Kat was relieved to have five minutes to herself. Mezz and Ellie meant well, she knew that, and she was grateful for their support, but she was beginning to feel suffocated by all the attention. Not to mention the forced cheerfulness.
When the nurse came in to remove her catheter she mentioned that the doctor was on her way to talk to her. Kat had been too groggy after her surgery yesterday to comprehend any of the information her surgeon had given her. After Dr Miles had said the word ‘cancer’ her brain had simply shut down. Today she was feeling more lucid. The pain medication being delivered via the drip in her arm was keeping her reasonably comfortable, without making her too drowsy, so she felt more confident about comprehending whatever news her surgeon was about to deliver.
She’d asked Mezz and Ellie to take Ami down to the cafeteria. Mezz had offered to stay, and Kat knew she was desperate to be in the room to hear the news. But she couldn’t bear to fall apart in front of her friend. There were some experiences in life that couldn’t be shared.
In her bones she knew she was dying. Maybe deep down in her soul she’d known for months now, even if her brain hadn’t caught on. Perhaps that’s why she’d thrown caution to the wind and allowed herself to live so fully these past few months. It had started when she’d defied Josh and stuck with the online forum. Something she didn’t quite understand, perhaps a higher power or a sixth sense, had driven her to pursue a friendship with Ellie, Mezz and Jewels. Somehow she knew they’d be important to her. And they were. In such a short time those three women had become her family. They’d been there for her already, seeing her through her break-up with Josh and cheering from the sidelines when she’d taken control of her life, and then found happiness with Ben.
That was another wonderful thing the universe had given her these past few months – a delicious guilt-free liaison with a truly beautiful man. She’d dived headlong into that relationship without letting the fact that there was possibly no future in it worry her. Perhaps something within her had known that was a problem that would never need solving.
Poor man. She’d run off on him without explaining herself. Later, when she had a better idea of what was happening here, she’d call him. But she knew one thing; what they’d had together – however wonderful – was over now. It had to be for his sake. He didn’t need the burden that this illness would inevitably bring. It was too much to ask. Kat would relieve him of the choice to stay. It was the least she could do for him after all he’d done for her.
‘Hello, Katia. How are you feeling?’ The question came from her surgeon, Louise Miles, who was now busy pulling the privacy curtain around Kat’s bed.
‘A bit sore, actually.’
‘Well, that’s to be expected. You’ve had major surgery.’
Kat nodded, not really sure what she was supposed to do or say. Perhaps sending Mezz out of the room wasn’t such a great idea after all.
‘I imagine you want to know more about what we found when we operated, so I’m not going to keep you in suspense any longer. You were still quite out of it when we spoke yesterday so I’m not sure how much of that you remember?’
Kat shrugged. ‘I remember I have cancer.’
Dr Miles nodded. ‘Yes, you have ovarian cancer. I’m sorry. I wish I had better news to tell you. What you need to know for now is that we’ve removed the tumour. It had adhered itself to the uterine wall. Unfortunately that meant we had to remove your entire uterus.’
‘A hysterectomy?’
‘Yes. Remember we talked about this possibility before surgery?’
Kat nodded automatically.
‘In fact the cancer had spread all through the pelvic area so we have had to take everything – the uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes. We’ve also taken some of your lymph nodes for testing. You’ll be visited by the oncologist on Monday who’ll talk to you about your treatment in more detail. You do need to know that we believe there’s a possibility the cancer has already spread to distant sites. There’s some evidence of diaphragm, liver and possibly some lung involvement. Right now you are considered stage three, however if pathology confirms cancerous cells in any of those sites then that will change to stage four. This does have some implications for your treatment going forward but we will discuss that fully when all your results are in. At the moment I don’t have all the pathology back to complete the grading of your cancer, but hopefully I’ll be able to tell you something more definitive on Monday. You’ll probably want to ask some more questions then, once you’ve had time to process it all. I’m sure your doctor friend – Meredith, isn’t it? – will be able to help you come up with a list of suitable questions.’
