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Looking at myself in the mirror, I allow the tumble of self-inflicted questions to torture me once again.
Why did I allow last night to happen?
How could I have let that happen?
I love my job. Why did you allow yourself to cross the line?
Are you just another notch on his bed post?
My heart catches, hurting on the last question. Shaking my head, tears spring to my eyes when my mind plays through last night once again. I had been completely under his control...out of control.
I had sat there in the hot tub under his command, the feel of the water flowing between my legs from the jets heightening my arousal, and spread myself for him...
Eager...
The deep throbbing need to allow Lucas to touch me, that could only be described as pleasure pain, had obliterated all of my thoughts. I had only thought of how desperately I needed him to make the ache, the lust – the driving need to finally feel him inside of me – go away.
I feel myself flush as I vividly recall just how perfectly he had satisfied that lust.
“How do I face him this morning?” I whisper to my image.
I had considered throughout the sleepless night of calling in sick in the morning but that would do nothing but delay the inevitable. Instead, I had decided that it’s best that I pick myself up, and move past this indiscretion. Acknowledge it for what it was, a one-night stand that meant nothing, and move past the slip up. Holding my eyes in the mirror, I convince myself that I can handle this. Lucas and I are both grown-ups and both professionals. Last night had been the result of too much wine mixed with the beginning heat of summer that is only around the corner.
That’s all it was.
That’s all it could ever be.
Half-heartedly convinced, I turn from the mirror and step into my shower. I wash my hair with unnecessary roughness, hoping to remove some of the memories of how he felt inside me from my brain.
No one has ever felt that good, that deeply connected to me before.
I had never once before been with any man that had made me forget all of my inhibitions like Lucas did.
I feel myself flush again and I step back under the shower head, allowing the water to beat forcefully on top of my head.
My mind flashes, unwillingly, to when I had turned around in the hot tub to see Lucas stroking himself. Any thought I had to stop what we were about to do had flown from my head as all I could think about was having that long, thick length inside of me. I had only concentrated on the want – the need - to experience the feeling of having such a beautiful, confident, sexy man moving inside of me, commanding responses from my body.
To make me forget about everything except the feel of him.
Angry with myself that I have allowed my thoughts to wander down that road again, I turn off the shower and step out. I roughly dry my hair as self-punishment.
Skipping breakfast, unable to eat with my roiling emotions, also half afraid Lucas will appear on my doorstep any moment, I grab a coffee and Quinny to head outside. I take the path to the lake that Lucas had once shown me. I haven't been here in a while because work had been so busy, eating up every spare moment of my time. I close my eyes and lift my face to the sun that has made its way up over the shimmering lake.
Lucas had stayed for a long time pounding on my door last night, pleading with me to open it up. But I knew if I gave in and opened it, I would end up in bed with him.
And I knew I would keep him there...all-night long.
One mistake was enough. I didn’t need to repeat it.
"I'll get through this," I say aloud.
I stay there a few more moments allowing the soft breeze and the warm sun to fill me, giving me the courage to face Lucas today.
We had not even kissed. It had simply been a one-night stand when we forgot who we were and let lust and wine take over, - I silently remind myself.
We didn’t need to make it out to be more than it was.
A deep inhale, then a deep exhale and I feel like I have gathered myself as much as I am able. Calling Quinny, I walk back to the cottage. I dress methodically, my mind more worried on how I would be able to look Lucas in the eyes today. I know that after experiencing him, knowing how he can make my body react, how easy I had been to succumb to him, was going to make it difficult.
The drive to the work is much too short and before my brain feels ready to deal with this upcoming face-to-face, morning after making a huge mistake and sleeping with your boss confrontation, I find myself standing outside the restaurant entrance. Inhaling deeply, with the butterflies in my stomach flapping their wings violently enough to make me feel as if I want to vomit, I push open the door. The first pair of eyes that I meet are an intense blue. They somehow seem to sear through me even more after experiencing him. My nipples tighten, between my legs pulsating, even as embarrassment stains my cheeks. I quickly drop my gaze. Concentrating on walking across the floor to the stairs, I silently beg to whatever higher power was in control that I don't fall. The high heels that I have paired with my pencil skirt, seem somehow louder as I click clack my way across the room.
I silently and desperately wish I could disappear.
Upon reaching the staircase, I keep my gaze straight ahead of me and swallow thickly, my stomach feeling hollow. I can feel when Lucas joins me on the stairwell, his hand – the same hand that had stroked between my thighs last night - is in my peripheral vision as he grasps the railing, following me.
I flush again.
Heated...
My body is even more finely attuned to him after last night.
I just may vomit, - my brain silently warns me.
