When I wake up on Friday morning it’s actually Friday afternoon. I have no memory of how I got back in my bed, but I’m glad I managed it. My head is pounding and my mouth is dry and—
Oh god.
I just remembered.
I’m going to throw up.
Oh god. This is the very, very worst.
I ruined everything.
That look keeps replaying over and over and over. The raw betrayal in her eyes …
How could I do it? Why would I do it? Is vodka really that powerful?
In the cold light of day, of course it’s obviously a huge mistake. Of course I wouldn’t dream of telling Cassie in a million years that I’m in love with her. What possessed me last night?!
All I had to do was hold on a few more weeks until I was miles away and we would never have had to deal with it at all. But I just couldn’t, could I? I had to indulge some stupid, destructive impulse and now here I am, all self-loathing and hungover at the end of the world.
I’m going to be sick.
I roll over and feel around on the floor for my possessions. Yep, all still there. And my phone is even plugged in to charge, which is something that I definitely wouldn’t have done in whatever state I was in last night. I fight the urge to vomit down the side of my bed and roll back into the foetal position, now clutching my phone and squinting at the screen. I can’t believe it’s not broken.
There are no messages from Cassie at all.
But there is one from Cal.
Call me when you wake up.
Urgh. Poor Cal. I can’t believe I let it go on this long and get this far.
I don’t call Cal. Instead I lie in bed and look at the ceiling, wishing myself to sleep again so I can ride out this hangover. Or you know, I could just go back in time and not be such a dickhead. I really, really need to see Cassie today. I need to clear the air and explain myself and see if maybe, just maybe, we can get to the part where we can just move on. I’m completely mortified. While I’m laying there, I hear a gentle tap at the door.
‘Lily?’ Daisy whispers loudly.
‘Come in,’ I croak. She pushes the door open.
‘Yikes.’
‘Yikes indeed,’ I say, patting the bed next to me for her to come and sit down.
‘I can’t believe I finally got to meet my crush … and in such dramatic circumstances!’ I have no idea what she got up to last night, but Daisy clearly isn’t as hungover as I am.
‘What do you mean? Which crush?’ I’m looking at her out of one eye, in the hope that if I keep the other one closed the room won’t spin as much.
‘Your actual boyfriend?’
‘Cal? Where did you meet him?’
‘Jesus …’ Lily laughs. ‘Don’t you remember?’
‘No …’ Oh god, now what? What fresh hell?
‘He brought you back here last night when you were too drunk to like … do anything. He said you called him rambling and crying in a drunken mess. He went and picked you up and propped you up on the bus and made sure you didn’t vomit or get hit by a car or anything.’ Now I really want to cry.
‘God. This isn’t really like me, is it?’
‘No, not really,’ says Daisy. ‘I thought we were having a pretty wild time at Katie Lewis’s party but you really went there.’
‘I honestly want to die. Please, Daisy, kill me. It would be an act of love. An act of mercy,’ I say, reaching up to put my hand on her shoulder.
‘It’s just a hangover, you’ll live.’
‘But I don’t want to,’ I wail.
‘No choice. You’ve got to. I need you,’ Daisy says, at which point I hear another knock at the door. I’d forgotten Mum would be here. It’s her day off.
‘So you’re alive!’ she says, brandishing a bottle of Lucozade and joining us on the already cramped bed. It reminds me of when we were little and me and Daisy would leap into bed with Mum at the slightest opportunity, just to be close to her. That thought makes me want to cry too.
‘I was just saying to Daisy that I would quite like to opt out of that.’
‘It is just a hangover, and I don’t want to be “that mum” but please don’t do that again, especially not when you’re off at university and there’s no nice boy to pick you up and bring you home safely,’ she says. She puts a hand on my head. And I burst into tears.
‘Oh my god, what’s wrong?!’ Daisy looks pale and horrified.
‘It’s not so bad! It’s only a hangover! I just don’t want anything to happen to you!’ Mum exclaims.
‘It’s all such a mess,’ I say through loud sniffles. The floodgates are open. It’s all coming out now. Including me. ‘I don’t want to go to university! I just felt like it was something I had to do because Daisy was doing it and it would make you proud of me. I just want to stay here and keep painting and figure out what to do next. I don’t want to leave next month, I really don’t,’ I ramble semi-coherently. ‘And I did something really bad last night and I’ve messed everything up and I just don’t want to leave the house ever again or see anyone or do anything. I want to hide forever.’
