Tailor Shop. Counter with samples on it. On stage: JOEY, ERNEST.
ERNEST
I like this, lots.
JOEY
Yeah, who’s wearing this?
ERNEST
Well, of course no one is. Everything is exclusive. If you bought this you’d be the only one, but Mr. Teddy Winston, the polo player—well, he has a jacket quite a little like it.
JOEY
Okay. Make up a suit out of it.
ERNEST
The trousers too? I thought just the jacket and possibly some contrasting slacks.
JOEY
The suit. The schmeer. What else do I need?
VERA
(Enters)
Hello.
JOEY
You’re late enough.
VERA
You better get used to it, my pet. This stuff—thank goodness you didn’t buy any of this.
JOEY
What? I bought all of it.
VERA
Oh, no you didn’t. Now, Ernest, didn’t he tell you I sent him here? You wouldn’t do this to a friend of mine, would you?
ERNEST
Had I but known, Mrs. Simpson. But the gentleman never mentioned your name.
VERA
Well, that’s something. All right, throw all the stuff away and we’ll start from scratch. And can I scratch!
ERNEST
Very good, Mrs. Simpson. Very good. Now I have some new . . . If you’ll just step this way . . .
VERA
And don’t show us any more of Teddy Winston’s stuff. (To JOEY) If you started dressing like a gentleman you might begin behaving like one, and that I but never could take. Stay as sweet as you are, dear.
JOEY
That’s the way to do it.
VERA
Do what?
JOEY
Keep me as sweet as I am—pamper me a little.
VERA
Somebody started that a long time ago.
JOEY
Well, it got results.
(He exits, left.)
(Music cue.)
VERA
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
VERSE:
He’s a fool, and don’t I know it—
But a fool can have his charms;
I’m in love and don’t I show it,
Like a babe in arms.
Men are not a new sensation,
I’ve done pretty well, I think;
But this half-pint imitation
Puts me on the blink.
REFRAIN:
I’m wild again!
Beguiled again!
A simpering, whimpering child again!
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
Couldn’t sleep
And wouldn’t sleep
Until I could sleep where I shouldn’t sleep.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I!
Lost my heart, but what of it?
My mistake, I agree.
He’s a laugh but I love it
Because the laugh’s on me.
A pill he is,
But still he is
All mine and I’ll keep him until he is
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered
Like me!
SECOND CHORUS:
Seen a lot;
I mean a lot—
But now I’m like sweet seventeen a lot.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
I’ll sing to him—
Each spring to him,
And worship the trousers that cling to him.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
When he talks
He is seeking
Words to get off his chest.
Horizontally speaking
He’s at his very best.
Vexed again
Perplexed again
Thank God I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
(VERA crosses, left, and sits.)
THIRD CHORUS:
Sweet again
Petite again
And on my proverbial seat again.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
What am I?
Half shot am I.
To think that he loves me
So hot am I.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
Though at first we said no sir
Now we’re two little dears
You might say we are closer
Than Roebuck is to Sears.
I’m dumb again
And numb again
A rich, ready, ripe little plum again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
(JOEY and ERNEST enter. Look at sample.)
LAST ENCORE:
You know—
It is really quite funny
Just how quickly he learns
How to spend all the money
That Mr. Simpson earns.
He’s kept enough
He’s slept enough
And yet where it counts
He’s adept enough.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered
Am I.
JOEY
Why didn’t you come with us? Don’t you take an interest?
VERA
I’ll see the final result.
(LINDA enters. She is a stenographer and has something for ERNEST to sign.)
LINDA
Will you okay this, please, Mr. Ernest?
JOEY
Hyuh. How’re the dogs?
LINDA
Oh, I never get a chance to see them any more. I moved. I’m not in that neighborhood any more.
JOEY
Oh.
(VERA starts tapping her foot, which ERNEST notices. He shoos LINDA away.)
ERNEST
Go away, Miss Birnbaum, or whatever your name is. (To VERA) She’s new here. (To LINDA) I told you never to . . . (To VERA) Or perhaps you’ll excuse me just a second? It might be important.
LINDA
It isn’t important, Mr. Ernest. (To JOEY) Good-bye.
(She goes off.)
JOEY
Good-bye.
VERA
Now really.
JOEY
I only saw her twice before in my life. She likes dogs. (Laughs) Imagine that. She’s crazy about dogs. Ordinary dogs, that you see in a window.
VERA
And that’s how you got together. You—Albert Payson Terhune, you. Oh, I can just see you, with your pipe, and your Teddy Winston tweeds, and a stout walking stick, tramping across the moors. (JOEY laughs) What are you laughing about?
JOEY
Those moors. I used to work in a band with a guy named Moore. I’d like to tramp across him.
VERA
Stop it. Anyway, this, uh, mouse, as you call them. (Shakes her head slowly, warningly) No. See? No . . . Good God, I’m getting to talk like you.
JOEY
Her? That’s jail bait. Of course she’s old enough to work . . . How old do you have to be to work in this State?
(VERA looks off stage, sort of wondering whether to do anything about the mouse, LINDA.)
VERA
At what?