I want to turn around, run past him down the stairs, back to the safety of the cottage, but I know I have to deal with this at some point. Running away may have helped in keeping my distance from him last night, but I know it won’t solve the problem of having to face to him at some point. I couldn’t hide from what had happened. I needed to face this head on, deal with it and get over it. I love my job and last night was a mistake. I need to let Lucas know that I’m an adult who can move past this and continue to work with him.
I also need to let him know that it can't ever happen again.
Opening the door to my office, I walk behind my desk, and enforcing a bravery I don't truly feel, I lift my gaze to Lucas.
My heart silently aches that I never had a chance to explore his beautiful mouth, run my lips over his corded neck.
To taste his skin.
"Emma..." he begins.
With my heart feeling like it is about to beat out of my chest, I stop his words as I interject, "It's okay, Lucas. Last night was a mistake. We have been working really hard and we both got a little tipsy. We made a mistake and let things go too far but I want to put it past us quickly and move on. I love my job here and I don't want last night to affect that. We have both experienced one-night stands in the past, let's chalk it up to being that.”
His shocked eyes scan my face.
Probing...
“Just a stupid one-night stand," I reiterate, forcing a strength I don’t feel into my voice.
I pray that he doesn't see that I’m weak - very weak - when it comes to him as I resolutely hold his eyes, needing this done, dealt with and over.
"That's what you want? To pretend it didn't happen?" he asks, anger is now very much evident in his tone.
"It was a mistake Lucas. Please...just let this go. Please," I whisper, pleadingly.
"We never used protection," he states rudely.
I blanche but respond, "I’m on birth control and I’m always careful."
My mind mentally adds on snidely, - Usually.
His gaze bores into me, making my heart beat harder in my chest.
“So that’s it? You want to forget about it?” he asks, disdain now mixing with the anger in his voice.
I will never forget, - I silently admit to him.
But he doesn’t need to know that, - I firmly tell myself.
I can’t speak so instead I only nod my head.
He holds my gaze for a few more seconds that seem like forever, his anger and frustration clearly radiating from him in waves, flowing over me, as I begin to chant over and over in my head, - Please...just go now before I become weaker.
Finally, he turns and leaves the office, not bothering to close the door behind him. I feel as if I’m boneless - weightless - as I slide into my chair. Leaning forward, I place my elbows on my desk, my head in my trembling hands.
How could I have let that happen last night? It changes things. It changes everything despite what you are trying to convince yourself, - I mentally scold myself, wanting to grab fistfuls of my hair and pull it out.
I hear a rustling at my office door. Reluctantly, wishing that Lucas had closed the door when he left, I lift my head and notice Martha hovering, hesitating to enter. Pasting a forced smile on my face, I somberly say in welcome, "Morning, Martha."
“Rough morning?" she inquires, concern evident on her face as her eyes search mine.
Nodding, I confess, "You could say that. But it's been dealt with as much as it can for the morning."
“We can reschedule our meeting," she offers gently.
Sighing, I shake my head as I reply, "I need to work."
And it’s true. Over the next couple of weeks, I keep myself busy at work but I barely see Lucas. When I do, he keeps his eyes averted from me, as I do to him. Working with him side by side, alone in one of our offices, has become impossible and he feels it as well so we both avoid it. His mother has called and invited me every week to brunch on Saturdays but I always offer up an excuse.
I can't bear to sit across from him, in his family's home, and pretend the one night we slipped up hasn't affected me.
Because every night since being with him, Lucas is in my dreams. I relive over and over how it felt having him touch me. How it felt when he had whispered the words, "Spread your long legs, Emma."
How it felt when I had responded...
Did what he asked...
I had never felt so strong – so impossibly powerful - because this beautiful man desired me. But I also felt vulnerable because I knew he could steer me down the path of fulfilling his every sexual request.
I have never obeyed any man's request. I had always held back, kept my heart out of it. But that one time with Lucas...and I was putty in his hands, ready and willing to do anything he wanted.
Forgetting about my job...
My dreams.
Sighing, I lay back on the beach from where I had been sitting for the past fifteen minutes, staring out over the lake, once again thinking about Lucas and remembering how we once watched the sunrise together.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply.
I miss spending those times with him.
It has been several weeks since our slip-up and it still remains awkward between us. If anything, it has become more awkward as time slipped by.
As much as it hurts me to think about it, I know I have to move on and I have to find another job. The saying that time healing all wounds doesn’t seem to apply in this instance and I can’t continue living with these wildly swinging emotions.
Suddenly, I hear a crunching on the stones of the beach. Sitting up quickly, I glance around and the man who has been haunting me is there, looking so hot that I have to swallow thickly as I remember exactly just how hot he looked stroking himself as he asked me to spread my legs for him.
I flush, wetness pooling immediately between my thighs.
I feel a trembling start deep inside.
I miss running with him.
