VICTOR is standing, center, looking at the costumes of two girls. MICKEY is at left center.
STAGE MANAGER
Hey, Scholtz!
SCHOLTZ
(In wings)
Yeah.
STAGE MANAGER
Hit Gladys with a surprise pink.
SCHOLTZ
Okay.
VICTOR
And when I say pink light, I mean pink.
VALERIE
I’ll tell him.
STAGE MANAGER
Hey, Scholtz!
SCHOLTZ
Yeah.
STAGE MANAGER
You’ll have to raise that baby when they bring those tables on the floor.
SCHOLTZ
Right.
VICTOR
Oh, don’t worry about that. We’re never gonna be ready to open tonight.
VALERIE
I’ll tell him.
VICTOR
You keep your mouth shut.
DOTTIE
(At entrance, with three Girls)
Is this all right, Victor?
VICTOR
Come here. Where’s Mr. Evans?
(Examines costumes.)
MIKE
(Entering)
Don’t bother, Joey. I got him slated for an interview in fifteen minutes. Get your opening number cleaned up first.
STAGE MANAGER
Give me the trim.
SCHOLTZ
Okay.
VICTOR
Where’s Gladys?
MICKEY
Getting on her costume. She’ll be here in a minute.
VICTOR
Well, hurry her up.
VALERIE
I’ll tell her.
(Exits.)
DELIVERY BOY
(Entering with crate of eggs)
Want this in here?
MIKE
No, never mind. Take it downstairs.
STAGE MANAGER
Stand by and lower that border.
GLADYS
(Entering, giving “Mi-Mi-Mi” with the voice.
VICTOR crosses to left of her to see her costume)
Did you reserve that table for those friends of mine?
MIKE
All taken care of.
GLADYS
Can they see the floor? I mean with a telescope. Have ’em good, will you? They’re very important people.
MIKE
I bet.
VALERIE
(Re-entering)
Victor!
VICTOR
What is it?
VALERIE
They’re ready.
VICTOR
It’s about time. All right, on your toes, everybody. I want no interruptions—and no noise. (Hammering off stage) And try to get it right just once. All right, Louis, on the bench.
(Flower Number)
The Flower Garden Of My Heart
LOUIS
(The Tenor)
I haven’t got a great big yacht,
But I’m contented with my lot,
I’ve got one thing much more beautiful and grand.
I do not own a racing horse.
But that don’t fill me with remorse.
I possess the finest show-place in the land.
So come with me and wander.
To a lovely spot out yonder.
REFRAIN
In the flower garden of my heart
I’ve got violets blue as your eyes,
I’ve got dainty narcissus
As sweet as my missus
And lilies as pure as the skies.
In the flower garden of my heart
I’ve got roses as red as your mouth.
Just to keep our love holy
I’ve got gladioli
And sun flowers fresh from the South,
But you are the artist
And love is the art
In the flower garden of my heart.
RECITATIONS—FLOWER NUMBER
Violet—the flower dear old grandmother wore
Away ’way back in the days of yore.
Sunflower—the favorite of white and dusky pixie
Away down south in the land of Dixie.
(Sunflower: “I’m a sunflower”)
Heather—Sir Harry Lauder sang of its beauties—
The decoration of all Scotch cuties.
Lily—the flower of youthful purity—
It’s very sweet—you have my surety.
Lilac—the sky turns blue and the churchbells chime.
Ah—love—we love sweet lilac time.
If you’re a hundred percent American—goodness knows
You love the American Beauty Rose.
REFRAIN
GLADYS
In the flower garden of my heart
I’ve got daisies to tell me you’re true.
Oh, the west wind will whisk us
The scent of hibiscus
And heather that’s smothered with dew.
In the flower garden of my heart
I’ve got lilacs and dainty sweet peas.
You will look like Sweet William
And smell like a trilliam
Surrounded by fond bumble bees,
But you are the pastry and I am the tart
In the flower garden of my heart.
(After Flower Number)
VICTOR
All right, strike those props and get everybody ready for the next number.
(Ad lib on exit. Singer crosses from right to left taking off costume. Also Girls. Men set tables and chairs. MIKE enters with MELBA.)
MIKE
Hey, Victor.
VICTOR
What is it?
MIKE
(To VICTOR)
Tell Joey to come out here.
VICTOR
Yes—yes.
MIKE
(To MELBA)
Sit right down here, Miss Melba. (MISS MELBA sits. JOEY enters. MICHAEL crosses to JOEY) Joey! Here’s one I can leave you alone with.
JOEY
Alone? Here? That?
MICHAEL
Be nice. This is the press. You know. Publicity. Chez Joey’s name in the papers.
JOEY
Ah?
MICHAEL
Her name is Melba Snyder. She’s on the Herald . . . Miss Snyder, make you acquainted with Joey, of Chez Joey.
