We were meeting at Firefly for dinner and drinks to celebrate our graduation and say our final goodbyes. Everyone was heading home the next day. It was a warm, comfortable night in June. I sat in front of Leyla’s house with the windows down, enjoying the breeze as I waited for her.
Dreams from the night before had played in my head all day, making me agitated and uneasy. In the name of nostalgia, I had taken Maziar’s necklace out of my jewelry box and slipped it into my purse. I rolled it between my fingers now, wondering why I’d brought it. The cool, familiar touch of the pendant felt comforting even though it shouldn’t. I turned it over and stared at our names engraved on the back. The sadness that had started from his card rushed through my chest. I held the heart for a few more moments as if it were a talisman, connecting me to a past I’d long forgotten. I quickly put it back in its hiding place when I saw Leyla coming.
My friends were waiting outside when we pulled up to park. From the street side, the bar was hidden behind a thick cover of vines. All that could be seen was the dark brown steel door of its entrance. It reminded me of a secret passageway.
Once inside, the first room resembled a library with a bar nestled in the far corner. There were book lined shelves and dim red lights that quietly set the room aglow. Beyond the library, the bar opened up into a large seating area with the open sky as its ceiling. There was a big cement fireplace placed in the center of the space and twinkle lights strung across the top, creating a cover of glitter overhead.
We immediately ordered a round of drinks when our table became available. We had one goal in mind for the evening, and that was to get intoxicated. Leyla was my designated driver, allowing me to party without any inhibitions. We drank, we laughed, and at some point Sandra began to cry. There was a DJ spinning music on the upper deck of the building, so we quickly shut her down by dragging her onto the dance floor.
I was covered in the warmth of two cosmos, the third following on their heels, perched clumsily in my hand as I spun around in circles. Without notice, the DJ changed the music and the familiar beats of hip-hop invaded the night.
I stopped spinning, suddenly aware of Ben’s eyes on me. He stood a few feet away, the intensity like icicles forming in his blue eyes. The crowd faded as he smiled at me. Before I knew it, Ben stood towering over me with hunger in his eyes.
Our bodies started moving to the music, fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. I could feel his chest up against mine. The warmth of his body radiated through his shirt, grabbing hold of me. I felt myself melt into the familiarity and comfort of him.
We moved against each other with a force that mimicked a lovers’ quarrel as the desire escalated between us. I had to resist the urge to steal him away to the bathroom, pushing him up against a stall door. We didn’t notice when the song ended, still staring into each other’s eyes, silently speaking with our bodies. Sandra placed her hand on my arm and broke us out of our trance.
“Get a room,” she said teasingly.
When I got to the table and sat down, I felt my purse vibrate up against the chair. I had missed five calls from Neda and two messages. I didn’t think much of it at first, thinking maybe she was drinking and had lost track of how many times she’d called.
11:40 Sara, call me as soon as you get this.
11:45 Sara, I keep trying to call you but you’re not picking up. You NEED to call me as soon as you get this. It’s an EMERGENCY!!!!
I felt more confused than nervous when I dialed her number. I had no idea that what she was about to say was going to change my life forever.
“Sara, oh, thank God you…me, you need…come to the…Maziar…accident!”
Her phone was breaking up and she was crying. I could barely make out what she was saying, but I heard the two most devastating words: Maziar and accident. I suddenly stood up, knocking over a few empty glasses. They crashed to the floor, interrupting the conversation at the table. Everyone turned to look at me. Leyla was beside me in seconds. Ben was moments behind her. I had one hand against my phone and the other on my left ear, trying to mute out the noises of the restaurant.
“What? What’s happened? Neda, I can’t hear you. Please slow down. Where are you?” I asked, desperately.
Then, the line disconnected. I moved the phone away from my ear and stared at it as if I couldn’t figure out what it was. The world was spinning, and my thoughts felt like they were drowning in a puddle of mud. What was happening?
“What is it?” Leyla asked, when I didn’t offer an explanation.
“It was Neda. She was crying. Her phone isn’t working,” I said, lost.
“Could you make out anything she said?” Leyla replied, trying to urge me forward.
“I think she said Maziar was in a bad accident. She told me to come to the hospital.”
Leyla paled, turning toward Ben, who was standing behind her. He thought she was looking for help, but she was just foreseeing the near future, the colossal mess that was about to unfold. I could see her putting the pieces together in her mind. He stepped in and grabbed my arm, helping me out of the chair.
“Let’s go outside. It’s quieter and maybe Neda is somewhere with better reception now,” he directed, guiding me along behind him. Leyla followed.
With shaky hands, I stood in front of the restaurant and dialed Neda’s number again. As I listened to the phone ring, I felt like my body was floating and I was frozen in time. I couldn’t feel a thing; I was totally numb. I could see the mix of emotion radiating off of Ben, both worry at the state I was in, and anger at my reaction to the news. I turned away from him, incapable of dealing with his feelings at the moment.
This time she picked up on the third ring.
“Sara!”
“Neda, what’s going on? What’s happened to Maziar?” I sent a silent prayer, hoping her phone would work long enough for her to explain. The uncertainty was more unbearable than the details themselves.
“Where are you? Can you get to the hospital?” she pleaded.
“Wait, what? Neda, slow down. Why do I need to come to the hospital? What’s happened?” I couldn’t keep my voice steady. My throat suddenly felt dry.
“Sara, he’s been in a really bad accident. He was driving home from a party and some drunk driver hit his car. He was almost crushed. I didn’t get to see him before they took him.”