I miss everything about him, - I silently give into the acknowledgement.
"Sorry. I didn't realize you would be here or I wouldn’t have come this way," he apologizes but instead of leaving, he stays, hesitantly watching me.
"It's your beach. I'll leave," I return quickly, immediately on edge, unreasonably upset by his statement that he would have avoided me if he had of known.
I push to my feet and call Quinny who has run over to greet him excitedly. She completely ignores me and instead looks up at Lucas in excitement and adoration. Lucas moves his gaze from me to her as he squats down onto his haunches to rub her ears. I can hear her contented moans from where I stand.
He does have the touch, Quinny, - I silently agree as I remember how those hands that are gently caressing her fur, had just as gently slipped between my legs.
Coaxing me. Silently asking me to allow him to touch me.
I flush again, unable to speak, but unable to leave without my dog.
"I’ve missed you, too," I hear him murmur quietly to Quinny. My heart twitches. He glances up at me after a few quiet moments, while still running his hands over her.
"Emma," he sighs out reluctantly as he pushes to a standing position.
I tense.
"We have to address the obvious elephant in the room that is between us. Martha has asked me what happened between us. She also told me the employees are tense, watching us, and on edge whenever we are in the same room together," he says quietly.
I don't say anything. I can't.
He sighs again, holding my gaze as he continues, "I also hate this awkwardness between us. I want to have an easy working relationship with you again." He pauses for a moment before adding, "Prior to..." but trailing off before trying to put into words that night we slipped up.
The silence between us hangs heavily and I know he is waiting for a response from me.
"It was a mistake, Lucas," I give in after several seconds. "It shouldn't have happened."
He winces before he replies, "You made that point clear before. I know you have a boyfriend and I’m sorry that things went too far but I want to clear the air between us. Move on, work together again without this hanging over us. We have to be able to be in the same room together again. I don’t want to lose you as an employee. Do you think you can do that?"
I barely hear the rest of what he said. Anger rises in me as I realize he thinks I would be the type to cheat. I open my mouth to make it clear to him that I would never do that to someone, but at the last second, I snap my mouth closed without saying anything.
He watches me, waiting for my response.
"So, what do you think?" he asks, his eyes probing.
"We can't ever cross that line again, Lucas," I respond, quickly deciding to temper my anger that he thinks I’m a cheater in order to keep him in the dark about my single status. I can use all the road blocks I can get in keeping Lucas at a distance. It’s better to have him think I’m a cheater, to have that barrier of him thinking I’m with someone else.
He hesitates but finally he nods.
Sighing deeply myself, letting all of my anger go with it, I only allow myself to confess, "It’s been hard for me too. I have never crossed that line with a co-worker. Or a boss."
We are both quiet for a few moments before I continue, "I love my job here. I love gaining more knowledge about wine. I love where I’m living and my new lifestyle. I don't want to leave, so yes. I would like a retry on trying to put that night behind us."
I see him visibly relax at my words.
I wait for him to say something further but he doesn't. Deciding to focus my attention on Quinny, I call her name and she finally leaves his side to follow me reluctantly back to the cottage, her tail down in obvious disappointment of having to leave Lucas.
I shower quickly before heading to work. When I arrive, Lucas is already there, looking over the reservations for the day at the host stand. His beautiful blue eyes lift to me as I push the door open.
And my breath whooshes out of me.
I had sex with this beautiful man, - whispers, unwanted, through my mind. I almost trip over my own feet as I remember how he felt moving inside of me, those blue eyes staring into mine.
I flush, my pulse tripping, out of sync.
"Coffee is brewing," is all he says, his tone flippant, before dropping his eyes back to the iPad in front of him, dismissing my presence easily.
"Thanks," I say in response and head back to the kitchen area to grab a cup. Trying to settle my racing heart, I place my hands on the edge of the counter and squeeze.
“Just breathe,” I whisper underneath my breath.
"You okay?" I hear Lucas ask behind me.
I jump, and fumbling with my cup, I reply, "Yeah. Just a little tired. Haven't been sleeping well."
"You’ve been working a lot again. Maybe you should take a couple of days off," he suggests as he casually reaches around me to grab the coffee pot to pour his coffee. I watch as his long fingers grasp the handle and my mind flashes to remembering how they felt as they explored me.
Pushing deeply into me.
My body is yearning for him against my will.
Abruptly, I turn and face him.
He holds the pot out, like there had never been anything between us, silently waiting for me to lift my cup so he can fill it up. My hand shakes as I try to unsuccessfully hold it steady, pretend that I’m okay.
"Think about it," he says, placing the pot back on the burner before turning with his coffee in hand, to leave the kitchen.
His casualness, like nothing happened, has left me spinning.
