No matter how disturbing or visceral a crime scene is, in order to be impartial, the investigator must remain immune to the emotional impact.
—VICTOR FLEMMING
Rachel rounds the table toward me, arms extended. Warm huggy, on the move. But I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want to be comforted. Not right this minute. I need to sit with this and get my thoughts straight.
I back toward the door. “I just need a minute. Give me a minute.”
All three of them stop and stare at me.
“I’ll be right back.” I turn and swiftly move toward the door.
I open it and the blast of air feels great. I continue moving straight to Victor’s car.
Three sets of footsteps follow me.
I know this is stupid. It’s not like there’s anywhere I can go. I get into Victor’s car and close the door and breathe in the rich leather scent.
Rachel’s palms flatten against the glass. “Erin, please. Let’s talk about this.”
Victor and the chief hang back at the top of the driveway. Hands in their pockets. Creases between their eyebrows. Uncomfortable as hell.
I’m trapped. Nowhere to go, nothing to say. I’m just going to have to gut it out.
I try to roll down the window, but there’s no power to the car.
My only option is to open the door. Sigh.
Before the door span is even six inches, Rachel’s hands dart in and grab both sides of my face. “Erin. Look at me,” she commands.
I turn my face to hers, shocked by her flood of tears.
“Rachel.” My voice is steady and matter-of-fact. “I’m okay. I just wasn’t expecting it and so I was a little shocked. But I’m fine. It’s all good.”
“No. You’re not good. You’re stuffing, I can tell.” She hugs my head to her chest. “I’m so, so, so sorry. I should’ve been more careful about your reaction. I just—”
“You were excited. I get it.”
“I got swept up in the moment. I was being selfish.” She pulls me out of the car and wraps her arms around me. “Your feelings are okay. They’re normal. Natural. Do not stuff them down, please. Nothing will change right now. I promise. Nothing changes until you’re ready.”
“It’s okay. Really. I’m ready. I want you to be happy.” And this is true. I feel like complete crap for ruining this moment for her. She always made everything about me, so I never suspected that she might want something more. Now I feel like a complete jerk.
“I am happy. I’ve always been happy. And you know you’re the moon and the—” Ugh. Here it comes. I fumble trying to get my hand out of my sleeve and up to her lips. But she grabs my wrist before I can silence her.
“You are our priority. We know you’ll need time to get adjusted to this and we are prepared to give you all the time you need. We’ll wait years. It doesn’t matter to us at all.” She pauses, sniffling and blotting her eyes on the edge of her sweater. “Once there’s a plan and a timeframe we’re all comfortable with, you will have choices. We’re not just going to tell you what you have to do. You’ll get to choose.”
She looks so miserable. I just want her to stop trying to fix it. This isn’t a “fix it” thing.
“What kind of choices?” I ask, also blotting my eyes with my sleeve.
“Like where you want to live. Once it’s settled … and it doesn’t have to be right away … we figured that I could move in here with Charles. Now that Victor is home he can take over Mom and Dad’s house. You, my darling, can choose. We would give anything if you will come live with us here. But if you chose to stay there with Victor, so you can be near your friends, I won’t be hurt. We’ll still see each other every day. I’m really sorry I didn’t plan a better way to tell you the news. Charles means well and he’s so excited about all of it, but especially about getting to know you. Through all of this you will remain our priority.”
I nod. “I know. I know.” I glance over at Victor and the chief silently watching our every move. I dig the toe of my shoe into a crack in the driveway. “Sorry. I’m okay. Really it was just so sudden I didn’t know how to react.”
“I understand,” she says. “Come back up and let’s finish dinner.” She gently takes my elbow. But I stand firm.
“I’m not hungry anymore. I think I really just want to go home.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m fine. But I need to be home.”
She nods. “Okay. I’ll have Victor take you.”
I nod and get back in the car and close the door.
Rachel shrugs helplessly at Victor and the chief. Victor takes this as his cue and strides over and gets in on the driver’s side. He leans toward me as he buckles his seatbelt.
“Just so you know, I’m game for whatever you have in mind, there just needs to be the promise of a meal at the end of it. Because I really am starving.”
He’s starving and there’s a gaping, hollow pit inside me.
“Take me somewhere,” I say. “Anywhere. Somewhere I’ve never been.” I soothe my head against the cool window and breathe out a path of fog. No matter what I do, my future always seems to look exactly like this.
“Roger that.” Victor checks his watch. “It’s Saturday … camp hasn’t started yet. I’ve got this.” He starts the car and turns on the lights, washing Rachel and the chief in the beams. The chief has his arm around her and she’s nervously twisting the ring on her finger.
“They look happy, don’t they?” I say.
“They really do,” agrees Victor.
We’re both lying. They look like they’re facing a firing squad.
“Did you know about the engagement before tonight?” I ask.
“No,” Victor answers. “It was a complete surprise.”