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Anger is flooding through me, surrounding me, as I hear Eric hitting on Emma.
Stepping behind him, I see Emma's face flood with relief as I say her name, breaking up this tête-à-tête that Eric had obviously and cunningly planned. He had very obviously introduced me to a guest, named Marie, that prior to Emma I would have considered spending the night with. Marie had immediately latched onto to me, murmuring that she knew I was here with another woman and that she was with an older man. When she had offered for us to meet again in a few minutes in the gazebo, I knew then that Eric had told Marie that I was a player looking for the same thing she was.
Gently trying to let her know that I had only eyes for Emma, I had missed Eric slipping away.
But I had known immediately where he had gone.
As Emma now steps around him, I hold my hand out to her, relieved when she takes it and moves to stand by my side. My other hand is opening and closing, wishing I could wrap it around Eric's neck. I had known Eric had always been a player, women just a game to him, but I had never thought he would stoop so low as to try to steal Emma.
"We'll be leaving in the morning," I ground out.
He laughs as he nods his head, a smirk evident on his face as we turn from him.
When we reach our room, my anger has reached the boiling point and it explodes on Emma.
"What the fuck were you doing with him?" I ask, as I swing her around before grasping both of her arms, shaking her.
She gasps as her eyes come up to my face, "Lucas, you’re hurting me."
I immediately slacken my grasp, not wanting to ever hurt her, but god this searing pain in my chest is killing me. Hearing about how she had always wanted to live in LA to start a restaurant and now this incident with Eric has me pushing her up against the wall, to stare into her eyes. This woman has the ability to break me and it scares the hell out of me.
Make me reel, out of control.
"I should have let you answer his question," I whisper. "What would it have been, Emma? Would you be with him, live here, if I wasn’t in the way?"
Shocked, she looks up at me about to answer but I don't let her speak a word.
Releasing both of her arms, my hands come up to grasp each side of her face, holding her in place as I harshly kiss her lips. Trailing my mouth to her neck, to her ear, I ask with poison in my voice, "Do you wish it was him here instead of me?"
"Lucas," she says trying to push me away.
I don't let her. Instead, I grab both of her hands and pin them to the wall over her head as I bring my lips back to hers. She turns her head but I place both her hands in one of mine, still pinning her as my now freed hand comes up to grasp her chin, holding her in place, forcing my lips on hers. I feel when she has given in and opens her mouth to me. Thrusting my tongue inside of her, I taste her, always wanting more of her. I know that deep down I’m reacting this way because I’m terrified of Emma’s dreams.
That this new revelation is driving me crazy because I don’t ever want to lose her.
Moving my mouth back to her ear, I whisper, "I'm going to fuck you now and you are going to keep your eyes open so that you know it's me."
I hear her gasp and I watch as her eyes widen.
But I don’t care. I have to remind her, in the only way that I know how, that what we have is real.
Perhaps needing to tangibly mark her as mine somehow in the process.
I release her chin to reach down to hastily tug my zipper down, my cock popping free as it throbs and aches to feel Emma surrounding me again.
Only Emma has ever made me feel this way and all I can think about is fulfilling this need to remind her of how I know I can make her feel.
Reaching up underneath her dress, and pushing her underwear to the side. I roughly finger her, watching her bite her lip, driving me mad.
"Wrap your legs around me," I say and grasp one of her legs to wrap around my waist. Anger and this pulsating need to make her realize that she is mine – only mine - still raging out of control through me.
I feel her lift her other leg, wrapping it tight around my waist, and satisfaction slides through me. Not wasting another moment, I hold her eyes as I plough into her. She screams my name, her eyes sliding closed in pleasure and it further drives me on. I never want anyone else to ever make her scream their name.
“Open your eyes, Emma,” I say as I stop my movements, feeling – just feeling – how she surrounds my cock so perfectly.
So god damn tightly that I can’t think past anyone but her.