JOEY
Miss Snyder. Miss Melba Snyder, of course?
MELBA
Yes, as a matter of fact, but how did you know? I usually only sign M. S.
JOEY
And I think it’s a shame they don’t let you sign your whole name. (To MELBA) Just a second, Miss Snyder. (Aside to MICHAEL) Oh, Michael, before I forget it, in that second number . . . (Voice lowering) What the hell does this dame do? Write a cooking column or something?
MICHAEL
You’re doing fine, boy. She does night-club news and interviews.
JOEY
(Faking for MELBA’S benefit)
Right. Then I come on for the last eight bars, right?
MICHAEL
Right.
JOEY
Sorry, Miss Snyder, but you know all this confusion and helter-skelter and etcetera on opening night. Now, as I was saying when Michael interrupted me, they oughta let you sign your whole name. I often think, you newspaper people—I don’t know many of the ladies and gentlemen of the press here in Chicago, but of course New York. I know all the boys. Anyway, you ought to have a union.
MELBA
We have a union.
JOEY
(Covering)
And I’m glad. Let’s have a powder. (Whistle. Calls WAITER) Waldo! You drink, of course.
MELBA
A double Scotch and plain water. No ice. Make that St. James Scotch and tell him not to give me Jameson’s Irish.
JOEY
(Dumbfounded)
What?
MELBA
(To the WAITER)
Double St. James and water, no ice. And don’t bring me Jameson’s Irish. (To JOEY) I can’t drink Irish except straight.
JOEY
(Weakly)
Coke with lime.
(WAITER exits.)
MELBA
This is going to be a Sunday piece, so we can go all out. You can start at the beginning, wherever you want to. I never take notes, so go right ahead.
JOEY
Well, how I got in this business and so on?
MELBA
That’s right.
JOEY
That was rather innaresting, how I got in this business. I was up at Dartmouth University—
MELBA
What for?
JOEY
Going there. I was a “soph.”
MELBA
I thought they called it Dartmouth College.
JOEY
Sometimes we do, and sometimes we don’t. It’s a hell of a big place.
(WAITER with drinks.)
MELBA
Relatively. About 1650 students, I thought. Nothing to compare in size at least with Chicago, Northwestern, our universities. However, you were up there.
(She takes a drink.)
JOEY
As a soph. I was living at the Frat House.
MELBA
Frat?
JOEY
Sure!
MELBA
You make it sound like one of those colleges where Betty Grable’s always going. But—continue.
JOEY
Well. The kids were sitting around singing and playing the piano and there was this society singer from New York—I grew up with her—Her name was Consuelo Van Rensselaer, Connie. I grew up with her, but I didn’t see her much after Daddy lost his fortune. (MELBA chokes on her drink) We had to give up the estate. All the horses, and mares, and dogs . . .
MELBA
And?
JOEY
And yes, Miss Snyder—and bitches—we had to give them up too.
MELBA
Oh, yeah?
JOEY
Well, we had to give them all up when Daddy lost his fortune.
MELBA
You said that. Or maybe you forget. I’m not taking notes—I remember everything.
JOEY
We were sitting around singing all the old songs. Dardanella, Who. The oldies. Suddenly everybody stopped singing and I was the only one. It was a lovely old tune that Mother used to sing to me before going out to some big society ball. Mother had a lovely voice.
MELBA
That was before you lost your fortune?
JOEY
Yes. Exactly. She lost her voice when Daddy lost our fortune. The shock—(Looks at her—thinks as though he is being ribbed—and continues a little mad) Well, this lovely old tune . . .
MELBA
You don’t happen to remember what it was called? Was it—(Singing) Frère Jacques—Frère Jacques?
JOEY
(Cutting in)
I believe it was. Yes, I believe it was.
MELBA
Oh, then everybody joined in.
JOEY
No—nobody else knew it.
MELBA
Oh.
JOEY
So Connie was sitting in a corner, and she was crying softly to herself. It reminded her of something. It was just the mood it got her into. So when all the others applauded, she sat there crying softly.
MELBA
Then did she say—you ought to be singing professionally, and introduce you to Pops Whiteman, and he gave you your first break, then you sort of sang with several other bands, and in night clubs, and that’s how you happened to come to Chicago? Okay. I’ll write it.
JOEY
Say, what is this?
MELBA
Let me make it up. You’ll only confuse me. I have to get some pictures of this tripe. God knows why—God knows and I think I do—(Looks at watch) Che-rist-mas—I’ve gotta leave. Good luck, and give my love to Connie Van Rensselaer.
MICHAEL
(Enters)
How’s our boy doing? Giving you all the facts?
MELBA
He’s given me plenty of information. I don’t know about the facts.
JOEY
I’d like to interview you some day. You’d get plenty of information.
MELBA
I’d love it.
(JOEY exits.)
