Maziar was the yin to my yang, the up to my down. He was my other half and I knew it deep down to the core of me. It had been a few months now and we still hadn’t made love. I could feel the need to attain that ultimate closeness with him boiling over inside me.
There was a law school event the following weekend. I’d woven an elaborate set of lies so I could spend three days with Maziar. That Saturday morning, I tried to contain my giddiness so as not to tip my parents off. I may have been a twenty-four-year-old in graduate school, but as far as my Iranian parents were concerned, I still needed to leave the door open when my boyfriend visited. It was definitely unacceptable to be heading over to his house to sleep in his bed all weekend.
As I drove over to his place, I couldn’t contain my excitement. It amazed me how I could still feel such outrageous butterflies just at the thought of seeing him. I had packed a sexy, lavender, lace bra and its matching bottoms to wear underneath my slinky black dress. I’d decided that tonight would be the night. I had no clue if he would reciprocate the offer, but I was too excited and nervous to worry about it. All I could think about was seeing him. It had been too long since I’d had my drug.
I pulled up to his apartment building and he came outside to greet me. He kissed me as he helped me with my bag. We ate lunch, and then spent the remainder of the afternoon lying on the couch watching television until it was time to get ready.
I was just putting the finishing touches on my outfit when he walked out dressed and ready to go. I had to remind myself to keep my mouth shut because my jaw wanted to hit the floor. This was the first time I’d seen him dressed up, and I was in awe of the specimen before me. To say he was handsome would not do him justice. He was wearing a fitted black Hugo Boss suit with a deep green shirt that pulled the green out of his eyes and a thin black tie. I had to pinch myself.
This was actually my life, and this man was really mine.
I was going to meet his law school friends for the first time and I was nervous. I wanted to make a good impression. We were the last to arrive, so he introduced me to everyone all at once. My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands felt clammy.
The girls were quick to initiate me into their club, though, and it wasn’t long before they were sharing all of Maziar’s law school bloopers. As the night moved on, I felt myself begin to relax. We spent the better part of the evening laughing hysterically; I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
The alcohol was plentiful. About halfway through the night, we witnessed a lover’s quarrel between his friend and her date. They were early on in their relationship as well, and apparently she found it unacceptable that he stared at every beautiful woman who walked by. I barely knew her, but we spent the remainder of the evening consoling her. As I watched Maziar offer a tender side of himself to his wounded friend, the love swelled inside me. A few hours later, we dropped her off at home and headed back to his place. I couldn’t wait to get him inside.
We didn’t make it through the door before I was pulling off his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. The path to his bedroom became a passionate tangle of clothing and limbs. When we finally made it to his room, the dance slowed and he gently laid me down on his bed. Little by little, he etched a path of kisses up my body until he made it to my lips. He brushed his lips softly against mine and pulled back to look down at me for a moment. He looked like he was drinking in the details of my face, committing every contour, every freckle, and every mark into his memory. For the first time he was wide open, and I could see straight into his soul.
“I love you,” he said, more to himself than me, as if he were surprised by the realization of his own feelings.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, a knot suddenly lodged in my throat.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I could see the concern etched on his face.
“I hate that you’ve said those words to another woman before.”
He paused for a moment, looking at me thoughtfully before he spoke. “But I’ve never meant them as much as I mean them now.”
I stared at him and could see the truth in his words. I knew with an infinite certainty, that from now on, I only wanted him to look at me with those eyes, to say those words only to me, and mean it. I leaned in, pulling his face to mine. I kissed his lips with a shuddering intensity, as if I’d been starving all my life for his touch. I wrapped my legs around his waist, closing the space between us. We moved with an unspoken rhythm, one our bodies seemed to know by heart. He’d take me to the brink, slow down, then build me up all over again. When we finally reached the peak, the earth shattered beneath us and we came crashing down onto the pillows together.
Later, as I was lying in his arms, I knew that this man had ruined me. I would never be able to get myself out of the tangle he’d created, and the truth was I never wanted to.