Trading Cards: Philosophers as Drag Queens

Confucius 551–479

Location: Shandong, China

Drag Name: Mistress King

Drag Mother: Gia Gunn

Tag line: Say what?

Skills: reading aristocracy to filth, exemplary morals

Best Drag: pantsuit nation, hot for teacher

Aristotle 384–322

Location: Athens, Greece

Drag Name: Meta Physica

Drag Mother: BeBe Zahara Benet

Tag line: I am whatever you perceive I am.

Skills: Untucked gossip, huge wig collection, impromptu poetry recitation

Best Drag: Toga party, dresses covered in fake monkey

Epicurus 341–270

Location: Athens, Greece

Drag Name: Mad Honey

Drag Mother: Silky Nutmeg Ganache

Tag line: Come into my garden!

Skills: Infectious laughter, sewing challenges

Best Drag: Daytime drag, flower power

William of Occam 1285–1347

Location: Occam, England

Drag Name: Razor Thin

Drag Mom: Adore Delano

Tag line: I’m from Occam—I’ll cut a bitch.

Skills: Latin lip-syncs and Latin dance

Best Drag: Monk robe realness

René Descartes 1596–1650

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Cartesia

Drag Mother: Ongina

Tag Line: Cogito Ergo Cum.

Skills: rationalizing bad feedback, doubting good feedback

Best Drag: School girl

David Hume 1711–1776

Location: Edinburgh, Scotland

Drag Name: Cabbage

Drag Mother: Kim Chi

Tag Line: Fat, femme, and Scottish!

Skills: constant tea service

Best Drag: wigs on wigs on wigs

Immanuel Kant 1724–1804

Location: Königsberg, Prussia

Drag Name: Imma CUNT

Drag Mother: Detox Icunt

Tag line: Category is: Imperative realness.

Skills: Doesn’t untuck for days, punctual, sober

Best Drag: Fur and winter coats

Georg W.F. Hegel 1770–1831

Location: Berlin, Germany

Drag Name: Wine DeVine

Drag Mother: Jujubee

Tag line: If you have to ask, you don’t get it.

Skills: Beating Lil’ Bitch in lip-syncs, drinks wine from RedBull cans

Best Drag: Synthetic fabrics and problem patterns

Arthur Schopenhauer 1788–1860

Location: Frankfurt, Germany

Drag Name: Lil’ Bitch

Drag Mother: Bianca Del Rio

Tag Line: No T, All Hate.

Skills: Roasts and reads, shaving face and legs fast

Best Drag: Bitchfest, pooch in a purse

Friedrich Nietzsche 1844–1900

Location: Germany

Drag Name: Zara Thustra

Drag Mother: Milk

Tag line: God is dead, long live Drag.

Skills: Bending over backwards for Wagner, Dionysian raves

Best Drag: syphilitic superhero, bushy brows, silks

W.E.B. du Bois 1868–1963

Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA

Drag Name: Nadya Boi

Drag Mother: Latrice Royal

Tag Line: Bow, for I am the Dark Princess.

Skills: Perfect Color Combinations

Best Drag: Gone with the window, hats

Martin Heidegger 1889–1976

Location: Freiburg, Germany

Drag Name: Phenomena Logica

Drag Mother: Alyssa Edwards

Tag Line: You can’t design Dasein.

Skills: clocking superiority, removes makeup quickly

Best Drag: furry cosplay, pyrotechnic headgear

Ludwig Wittgenstein 1889–1951

Location: Cambridge, England

Drag Name: Gretchen Liebling

Drag Mother: Pearl

Tag Line: [silence]

Skills: Makeover challenges, contouring and highlights

Best Drag: Best Drag

Karl Popper 1902–1994

Location: London, UK

Drag Name: Annie Poppers

Drag Mother: Willam

Tag Line: Verify, falsify, kaikai!

Skills: Self-made props

Best Drag: BDSM realness

Jean-Paul Sartre 1905–1980

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Ex It

Drag Mother: Roxxxy Andrews

Tag line: Everybody’s free, but it doesn’t matter.

Skills: chain smoking, pranking in the workroom, stealing ideas from hags

Best Drag: collection of glasses to rival Michelle Visage

Hannah Arendt 1906–1975

Location: New York, USA

Drag Name: Fräulein Latka

Drag Mother: Miz Cracker

Tag Line: Time for Shabbes!

Skills: Can smoke five cigarettes at once, has kai kai’ed with Phenomena Logica

Best Drag: Antifascist eleganza extravaganza, court reporter realness

Simone de Beauvoir 1908–1986

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Sexy Seconds

Drag Mother: Alaska

Tag line: Don’t be a femme fatalist.

Skills: serving body, putting up with Ex It

Best Drag: ultra fish, multi-layer reveals

Albert Camus 1913–1960

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Cece Voss

Drag Mother: Manila Luzon

Tag line: C’est la D!

Skills: handsome out of drag, Despy Awards winner

Best Drag: Algerian Nights fantasy

Roland Barthes 1915–1980

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Semiotica

Drag Mother: Sharon Needles

Tag line: Gender is mythology.

Skills: Appearing universal, crushing it on Instagram

Best Drag: sanatorium vacation, anything off the rack

Gilles Deleuze 1925–1995

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Rhizo Marx

Drag Mother: Chi Chi DeVayne

Tag line: Difference is everything.

Skills: Minding own business, partner challenges

Best Drag: looks on a dime, well-timed snatch game vulgarities

Michel Foucault 1926–1984

Location: Paris, France

Drag Name: Michelle Foucault

Drag Mother: Sasha Velour

Tag line: Drag is power.

Skills: amiable workroom discourse, sloppy exploitation of loopholes

Best Drag: bondage eleganza, turtleneck jumpers

Slavoj Zizek 1949–

Location: Slovenia

Drag Name: Ivana B. Filmic

Drag Mother: Katya

Tag line: You don’t own me, ha!

Skills: slaying video challenges, conspirational alliances

Best Drag: Proletarian realness, bearded lady