I shouted, but it was futile. I decided I would leave them on his car, by the wipers, hoping that he found them before anybody else did.

I looked back to my own car, saw Joshua’s blonde head just visible through the side window. I could smell roses, freshly cut grass, hear the distant chugging from the engine of a ride-on lawn mower. Soon enough the seasons would change, things would be different. It was time for change. That was what we needed. At least that was what I hoped.

I shoved the keys into the pocket of my dress along with my own as I passed the café and took the right-hand fork, heading towards the bench, the place we had met so many times before over the course of the last three months.

He was late. It must have been ten minutes before I saw him walking towards me. He was obscured by shrubbery but it was unmistakably him. I noticed his car parked just out of view of the road like it always was, away from mine, safe from suspicion. He smiled as he approached, his large frame casting a shadow as he narrowed the distance. Still I felt a weakness for his touch, a need for his body to be close to mine, even now when I was determined to tell him it was over.

I took a breath.

I had to do this.

I had to do it now.

I had no other choice.