I hear her sigh, watch as those beautiful lips part to expel the only air I want to breathe as her head falls back against the wall. Slowly, she slides her eyes open to hold mine.
And I can see that she wants this as much as me.
Pulling back, I drive myself repeatedly back and up into her, still holding her hands above her head, staring into her eyes, willing her to forget about him.
Willing her to forget about everything...
To stay with me.
She says my name again and I lose control, releasing myself into her. My eruption is so strong and so long, that I barely register her release. My head drops to her shoulder, both of us breathing heavily as reality returns.
And with reality comes remorse. I had let my jealousy take over along with my deeply seated fear of her leaving me to chase her dreams.
As I slide from Emma's body, I slowly allow my hands to release hers before stepping back from her.
Turning from her, completely spent physically – mentally - I head to the washroom, removing my clothes along the way. Turning on the shower, I step quickly under the hot water.
I had completely lost control, - I silently acknowledge.
Leaning my forehead against the wall underneath the spout, I try to reign in my jealousy...my fear.
I feel Emma's arms slide around me from behind, laying her head between my shoulder blades, and my body immediately absorbs the feeling of hers.
It’s like her body is a drug that mine is unwaveringly addicted to.
Turning around, I look into her eyes as I whisper, "I'm so sorry."
She smiles at me gently before leaning up to place a kiss on my lips, silencing me. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer for a deeper kiss.
She has the lips of an angel.
Stepping out of my arms, she takes the soap and gently washes my body, her hands soothing me as they slide over my slippery skin. Her ministrations work and I’m putty in her hands as she shuts off the shower before passing me a towel. We quickly dry off and then she is taking me by my hand to lead me to the bed. I pull back the covers and slide underneath, patting the spot next to me for Emma to join me. As she lays her head on my chest, running her fingers in little soothing circles over my heart, I close my eyes and just concentrate on breathing through this ache in my chest.
Only somewhat soothed, I wake many times throughout the night, reaching for Emma, pulling her back to me if she moved off my chest throughout the night.
It’s like I know somehow that things will never be the same. I had discovered things about Emma since I brought her here that I never knew.
And it has changed what was between us.
The next morning, I wait anxiously for Emma to wake. As she opens her eyes, I immediately reach for my phone on the night stand to change our flight. Emma stops me as she reaches out to take my phone.
"Lucas, I have no interest in Eric," she says quietly but firmly as she holds my gaze. "I would really like to stay, to explore more of California."
I stiffen, reach out again for my phone but the look on Emma's face stops me as she says softly, "You have to trust me, Lucas. You can't sweep me away every time you are jealous."
But it’s more than jealousy eating away at me. It’s her plea to stay to explore more of California. Now that I know this is where she had ultimately planned to live, I wanted to get her away from it.
But I also know I can’t say no to her request.
"He's an idiot," I spit out, my anger from last night returning along with my despair.
Those were dreams she had before she met me. They could have changed, - I silently convince myself. Willfully, I push away any doubts about Emma and what she really wants. Circumstances – people – change all the time.
Emma only smiles as she nods in agreement. Then she is sliding up against me, kissing me.
Emma’s breath whispers over my lips as she murmurs, "I agree. But Eric isn't here right now and he never will be."
She seduces the anger from me as she swings her leg up over me, positioning herself so that she can slide herself down onto me. I watch, losing myself in her, as she lifts and lowers making me forget about Eric for the moment.
After we shower together, we decide to arrange for a rental car to explore other wineries in the area. Despite wanting to leave, Emma convinces me to return to stay at Eric's B&B every evening after we have had dinner elsewhere, thus avoiding Eric the rest of our stay.
I can’t help but feel relief as we touch back down in Toronto. Eric and I had been acquaintances that kept in touch because of our mutual interest in the wine business but that would be over now. We were never close friends, more like someone to get together with to live up the night scene in either LA or Toronto. We’ve had some wild nights going from bar to bar, which always included picking up women for the night.