“Took him where?” I screamed, terror taking over me. What had happened to Maziar? How bad was it? The questions kept swirling around in my head.
“Sara, he’s in surgery. The doctor said he’s really banged up and it doesn’t look good. I don’t know all the details. But you need to get here, fast. Can you come?” she pleaded.
I was crying now, and with a whisper I replied, “Yes.”
I hung up the phone and looked up. Leyla and Ben were staring at me, both with identical looks of horror across their faces. I just began to sob, the magnitude of what was happening hitting me all at once. Ben reached out and pulled me into his chest, his reluctance emanating off of him. I cried listlessly against him, unable to wrap my head around how my breakdown was making him feel. My face lay against his heart and I could feel the pulse beating wildly in his chest. I knew this wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Sara, what did she say? What’s happened to Maziar?” Leyla asked, as she gently rubbed my back.
“He’s been in an accident. It doesn’t sound good,” I said, my voice catching at the end. I pulled away from Ben and could feel him involuntarily take a step farther away from me, putting distance between us.
“Okay, so are we going to the hospital?” she asked, glancing behind me at Ben.
“I need to go,” I answered. I didn’t turn to see how my words affected him.
She paused for a moment, and even though I knew she felt the betrayal in my words, saw it flash across Ben’s face, she nodded.
“Let me go get our stuff.”
“No, wait. I’ll come with you. I have to say goodbye to everyone. I won’t see them again after this.” I hadn’t imagined my final farewell with my friends would be rushed and under such dire circumstances.
“Okay,” Leyla said, heading back toward the entrance.
When we approached the table, everyone looked up at us, worried. I explained what Neda had told me. Sandra’s hand flew to her mouth; Thomas shook his head in disbelief. I tried to stay calm, not wanting my last goodbye with them to be about someone else.
“I have to go to the hospital,” I said as if it were a fact and not a choice.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Sandra asked. Her eyes conveyed her concern, her silence cautioning me.
I knew that, if I went to the hospital, I’d be placing a divide between Ben and me that I wouldn’t be able to repair again. I tried to convince myself I shouldn’t go, that I should call Neda back and tell her to just keep me updated. But there was a need deep and primal building inside me, propelling me forward. The consequences of what I was doing couldn’t even form into an actual thought in my mind. I had to be with him; that was all I knew. There was nowhere else I could be.
“I don’t know, but I know I have to be there,” I replied, keeping my eyes focused on Sandra so I couldn’t see what my words were doing to Ben. She nodded, understanding that my mind had been made up.
“I’m going with you. His family will be there. You shouldn’t be alone,” Leyla said, leaving no room for debate.
I hadn’t even realized I’d have to face his family. They had been so far from my mind that I hadn’t recognized I’d be walking into the lion’s den. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to face their anger. I didn’t know if I would crumble or if I would meet them head-on. The only thing I did know was that, if Maziar had any way of knowing I was there, if on some subconscious level we were connected, then I needed to be there for him. I needed him to feel me so he would fight whatever it was he was facing.
“Want me to come, too?” Sandra asked.
“No, you have an early flight tomorrow. I know you, Sandra. You still haven’t packed.” I gave her a halfhearted smile as she returned it with one of her own. “Keep your phone on you. I’ll keep you posted.”
She threw her arms around me and we stood there holding each other tight, trying to hang onto what felt like a lifetime.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” she whispered in my ear.
“I don’t.”
“I love you,” she said.
“Me too.”
We cried, holding each other, not knowing when we would see each other again. I kissed her cheek and squeezed her one more time before letting go. Everyone was gathered around us. One by one I held onto each of them, trying desperately to cling to the life we’d created together for the past four years. We all cried, knowing that things would be quite different in the morning. We said a final goodbye, and then, Leyla and I made our way to the door. Ben followed.
She went to get my car, giving Ben and me time to talk.
“Sara, what are you doing?” His voice sounded tight, as he struggled to keep his frustration under control.
I looked at him, wondering how I was supposed to explain that being by Maziar’s side wasn’t a choice I was making. It was a necessity as definite as the air passing through my lungs and the blood rushing through my veins. I just had to go.
“I need to be there. I need to make sure he’s okay,” I said.
“What about us?”
“This isn’t about us, Ben. He’s been badly hurt and I don’t even know whether he’ll live or die. I just have to go. Please understand,” I pleaded.
Tears silently streamed down my face. I’d lost control. I could feel a sea of emotions circling us again, threatening to take us under. It was too much to endure in one night and I wasn’t sure I would see the light of day. He cleared his throat, desperately fighting against his anger.
“Okay. I’m coming with you,” he said.
I wanted to say no, to tell him the hospital would be hard enough without him. That I couldn’t face it knowing he was watching. I couldn’t tell him I had no idea what I was feeling and I was terrified of him seeing something happen that could break his heart. I didn’t want to deal with how hurt he would be. But I knew I couldn’t, so instead I just nodded and smiled, praying he couldn’t see the truth. And when he reached out and took my hand, I let him.
Leyla pulled up then. She sat in the car with it idling at the curb, patiently waiting, knowing that this wasn’t a moment that could be rushed. He glanced over at her, then turned his gaze back at me.
“Ready, doll?” he asked.
I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
He leaned in, gently kissing me, his lips barely touching mine like the fluttering wings of a butterfly. I looked up into those magnificent blue eyes and could feel the fear floating behind them. I wanted to tell him I was terrified too, but I didn’t. Instead, I turned and got into the car.