‘But … you’re you,’ says Daisy. ‘You couldn’t have done anything that bad!’
‘I really did, ugh, I hate myself, I hate everything.’
‘Just tell us,’ Mum urges. ‘It’s what we’re here for.’
I sigh, my whole body shuddering. I’m not used to having to tell people things. I never usually have anything to tell. ‘I … kissed Cassie. Which is obviously terrible because she’s my best friend and because of Cal. I feel like the worst person, I can’t believe I did it.’
Mum and Daisy nod thoughtfully.
‘We’ll come back to the Cal thing in a moment,’ says Mum. ‘But I just want to check, so we’re on the same page, that the problem isn’t so much that you kissed Cassie – but the problem, as you see it, is that … you meant it?’
I nod silently. I hate that this is such an unfamiliar thing for me. I hate that I feel so vulnerable, telling people how I’m feeling, being honest with myself. I hate that telling the truth and asking for help could be a new thing. But it is.
‘OK,’ says Mum. ‘I get it, I get why that feels like a big thing.’
‘And you’re upset because you’re worried about hurting your friendship with her,’ Daisy continues.
‘Yeah,’ I sniffle.
‘That figures,’ she says, before adding quickly, ‘I mean, not that I think you’re right, but I just get where you’re coming from. That’s a natural problem to anticipate.’
‘I guess I just felt sort of … filtered towards boys, like that was just how it was going to go. I never really thought too much about it, because obviously I do like boys. But I guess I like girls too. And then Cal came along and obviously he’s such a catch,’ I say, finally no longer crying.
‘Ha!’ Daisy says, smiling.
‘I know, I know …’ I muster a smile too. ‘And I guess it felt nice to be wanted in that way, you know? I’ve always felt kind of … behind. But I think maybe that was just because I was sort of fumbling around, not really sure what I was looking for.’ What I don’t need to say, because I know Daisy understands, is that it felt nice to be wanted in that way by someone Daisy wanted. But what good is it to be wanted by someone that you don’t want? Where does that actually get you?
‘And you know that now,’ says Mum.
‘Yeah. Is that OK … with you, I mean?’ For a horrible moment I’m sure she’ll object. ‘You don’t think I’m stupid and attention-seeking?’ I think back to my breakfast with Molly, the scathing way she talked about Georgia from school, how I fear people would perceive me the same way.
‘I don’t think, for one second of my life, that I’ve ever thought you’re stupid. And yes … whatever you want to do, whoever you want to be with, that’s OK with me.’ She sounds bemused to even be asked, but just hearing her say those words feels like sunshine. ‘Uncle Michael will be delighted!’
‘Thank you for not saying that you knew all along. That means a lot,’ I say. ‘I felt like everyone was always deciding things about me and it made it hard for me to make my own mind up about what I wanted. And I guess about, like, who I am.’
‘Only you know. It doesn’t matter how long it took to get there. You’re eighteen years old, you’re still a baby.’
We sit in silence for a moment, me lying on my bed, Mum sitting up by my head and Daisy down by my feet. I’m not sure if my bed can actually take the weight of three people but I don’t want to ruin the moment by mentioning it. And besides, it won’t be my bed much longer, anyway.
I bravely sit up even though it makes the room spin. ‘Can we start trying to solve some problems?’
‘We can!’ Daisy says.
‘All is not lost. These are fixable problems, and if not necessarily fixable, then containable. Deal-withable,’ Mum reassures me.
‘OK. First and most urgently: Cal,’ Daisy says.
‘Obviously I do have to break up with him, don’t I? I can’t just sort of … not.’ I know I have to. There’s no escaping it.
‘I’m definitely not saying this so that I can ask him out.’ Daisy grabs my arm comfortingly. ‘Which of course I won’t. But … yeah. You do have to, I think.’
Mum narrows her eyes at us. ‘This isn’t what you two were fighting about, was it?’
Daisy and I look at each other shiftily.
‘Bloody hell.’ Mum shakes her head. ‘I thought I raised you two smarter than to fight over a boy!’
‘Sorry, Mum,’ we mumble, dutifully.