But none of the women had mattered, not like Emma.
He had crossed the line with Emma.
She mattered. A whole hell of a lot and I was glad to be back on my own turf.
Glancing at her sitting next to me in the car on the way home, I grasp her hand and bring it up to my lips to press a kiss to the back.
I’m in love with her, - I silently acknowledge.
The thought silently terrifies me.
Emma glances over at me and squeezes my hand and my heart twists. A smile spreads across her face and I pray that she feels the same for me.
That I’m now a part of her dreams.
Quinny, who had been staying with my parents, is ecstatic when we pick her up. I watch as she licks Emma's face excitedly when she stoops to pick her up. We have a quick coffee with my parents to catch up before continuing home.
Home...
Pulling into the driveway, I glance up at the house I had built and realize I never really considered it home until Emma was here with me.
I want her to always be in it, with me. Building a life here.
Feeling my heart flutter, I glance over at Emma, who is busy dealing with a squirming Quinny that’s on her lap, watching how she laughs at Quinny’s excitement to be home as well. My gaze rakes over her face, over her perfectly formed body and I know she is it for me. All that I will ever want.
She is my home.
She is what causes the blood to pump through my veins with purpose.
I’m going to ask Emma to stay here. To marry me, - I realize with slight shock, my heart beating thickly.
Emma glances up at me, her smile sliding away when she sees the intensity in my face.
"Lucas?" she asks worriedly.
Smiling, wanting to ease her fears, I reply softly as I reach my hand out to rub my thumb over her bottom lip, "This trip has not been all bad. It has made me realize something so very, very important."
Leaning over, I gently brush her lips with mine.
That's it. That's all I say, that’s all I do. When the time – the right time – comes for me to ask Emma to marry me, I want it to be perfect.
"And you’re not going to tell me what it is?" The smile is back on her face as she reaches out her hand to stroke my cheek.
Shaking my head, I grasp her hand to place a kiss on the back before replying teasingly, "I will...eventually." Another quick kiss to the back of her hand and then I hop out of the car before I end up revealing more than I want to right now.
This isn’t the right time and I want time to plan my proposal perfectly.
Rounding the car, I open Emma's door and place a swift kiss on her lips again before getting our luggage from the trunk.
Over the next couple of months, I put my plans in place and decide that April will be the perfect month. It’ll be warm enough to hire a boat to take us up the river to Niagara Falls. There, underneath one of the world’s seven natural wonders, I’ll ask Emma to marry me.
As time slips by, I’m sometimes internally conflicted about how Emma will respond. She has never brought up LA again and I’m not sure if that is a good sign or bad. Several times I open my mouth to ask her but I’m too terrified of the response to put it into words.
So instead I remain silent, worrying.
Sometimes confident that Emma will accept, other times terrified that she won't.
Finally, April 27 arrives and as I drive home with Emma from work on a Friday evening with the ring threatening to burn a hole in my pocket, I detect that her mood has changed from earlier this afternoon.
She seems a little withdrawn.
I reach over and grasp her hand, squeezing it reassuringly but she only gives me a wane smile, her eyes avoiding mine. I panic a little as I wonder if she has discovered my plans, that she wants to say no but doesn’t know how to tell me.
“Everything okay?” I ask, my heart beating loudly in my ears.
She sighs heavily and turns to look out the window at the passing scenery.
A few moments later, she replies softly, “I have something to tell you but I think it should wait until we get home.”
I feel bile rise in my throat as my stomach flips, then flops.
She knows and she doesn’t want to marry me, - my head begins it silent screaming.
I open my mouth to tell her to just tell me but nothing comes out.
A few minutes later, I pull into the driveway, my hand shaking as I put the car in park. Emma doesn’t wait for me as she opens her door and slides out.
Glancing at my shaking hands, swallowing back the bile, I close my eyes as I whisper, “Please God...don’t let her leave me.”
