Chapter Eighteen

Now…

Trent did what?

Sitting on her living room sofa late that evening, her swollen feet propped up on several pillows, Whitney stared at the email from Rejuvenation with the paid invoice attached. Her mother’s housing and new nursing requirement costs had been paid in full for the year. She blinked, not trusting her eyes.

That’s one keeper of a fiancé you have there, was Marla’s message.

Whitney’s conflicted heart made her chest tighten until it was hard to breathe. Such an amazingly thoughtful gesture…but something she couldn’t allow him to do. And he knew that—that’s why he’d done it without talking to her first.

The funds must have come from the money he’d been saving to buy the new location along the coast. He’d backed out of the real estate contract.

It was time. This made it painfully obvious that Whitney had to tell him the truth right away.

Hiding her deteriorating health was getting harder, and she didn’t want to keep lying by omission. As soon as he got home from football practice, it had to happen. She couldn’t be with him knowing there was such a big possibility that she’d never be able to give him the family he wanted, the one he deserved. She’d been keeping things from him for too long, and even though it was going to break her heart, she had to let him go.

And find a way to repay him for the Rejuvenation costs.

Focusing on the other emails in her inbox was impossible, so she lay back against the sofa cushions and closed her eyes until she heard the sound of his Jeep pulling into the driveway. The headlight beams illuminated the living room through the window, and she sat up as she heard him unlock the front door.

“Whitney?”

Controlling her trembling body took all her strength, so she didn’t answer. Instead, she sat waiting on the edge of the sofa until he entered the living room. Her engagement ring caught her attention, and with trembling hands and unshed tears burning the back of her eyes, she reluctantly took it off. This would be the only way to show him she was serious. The only way he’d believe it was truly over.

“Hey…you feeling okay? I wasn’t expecting you home from the office yet or I would have come home earlier.” He set his football gear down, the duffel bag against the wall in the hallway, where it would stay until next week’s practice.

Another habit of his that drove her crazy. Something else she’d miss.

“I came home early.” In her hands she clutched her engagement ring, the edge of the diamond cutting into the flesh at her palm. Removing it had been one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do, fueled only by the fact that giving it back to him was the right thing.

“Are you sick?” he asked, running a hand through his hair, still wet from his shower at the sports facility.

Yes.

The word was on the tip of her tongue, but she shook her head. He wasn’t getting that version of the truth. One he could argue with, make her change her mind…or try anyway. “Trent, I need to tell you something.” Her voice wavered and she swallowed hard. She refused to cry, to give in to the tearing sensation in her chest. She had to be the strong one while she still had enough strength left.

Sitting next to her on the couch, the look of concern on his face was almost enough to break her, but she forced a neutral, unfeeling expression of her own. This was for the best. For both of them.

“Whit, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” He reached for her hand, but she kept hers in tight fists on her lap.

“I haven’t been honest with you.” She cleared her throat when the words came out a whisper.

“About what?”

Everything.

She opened her hand to reveal the engagement ring.

Trent’s expression clouded with a mix of confusion and hurt. “What are you saying, Whitney? You’re breaking off the engagement?”

More than that. The relationship. “I’m not able to be the person you need, Trent.”

“What I need is you.” He knelt on the floor near her knees and took her sweaty hands in his. “Look at me, Whitney, please.”

She couldn’t for fear of caving, so she shook her head. “This is for the best, Trent. I want my career, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for motherhood.” It wasn’t even an option for her unless there was some miraculous cure for her sickle cell anemia, and her bitterness at the injustice of it helped give her voice the hint of coldness she needed.

“Okay, so we wait awhile. See how you feel in a few years. Just because you’re not ready right now doesn’t mean you’ll never be. And calling off the engagement makes no sense. This is something we can work through together.”

She couldn’t. Not anymore. “This will never work, Trent.”

“You mean us—we will never work?” he said, reluctantly taking the ring.

She nodded, her eyes on her now empty hands. Looking at him was too hard. Breaking both of their hearts was torture, and the stress had her vision turning blocky again.

