Josh was there in less than twenty minutes. He always looked out of place when he came to the barn. He wanted to like horses because he knew it was important to me, but you could tell he felt uncomfortable. To him they were like really large dogs that didn’t sit and stay on command. It didn’t help that Harry had bitten him once when he was feeding him a carrot. Josh was more a lab or living room kind of person.
He knocked on the lounge door and poked his head in. He seemed to sense the mood in the room and shifted nervously in the doorway. Win patted me on the knee as she got up.
“I’ll leave you two so you can talk,” Win said. She grabbed her stuff off the table.
“Why don’t we all get some dinner?” Josh shoved in his hands into pants pockets. I could tell he wasn’t interested in being alone with me. “We can talk over some Thai food,” he suggested.
“No can do, I’ve got nonoptional family time planned. My nan in town means a command performance. She’s not quite the royal family, but she likes to think she is. The queen must be obeyed.” Win blew kisses at both of us. When Josh turned his head, she gave me a firm nod before walking out.
“What’s going on?” Josh asked.
I blew out my breath in a slow stream. “I’m not really sure where to start.”
“Looks like you and Win made up.”
“I think so. I wasn’t being a great friend to her.” I swallowed. “I haven’t been a great girlfriend to you, either.”
Josh crossed the room and sat next to me. “It’s okay. I know things aren’t going well. Losing Harry. Feeling off since the procedure. I still feel really guilty about that.”
I felt my heart tighten in guilt. “Don’t apologize. It was what I wanted.”
“All the more reason I should have stopped you. You were depressed.” He squeezed my hand. “I know it’s been rough, but things are going to get better. Your dad has you set up to see Dr. Delaney. The guy’s a genius. If there’s anything wrong, he’ll sort it out.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.” I felt a ripple of annoyance. He was going into problem-solving mode again, like he was going to sort out all my silly little worries.
“Of course not. You’re perfect.” He smiled. “Just have him check it out, give you a clean bill of health.”
I inched back so we weren’t so close on the sofa. I was starting to feel claustrophobic. “You don’t understand. What’s happening to me isn’t something wrong. They’re memories. I’m recovering memories.”
“Memories. Sure, it could be.” Josh kept his voice calm and even. The way people talk to the elderly or really young. He was just playing along with me. “I’m sure it feels like that.”
I pulled my hand back. “It doesn’t feel like that; it is that.” I got up and grabbed my bag off the table. I rummaged through and pulled out the picture. I passed it over to him. “This photo isn’t a feeling. It’s real.”
Josh glanced down at the picture.
“It’s a woman named Robyn.”
“Okay.”
“I’m pretty sure she’s my mom.”
Josh’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What are you talking about?”
“She was married to my dad until I was nine years old. She’s the woman that I’ve been seeing in my flashbacks.”
“I don’t understand.” Josh stared down at the photo. He turned it over as if the answer might be written on the back.
“Join the club. My best guess at this point is that after she died, my dad wiped my memory.”
Josh blinked rapidly, as if he were trying to clear something from his eyes. “He wouldn’t do that; it would be too risky. Unethical.”
I almost felt bad for him. He seemed more crushed than I’d been. The idea of my dad lying was foreign to him. It was like someone had told him for the first time that Santa wasn’t real. “He must have done it. How else can you explain it?” I didn’t want to be cruel, but I needed him to see it.
Josh stood and started pacing back and forth in front of the window that looked down on the practice ring. He’d pause as if he were about to say something and then start pacing again. I could practically see the wheels in his brain turning as he tried different theories and then rejected them. “How did you find this? Was it that guy?” he asked.
“His name is Neil.”
Josh waved away my words. “Whatever. Was he the one who gave you the photo?”
“I know you don’t trust him—” I started to say.
Josh cut me off. “The question is, why do you trust him? I checked him out, you know.” He nodded when he saw my look of shock. “That’s right. He has a criminal history.”
“For what?”
“Does it matter for what? He has a record.” Josh crossed his arms.
I refused to let him take me off track. Neil had told me he’d been in fights after he lost his brother, he might have been busted for that or for protesting, but none of that mattered. Josh was focused on the wrong things. “Neil didn’t give me the photo; I found it in my house. I also checked the information he gave me myself. The marriage license between Robyn and my dad is public record.”
