‘So she’s still not talking to you, huh?’ Cassie asks as I hold the base of the candy-striped parasol.
‘Nope,’ I say, squinting up at her in the early morning sunshine. ‘Not if she can help it.’
Cassie sighs sympathetically. ‘Well, I guess you just have to wait it out. It can’t last forever.’
‘I don’t know …’ I murmur. ‘But thankfully Mum knows to stay out of it. She seems to have this belief that it’ll blow over …’
‘It will! You’re twins. Hey, at least we know what today’s new thing is going to be!’ Cassie waggles her eyebrows at me. I swallow hard.
‘Yea …’ It’s not that I’m not looking forward to my hot date with Cal later, I’m just, well, nervous. Not nervous about … the thing. The actual sex part. Just nervous about everything around it.
‘You feeling OK about it?’ Cassie asks.
‘Yeah, sure!’ I say, brightly.
‘You don’t sound convinced.’
I sigh. ‘Is it … going to hurt?’
‘Maybe. I’m not going to tell you that it’s not.’
‘Guhhhh,’ I say, tipping my head back in defeat.
‘Don’t wind yourself up about it too much because then you’ll panic and it’ll probably hurt more because you’re stressed,’ she says, resting reassuring hands on my shoulders. ‘You’re meant to enjoy it, but don’t worry if it’s not like amazing and perfect first time, that’s like … very normal.’
‘OK, I hear you,’ I say, as confidently as possible. ‘I just find the thought of being, like, fully naked in front of someone quite … a lot? You know?’
‘Yeah.’ She shrugs thoughtfully. ‘It is. But … you know there’s nothing wrong with your body, right?’
‘Right,’ I say, a little distracted. ‘It’s just a whole new frontier. I guess I won’t really know how I’ll feel until I’m in the moment …’
In general, I tiptoe around the subject with Cassie. Part of me wants to know if she’s had sex with Jack yet, and the other part wants to bury its head in the sand and never have to know. But I am glad I can awkwardly hit her up for advice.
Lucky for me, we’re not going to get a moment’s peace today. The queues are long from the moment we open. Everyone knows it’s the last really hot day of the year. The heatwave has been all over the news and word is that the temperature is going to drop overnight. But being here, during a hectic work day, is better than being home with Daisy. It feels safe just being around Cassie. I can breathe properly, and I don’t have to be constantly on my guard.
‘Fancy a drink?’ Cassie asks as we’re closing up for the day. A knot forms in my stomach at the thought of saying no to her.
‘I can’t …’ I say, slowly. ‘Remember?’
She hits herself on the forehead. ‘Duh! Your romantic evening! How about this weekend though?’
‘Yeah, definitely!’
‘And we should do something a little different at some point too! Let’s go to the park and have a picnic or something? Or the beach! Seaforth for a change of scenery? For tomorrow we can just grab a drink?’ Cassie asks. ‘Unless you think you’ll still be at Cal’s then …’
‘No way, I’m not going to sleep over,’ I say, realizing the idea hadn’t even crossed my mind. ‘Tomorrow afternoon is perfect.’
‘You don’t think it’s weird, right?’
‘What?’ I ask.
‘I guess I mean … like, us spending all week working together then hanging out together on the weekend, too?’
‘Nah. Even if it is I don’t think I care that much,’ I say, shrugging. I think of my horrible breakfast with Molly.
‘Me either,’ she says, squinting and turning her face up to the sun. She takes her baseball cap off and lets her hair gently bounce back into its usual shape after having been flattened by the hat. She’s so beautiful.
As we’re winding down for the day, Señor Mango Sorbet and Lady Red Plum appear, grimacing and looking apologetic, asking if they’re too late. We let them off. We’re nice like that.. ‘Ever drawn them?’ I ask Cassie.
‘Weirdly, no,’ she replies. ‘Maybe today’s the day.’
‘It’s been a while,’ I say to them.
‘He’s been working too hard! Hasn’t been able to leave at a decent hour,’ Lady Red Plum says, shaking her head. ‘Even today I’ve only got him for now and then he’s out at some colleague or other’s leaving drinks.’
‘Well, we’re happy you’re both back. Customer retention is very important to us here at Palmer’s,’ Cassie says with a wink before serving them their usual and watching them wander off. There’s something comforting about the familiarity. Like even if I won’t be here to see it, everything will just carry on as usual in my absence. Even in the winter, Palmer’s Ices does good business.
‘Is your mum still internet dating?’