“No,” he said. “That’s not good enough.”

She forced a breath. “You don’t get a say in this.”

“The hell I don’t,” he said, standing and pacing the living room. “I’m not going to let you throw us away. I love you, and we will find a way to work through this.”

“I’m not the right woman for you.”

He took her hands and pulled her into his chest. “Don’t say that. You’re perfect for me. We are perfect together. Whitney, we will get through this. We can get through anything. Together.” He titled her chin upward, forcing her eyes to his.

Every part of her soul wanted to sink into his arms, into his words, into the faith that he had in them, but she couldn’t. “You deserve a life I can’t give you, and in time, you’ll only resent me for it.”

“That will never happen. I love you, Whitney.” He rested his forehead against hers, and she shut her eyes tight, unable to see the pain on his face when she delivered this final blow.

Her tongue was heavy in her mouth, and air refused to get to her lungs. She was drowning…and she wouldn’t bring him under with her. “I don’t want to marry you, Trent.”

His heart breaking reflected in his eyes, killing her. “That’s a lie.”

“It isn’t. I thought it was what I wanted, but it isn’t. I thought kids were what I wanted, but they aren’t, and you have been very clear that you want a family. One I can’t give you.” She removed her hands from his and turned away.

“Whitney, let’s just talk this through.” Tears glistening in his eyes destroyed the last of her willpower.

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not changing my mind on this. And while I’m grateful for your offer to pay for the nursing costs as Rejuvenation, I can’t accept that gift. I’ll find a way to repay you.”

“You’re upset because I forced you to accept my help.”

She took a breath and nodded. “It just further confirmed that I’m not ready for this relationship. Leaning on you, depending on you…is not who I am. I thought you knew that.” It was so messed up that ultimately it seemed as though she were punishing him for the most incredible, altruistic act, but she was simply trying to be fair. Even if she couldn’t explain it all right now.

His chest heaved as he stood there, staring at her. Confused, hurt, questioning… He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, then he looked at the engagement ring in his hand. “And there’s nothing I can say? Nothing I can do to change your mind?” He sounded like he’d move heaven and earth to have her reconsider, and it took all her remaining pride not to.

“I’m sorry, Trent,” she said.

And she really was. About so much.

He nodded slowly, then turned and left the living room. A second later, the front door slammed, and all she could see was him jumping in the Jeep and driving away, his taillights blinking out in the distance.

…

Then…

This day was even harder than she’d anticipated.

With shaky hands, Whitney folded her mother’s favorite cardigan and went to put it in the open suitcase on the bed.

Lydia stopped her. “Leave that one here for when I visit,” she said.

The lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she nodded, avoiding her mother’s eyes. She couldn’t meet them for fear the truth would be reflecting in hers. Her mother had to be frightened about this move to the senior facility and what that meant, but Lydia wasn’t allowing Whitney to see it.

There was no question who Whitney had inherited her strength from.

“Okay, good idea,” she said, hanging it back in the closet of the room her mother had been staying in that year since her first few episodes had made it dangerous for her to live on her own. A year after Whitney’s dad passed and her mother’s health was deteriorating quickly.

She hated that they were even contemplating moving her into a home for assisted living, but after her mother’s fear the week before when she hadn’t recognized Whitney or Trent or her surroundings in the new home, they’d been forced to make the difficult decision. It was the best thing for her.

They finished packing the clothes, and Lydia reached for her photos on top of the dresser. She placed them carefully inside and then zipped the suitcase. She took a second but then squared her shoulders and said, “I’m ready.”

Whitney wasn’t. She didn’t think she could possibly ever be ready.

But she, too, concealed the intense emotions raging through her as she picked up the suitcase. They met Trent in the driveway, where he was loading a box of Lydia’s personal items into the Jeep.

“There’re the beautiful ladies,” he said, but his voice broke slightly, and he quickly stopped talking.