Josh spun away from me and started pacing again. “There has to be a reason for all of this. We must be missing something. It’s like trying to put together a puzzle when you don’t have all the pieces. When we have everything, it will make sense. We should talk to your dad.”
I grabbed his arm and made him stop. “No.”
“He’s the one person who will know—”
“I said no. I’m not talking to my dad until I have more information. I’m also not seeing that doctor until I know what’s going on. I’m only telling you to see if there’s something that I’m missing.”
Josh stared at me. “You can’t think your dad would do something to you. He’s crazy about you. You’re his daughter.”
I sat back down on the sofa and buried my head in my hands. “I don’t know what I think anymore.” Whatever I thought I knew about my dad, my family, my entire life, was now uncertain and shaky.
Josh crouched down in front of me. “We’ll figure it out together. You know you can count on me, right?”
My throat felt tight. “Josh, that’s something else we have to talk about.”
“Don’t.” He took both of my hands. “Don’t make any decisions when you’re upset; you can’t know what you want when you’re like that.”
The sad thing was I was now surer of what I wanted than I had been in a long time. “This isn’t anything you’ve done; it’s me.” I hated that I was saying the most clichéd breakup line ever. “I know I’m not being a good girlfriend right now.”
“That’s okay.” Josh swallowed hard, and I could see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Being a couple means understanding that there are ups and downs. I don’t mind carrying a bit more of the load now while you focus on other stuff.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “I’m a guy, but I’m not so clueless that I think it’s all about me all the time.”
I hated this conversation. “You’ve never acted like it’s all about you. That’s not the issue.”
“Then what is the issue?” There was a hint of sharpness in his voice. His jaw was tight. I could tell he wanted to ask if it was Neil, but he wouldn’t say the words.
“I don’t know who I am right now. Everything I thought I knew is upside down.” I thrust the photo in his face. “I don’t even know who my real mom is anymore. It’s possible everything I knew before the age of nine is completely made up.”
“What I feel for you isn’t made up. It’s real.” Josh thumped his chest with his fist.
“I know. I don’t doubt that you love me.”
“You just doubt if you love me back.” His eyes were filled with tears, but he didn’t cry.
I longed to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and tell him we’d be together forever, but I couldn’t. “It’s not black-and-white. I love you. You’re one of my best friends. But somewhere along the way that’s what we became. Friends. I don’t think we should go—”
“Stop.” Josh stood up. “Don’t say it, okay? Don’t say you’ll always love me and hope we can be friends. I can’t stand the thought of you saying that.”
“The last thing I want is to hurt you,” I mumbled.
“Then don’t.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Look, I get it. You’re going through this awful thing and stuff is messed up. No wonder you don’t know what you want. But you don’t have to make a decision right now. You don’t have to throw away what we have. It’s been good, right?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
“Then, let’s not break up. We can just . . . put things on hold. You need some space. I can give it to you. We’ll take a step back.” He took a large step back as if to show me what he meant. “Just don’t break up with me unless you’re sure. We’ve been together a long time. I’ll give you space if you promise not to give up on us.”
“Okay.” My voice came out almost as a whisper. I knew I shouldn’t back down. Things between us weren’t going to change, but I didn’t have the guts to insist.
Josh’s face showed instant relief. He knelt down and hugged me. “I love you, and I’m here if you need me.” He pulled back when he felt me stiffen. “Sorry. No problem, no more hugging for a while.” He waved his hands to show how much space was between us. He stood up and started looking around the room. He grabbed a small notebook that sat on the counter by the phone. “Consider us officially romantically on hold. But just because we’re on hold doesn’t mean I can’t help you.” He started making a to-do list. Josh loved a good list. “I’ll check at work to see if there are any records of you ever being in the clinic before and also if there are any records of anyone having bigger chunks of their memory wiped.”
Josh tapped the pencil against his lower lip while he thought of other things he could do. Win was right; he would think of what I should do next. I knew I should feel relieved to have him on my side, but instead I just felt sad.