Chapter 8

 

Violet

 

When I open my eyes again, I’m tucked in bed. The sunlight is sparkling through the window, which means I must have slept through at least a day. I’m wearing one of Luke’s t-shirts, the scent of him overwhelming my nostrils in the best way possible. For a moment, everything is okay. Then I take in the rest of myself—tangled hair that smells like dirty water and my entire body that feels like I’ve gone through the ringer with a champion boxer.

At first, I can’t remember how I got here. Then slowly, bits and pieces come rushing back to me. The call from Detective Stephner that I thought was going to be about the text or the package, but it wasn’t… what happened… what he needs me to do… how I reacted to it all…

I lift up my wrist and examine the spot where I started to cut my wrist with a shitty pocketknife, but I ended up backing out. Then I touch the side of my head where I hit the rock in the river. I can’t even remember how I got out of the rapids. I think the person swimming toward me pulled me out… Then a bunch of people showed up and I heard sirens. Next thing I knew, I was being taken to the hospital.

I lied through my teeth to the nurse when I explained what happened. I said I was standing on the edge of the river, trying to take a picture of a nearby bridge when I fell in. I think because I don’t have insurance or anything it was easier for them to let me leave the hospital without questioning me too much. Plus, I can be a damn good liar when I need to be.

After the hospital, I walked. And walked. And walked. I was so confused about life and what I wanted from it because clearly I wanted something otherwise I’d have let myself drown and join my parents in the ground. But I couldn’t figure it out, only kept thinking of Luke. Then I found the diner. And Greyson… And then Luke was there in person, seeing me like that…

“Shit. Luke.” I blow out an exhausted breath as my emotions, the ones I was trying to get rid of, come rushing back to me along with everything else.

I pick up my phone from the nightstand and check the date. Yep, I’ve been out for a day. “Fuck.” I rub my hand across my face, wincing from the pain, but then freeze when I notice the silver bracelet with the word Sempre engraved on it.

“I swear I took this off,” I mutter. “What the hell?”

I force myself to sit up, but it’s like I’ve stepped onto a merry-go-round on crack. The room spins round and round and I nearly pass out as I topple to the floor. I grab the edge of the nightstand to brace myself and in the process, bump the lamp. It falls to the ground, not breaking but making a loud noise.

As I’m trying to get myself back up to a sitting position, the door swings open and in walks Luke.

“What are you doing?” he asks, taking in the lamp on the floor and then me hunched over, attempting to get to my feet.

I wince as I collapse back down on the bed. “Trying to stand up.” I fake a light tone. “But it seems as though my legs have forgotten their purpose in life.”

He scowls at me. “This isn’t funny, Violet.”

“What? Me not being able to walk?” I’m uncertain on how to react to his anger because it’s not typical of him. “It is kinda, sorta funny, don’t you think?” I hold up my finger and thumb about an inch apart. “Just a little bit.”

He shakes his head, clearly still irritated with me. “Stop making jokes.” He sinks down on the bed, causing the mattress to concave and me to slide toward him. “I don’t even… I can’t even…” When his gaze welds with mine, I want to shrink back and hide under the blankets. I’ve been scolded many, many times by people throughout my life, but never like this, never with so much passion, disappointment, terror, and worry. “What the hell were you thinking? Leaving the house, going into the water? God dammit!” His hands ball into fists and he looks like he wants to break something.

I flinch from his harsh tone, but still sit up straight even though my back hurts. “I was thinking about how much I didn’t want to think anymore. How much it hurts to think. How hard it is.”

“You promised me that you wouldn’t leave the apartment and that you’d check in with Seth. None of which you did.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Luke. I’ve told you this time and time again.”

With a hard expression, he raises my arm and flicks the hospital band. “Clearly you do. Do you know how fucking worried I was when I couldn’t get a hold of you?” He shakes his head, his jaw set tight, and his balled up fists trembling. “Then I find you drunk, and soaking wet, with a hospital band on your wrist, and that made it so much worse.”

I slip my hand from his hold, feeling ashamed of what I did. Luke knows—like knows, knows—my dirty, little secret. Unlike the nurse at the hospital, I can’t just lie to him and tell him everything was an accident. And honestly, I don’t want to.

“I fucked up. It’s what I do, Luke. I’m sorry, but there’s not much else I can say.”