As if in slow motion – like there is an unreality to what is about to happen, I exit the car and follow Emma into the house. As the door swings shut behind us at our home, I brace myself as she ignores Quinny, and instead turns to face me.
"Lucas..." she says sighing.
My heart tears.
"Emma, we don't have to do this," I blurt out quickly, wanting to stop the words that she doesn’t want to marry me.
She seems disturbed, almost angry, as she asks heatedly, "Did Eric tell you about his proposal before he contacted me?"
Eric? – I find my mind silently stumbling over his name, my stomach completely bottoming out at hearing his name coming from her lips.
"Contacted me?" I ask, barely able to form the words.
Her gaze slides over my face, losing her anger, as she says remorsefully, "I guess not."
She sighs heavily, causing my stomach to heave violently and I have to swallow again.
"He called me with a business proposition. He is opening a restaurant in LA and has asked me to be his partner, giving me full rein to do as I please. He would be my investor and silent partner." I hear her say the words but I’m unable to believe them
Instead, I stare at her in shock.
She waits for a response from me but I’m unable to respond.
My world feels like it is tilting...
Falling away from me...
"Lucas," she whispers, reaching out her hand to me.
Then anger takes over. Hot and explosive.
"That god damn fucking bastard!" I spit out, slapping my hand down hard on the counter, causing Emma to jump. "He won't give up, will he?"
I start pacing, running my hands through my hair, wanting to tear it out.
“He dangled that in front of you to get to you,” I stop my pacing to stand in front of her as I continue, my rage evident, “Tell me you’re not considering it?”
Her eyes plead with me as she murmurs softly, "Lucas..."
I know from her face what she is about to tell me next.
My heart wrenches within my chest.
Shaking my head, I say pleadingly, "No, Emma."
She is going to break me, - my brain silently tries to warn my heart.
"I'm sorry Lucas but I want to consider it," she whispers, tears in her eyes.
I want to shake her. Can't she see? This is a ploy. Eric is playing with her.
Walking over to her, I grasp both of her arms as she looks up and into my face. Should I tell her I want to marry her? Would that get her to stay?
Opening my mouth, she doesn’t give me a chance as she stops me with her own words, as she says softly, "This has always been a dream of mine, Lucas. You have fulfilled yours and now I have a chance to fulfill mine."
Those softly spoken words have the desired effect. I back off, stung.
Turning from her, I brace my hands on the counter. I feel my insides shaking, filling with rage...despair.
Silence fills the room.
“Lucas?” I hear her ask after several moments of silence. I remain silent.
“Can we just talk about this? Talk it through?” she asks.
The only thing I can feel is myself shaking. My brain, my heart can’t seem to cope with anything else.
“It doesn’t mean the end of us, Lucas. We can try to find a way to make this work between us,” I feel her hands on my back, trying to sooth but it has the opposite effect.
“I’ll never consider a long-distance with you if you allow yourself to be bought by him,” I whisper angrily.
Even though I can’t see her, I can feel her flinch from my words.
"Maybe I should go back to the cottage. Give you time and space to think," she murmurs quietly.
I don't say anything because I can't. I don't want her to go but I don't have the will power to not scream at her.
To not beg her.
Because this is the one thing I can’t compete with. She has the opportunity to explore her dream.
An opportunity I can’t give her but Eric can.
She hesitates, waiting for a response and a few moments later, I hear the door click shut behind her. Something drops on the countertop in front of me and I realize that it is a tear. Angrily, I swipe at my eyes, feeling hopelessly, irrevocably - broken.
Feeling raw, that I will fly apart into tiny emotional pieces at any moment, I whisper through my hoarse throat, “There’s no way she can walk away from us.”
Lifting my head, I stare at the closed door that Emma had just walked through.
How could she have so easily dismissed what we have?
“There’s no way she can walk away,” I repeat again in another hoarse whisper.