‘If it makes you feel any better, he wasn’t really what we were fighting about. He just opened the floodgates to some other stuff we needed to work out,’ Daisy says.
‘Well, that I can deal with. Listen, I’m not saying that Cal should be your boyfriend but I do want to state for the record that you must definitely keep him as a friend – not only did he go to the trouble of bringing you all the way back here in one piece, he also stayed to have a cup of tea with me once you’d been put to bed,’ says Mum.
‘God, it just gets worse. Why is he so nice?’ I yell. ‘I hate that I’ve messed him around like this. I just hate it.’
‘He’s by no means the worst person you could have accidentally fallen into a relationship with,’ Daisy says.
‘I know,’ I say, picking at a flake of paint on the windowsill. ‘Me and Cassie met him and his friend on the same night and I guess I just thought if she was going to pair off with some guy I might as well too. I just didn’t know he’d be so … good. And, like … he really is good. He’s so sweet and hot and calm and, yeah, I do really fancy him. Just not enough. Not as much as …’ I trail off. Even thinking about her makes me feel sick, the way I torpedoed our whole friendship in ten seconds last night.
‘Well, hey, that’s one problem partially solved. You know what to do about Cal.’ Daisy shrugs, as if it’s the most obvious and straightforward thing in the world to break up with someone.
‘And then there’s … the future,’ I say.
‘This isn’t a new thing, is it?’ Mum asks.
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘I’ve been worrying about it for months. I just don’t want to go. Or maybe I just don’t want to go now. I don’t feel ready at all. I don’t feel sure of what I want to do. I want to keep making art, I want to have the time and space to do that, to get better at it, to learn and figure out how I want to use it.’ I pause for a second. ‘You know those posters around town – the ones that replaced the white nationalist ones?’ I ask.
‘Yeah?’ Mum and Daisy say in sync.
‘That was me and Cassie.’
Daisy beams.
‘Wow! You two make such a good team,’ says Mum.
‘We’ll come back to that,’ interrupts Daisy, clearly wanting to stay on track with the various issues that are presenting themselves right now.
‘But yeah … I just feel like I want to do more and I don’t want to give it up to study something academic. It doesn’t make sense for me. Just being kind of clever doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to do this. But it’s what’s happening. I’ve let it all go too far.’
‘You’re not on death row, Lily,’ says Mum, and even though she’s rolling her eyes and sounds exasperated, there’s something comforting about it, like maybe it isn’t all as serious as I feared. ‘It’s not like there’s no way out of this. You know that, right?’
‘Not … really?’ I say.
‘I’m never going to force you to do something that you’re not happy with. I could tell you that maybe you’ll get to Leeds and you’ll love it and you’ll feel right at home straight away and love studying. But you know best what’s right for you. It’s not too late to change your mind.’ Mum frowns at me like she really wants me to understand what she’s saying.
‘I … don’t have to go?’ I ask incredulously.
‘No … it was your idea, remember? I didn’t force you into it! And besides, it’s not like the university is going to disappear if you change your mind and want to go in a year or two’s time. I don’t want you taking out student loans for something you’re not serious about!’
I laugh. I properly laugh. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted instantly, to the extent to which I almost can’t believe it. I can’t believe I have the option to change my mind. I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
‘Yeah, don’t you remember, this all started because you saw me filling in my UCAS form and said you might as well if I was?’ Daisy says. She’s not wrong. I just can’t believe that was all it took for me to end up feeling so consumed and overwhelmed with anxiety for such a long time.
‘God, I’m such an idiot,’ I say.
‘No, you’re not,’ says Mum, reaching over and stroking my hair. ‘Why don’t you tell them you’ve changed your mind and you’re not coming, I bet loads of people are hoping to get in through Clearing. They’ll probably be grateful to you for dropping out!’
‘Is it dropping out if I never even showed up?’
‘Probably not,’ she says pensively. ‘If you really don’t know what you want to do, why don’t you do the art foundation course at the university in Lansdowne. It’s not like it’s that far away on the bus. It’d keep you busy. Keep you practising. Then you can see how you feel in a year’s time, maybe go to university then, or maybe not?’
‘You’re a genius,’ I croak out. I take a sip of the Lucozade and silently thank the universe for my brilliant mum.