Kat’s brow creased in confusion for a moment until she realised Dr Miles was talking about Mezz. ‘Okay,’ she said.
The doctor grabbed the privacy curtain to pull it open. ‘Do you have anything you want to ask me before I leave?’
‘Yes,’ Kat said. ‘I need you to tell me straight. How long do I have to live?’
The surgeon’s hand fell from the curtain and she looked Kat in the eye. ‘I’m sorry. I honestly can’t answer that.’
‘You must have some idea. Please. I have a child. A little girl. She’s only a baby. I need to know how long I have left with her.’
Dr Miles shook her head. ‘It’s hard to say. There are lots of different things we can try. I’m sorry to say that your cancer is advanced though, Katia. We can certainly treat it, but at this stage a complete remission is unlikely.’
Kat felt the weight of the words settle into her gut. She’d suspected as much. Medical people didn’t fast track surgery unless they were dealing with something serious. But despite fearing the worst, a tiny part of her had hoped it was all a mistake, that the tumour was nothing but a big cyst that could be removed and then she and Ami could get on with their lives. ‘So it’s terminal. There’s no hope?’
‘I’ve been doing this job long enough to know that there is always hope. We’re not gods here. I can’t predict what will happen to you. I’ve seen patients who I thought wouldn’t see out the month go on to live years, and others who were stable with a good prognosis suddenly go downhill. My advice is to take it one day at a time. I know that’s a cliché, but honestly it’s the best approach to dealing with an illness like this. Continue to live your life while you can. Decide on the treatments that will best help you do that. And never give up hope.’ Dr Miles smiled and patted her hand. ‘Spend some time with the people you love.’ She drew back the curtain and made her exit, leaving Kat exposed to the world.
★
‘Hey, watch where you’re going, why don’t you?’
Jewels looked up to see her shopping trolley was blocking the path of a cantankerous old-age pensioner. ‘Sorry,’ she said, moving the trolley to the left of the aisle.
‘Pfft,’ the old man said. ‘You just about ran over me. You young people need to get your heads out of your phones and concentrate on what you’re supposed to be doing.’ He wheeled his trolley away before Jewels had the chance to say anything, let alone tell him she was consulting the shopping list on her phone and that she was here being a good sister, shopping for a family who had a newborn baby.
But if the truth was known, it wasn’t the shopping list that was distracting her. She’d been buzzing up and down the aisles minding her own business when the song being piped through the supermarket sound system stopped her in her tracks. The song, ‘Best Friend’, always took her back to her youth and to Josie in particular. They’d spent hours in front of the music video trying to perfect Brandy’s dance moves and singing the syrupy words to each other. That was before Josie got sick. Before Jewels had let her down. Now it was happening all over again.
Kat was sick and once again she didn’t know what to do.
She wasn’t an idiot. Ovarian cancer was deadly, she knew that. Matt’s cousin Grace had been diagnosed five years ago. She was thirty-three at the time and her youngest child was less than a year old. Her cancer was stage two, and no one thought she would die. She had a gorgeous husband and three beautiful daughters to live for. But four years later, she and Matt had stood wet eyed watching those little girls throwing roses onto their mother’s coffin.
This week she just couldn’t afford to get bogged down in the ‘what ifs’ with Kat. She would be fine. Kat was different to Grace, who’d always been a bit fragile or sickly now that she came to think of it. Kat was strong. She was healthy and she was a fighter. She’d been in a war and survived that, for god’s sake; as if she was going to let some stupid little tumour take her life. And she had Mezz beside her the whole way. Mezz would know all the questions to ask. And she knew people, other doctors. She’d be able to get Kat in to see all the right specialists. Kat would have the very best of care, unlike Grace, who’d wasted her time on stupid quackery instead of getting proper treatment in the beginning. Kat was not Grace.
And she was not Josie either.
This was totally different. People survived this sort of thing all the time. In fact, Jewels was confident that if she picked up one of the trashy magazines at the checkout she’d find a story of someone who’d beaten the odds. Kat was a survivor. There was no need for any of them to panic just yet.