His gaze bores into me as he scoots closer until our knees are touching. Then he rests his forehead against mine, like he needs to touch me. “Why did you fuck up?” he asks, his voice gentler.

One simple question. However, it’s packed with so much emotion that I feel like I’m drowning again. I open my mouth to tell him that I don’t want to talk about it, but then realize that whether I want to or not, I need to. When I decided to fight instead of drown I made a choice that I was going to deal with this.

“Detective Stephner called yesterday,” I say quietly. “Something’s happened with the case.”

He’s struggling to keep a neutral expression as I lean back from him. “Okay… What is it?”

Everything I felt when I heard the voicemail rushes through me. The fear. The relief. The worry. The excitement. The disappointment in realizing that even if they solve my parents’ case, my parents will still be gone. Nothing will change that. I’ll still have no one. No mother. No father. No relatives. Nothing. That the past still exists. That this didn’t free me, that I might never be free. Then, the revelation and the fear that I could lose Luke also sets me off. That was what nearly killed me.

But I chose to live. I chose not to drown. That has to mean something, right? That I don’t want to die.

“They arrested your mother two days ago and transferred her here.” My voice is unsteady as I feel my life shift and alter to something unfamiliar and terrifying. “They want me to come see if I recognize her... I don’t think I’ll be able to, but it’s something I have to try and do.” I shrug like I’m talking about something as nonchalant as the weather. “If all goes well, there’ll be a trial. She’ll be in prison. And the police will figure out who killed my parents.” I swallow hard. “Nothing’s ever going to be the same again. I know it isn’t. It’s going to change everything… and I know… I know I’m going to end up alone.” I feel incredibly vulnerable, weak and ashamed admitting the truth. “I just want to be stronger,” I admit. “Why can’t I be stronger, like I used to be?” Because I didn’t have anything to lose…

His eyes skim every inch of me, making me tingle all over, and he’s not even touching me. It seems like he wants to say something, but he can’t figure out what it is. The silence stretches between us. It seems like the longest silence ever, the kind that feels like it’s never going to end, and I know that the longer it goes on, the worse the words following it will be.

Finally, his lips part and words spill out. “I love you.”

At first, I think I’ve heard him wrong, but his eyes widen in shock and I know I heard him correctly.

“Huh?” I blink, stunned as shit. “Wh-what did you just say?”

More silence stretches between us, only this time it’s filled with our erratic breathing. It makes me want to retract my initial statement. This is the longest silence that’s ever existed and it’s awkward as hell.

Luke looks utterly perplexed, his brows dipped in, his thinking face on as if he’s replaying what he just said over in his head while thoughts race through my flabbergasted mind. Did he just say he loves me? Loves me? No one’s ever said that to me since I was five, since my parents were still alive.

“Oh my God,” are the first words that leave my mouth. I don’t know where they came from or what I meant by them. All I know is that it feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me and I’m being strangled.

“I didn’t mean to say that,” he finally says.

But it doesn’t seem like he regrets saying it either. He’s way too calm—way, way to calm.

How the hell can he be so calm while I’m freaking out?

“I mean, I did mean to say it, but just not right now.” He forces a half smile as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Super bad timing, right?”

I gape at him, my mouth hanging to my knees, at a loss for words. He’s acting like this isn’t a big deal, but it is. It’s a huge, fucked up, confusing deal that I don’t know how to comprehend or handle.

I remain quiet, to the point that it feels like I want to bang my head on the wall just to make some noise. I keep staring at Luke, unable to take my eyes off him. Part of me—the one connected to the side of my mind that still wants to believe in fairytales, unicorns, and all that imaginary shit—says that the only reason I’m still sitting here with him is because my legs hurt too much to get up and walk away. The other part of me—the one connected to the part of my mind that laughs at me when I’m trying to lie to myself—says that I’m still sitting here because I want to be here. And that in itself is horrifying.

“Violet, please say something.” There’s a plea in Luke’s voice, begging me to… What? Break the awkwardness? To maybe say it back? I don’t know if that’s it, but what I do know is that I can’t. I don’t even know what love is.

“I need to get down to the police station.” I stare at him for a second longer before tearing my gaze off him. “Detective Stephner is probably wondering where the hell I am.”

I don’t know how, but I manage to get my legs under me and stand up without falling back down. Then, I slowly step toward the dresser to get some clean clothes.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until the tomorrow?” he asks. “You should get some rest before you go.”