Not if she cared as much as I do.
But maybe that’s the problem.
She doesn’t care as much as me.
Snickering at myself, my foolishness in almost asking her to marry me tonight, I remove the ring from my jeans pocket. Wrapping my hand around the velvet box, I squeeze it tightly. I had painstakingly gone from jewelry store to jewelry store, searching for the right one, wanting everything about this evening to be perfect. Sarcasm races through me that this ring is the only thing I have left of Emma.
While I had been planning a future, an entire life with Emma, she had been on a completely different path than me.
Instead, she is leaving me. Moving on.
Leaving me with nothing but a broken heart.
Needing to release some of these emotions, I throw on my running gear. Passing the cottage, I don't slow down or glance in. Instead, I speed up, wanting to put distance between us, between this hurt she has inflicted on me.
She came into my life, snaked herself around my heart and has left me reeling. Now she is planning to leave me, to go to Eric.
Why couldn't I have been enough for her? - beats through my head, like a pulse, over and over.
I quicken my pace even more, running...running...
I feel a pain in my chest, taking my already shortened breath away. Forced to stop, my chest heaves as I gasp for air, the world tipping a little. More tears mix with sweat as I bend forward, trying to right my world.
A few moments later, I’m completely drained as I turn and slowly walk back. It takes me a long time to reach my house as I stumble along, numb. I’m completely sapped of any energy to think, to move. Pushing myself to get a shower, I do so methodically, my mind torturing me with memories of Emma. Of how we would sometimes shower together and I would watch the way the bubbles from the soap would slide down the slope of her breast, clinging to the tip of her perfect nipple before continuing its path down her body. Angrily, I turn off the shower and quickly dry myself and dress in shorts and a t-shirt before heading back to my living room, grabbing a bottle of scotch along the way. Sitting on the sofa, I open the bottle and drink until I can’t think anymore.
One shot after the other.
The next morning, I wake on the couch where I had drunk myself into oblivion. My phone is ringing persistently on the kitchen counter from where I had left it yesterday evening. Bringing my hand up to my head, I press in on my right temple, trying to alleviate the pain that is throbbing there.
It doesn't help.
Pushing myself to a seated position, I pause. My head is swirling – aching – matching my heart.
I feel weakened. And not only from my hangover.
I lightly - disdainfully - chuckle aloud at myself.
I fell head over heels for a woman whom I did not bother to ask what she wanted, what her dreams were. I had just assumed she would want me, be happy with me here, living my dream. I know that had been selfish of me.
I also know that deep down its selfish to expect her to give up her dreams but maybe if she had told me about them, I would have kept a little piece of my heart from her before it was too late.
My phone rings again and I lean forward to place my head in my hands, willing the phone to stop, sighing deeply in relief when it does. Pushing myself to a standing position, I slowly walk with my throbbing head, to the counter. Picking up my phone, I’m surprised to see that it is 10am and I have missed six phone calls from my parents, one right after the other. Not able to deal with talking to anyone until I have had coffee and a shower, I decide to do both before returning their calls. As I exit the shower, I hear my doorbell ringing repeatedly – persistently.
I quickly pull on clothes.
Angrily, I stride to the door, pissed that I can't be left alone, furious with both myself and Emma. Swinging it open, all my anger drains as my mother immediately steps forward, wrapping her arms around my waist and laying her head on my chest.
A lump forms in my throat.
Emma must have told them of her decision to leave and it’s why my mom is here now.
I gratefully wrap my arms around my mom.
"Oh...Lucas..." she says, quietly. Her voice is filled with remorse.
I squeeze her, unable to form words around that damn lump in my throat.
She doesn't say anything else for several more minutes and I know she is giving me time.
Finally, I’m able to speak.
"I had planned to ask her to marry me last night," I admit in a whisper.
She stiffens momentarily in my arms before lifting her face from my chest to look up at me. I hate seeing the pity for me written clearly across her face.