Unlike Whitney and her mom, Trent’s emotions about this whole thing had been on full display since the week before, when they’d made the decision and toured the facility. He’d clutched both her hand and her mother’s as they’d sat in the exterior courtyard at Rejuvenation and discussed what came next. It made Whitney love him even more, knowing how much he cared about her mother.

They climbed into the Jeep and drove in silence along the coast.

Settling her mom into her new room was made much easier by the amazing staff, who were obviously very used to these situations and worked to give the family space but also offered the needed support for the transition.

Whitney and Trent stayed with her mother for hours until she insisted they leave. “Gotta go see if there are any hot old guys living here,” she said with a wink. “There’s nothing better than a first date, and given the circumstances, I suspect I’ll have a lot of them.”

Her mother’s humor was helping her get through this difficult time, and the three of them hugged for a long time before she pushed them out the room door. “Go live your life,” she whispered to Whitney. “I’m going to be just fine here.”

Trent was a sobbing mess as they signed the papers at the front desk.

But when he pulled out his credit card to leave on file for the monthly payments, Whitney frowned, stopping him. “No. This is my expense.”

“Our expense,” he said.

She shook her head. “No, Trent.”

“Whitney, we’re in this together.”

“I can’t accept help with this.”

“It’s not accepting help. I love you. We’re in a relationship. We’re engaged now and planning a future together. For good. For bad. I’m all in.”

But she stood firm. “Not in this.”

He looked annoyed but allowed her to set up the payments on her own credit card.

In the Jeep moments later, the air was thick and heavy, adding to the tense pressure of the sad day. “Look, I appreciate your wanting to help…”

“It’s stuff like this that makes me question your commitment to our relationship,” Trent said, staring straight ahead through the windshield as he started the vehicle.

The words felt like a slap. “You know I’m independent.”

“You’re also stubborn and proud. Those aren’t always virtues.”

Her mouth dropped. “Well, you’re sometimes overbearing and insistent on ‘your way or no way.’ Those aren’t always virtues, either.”

Hurtful words spouted, fueled by the emotionally exhausting day, and they drove in silence back home, both battling their own pain.

But entering the house, Trent turned to her, an apology in his expression. He didn’t need to say anything and she didn’t, either. He opened his arms, and she walked into them. He held her tight while she finally let the tears fall.

…

Now…

This time, he wasn’t there to hold her as she cried.

…

The springs of the tiny cot Trent had rolled into his office at the bar dug into his back as he lay staring up at the ceiling for long hours into the night. He was no stranger to nights like this. Countless nights couch surfing, sleeping on friends’ floors over the years in the city when he was competing, hadn’t made him dependent on comfort for a sense of security or happiness. So it wasn’t the fact that he was lying there on a too-small, uncomfortable cot that made it impossible to sleep. It wasn’t the eerie silence, either. And it wasn’t the thought of being alone.

Before Whitney, he’d never met anyone he’d fallen so hard for. He’d been okay with the prospect of being a bachelor. Then everything had changed for him. She was everything he’d never known he was searching for. She was the one person he’d needed more than air. The only person he didn’t know how to live without.

How could he move forward without her, knowing life would always suck just that much more? That real happiness had existed with her, in her. That he’d never again be filled with the love he’d had with her.

But she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He’d thought her pushing him away for the past year had been because of the stressful job and the pressure she was under. He’d believed she was putting off wedding plans and talks of forever because she’d been too busy to make space and time for it.

But that hadn’t been the case at all.

Whitney had simply stopped loving him. Stopped wanting all the things she’d once told him she wanted. She’d been looking for a way out and a way to tell him she’d had a change of heart. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He didn’t want to believe it.

He knew they were struggling lately, but there were still moments throughout the past year when their connection was just as strong—maybe even stronger—than it always was. Remembering those brief glimpses into the love they had for each other made it that much harder to accept this.

Accept the fact that as hard as he clung on as he’d felt her drifting away, he’d still somehow lost her.

Trent rolled to his side and stared through the open office door toward the bar. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. His successful business, a wonderful family, and the love of his life who’d made everything else matter that much more.

What would he do now, without her?