“I just want to get this over with.”

I select a red shirt, a pair of jeans, and a matching bra and panties. I think about asking him to step out so I can change, but I worry that’ll just make this situation even more awkward. It’s not like I normally ask him to step out. In fact, I sometimes strip in front of him to tease him. So I just remove my shirt and toss it on the floor, the bracelet getting caught in the fabric in the process.

“Hey, you didn’t by chance find a silver bracelet, did you? And put it on me?” I ask as casually as I can as I work to untangle the bracelet from my shirt.

“No. Why? And what bracelet?”

“Just a bracelet.” I clear my throat, knowing he’s going to be upset that I didn’t tell him about the box a while ago. But I figure I’m going to have to if I want to get to the bottom of why the bracelet was on my arm, so I tell him, not just about the box, but about how I swear that it wasn’t on my wrist when I left the house yesterday morning.

He scratches his head as I finally take off the bracelet and tug it from the shirt, ripping the fabric a little. “Are you sure you didn’t have it on and maybe just thought you took it off?”

I set the bracelet on the dresser. “Maybe. But I don’t even like it on me, so it’d be weird if I did leave it on.”

His frown deepens while studying me as I struggle to get my bra on through the pain radiating in my back. “Well, it could be that you accidentally forgot to take it off, but I still think you should mention something to the detective, considering the box that showed up the other night. Preston’s getting more” —he grinds his teeth— “more daring.”

“God, what if he was in the house? But how could he even get it on me without me knowing…?” I trail off as images of me in the river and a figure in the distance appear in my mind. The crowd standing around me as I lay on the ground, choking up water. Was he there? In the middle of them? No. There’s no way Preston could have been there, yet I swear I see his haunting face in the memory. I think about telling Luke my conclusion, but I’ve already stressed him out enough for the day, so I decide to only tell the detective. “Okay, I’ll bring it up.”

Luke relaxes then stands up from the bed. “Here, let me help you get that on.”

I tense as he crosses the room and stops so close to me that his heat pours over my skin like warm honey. Within seconds, he has the bra done up. Then, without saying anything, he takes the clean shirt from my hand and helps me pull it over my head. He lets me use his shoulder to support my weight while I put on my panties and jeans.

“You want me to go with you?” he asks as I fasten the button on my jeans.

“To the police station?” I flip my hair out of the collar of my shirt, getting a whiff of the damp stench flowing off the locks. Jesus, I need a shower.

Luke nods with uneasiness. “Yeah, I can give you a ride and then wait for you in the parking lot.”

“What if it takes a while?” I slip my foot into one of my boots then lean over to tie it, moving slowly because of the pain.

After watching me struggle for a few seconds, he crouches down and ties my boot for me. “I’m sure it will, but I don’t want you going there alone, especially after everything that’s been going on.”

“I could ask Greyson to come with me, maybe.” I’m trying to give Luke an out because there’s no way he could want to go with me, not with what I’m about to do. “That might be easier.”

Looking up at me, he arches a brow in accusation. “For who exactly? You…or me?”

“You. I mean, it’s your mom… in jail… and I’m going there to try to help keep her there. Won’t it be weird?”

Shaking his head and remaining silent, he helps me put on my other boot. Then he stands back up and looks me directly in the eye with passion pouring off him as he places his hands on my shoulders. “Violet, let me get something straight—right here, right now. My mother physically, mentally, and emotionally beat me and tormented me.” His voice cracks, but he quickly clears it and keeps going. “She broke my sister, let someone rape her. That’s part of the reason why Amy decided to take her own life. Every single day living with my mother was like spending a year in hell. I fucking hate her and wish I was the one putting her in jail. So believe me when I tell you that I want this to happen, too. I want her to be locked up forever.”

I know a lot about Luke through tidbits of stories we’ve shared with each other whenever we were in the darkness of our room, but he’s never been so blunt and open like this. I have to catch my breath before I speak. What I really want to do is kiss him, but I’m too afraid after the whole ‘I love you’ thing. Too afraid of what it’ll mean… to him… to me.

“All right, come with me.” I take his hand and we walk out of the room side by side. For the briefest second, I feel like I’m stepping into the future for once instead of drowning in the past, that maybe this is why I chose not to drown.

But then I remember where I’m going and the past catches up with me again.