I’m lying awake on Monday morning, trying not to think about Señor Mango Sorbet, or Cal, or Cassie (who I forgot to text back last night amid the drama), or uni, or how mixed up I feel about, well, everything. It’s a good job I needed to wake up a bit earlier than usual today anyway, so I can have some time with Crystal before she returns to her real mum. I’m not surprised when I pad into the living room that Daisy is already there, stroking Crystal on her lap.
‘She’s a good cat, isn’t she?’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘It’s no wonder her owner wouldn’t want to be without her.’ Crystal has jumped off Daisy’s lap and come to slink through my legs. I pick her up and hold her like a baby, kissing her on her fluffy head. ‘I’ll miss you, Crystal.’
I carry her back to the sofa and sit next to Daisy, and Crystal stretches out across our laps. We sit in silence and stroke her.
‘You two can be so cute sometimes,’ Mum says when she comes in, holding a cup of tea.
‘Alas, I can’t stay here forever, I can’t leave Cassie hanging,’ I say, standing up while seamlessly trying to transfer Crystal to Daisy’s arms. ‘Crystal, you are a perfect cat, and I am so happy for you that you’re going to see your mum again.’
I feel a little sad when I’m getting dressed, but I know it’s for the best. I wish Mum didn’t have this on her plate after work as well as whatever the Tony situation’s going to throw at her. When I head out, I blow a kiss to Crystal, and hug Mum, which is something I should do more often. In the few seconds I have my arms around her, I’m flooded with so many thoughts and questions. How would she feel if she knew about me? I don’t even know why I’m wondering about this, I know she would be fine about it, she wouldn’t even think twice. But I wonder if it’ll change how she sees me.
Actually, getting dressed for work is a new challenge in itself. I wonder what I should wear for my first shift since … well, since I figured things out. I feel like I’m looking at everything through new eyes, and with this fresh perspective I feel a not-so-strange motivation to look cute for work. Not just a T-shirt and jeans anymore. I throw on a short-sleeve shirt dress with bright brushstroke prints all over it. Cuter than usual.
‘Oh boy,’ I say to Cassie when I get to the stand. I try to pretend my heart isn’t racing and my mouth isn’t dry and that I feel totally fine seeing her. Her smile is dazzling. I just need to keep pretending everything’s normal. Fortunately I have a good conversational distraction. ‘What a time I have had since I last saw you!’
‘How?! It was only two days ago?’ Cassie’s wearing navy-blue lipstick and a gold lamé jumpsuit underneath her apron and looks, frankly, incredible. ‘You look cute, by the way!’
‘Well,’ I begin, trying not to take that compliment to heart and trying not to look too closely at her eyelashes even though the sun is adding a soft shine to their inky black lengths. ‘It concerns last night’s cosy little get-together with Mum’s man. So he came over for dinner last night as you know, and it was none other than …’
‘Who?!’ Cassie says, no patience for my dramatic flourish.
‘Señor Mango Sorbet! Whose name is actually Tony, which is much less interesting.’
‘Wow … he’s, like, definitely married isn’t he?’ Cassie grimaces.
‘Definitely.’
‘Did you tell your mum?’
‘Not yet, I’ve decided if he comes by the stand today I’ll tell him to end it, and if he doesn’t do it himself, I’ll have to.’
‘Bloody hell,’ she says, wide-eyed. ‘I hope I’m not off for a loo break if he does show up! I want to see you, you know, getting involved with something. Most unlike you.’
‘Really?’ I ask, defensively.
She pauses like she’s trying to figure out the kindest way to say what she wants to. ‘You are the best person in the world but you are not a doer, by nature. You are totally capable of taking action, but you have to feel like it’s something only you can do. You have more power and agency than you realize, I think.’
‘Huh. Well. Today’s new thing can be sorting something out myself for once. If he shows up.’
‘Speak of the devil,’ she says, and I whip round to see him approaching the stand, solo. ‘Oh my god, what a way to begin our working week!’ Cassie’s breathing heavily, electrified with the impending drama. She reaches out and grabs my hand to squeeze it but I yank it away like I’ve been burned.
Cassie doesn’t have time to react because Tony’s walking quickly, approaching the stand and looking over his shoulder every few steps.
‘Hello, Tony,’ I say flatly.
‘Look, can I have a word?’ He tugs at his collar and I can see he’s sweating even though the temperature is pleasantly bearable.
‘Alright,’ I say, pulling off my baseball cap and slinking out from behind the stand. ‘I won’t be long, Cassie.’ She looks disappointed not to witness the exchange.