She took a deep breath and nodded slightly to herself. Kat would be fine, and in any case, there was nothing she could do that Mezz and Ellie hadn’t already covered. Lily needed her right now, and Sofia too of course. She’d send flowers and a lovely card, and tell Kat she’d catch up with her soon.
With that decision sorted Jewels threw a box of breakfast cereal into her cart and wheeled the trolley into the next aisle.
★
Three days later Mezz stood at the end of Kat’s bed trying her best to keep her face impassive as the oncologist explained the type, grade and stage of Kat’s cancer. Kat’s eyes were wide and glassy, her lips set in a thin line. The oncologist’s voice was soft and kind, but there was no putting a good spin on this news. The cancer was advanced and aggressive, and by the sounds of it the oncologist thought it was fatal. No amount of ‘doctor speak’ could hide that. Obviously Kat understood the implications of what he was saying. He patted Kat’s hand and placed a sheaf of papers on the bed, telling her to read the material and discuss it with her loved ones before making any decisions about further treatment.
Mezz’s pulse began to thud in her temple. Why wasn’t this so-called specialist impressing upon Kat the urgency of starting chemo right away? Why wasn’t he offering her a place in a clinical trial?
‘Make a note of any questions you have. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow.’
Mezz followed Dr Prasad into the corridor. ‘Hang on a minute,’ she said. ‘Is that it? What about clinical trials?’
‘At this point, Katia doesn’t fit the criteria for any of the trials I’m aware of. Of course new trials do come up all the time.’
‘There must be something? Have you even bothered to investigate?’
‘Dr Grant, I’m sure you’re aware that your friend’s situation is very grave. I understand this is hard to accept, but sometimes the best care we can give to people is to help them make the most of the time they have left.’
Oh god, they weren’t even going to try. They were treating her as palliative already. ‘You’re saying she won’t even be considered for clinical trials?’ Mezz’s heart pounded against her chest wall. She couldn’t let this happen.
Dr Prasad shook his head. ‘I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is go, be with your friend. Answer her questions gently and listen to her. Let her lead the way. I’ll be back to see her tomorrow.’
As she watched the oncologist walk away, Mezz steeled herself to go back into the room. Ellie was at the hotel with Ami, and she’d promised to phone with an update as soon as she knew anything but, really, what could she say? The doctors had given Kat virtually no hope. They weren’t looking to cure her cancer, simply to buy her some time and make her comfortable. How could she deliver that news to Ellie over the phone? Besides, Kat was by herself now. No matter how hard it was Mezz had to go back in there, put a smile on her face and somehow be a comfort to her friend.
Kat patted the bed beside her as Mezz walked back into the room. ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘You look beat.’
‘Me? No, I’m fine,’ she lied. ‘I probably just need a coffee. But what about you? How are you doing? Do you want talk about what Dr Prasad just said?’
Kat shrugged. ‘I don’t know that there’s that much to talk about, Mezz. I get it. I’m dying.’
‘No, no, honey. That’s not true.’ Mezz picked up the handouts the oncologist had left on the bed. ‘This is all literature about different treatments. There are lots and lots of things they can try. You just have to hang in there, Kat. Everyone’s different. Just because things are serious, it doesn’t mean they’re over.’ She grinned almost crazily. ‘Trust me. I’m a doctor.’
What the hell was wrong with her? She was being unprofessional in the extreme. She was supposed to be helping Kat sort through the medical jargon, not giving her false hope. But how could she just sit here and coldly tell one of her best friends that there was no hope, that her life was over? And besides, there were miracles. People who survived against the odds and no one knew why. A clinical trial might just be the answer. She’d go over Prasad’s head if she had to. Gina Pelosi was the head of the department and Mezz wasn’t above asking her for another favour.
Kat gave a half-hearted laugh. ‘I do trust you, Mezz, but I don’t think you’re allowing yourself to accept the truth. If you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t be talking to me about cures, now would you?’