‘Which leaves one remaining problem to solve,’ says Daisy, not willing to let us lose momentum on our stampede through my fears and anxieties.
‘Yeah … the big one,’ I say.
‘It’s funny, you would have thought that detonating your imminent plans to move city and start a degree would be the big one,’ says Daisy.
‘Unfortunately not,’ I moan.
‘You can’t avoid Cassie forever,’ says Mum. ‘She’s your best friend.’
‘She’s kind of your only friend,’ says Daisy.
‘Yeah, I’m going to work on that, I swear,’ I say.
Daisy yawns and stretches. ‘I’m relieved to hear it.’
I sigh dramatically. ‘I just don’t know what to say to her.’
‘What do you want to say to her?’ Mum asks, reaching across to the cord of the blind and pulling it up. I guess I can’t live in a dark little hangover cave forever.
‘Nothing, I just want this all to go away.’
‘But it won’t just go away,’ Mum says soothingly. ‘None of this stuff has fixed itself by you ignoring it, has it?’
‘No. I guess not,’ I mumble, taking another sip.
‘So,’ says Daisy. ‘What do you want to say to her?’
I think for a second. ‘I want to say that I’m sorry for kissing her so unexpectedly and for crossing the line and that I’m sorry for messing up our friendship and making her run away from me last night.’
‘But you don’t want to say that it was a mistake?’ Mum asks.
‘It was a mistake to do it. But it wasn’t a mistake to feel it.’ I close my eyes and again feel the rush, the rightness of the kiss, the sense of it. And then the shock and the pain of the look of disgust on her face. She didn’t look back as she left the club.
Mum sighs. ‘It’s a tough one. I feel like you should tell her the truth. Do you think you’ll be able to hide it for the rest of your friendship if you write it off as a drunken accident now?’
‘I’ll be able to do anything if she only forgives me and still wants to be my friend.’
‘How did she react?’ Daisy asks.
‘She sort of went with it at first like it was drunken fun, but as soon as we pulled apart, she ran.’
Daisy pouts sympathetically. ‘I’m sorry. It is a tough one.’
‘Mum’s wise,’ I say, pawing at her hand.
‘I’m not that wise, I accidentally had several dates with a married man.’
‘OK, but like … except for that,’ Daisy says, reassuringly.
‘Then my wisdom on this specific issue is that you shouldn’t avoid Cassie. You should tell her the truth and see if that dynamic is something she can deal with, you know? It doesn’t have to mean the end of the world for you two.’
I know she’s right. I know that’s what I have to do. There’s no getting around it. I can’t hide in here with my Lucozade and my potential sick bucket forever. I have to face the world at some point. I have to talk to Cassie.
‘Right, so what’s the plan?’ says Daisy.
‘I need to break up with this great guy, drop out of uni before I’ve even turned up and tell my best friend I’m in love with her,’ I say, smiling drily. ‘No big deal.’
Mum looks at me with such love that I think I’m going to cry. ‘You’re stronger than you think you are,’ she says.
‘First deal with uni, then deal with Cal and then deal with Cassie,’ says Daisy. No time for crying. Only time for getting things done.
‘Alright … I think this Lucozade might have magic powers, I actually feel capable of standing upright now. No wonder I didn’t feel ready to leave my family.’
‘The culmination of your Summer of New Things: deal with your shit!’ Mum says with a wink.
‘Just checking you understand that I’m still going to Bristol,’ Daisy says, looking at me seriously. ‘I’m not going to stick around here just to hang out with you, you know.’
I laugh. ‘Yes, I understand that. I hope I’m allowed to visit you sometimes.’
‘Promise.’
‘OK,’ says Mum, looking over her shoulder as they head out of the room. ‘We’ll leave you to it.’
Dealing with university is surprisingly swift and painless. If only all my business today could be quite so seamless. I mean it was an administrative nightmare just to get through to the university helpline, but once I’m talking to a human instead of the weird robotic answer machine, it’s fairly straightforward. I almost want to drag it out because I really don’t want to get to the next item on my to-do list. I take my time getting dressed to try to put it off but it’s no good.
It’s time to deal with Cal. Toes curling in my trainers, horrible, spiky butterflies fluttering around my stomach, I do as he asked and call him. At first I think he’s ignoring me but he picks up on the last ring and answers in a low voice.
‘Hello?’