We walk in silence to the other side of the green. ‘So?’ I ask.
‘Look,’ he says again. ‘I know what I’ve done is wrong, I know that.’
‘Good. Do you want a medal?’
‘No … I just wanted to say, it was stupid of me. I’ve never done anything like it before. I was just … bored. I didn’t really plan on meeting anyone on the app, and then I started talking to your mum and she’s just so … brilliant and beautiful and I was so bored at home.’
‘I honestly don’t care what your reasons are, all I care about is that you’re going to stick a pin in this,’ I say, looking him right in the eye.
‘I will, I will, I’m sorry,’ he grovels. ‘But please, if you see my wife around town … I’m begging you not to say anything.’
I exhale furiously. ‘She doesn’t deserve this. And you don’t deserve her. But I’m not going to get involved in someone else’s family drama.’
‘Thank you,’ he says, looking like he’s about to collapse with pure relief. ‘Thank you so much. It’s been a nightmare trying to juggle this … hotels, lies, feelings.’
‘Don’t try to get me to sympathize with you. You’re a grown man. You’ve made your bed. Now I have to get back to work,’ I say. ‘Just let my mum down gently, she’s a person too.’
‘I will, I promise. I swear.’
‘Alright. Bye, Tony. Hope you enjoy the rest of the summer without your mango sorbet.’
‘Jesus, I hadn’t even thought of that …’ he says as he turns to walk back towards town.
I head back to the stand and recount the details to Cassie.
‘God, what a snake!’
‘Do you think I was wrong to agree not to tell his wife?’
‘No, not at all. It’s not your family. You’ve done your bit for your family.’
A family with four kids turns up at the stand in search of ice cream, all different flavours and configurations of cones and cups. I go to pick up the scoop but Cassie reaches for it at the same time and I’m just left holding her hand like an idiot. I look up at her and she’s laughing and I realize I should laugh too, so I crack a smile and hope that’s enough.
Having this stuff going on with my mum has been a convenient, if all too brief distraction from the fact that things aren’t really working for me and Cal. But I don’t want to throw it all away because I just like him so much. He’s so good and kind and fun to spend time with and hang out and watch films with and, honestly? He’s hot as hell and that counts for a lot! Plus, he’s leaving at the end of the summer anyway. And as long as I’m with Cal it means there’s no reason at all for me to think about Cassie as anything more than a friend. He’s like the world’s hottest safety net.
A few times throughout the day, I get the feeling Cassie wants to say something to me, but every time she opens her mouth to speak, she shuts it again and then comes out with casual chat a moment later. But nothing we talk about today is enough to stop my mind from wandering. I crave distraction. The word homesick keeps swirling around in my head. It sounds childish, not something an eighteen-year-old should be thinking about. But do we ever really outgrow our families? It’s like all the unhappiness has started already and is piling up on top of me. I don’t even get to enjoy this time I have left because all I can do is worry about the future.
I take a different route home than usual, wanting to drag it out a bit. It takes me past a bus shelter, and pasted on one of the walls I notice another one of those fascist posters. I tear it down, rip it in half and shove it in the bin next to the shelter, and I feel the anger bubbling inside me at the way Tony thought he could behave with brilliant, beautiful women. At the way Crystal’s owner was driven out of her home by an abusive man. At the way people like my uncle and Mark and … well, me, have to be afraid on the streets of their town. At the way anyone would feel empowered enough in their own disgusting beliefs to put up something like this.
When I get home, I run upstairs, nearly knocking Daisy over in the process, and throw myself on my bed. I lie face down, buried in my pillow, and let myself cry and cry and turn everything over in my head and really let myself think about how much I don’t want to go away to university next year and how much I don’t want to stop painting and how much I don’t want to leave Cassie. I lie there for a while with my face in the damp pillow, heaving with ragged breathing. Over my panicked sobs, I’m sure I can hear someone calling my name.
‘Lily!’ I realize it’s my sister calling impatiently from the garden. At least this time I know she’ll just want to find out if Tony showed up today, rather than yell at me about something I’ve done. ‘Lily!’ Actually, it sounds urgent, so I hoist myself out of bed and make my way downstairs, through the kitchen and out the back door. I take care not to let Crystal out before remembering Crystal is gone, and I try not to feel sad about it, instead remembering to feel happy that she’s back with her real owner who probably missed her loads.
‘What?’ I ask, which comes out slightly impatiently.