MICHAEL
Ah—you mustn’t mind him . . .
MELBA
(Crossing)
Him? After the people I’ve interviewed? It’s pretty late in the day for me to start getting bothered by the funny ones I talk to.
MICHAEL
Like for instance?
(Music cue.)
Zip
I’ve interviewed Pablo Picasso
And a countess named di Frasso.
I’ve interviewed the great Stravinsky,
But my greatest achievement is the interview I had
With the star who worked for Minsky.
I met her at the Yankee Clipper
And she didn’t unzip one zipper.
I said, “Miss Lee, you are such an artist,
Tell me why you never miss.
What do you think of while you work?”
And she said, “While I work
My thoughts go something like this:
REFRAIN
Zip! Walter Lippmann wasn’t brilliant today,
Zip! Will Saroyan ever write a great play?
Zip! I was reading Schopenhauer last night.
Zip! And I think that Schopenhauer was right.
I don’t want to see Zorina.
I don’t want to meet Cobina.
Zip! I’m an intellectual.
I don’t like a deep contralto
Or a man whose voice is alto.
Zip! I’m a heterosexual.
Zip! It took intellect to master my art.
Zip! Who the hell is Margie Hart?
SECOND CHORUS
Zip! I consider Dali’s painting passé.
Zip! Can they make the Metropolitan pay?
Zip! English people don’t say clerk
They say clark.
Zip! Anybody who says clark is a jark.
I have read the great Cabala
And I simply worship Allah.
Zip! I am just a mystic.
I don’t care for Whistler’s Mother,
Charley’s Aunt, or Shubert’s brother.
Zip! I’m misogynistic.
Zip! My intelligence is guiding my hand.
Zip! Who the hell is Sally Rand?
THIRD CHORUS
Zip! Toscanini leads the greatest of bands;
Zip! Jergen’s Lotion does the trick for his hands.
Zip! Rip Van Winkle on the screen would be smart;
Zip! Tyrone Power will be cast in the part.
I adore the great Confucius,
And the lines of luscious Lucius.
Zip! I am so eclectic;
I don’t care for either Mickey—
Mouse and Rooney make me sicky.
Zip! I’m a little hectic.
Zip! My artistic taste is classic and dear—
Zip! Who the hell’s Lili St. Cyr?”
(VICTOR enters.)
VICTOR
Michael.
MICHAEL
Well, what now?
VICTOR
There’s a fellow out there to see you.
MICHAEL
Don’t let him in.
VICTOR
I think he’s going to come in whether we want him to or not.
LOWELL
(Off stage)
Out of my way. (Enters, MICHAEL enters, left, crosses to right, and calls JOEY off stage. JOEY enters from right as LOWELL enters from upper left.) Mike, take five.
MICHAEL
Hello . . . Hey you, waiter, Waldo . . . Nail them tables down. Nail everything down.
LOWELL
Aah ha ha ha . . . Ah, you Mike. You’re my guy. (JOEY enters) You really are my guy. Let’s sit down over here after you introduce me to the new idol of the airwaves. My name is Ludlow Lowell.
MICHAEL
Ooh. You really go by that?
LOWELL
It’s my name. Cook County says it’s my name.
MICHAEL
I know, but just amongst us kids. What is that again?
LOWELL
Ludlow Lowell, with two l’s. Next year I change it to Lowell with one l. It’s a combination I figured out on numerology and the stars, astrology. Sagittarius.
JOEY
Say it again, with two l’s.
LOWELL
Lowell.
JOEY
Now say it with one l.
LOWELL
Lowell.
JOEY
I like it better with one l.
LOWELL
Oh, a fresh punk. Okay, Mike, it’s your joint, I guess. But would you mind, you know, going away? Take a powder the hell outa here. Now. (Crossing to table) I take off my watch, I put it on the table here, and I ask you to shut up and listen to me for a minute. Okay? Okay. Now, I am a man of few words and very taciturn. I have a point and head straight for it, provided certain parties do not interrupt. Don’t even say all right—just keep quiet.
JOEY
All right.
LOWELL
(Rising)
You spoiled it. Now I have to start all over again. (Sits) Okay. Watch on table. Man of few words. So—The word reaches me that an unknown is suddenly opening up in this newly decorated and refurbished decor. I ponder it over and consider it in my mind. Why? Well, Joey, if I know one thing it is night clubs and human nature and who backs shows and the like of that, and so I never heard of you, and so I add it all up and deduce that you have a friend. Is this friend a man? Maybe. Or is it a mouse?
JOEY
(Interrupting)
But I don’t see how . . .
LOWELL
(Rising, annoyed)
How do you like the guy? He won’t let you talk. (Sits again) Well. All this I check up on through my underground sources. I am not a gossip or a scandalmonger that does not mind their own business, Joey, but just incidentally I happen to hear who it is. Holy hell—I say to myself. So I come right over to see if you have representation.