A lump formed in Mezz’s throat. ‘But I do know you.’ To her horror her eyes began to water. ‘I know how strong you are, and what you’ve already been through in your life. This is just another obstacle, Kat. But this time you have an advantage. You’re not in this on your own. You have me. And Ellie and Jewels too. We’re here for you. We’ll take care of you and Ami. All you have to do is work on getting better.’
Kat reached out and placed her hand on Mezz’s. ‘Mezz, I really appreciate you being here for me. It means the world to me. You honestly don’t know how much. But right now I need some time on my own. I need to read this stuff by myself. To think about the information I’ve been given on my own. Why don’t you go back to the hotel? Spend some time with Ellie and Ami. Maybe the three of you could do something fun together.’
‘Of course, if that’s what you want. But are you sure you want to be alone?’
Kat nodded. ‘I have some things to think about. And some calls I need to make.’
Mezz gave her a tentative nod. ‘Okay. Ellie and I will be back later with Ami.’ She leaned in and kissed Kat’s cheek. ‘Promise you’ll call me if there’s anything you need.’
‘I promise.’
★
Kat diligently read through all the information sheets she’d been given and thought about Dr Prasad’s earlier words. After talking to the surgeon and the oncologist it was now clear to her that her condition was considered terminal. What she didn’t know was how long she had to live.
The thought of chemo was not appealing. Not when it didn’t offer even the hope of a cure as a reward. But Ami was still so little; if she gave up and died soon, her precious daughter wouldn’t even remember her. Then again, if she had the treatment, who would look after her? Who would care for Ami if she wasn’t able to? Her heart clenched. Who the hell was going to look after Ami full stop?
The thought of giving up her daughter made her sick to her stomach, but it was a fact that needed to be faced. And like it or not, Ami had a dad on the other side of the country who loved her and who was capable of caring for her. Nikki probably hadn’t bargained on a toddler being part of the deal when she hooked up with Josh, but it would be bad luck because in the absence of other family, there was no one else. Kat’s stomach churned. How would that woman treat her baby? Would she grow to love her? Adopt her as her own? As much as it hurt to imagine Ami calling another woman ‘Mum’, it was better than the alternative – Ami being unwanted and unloved by her new stepmother.
Razor sharp pain stabbed Kat’s chest and she placed both hands over her heart in an attempt to ease it. How, how, how could this be happening? It was so unfair. Soon she’d be gone and she’d feel no pain, but her precious baby would be forever broken. All her hopes and dreams for Ami were falling apart. Everything she’d tried to protect her little girl from was about to come crashing into Ami’s life. Ami was going to be left in exactly the same position Kat was in as a child. The loss of a parent would leave her at the mercy of a step-parent, which might or might not work out. In Kat’s case it had gone spectacularly wrong.
If Nikki wasn’t thrilled about unexpected motherhood, Ami’s life would be miserable, just like Kat’s was once her mother remarried. And there was nothing Kat could do to protect her.
Her only hope was Josh. He hadn’t been a stellar father these past four months, but he loved Ami, at least he once had. He mightn’t call anymore, but maybe that had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want to speak to Kat. Ami was still too little to have a proper conversation on the phone, so perhaps that was the reason for his lack of communication. He’d continued to deposit money into her account each month, so clearly he took his responsibilities towards his daughter seriously. Perhaps if he had sole custody of Ami, unfettered by the failure of their relationship, he’d be free to be the dad she’d always hoped he would be. Because if Kat’s experience of living with a step-parent was repeated, Ami was going to need a dad who loved her and who was prepared to stand up for her.
When Ami was born Kat had made herself a promise that Ami would always come first. She would be the type of mother who would do everything in her power to protect her child and save her from grief. She would make sure Ami had the things that counted – food, shelter and, most importantly, love. She would never abandon her child.
Somehow it had never occurred to her that the choice to leave might be taken out of her hands.
Kat picked up her mobile, refusing to give in to the tears that were beginning to well. She wasn’t dead yet. Right now she was still Ami’s mum and she needed to spend the time she had left making sure her baby girl would be looked after once she was gone.