Ice cream has a lot of benefits in addition to calories. Alas, it doesn’t solve all problems. I kept replaying my conversation with Win on a loop in my head, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. A huge part of me wanted to go back in time to before any of this had happened. When my biggest problem was trying to figure out if I was in love with Josh or with the idea of being in love with him and if I had the guts to end it or if I would just ride it out until we went off to college. I got the idea that maybe if I could sort out that first problem, other things would start to fall into place. Whatever I felt for Neil was confused with everything else that had happened. I wanted to get back to how I used to feel for Josh, when things made more sense.
I flung the door open and kissed Josh.
He took a step back. “Wow. Do you greet everyone at the door like that?”
“Of course. Why do you think the UPS guys fight over who gets to deliver here?” I’d taken extra time and made sure my hair and makeup were perfect. Maybe the distance I’d felt with Josh lately was about the fact that we were too used to each other. I needed to make an effort.
“It’s the muscles they get from carrying heavy packages, isn’t it?” Josh winked.
I leaned in so I could whisper. “Honestly, it’s that I’m crazy about those brown shorts.”
“I’ve missed you,” Josh said.
“I’ve been around.”
“Around, but busy.”
“Well, you’ve got my full attention now.” I slipped out of his hug and headed down the hall to the kitchen to grab my bag. I hadn’t told him about my trip across state. Part of it was that he’d be mad that I hadn’t taken him with me. Then there was the fact that I’d seen Neil again, and I knew how he’d feel about that. That was one of the problems with dating Josh. We’d gone out for so long that I knew what he thought of things before we even had the discussion. If I actually told him, it would be like I’d have to go through the whole thing twice, and once in my head was enough. Win was right. I needed to give myself some time. If I decided to do any more digging, I’d talk to Josh, but until then there wasn’t a point.
“I checked out some movie times,” I said. I tossed my shades in my bag on the off chance that the sun bothered to come out.
Josh went into our fridge and pulled out a carton of juice. He held it up to see if I wanted any. I shook my head, and he reached into the cupboard to get himself a glass.
“It comes down to if you’re in a thriller mood or more comedy.” I smiled. “After, I thought we could grab some food and maybe take a drive or something.” I went to wink at him so he’d know what I meant by the “or something,” but he was busy looking in our pantry for a snack. Seduction is hard when they’re more interested in a jar of mixed nuts. I was getting a sinking feeling my fancy bra wasn’t going to get a chance to show off.
“I talked to your dad; he mentioned the idea of all of us going to Maker Faire down at the science center today.”
I deflated. “Your idea of us going out on a date was to double with my mom and dad?”
He looked over and noticed my outfit for the first time. “I didn’t know it was a date date.”
“Well, you’ve been saying how we haven’t been hanging out much, so I thought that was the point. Not doing something with Win and Kyle. Just us. I wasn’t thinking we’d spend time with my parents instead.”
“But it’s Maker Faire.”
I stared at him blankly.
“You know. People show up who make stuff. Last year there were the guys who did the robots and the other guy who made that laser light thing.” He could see in my expression I wasn’t impressed. “Remember, you liked the people who were doing the metal forging.”
“I remember it.”
“C’mon. Admit it. It was fun last year,” Josh said.
It had been fun. Not like WOW-I-can’t-believe-how-much-fun-I’m-having fun. It was more seeing how excited he and my dad were. They loved things like that. Anything that looked like it could earn its own Discovery Channel special was right up their alley, and Maker Faire was full of that stuff. Smart people making weird things in their basements and garages. “All right, I wasn’t going to say anything, and leave you thinking there was only a thriller or a comedy to choose from, but there’s even a science fiction movie option,” I said, trying to tempt him.
Josh laughed. “Holding out on me, huh?”
“Consider it more me trying to broaden your horizons.” I held my breath. Josh loved science fiction flicks. I wasn’t crazy about them, but I was crazy for the idea of having time alone with him. How was I supposed to find the spark in our relationship? Parents and romance didn’t go together.
“The thing is, I pretty much already told your dad we’d go with him and your mom.”
I froze in place. “I wish you’d talked to me before you made plans with my dad.”
Josh kissed my cheek. “I didn’t set out to make plans. We were talking about work stuff and it just came up.”
I nodded and suddenly pretended to have a huge interest in the matching salt and pepper shakers my mom had on the counter. “Of course, your very important job.”
Josh took a step back at my tone. “I get that it isn’t glorious, but it beats making fries at a fast food joint. You might not find this stuff interesting, but it’s what I want to do.”