‘Look,’ urges Daisy. And I see what it is that she wants me to look at. The little garden is absolutely full of painted lady butterflies. Some are beating their wings in the air, others are resting on the flowers in bloom. Their black-dappled red wings are glowing in the evening light, and the sight of them all together is just extraordinary. ‘It’s the buddleia, that’s what’s attracting them,’ she says, pointing to the purple bush in one corner of the garden.
‘It’s amazing, Daisy. It’s so beautiful,’ I say, and I really mean it. ‘You did this!’
‘Nature did this, I just helped it all on its way.’ She blushes.
‘Well, it’s really cool. Thank you,’ I say, pulling gently on her long dark plait that’s resting on the back of her old, oversized T-shirt. We stand in silence and watch the butterflies swirl and land and lift and fly away until one by one they’re all gone. I feel my eyes fill with tears at all the time I’ve wasted this summer arguing with Daisy, at all the things she could have shown me, told me, taught me in that time, all the things I could have talked to her about. She turns to look at me and when she sees me, she almost looks hurt herself. Wow, my eyes must be pretty bloodshot.
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘Well, that’s a lie.’
‘No, I was not feeling great before, but I’m … a bit better now. Don’t worry about me.’
She pauses for a second. ‘Did he come to the stand today?’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘And he didn’t bring his wife with him this time. It was like he knew what we wanted him to do.’ I give her a quick recap of what was said at Palmers’.
‘I feel so bad for Mum, she seemed to really like him.’
‘There are plenty more fish in the sea,’ I say.
‘You would say that.’ Daisy rolls her eyes.
I choose to ignore her. I guess we’re still not quite right yet. ‘It’s just rubbish timing, isn’t it?’
‘With Crystal going back? Yeah.’
And as if saying Crystal’s name could summon Mum, we hear the front door close. We look at each other nervously and head inside.
Mum’s flopped on the sofa, jacket and shoes still on, with Crystal’s empty cat carrier next to her.
‘What a day,’ she says. ‘What a day!’
‘Are you alright?’ Daisy asks, trying to sound neutral.
‘Well, Tony’s gone, for starters,’ she says.
‘Oh no!’ I say, bracing myself. ‘What happened?’
‘He rang me up. He told me that actually, he was married, and that actually, he just joined the apps because he was bored, and actually wasn’t expecting to like me so much and that actually, it’s all my fault for being so damn charming.’ She sounds more irritated than upset by it, like he’s a mere inconvenience. ‘Sometimes you try something new … you know,’ she says, looking at me gently. ‘And sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. I guess it’s the trying that’s the important part. The feeling of letting yourself do something new, even if it feels scary. Even if it ends in a slightly unfortunate way …’
Suddenly the air is punctuated with a squeak.
‘Oh my god, what was that?!’ I ask, clasping my chest.
‘Well,’ says Mum, gently lifting up the cat carrier, which we can now see is not empty at all. But it’s not Crystal. It’s a tiny little version of Crystal, all white fur and bright blue eyes. ‘The local cat shelter had kittens that they were struggling to rehome because there were just so many of them. So on my way back from meeting Crystal’s mum at the service station, I thought I would relieve them of one.’
Daisy looks like she’s going to cry. ‘Mum, this is the best thing that’s ever happened.’
‘She can keep me company when you two are away,’ Mum says, opening the carrier and letting the tiny white furball trot out. I gasp with unadulterated delight.
‘I could die! It’s so cute! Is it a girl or a boy?’ I ask as the furball sits nervously just outside the cat carrier.
‘She’s a girl. Aoife at the shelter said they’ve been calling her Princess. I figured we’ve still got all the cat stuff from Crystal. Not that she’s a replacement for Crystal. I just realized how nice it had been having her around.’
‘I guess we can call her Princess,’ Daisy says with a shrug, kneeling down on the floor to stroke her.
‘She does look like a Princess,’ I agree. I lower myself down to join them, looking into her enormous blue eyes, extending a finger to induce her to come to me. Daisy and I stay down there while Mum makes dinner and puts out kitten food for our new friend.
‘Mum,’ I ask as we’re eating dinner and Princess is still cowering in the living room, ‘can Cassie come round and meet Princess?’
She thinks for a moment. ‘I don’t see why not.’
Cassie’s at ours an hour later, playing with this sweet, perfect baby. Princess is shy and nervous but not averse to being held, and even works up the courage to chase a ball that Cassie rolls away from her. Cassie’s so gentle with her that it almost breaks my heart to watch them. I feel all soft and squishy inside. It’s funny how a day can turn around, just like that. Or, it’s funny how someone can turn your day around, just like that.