JOEY
Ah, you’re not listening. How about this one? (He picks up some material as another mouse comes on. He does not see the mouse, but VERA does and misinterprets what he says) I like this one.
VERA
Oh, you do, eh?
JOEY
Yeah . . . and it ought to wear like hell. About a hundred and twenty clams.
VERA
(As mouse exits)
And how did you know it was a hundred and twenty clams?
JOEY
It says so. Look. (Holds up tag) See?
VERA
I didn’t. But I do now. Oh, what you missed.
JOEY
What did I miss?
VERA
Never mind. You probably only missed it once. Anyway it’s the evening things that are important. You never get up in the daytime. If you’re going to be a great big master of ceremonies, in a great big night club . . .
JOEY
Hey, I thought it was going to be aan-teem. Small but exclusive. Chez Joey. Chez Joey. I can just see myself in white tie, and tails, maybe an opera hat sort of like this . . . (Imitates a smooth toothy entrance) “Maysure a dam.” Suave. I bow here, I bow there. Very quiet. Maybe I have the plumbers playing Valentina very soft behind me. Never raise my voice. I wish I could do it all in French. Maybe I will, maybe I will.
VERA
Maybe you better not.
JOEY
Maybe I better not. Tonight it is my pleasure—to—present—for your delight . . . Hey, maybe a sort of a patter. Tonight—it is my pleasure—to present for your delight—Bazum, bazum bazum zum, bazum bazum, bazum. Hey, how about that? Who writes that kind of stuff? Maybe I could get him to grind out a little thing like that.
VERA
Bazum.
JOEY
No, sugar. No cracks.
VERA
Bazum. Get your mind off bazum.
JOEY
You wrong me. You wrong me. I’m only thinking of my work. Anyhow you put all this scratch in an-teem little cloop. Is that right? Cloop?
VERA
Club, Joint, Dive, Crib, I don’t care what you call it.
JOEY
I like cloop. Anyway, you put all this moola in the cloop, I want it to be a success for your sake, honey sugar. I like to think of your investment.
VERA
Just remember, my hero, that it is my investment.
JOEY
What have I done that you don’t trust me?
VERA
What have you had a chance to do?
ERNEST
(Enters)
So terribly sorry, but I . . .
VERA
Never mind, Ernest. The important thing is the evening clothes. Not too Brooks Brothers. After all, he’s only a boy and we want to keep him looking that way. But on the other hand, not too, you know, lapels and things.
JOEY
I guess I can order my own clothes.
VERA
That’s what I mean. Whenever he tries putting in his ideas, that’s when to be very careful.
ERNEST
I think I understand, perfectly. Now if we’ll just go in the fitting room.
(ERNEST and JOEY go.)
VERA
Don’t mind me. I’m leaving. (LINDA enters with some notes in her hand. She passes VERA as though to go after the men) Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you?
LINDA
Yes. My second week.
VERA
(Putting on the “tough act”)
Well, would you mind telling Ernie to be sure and put the extra-size pockets in for the guns? My husband is kind of absent-minded and he forgot the last time.
LINDA
What?
VERA
Imagine that lug, forty suits he ordered and not a Goddamn one with a rod pocket in it.
LINDA
Your husband?
VERA
Did you see him or didn’t you? He’s in there with Ernie now. I gotta scram. Take a note. Quote. Joey Evans stuff. Be sure and put in extra revolver pockets. Unquote.
LINDA
(Tearfully making notes)
Yes, ma’am?
VERA
Okey doke. Oh yeah. Tell him I gotta talk tough to his first wife. She wants more alimony. More alimony! (Walking, right) She’s lucky to be alive, that babe. Well, be seeing you.
(Exits.)
LINDA
Be seeing you—thank you.
ERNEST
(As he and JOEY re-enter)
. . . But I could have guessed to the quarter inch . . . Thirty-eight and a quarter shoulders, left shoulder slightly higher . . .
JOEY
(Paying no attention—to LINDA)
Hy yuh, babe. I guess you don’t sleep on that living-room couch any more since you got a job.
LINDA
No, sir. (To ERNEST) You’re not to forget about the revolver pockets in this gentleman’s suits.
JOEY AND ERNEST
Revolver pockets?
LINDA
And your wife said to tell you she’s going to talk tough to your first wife. About the alimony.
JOEY
What is this?
LINDA
I’ll bet you never ran over Skippy. I’ll bet you shot him.
(Exits.)
ERNEST
But Mr. Evans . . .
JOEY
Ah—let it alone. (ERNEST exits) She can’t bother me; nobody can.
(Music cue.)
Pal Joey
What do I care for a dame?
What do I care for a dame?
Every old dame is the same.
Every damn dame is the same.
I got a future—
A rosy future;
You can be sure I’ll be tops.
I’m independent;
I’m no defendant.
I’ll own a night club that’s tops
And I’ll be in with the cops.
What do I care for the skirts?
What do I care for the skirts?
I’ll make them pay ’til it hurts.
Let them put up ’til it hurts.
I’m going to own a night club;
It’s going to be the right club.
For the swell gentry—
It’s elementary
I’ll wear top hat and cane.
In Chez Joey,
They’ll pay Joey,
The gay Joey—
I can see it plain.
(Traveler opens.)
(Ballet.)