The and I’m lucky to be doing it after what you did hung in the air. I didn’t know if he intended it to sound like an accusation, that it was my fault he’d almost lost the internship, but that was how it felt.
I sighed. “Sorry. I’m being cranky. I know the job is a big deal. I wanted to spend the afternoon with you. Just us. Things have been . . .” My brain searched for the right word to describe how I’d been feeling. Ever since Harry died, it was as if the entire world was out of gear. It wasn’t that my feelings for Josh had changed so much as it felt like our relationship was stuck in neutral. Not moving forward, but not moving backward, either. It had been coming for a while, but now it seemed glaringly obvious. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, but I worried that I should like him more than I did. It seemed like we’d already drifted apart. We were almost more friends than anything else. That couldn’t continue. We had to fix things or walk away. “Things have been off,” I said.
“You’ve been through a lot lately. Everything’s going to be fine.” Josh put his arm around me and pulled me close. I let my head rest against his shoulder and breathed in his smell—a combination of Zest soap and the woodsy cologne he always wore.
“Road trip!”
Josh and I sprang apart as my dad barreled into the kitchen.
“Hope I’m interrupting something,” Dad joked. He punched Josh playfully in the arm and Josh laughed. I didn’t.
“You guys ready to go?” Dad rubbed his hands together. “I made a reservation at Travolata for later. They’re doing a roast pig tonight.”
“I don’t really feel like pork,” I said.
“You love their communal Sunday feasts.” Dad didn’t even look at me when he said it. Instead he grabbed a small bottle of Pellegrino out of the fridge for the car.
“I don’t want a big heavy dinner.”
“It’s not the restaurant,” Josh clarified. “Harper was hoping to do something else this afternoon.”
Dad’s eyebrows drew together. “You don’t want to go to Maker Faire?”
I felt a layer of enamel grind down as I clenched my teeth together. It wasn’t that Josh was wrong, but he didn’t have to point out that it had been my idea not to go. Would it have been impossible for him to say that he’d changed his mind and decided he wanted to do something else?
“I was in the mood to go to a movie. We could do Maker Faire some other time,” I suggested.
My dad’s shoulders dropped. “It’s only on for the weekend. It’s over after today.” He looked like an eight-year-old who’d just discovered there was no Santa Claus.
Josh shot me a glance. Even without him saying anything, I could hear him in my head. Are you sure you don’t want to go? Look how bad your dad wants us to. My resolve was faltering. It was clear what Josh wanted to do. Maybe the two of them should go together and just leave me at home.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with how you’ve been feeling, does it?” Dad looked into my eyes. “You’re not having trouble with being in crowds?”
“How I’m feeling?” My glance slid over to Josh, who was suddenly very interested in his shoes.
“Now, don’t be mad at him. He was just worried about you.”
What part of I don’t want to tell my dad had been confusing for Josh? He still wasn’t looking at me.
“I’m feeling fine,” I said.
“I’ve still gone ahead and made another appointment for you to come back in. No arguing this time. I let you back out of the earlier appointment, but now we’re going to be sure. I want to have everything checked over by my team.”
“I’m fine,” I repeated. My throat felt tight, as if I was about to cry.
“Maybe, but I don’t think either of us wants to take a chance with our favorite girl,” Dad said. Josh nodded and smiled next to him.
“Now, with that cleared up, are you guys in for Maker Faire or not?” Dad smiled. “They’ve got robots,” he said in a singsong voice.
I forced myself to press my mouth into a smile. “Sure.”
Dad high-fived Josh. “Now we’re talking. I’ll get the car and scare up her mom. We’ll hit the road in ten.”
As soon as he walked out of the room, I whirled around and faced Josh. “Are you kidding me?”
He held up a hand as if he thought I was going to rush him. “I was worried. I didn’t plan to say anything to him about our conversation; it sort of came out.”
“How do you say something like that by accident?” I shot a look over my shoulder to make sure my dad wasn’t sneaking back up on me.
“I asked him about side effects from the procedure. If he knew of any people having trouble with what felt like new memories. As soon as I said that, he guessed I was asking about you. He’s not mad.”
I put a hand on my hip. Josh hadn’t spent the past week mucking out stalls.
“Okay, he was ticked when he first heard. And he had every reason to be; what we did could have caused a huge amount of trouble. But more than being ticked, he was worried.”
“I don’t want to go back to the clinic. I’m fine,” I said.
Josh hugged me. “Then there’s no reason not to go back. You have to trust us.” He smiled and took my hand, leading me out to join my parents.