"I'm so sorry, Lucas. I had hoped for and suspected that you had met the girl you wanted to marry. I never thought for a moment that she didn't feel the same," she says quietly, tears in her eyes.
"I did too," I whisper through trembling lips as I place my forehead against my mom's.
"Maybe she will change her mind?" she whispers.
Lifting my head away from my mother’s, I release her before I walk to the kitchen. I feel my anger rise, shaking my head, as I reply, "No, I think she knows that if she did, she will always wonder what if. I know I can’t live with that, be with a woman who is questioning if being with me is the right thing for her. I only found out about her plans when we were in California. She told me then it was her dream and by that time, it was too late for me to keep myself from falling for her. "
“What about a long-distance relationship?” my mother asks softly.
Shaking my head, I respond, “It’s all or nothing for me. Plus, her being there with Eric, it would drive me mad. I would be on edge waiting for the phone call to tell me she is with him. I’m already suffering enough; I won’t let this drag out.”
My mother doesn't say anything, keeping her thoughts to herself as I pour a cup of coffee for both of us. We head outside, neither one of us speaking as the sun streams down on the vines that I had so painstakingly and lovingly planted.
Had hoped that mine and Emma’s children would be running through sometime in the near future.
I sit there, my mother silently understanding that the only thing I need right now is stillness but still appreciating her company, as I contemplate how to come to terms that that image will never be fulfilled.
Because Emma is leaving.
And I have to move forward. Move on.
Without her.
It will be hard but as I told my mother, it’s all or nothing for me.
"I should be heading into work. I have a position to fill that is best taken care of sooner rather than later," I say quietly to mom after we finish our coffee and I feel I can better face what’s before me.
She nods, her worried eyes scanning my face. As we both stand, she gives me a quick hug as she murmurs, "Don't let this take you down, Lucas. There is someone out there for you."
I don't respond because she doesn't understand. I know she saw Emma and I together, knew that I had fallen way too deep but she didn’t know I had felt this invisible but strong link to Emma from the start.
This strong premonition that she was to be mine.
So I had jumped in, with both feet, never feeling that I was wrong and now I needed to end this...and quickly...for my own sanity.
Arriving at work, I avoid everyone's probing eyes, knowing that someone had already told them. Their faces clearly show concern and pity and it only makes the hurt throb even more deeply because even they could see how much I had fallen for Emma.
Deciding that the best course of action is to deal with everything swiftly and without emotion, I head straight to Emma's office. My heart beats erratically when I arrive at her open door. I watch her for a moment, going about her daily tasks like she had not ripped my world apart. With my heart yearning for her, I silently wish for everything to go back to what it was before yesterday.
My heart beats heavily in my ears, its thrumming a reminder of just how much she owns it, as I force out in an even tone, "I think it's best that you leave right away."
Her head comes up swiftly at my words, and I see that she has been crying, her makeup running down her face.
And I wish I could wake up with amnesia.
That all that we had together would just be completely forgotten. It would be the only thing that could make this easier.
Because I know that otherwise, I will never forget Emma. Will never want anyone else like I wanted – still want – her.
"Lucas," she says softly, a pleading note in her voice. My heart squeezes.
And it’s so god damn painful.
"Emma, I can't have you here," I say softly but firmly.
She nods, dropping her eyes from my face. I watch as she stands, smoothing her pencil skirt down her hips, the hips that I once held as I pushed myself into her.
My heart twists again and I want to stride over to her, shake her, make her realize that this is a stupid mistake. But I can’t ask her to give up her dreams. She wouldn’t be Emma if she didn’t have her own dreams. So instead, I stay where I am as she collects her purse along with a few other items. As she moves past me, it takes everything in me to keep my hands to myself.
Even when she is gone, her scent remains, torturing me. Rubbing my hands over my face, I step out of her office and gently close the door.
I know my life will never be the same.
Chapter 13