‘Hey … it’s me.’
‘I know it’s you, your name comes up on the screen,’ he says. I can’t tell by his tone exactly what he’s thinking.
‘Right … I just wanted to say—’ I start, but he cuts me off.
‘Just a minute, I’m meant to be checking in the screens for people filming or whatever but I’m just going to sneak out the back for a second, hold on.’ I can hear him walking and breathing. A door opening and slamming behind him. ‘OK, I’m back.’
‘I just wanted to say thank you for making sure I got home last night.’
‘You were a total mess when you called me from that terrible club in Seaforth – like, unbelievably drunk! There was no way I was going to just leave you there.’
‘No, it was honestly so, so kind of you.’
‘Obviously I didn’t know you were going to dump me on the bus back to Weston Bay …’
Oh. Now this … I was not expecting. ‘I did that?’
‘Yeah … obviously it bruised my ego a bit but … this doesn’t really work, does it?’
‘I really wanted it to!’ I protest. ‘You’re, like, the greatest guy in the whole world. You’re so fit it’s almost unreal. And you’re really nice. To everyone. You made me feel wanted and … and … wantable. I didn’t know that was possible before I met you! It felt really special being with you.’
‘Ha, thanks,’ he says. ‘But it’s OK. I really like you – all this doesn’t change that, you know? Or at least, for me, it doesn’t have to. You’re cool. And you’ll always have a place to crash if you’re in Auckland.’
‘God,’ I say, nearly crying. ‘I thought you were going to, like, berate me?’
‘Jesus, no! Like I said, you were a mess – you were crying about how much you were in love with Cassie and how I was too good for you and I just couldn’t let you get home on your own. I thought you were going to get hit by a car or something.’
‘That’s so embarrassing, I can’t believe I said that to you,’ I say, feeling hot all over. ‘I can’t believe what a mess I was.’
‘Neither could your mum! Who’s great by the way. She said this was most out of character for you.’
‘It really is …’ I mumble.
‘Look, Lily, no harm done. I liked you a lot. You’re super pretty and really chill to spend time with, but you need to do what’s right for you.’
‘Oh Cal …’ I say. ‘Please can you come over soon, for dinner with my mum and my sister and me? I think it would be really nice.’
‘Sure, why not,’ he says, genially. ‘Unless you’re trying to set me up with your sister. You did mention that last night!’
‘Jesus, what didn’t I mention?’
‘Not much, to be honest. Look, I think I’m gonna get rumbled any minute for using my phone on my shift so I’m gonna go now, but I just wanted to check you were still alive and not feeling too deathly.’
‘You’re the best.’
‘I guess I am,’ he says. ‘Bye, Lily.’
‘Bye, Cal,’ I say back. ‘But … you haven’t seen the last of me.’
‘I hope not, you know,’ he says, and before I hang up, it’s like I can hear his smile through the phone.
I sit on the side of my bed for a minute, marvelling at how dramatically everything has changed for me in twenty-four hours. How much I needed Mum and Daisy’s help to figure it all out, to feel supported enough to change my life. But I’m still left with one big problem.
Cassie.
I take a deep breath and look down at my phone again. My hands shaking, I find her number in my contacts and press ‘call’. As soon as I do it, I want to throw up. I listen to it ring, praying that she won’t answer. It rings and rings and then as soon as I hear the ringing stop I immediately hang up. A phone call was a mistake.
I text her and ask, as casually as humanly possible, if she wants to meet up tomorrow. I leave my phone in my room and slowly make my way downstairs to watch TV with Mum in the living room. I know if I take it with me I’ll just be checking it every ten seconds, as if the fact she hasn’t already texted me today isn’t bad enough. Daisy joins us after watering the plants in the garden and Princess is mewling adorably on my lap. After numerous episodes of a food programme involving increasingly absurd eating challenges, we all eat together. I manage to swallow down some ravioli with butter and sage and drink about three pints of water to rehydrate. With every breath and every mouthful and every heartbeat I think about Cassie and will her to have texted me back.
When I go back up to my room and pick up my phone, I already know she hasn’t replied. There’s nothing. With the heaviest heart I’ve ever felt, I text her one more time and tell her that I’ll be on the bench at the end of the pier at eleven o’clock tomorrow morning, and if she wants to see me, she knows where to find me.