This is what you wanted. You wanted to pretend it didn't happen and now that Lucas is doing exactly that, you’re not happy with that either, - I mentally scold myself.
Hastily, I sweeten my coffee before I take a large sip, and focus only on swallowing the caffeinated beverage.
"Buck up, Emma," I whisper under my breath forcing myself to leave the kitchen before I’m mentally ready.
Heading up to my office, I try throwing myself into my full day of work, trying so hard, but failing, to forget that night.
In the evening, I decide to go for a run hoping to burn off some of these spinning emotions. As I exit the cottage, Lucas jogs past, completely defeating that plan. He waves a short, casual, friendly wave before continuing on his way past the cottage. I feel slightly stung even though I shouldn't. We had crossed a line and we couldn’t have the friendship we had before.
His casualness is for the best, - is what I keep repeating over and over in my head as my feet hit the dirt, feeling as if I have heavy weights strapped to each of my ankles as I head down the road that leads back to the main road and purposely choose to jog in the opposite direction of Lucas.
Over the next few weeks, Lucas remains firmly behind the line I had drawn. He treats me cordially, asking for my opinions and suggestions, working side by side with me often. But he always remains aloof, respectful, my employer only. He continues to jog daily but never again asks me to join him.
But for me, every time he stands near me, it affects me more and more. I find myself inhaling his scent, loving how his laughter touches me deeply. Watching how his hands move, remembering over and over, how his hands felt as he touched me that one time. Wanting desperately to go back and experience how that mouth of his would feel on mine - on my body.
Mourning that I never tasted him when I had the chance.
My mind slips back to that moment in the hot tub, when he had stood before me stroking himself, the head of his beautiful cock leaking precum...
And I had for a moment, wondered where I wanted him most first...
"Emma?" Martha says from my office doorway.
Snapping out of one of my many day dreams, I look up to Martha's questioning gaze.
"Sorry, I was deep in thought," I say, flushing.
"I could see," she replies, teasing lightly. "Lucas asked me to speak with you about attending an LCBO dinner with him this weekend. Some of the board members will be staying here and he would like for you to be in attendance along with his parents."
My first instinct is to say no but then I remember Lucas's firmly placed distance between us. This was just a business dinner.
"Yeah, sure," I reply, unenthusiastically.
She nods quickly, opens her mouth to say something but must decide against it, before turning to retreat from my doorway.
Sighing, I pack up my bag and head back to the cottage to spend another evening by myself. With all the additional work hours I have taken upon myself, I have not made any friends. Maybe it is time to slow down, to get myself back into a normal schedule. After all, the restaurant and inn are doing well, and the employees are all now fully trained.
I could afford to relax a little now, get some balance back into my life.
Deciding that there’s no time like the present to start working on that, I walk and feed Quinny before heading into the small town of Niagara-On-The-Lake. I pop in and out of shops, browsing mainly, chatting with the small shop owners when they realize that I’m Lucas’s new restaurant and inn manager. They all state how much they love Lucas with the older ladies fluttering on about him and how handsome and hard-working he is. Around 8pm, I give into my hunger and decide to check out one of the local restaurants. The host quickly assures me they have room for one and I follow him to my table, which is located at the back of the restaurant.
After I have sat and placed my napkin across my lap, I hear familiar laughter from across the room, causing my stomach to bottom out immediately, as my head turns. Lucas is sat five tables away from me, deep in an easy conversation with a beautiful blond.
I sit frozen, unknowing what to do, the host’s voice seeming as if from far away as he inquires as to whether I want a drink or not. I feel unreasonable as unwanted jealousy eats away at me as I see her reach out and touch his arm. I grit my teeth, anger swirling through as he whispers in her ear, a grin spreading cockily across his face. As he is pulling away from her, he glances across the room, his gaze colliding with mine.
I quickly rise from my seat, suddenly not hungry, suddenly not even angry...
Wanting only to vomit...
I unknowingly cause my chair to fall backwards, drawing the eyes of the other patrons as the bewildered host hastily catches it before it crashes to the floor.
“Sorry,” is all I can manage as I grab my purse, stumbling over the napkin that has fallen over my feet, threatening to trip me before I manage to stay upright to get myself out of the restaurant without further incident.
Getting into my car, I lean my head onto my steering wheel, pressing it into my forehead hoping that the pain I can physically inflict will distract from the pain tearing through my heart.
Seeing him with another woman hurts...
So very deeply.
Leaning back from the steering wheel, I mutter out loud, "He isn't yours. He never was. This is ridiculous."
I feel a tear slip ludicrously down my cheek. I swipe at it, angry at Lucas...even angrier at myself.
I hastily turn on my car and head back to the cottage where I pour myself a large glass of wine. This time, even though I feel stupid allowing it to happen, I don't try to hold back the tears that start streaming down my face.
Chapter 10