JOEY
Are you asking do I have an agent?
LOWELL
“Representation” is what I offer.
JOEY
(Rising—crosses away to left)
I don’t need any agents.
LOWELL
(Taking contracts from pocket)
Sign this.
JOEY
(Crossing up)
I sign nothing.
LOWELL
If I can assure and guarantee you $50,000 a year inside of a year and a half, is that any encouraging inducement?
JOEY
I’ll be making that myself in that time without any agent.
LOWELL
Sign this, you God-damn pig-headed fool or I’ll walk out on you.
JOEY
(Over table)
Why should I sign what I never even read?
LOWELL
Ludlow Lowell is why. Me. Take a quick gander at it. It is not typewritten. It is printed. It is a standard contract. (Snatches it away from JOEY) Here, give it back to me. I don’t care if you sign it or you don’t sign it. (GLADYS enters) Don’t round now, but isn’t that Gladys Bumps over there?
JOEY
Without looking, yes.
LOWELL
Gladys, darling. Come here and sit on my lap, Gladys.
GLADYS
(Rushing to him)
Louis—I mean Ludlow. (Sits on his lap) What’s with you?
JOEY
(Seated)
You know this jerk?
GLADYS
You’re the only one that doesn’t know him. Are you wasting your time with the laddy-boy, here Ludlow?
LOWELL
That I fear, Gladys, that I fear. I have offered him representation; I have offered him a contract and he wants to read it.
GLADYS
(To JOEY)
Well, sign it, you jerk, before he walks out on you. Or have you changed your mind in the last ten minutes and no longer care for money?
JOEY
You think I ought to sign with this guy?
GLADYS
In blood, if necessary.
(JOEY signs both copies. GLADYS and LOWELL exchange looks.)
LOWELL
Gladys, would you care to attest this instrument? (She takes) Don’t look at me that way, Gladys. I only mean do you wish to sign this as a witness?
GLADYS
(Laughing)
Oh, I thought . . .
LOWELL
Don’t worry, Gladys, we know what you thought. Lower left-hand corner. Two copies. (She signs and he gives JOEY one copy) Now then, old chappie, Monday afternoon three o’clock you come to my temporary office at the Morrison Hotel while I’m having the main office redecorated and refurbished. (GLADYS exits) You be there at three o’clock and we will have a little chat to get acquainted, and following that I am taking you over to NBC to audition for the Staff o’ Life Bread program. (JOEY rises as though to go) By the way, a delicate matter, but you will tell Mike to send me your checks hereafter since I am representing you; then I put them in our special Joey account and deduct my small fee.
JOEY
But I got this job myself.
LOWELL
(Has risen—pats his face)
Contract’s a contract, Joey. Let’s not start right off on the wrong foot, you know?
JOEY
You’re sure about this Staffo thing?
LOWELL
It is only the beginning. Thirteen weeks is the most I will sign for, that’s how I feel about it.
JOEY
(Crossing to him)
Okay. How’d you . . . What made you think I’d be such a sure thing for this program? Who owns Staffo?
LOWELL
Are you kidding? Only Prentiss Simpson owns it.
JOEY
(Slowly crossing, right)
Oh . . .
LOWELL
I guess you know him? Or anyway, you know who he is.
JOEY
Well, I gotta blow.
(Exits.)
LOWELL
Sure. Be seeing you, pally. (MICHAEL enters) Michael—a million thanks for the use of the hall.
MICHAEL
In the meantime, you wouldn’t be upset if we went ahead with our rehearsal?
(Girls and Boys enter.)
LOWELL
On the contrary, I want you to rehearse, because I’m going to be here tonight, and I know it’s gonna be good.
MICHAEL
Okay. Now can we use the floor?
LOWELL
Don’t worry, it’ll be a smash!
SANDRA
How do you know?
LOWELL
It figures—numerology and the stars—Sagittarius—Now I go.
(LOWELL exits.)
MICHAEL
Okay, kids. Go ahead and rehearse.
(Dancing introduction followed by number sung by GLADYS and ENSEMBLE.)
Plant You Now, Dig You Later
GLADYS
Sweetheart, the day is waning,
Must go without complaining,
Time for Auf Wiedersehning now.
Right now it’s time to start your
Farewells that mean departure
I keep deep in your heart
You’re all for me.
Call for me soon.
REFRAIN
Where’s the check?
Get me the waiter.
I’m not going to stay.
Plant you now, dig you later,
I’m on my way.
My regret couldn’t be greater
At having to scram.
Plant you now, dig you later,
I’m on the lam.
Bye-bye, my hep-chick,
Solid and true.
I’ll keep in step, chick,
Till I come digging for you.
So, little potater
Stay right where you are,
Plant you now, dig you later
Means au revoir,
Just au revoir!