‘Yes, there seems to be this one guy, though, rather than general dating. I think she’s seeing him later on,’ I say.
‘Big night for romance in Weston Bay.’ Cassie wiggles her eyebrows at me, suggestively, and maybe I’m imagining it but there’s something in her eyes that doesn’t quite match up.
‘Yeah! And who can believe it’s me doing the romance?’
‘But you do really like him, right?’ Cassie asks.
I’m taken aback a little. ‘Yeah, sure, why not? Should I not?’ I garble
‘No, it’s not that …’ Cassie reaches out and puts her hand on my arm. ‘I just wanted to make sure.’
Before long, I find myself walking to the flat Cal shares with a couple of other guys. I’m kind of excited to see him without the Daisy drama holding me back. Now it’s out in the open, I’m free to just enjoy myself, no longer weighed down by all the sneakery. I mean yeah, I’m still dealing with the fallout of previous sneakery, but I’ll deal with that later. Right now I’m just basking in the joy of dating someone who’s cool and strong enough to know their own mind, who’s kind and interesting, who likes me for who I am.
I check my reflection in the window of a parked car a couple of houses down. I’m wearing a brilliant-white T-shirt tucked into a pleated leopard-print skirt – it was a strategic choice: cute … but easy to get on and off. I tuck my hair behind my ear, then untuck it again, then tie my hair in a ponytail, then let it down again, exactly like it was before I started messing around with it. I almost jump out of my skin when the window starts rolling down.
‘Oh my god! I’m so sorry!’ I say to the woman peering back at me from the inside of the car. ‘I didn’t know anyone was there!’
‘Don’t worry about it.’ She beams, squinting at me in the early evening light. ‘I just wanted to reassure you that you look beautiful. Keep your hair down, like that.’
‘Oh! Thank you,’ I say, blushing.
‘Alright if I drive off now? You done using my window as a mirror?’ she asks, kindly.
‘Yes, of course! Sorry, it’s so cringe, I feel so vain!’
‘Don’t worry about it!’ she says. ‘Have a nice evening!’ With that, she drives off. I’m half mortified, half touched.
I knock on the door and am somehow surprised when Cal answers it, still discombobulated from being caught out in my vanity.
‘Hey!’ Cal says, drawing me into a hug on the doorstep. He’s wearing a navy-blue striped apron and holding a big wooden spoon in his hand.
‘I like your new look,’ I say as he leads me into the flat.
‘Ha, thanks,’ he calls over his shoulder, heading back into the kitchen to put down the spoon and detangle himself from the apron. ‘I hope you like spaghetti carbonara,’ he says when he returns to kiss me in the living room.
‘Who doesn’t!’
‘Uh, vegetarians, I guess?’ Cal says good-naturedly, running a hand through his hair which is damp with kitchen sweat. ‘It’s nearly ready!’
His flat is small, but neat and well looked after, with piles of books everywhere and an acoustic guitar in one corner. The sofas are battered but the cushions on them are bright and stylish. My expectations for a home inhabited by three young men were … low, to be honest, but I’m pleasantly surprised.
I follow him into the kitchen which is, again, small, but has a little semicircle-shaped table set for two (you couldn’t fit any more on it anyway) and a low candle burning. I blush, almost embarrassed by the thought of Cal making an effort for me.
‘Well, this is nice …’ I say, sitting at one of the rickety chairs. For a moment I’m convinced I’m going to break it. I don’t break it. I never do break it, but the thought crosses my mind every time.
‘I hope you say that about the pasta too! Sorry it’s not much, I haven’t been home from work that long.’ He casts around distractedly, looking for something, before landing on a pair of tongs that he uses to extract the glistening strands from the pan and set them down onto two waiting plates. It smells amazing.
For someone only a year older than me, he’s very good at, like … living in the world. There’s no way I could be this comfortable living so far away from home, and all on my own. But then again, when I’m with Cal I feel so sure of myself. Maybe Leeds won’t be so bad – if he can do it, why can’t I?
‘You didn’t need to do this, you know,’ I say, when we’ve finished.
‘Yeah, I did. I mean, firstly I needed to eat dinner, and secondly I didn’t want to make you feel like I only wanted you to come over for …’ He trails off. ‘You know.’
‘Oh … that’s OK. I don’t think that.’ He just … likes me. No angle, no ulterior motive. He just likes me.
He stands to put the dishes in the sink. ‘I’ll deal with those later. My housemates are away for the weekend on some camping trip. I told them there was no way I was sleeping in a tent in these temperatures.’
‘Just the thought of it makes me feel sick,’ I say, wiping my brow with the back of my hand. It is the last day of the heatwave, but part of me can’t understand how it’s just going to magically drop ten degrees overnight.
‘Not much of an outdoorsy type?’
‘Absolutely not,’ I say, laughing. ‘My sister Daisy is, though. And my mum, too, actually. She’s kind of adventurous. Not sure what went so wrong with me in the gene pool.’
‘Absolutely nothing went wrong with you,’ he says, before kissing me.
For a moment I feel self-conscious of him touching my body, feeling the sweat through the back of my T-shirt, but I know he’s safe and I know he knows what my body is like. He likes me. And my body is part of that. So I just let it happen and kiss him back. I take hold of the back of his head and feel the silkiness of his hair under my fingers.
Whatever nerves I’d worked up seem to have disappeared. It’s Cal. He’s safe. We work. ‘Do you want to … ?’ I trail off.
We head upstairs. His room doesn’t have much stuff in it, which is unsurprising because he’s on his travels. But like the rest of the house, it’s well looked after.
‘You … have done this before, right?’ I ask him.
‘Yeah.’ He nods. ‘Have you?’
‘No … is that a problem?’
‘No, it’s not. It’s just good to know, you know? Do you feel OK about it?’
‘Yeah, I feel fine,’ I say reflexively, which doesn’t accurately convey my enthusiasm. ‘More than fine. I don’t know why I said fine.’
This kind, warm awkwardness continues onto the bed where we mess around, fumble and undress among nervous laughter and gentle encouragements.
And then … it happens. It just happens. I’m expecting it to hurt but it doesn’t, not really. It’s actually … pretty nice? I guess I’ve just heard one too many horror stories from girls in my class about incompetent idiot boys and thought that was the way it had to be. Should I ask Cassie what it was like with Jack? Was she more … into it than I am? And then I wonder if I should be thinking about Cassie at a time like this and force myself to return to the present moment, the one where I’m having sex for the first time.
When it’s over, I lie there, and I feel so exposed. He’s the first person to have seen me naked. To have seen my whole body. All of it. I feel so comfortable with him. But it’s still there, that prickle of doubt.
‘You look serious,’ Cal says, propping himself up on his elbow and surveying me from his side of the bed.
‘It’s just weird, I guess.’
‘What’s weird?’
‘I … can’t really get my head around … this,’ I say, gesturing between us. ‘Like … why do you even like me? It’s not like there aren’t loads of other girls who are interested in you.’ Maybe it’s a bad thing that I feel so comfortable with Cal, because then I feel empowered to ask stupid questions like this.
‘Jesus, Lily, I just like you, you know? It’s not something you can really account for or explain. Sometimes you just see someone and think … Yeah.’ He’s looking at me with an expression of such confusion, like it hadn’t crossed his mind that I would think this about myself. ‘I’m not, like, better than you, you know that, right? You don’t need to be so suspicious of me.’
‘I guess … it’s just weird sometimes, listening to other people.’
‘Other people suck. Especially around here. You’re great. Don’t forget that.’
I sigh. ‘Thank you. Sorry I’m being weird.’
He touches my stomach as I lie there. I don’t flinch or try to move away. I just let his hand rest there, on the soft flesh.
Am I meant to feel different now I’ve had sex? I’m glad I got it out of the way before I go to university, I guess, but also I was never really that worried about it. It was more the whole … naked thing that was freaking me out. And there are way worse people to do it with than Cal. I might not be remotely experienced in that department, but I am sure he wasn’t a bad place to start. It was good, and I feel lucky, even though everyone deserves a first time like that. I want to talk to Cassie about it because I talk to Cassie about everything. Or at least, I used to. There are more and more things that I’m not talking to her about these days.
When I get home, I’m surprised that the lights are on downstairs. I thought everyone would be in bed by now.
Please don’t let it be Daisy. Please don’t let it be Daisy. Please don’t let it be Daisy, I think as I turn my key in the lock. But of course it is. So much for twin telepathy.
‘What have you been up to?’ she asks from the kitchen doorway, holding a glass of water.
‘Nothing. Just at Cal’s,’ I tell her.
She rolls her eyes, turns off the lights and turns to head upstairs.
‘Is this how it’s going to be forever now?’ I ask, impatiently.
‘You say that like it’s my decision. You’re the one who calls the shots around here,’ she says, before walking up the stairs, leaving me standing in the dark hall.