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DOCTOR KNOW-IT-ALL
ONE MONTH ON
LEVI
“WHY DON’T WE TALK ABOUT Brie?”
I give a humourless laugh. “Why don’t we not?”
“Levi, in the time I’ve been seeing you, we’ve talked about everything that’s transpired in your life, your mother, your addictions, the fact that you’ve been doing well in the month since leaving rehab, but your romantic relationships are the one thing you’ve skimmed over.”
“That’s not true, Doc.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Nope. I’ve told you all about how I like to fuck women. I told you about Ali and how that royally screwed me up.” Doc’s hot. Once upon a time I would have tried to fuck her, but not now. I have no desire to fuck any woman that doesn’t come with a French accent and an angry girl attitude.
Jesus. I need a fucking drink. Oh yeah, I can’t because . . . three months fucking sober.
“What are you thinking about right now?”
Not Brie. Not fucking her. Not the smooth slide of whisky down my throat.
Liar.
“What am I thinking about? I’m wondering if I could slit my wrists with your letter opener before we finish this session.”
Doc gives me a wry smile. She knows I’m talking out of my arse. I threaten shit like this all the time, it’s a “defence mechanism” using humour to mask my guilt, my shame. The truth is I have no desire to die. I fucked up. I hurt an arseload of people, some that took a while to forgive me, others who maybe never will. Which is why I have no fucking desire to bring up Brie with the good doc. “You’re using your suicide attempt to mask your pain. Are you thinking of harming yourself again, Levi?”
She always asks this too, because she has to, I suppose. “No. I’m not thinking of offing myself, Doc. Been there, done that, got the fucking scars to prove it.” I flex my hand, because while I don’t actually have any physical scars on the outside, I did lose a lot of the mobility in my right hand, and though I spend all day every day practicing long after Coop and Zed have gone home, my licks still aren’t where they should be. And if I can’t play, then I really do have nothing to live for.
“In our first session, you said something about a woman being unable to forgive you. Was that Brie you were referring to?”
“Jeez, Doc, anyone ever told you that you’ve got a one-track mind?”
“It’s my job to have a one-track mind, we only have an hour.”
“Tou-fucking-ché.” I blow out a noisy breath and lean back against the headrest. “Fine, what do you want to know?”
“What would you like me to know?”
“Jesus, do all shrinks answer questions with questions?”
“Yes, we’re taught to in order to mess with our clients.” She smiles again.
I grin and continue, because Doc knows how I like it when she stoops to my level. “I don’t know what to tell you about Brie, other than she’s the love of my life, and I don’t deserve her.”
“The love of your life? That’s quite the statement. But I’m curious, why do you feel you’re not deserving of her? Is she Mother Teresa? A saint? A goddess?”
“She’s everything. All of those things and more.”
“And you don’t deserve her because ...”
“Because I tried to kill myself.”
“You did, that’s true, but does that make you unworthy of forgiveness, or unworthy of redemption?”
“It just ... it makes me unworthy. Pick a thing, any thing. All of it makes me unworthy of her, but to answer your question, she pulled me from my bathtub, and left me in the hospital. I wasn’t even out of the ICU before she hopped a flight back to Paris.”
“So, she isn’t perfect. A mere mortal then? Perhaps one who makes mistakes and doesn’t believe she can atone for them.”
“Ah, Doc, I appreciate you tryin’.”
She cocks her head to the side, like all shrinks do. I wonder if that’s covered in the 101 of head shrinking. “What exactly do you think I’m trying to do, Levi?”
“You’re trying to get me to see that Brie is human, just like me.”
“And is it working?”
“Even if I could find her—she changed her number, by the way, did I tell you that?”
“No, you didn’t, but you were saying?”
I let out a huge fucking exasperated sigh. “What the hell would I say? Sorry I tried to kill myself. Sorry I treated you like shit and refused to talk to you. Sorry you had to pull my body from the tub?”
“It’s a start.”
I shake my head. “She deserves more, better.”
“And if she wants you?”
“Then where the hell is she?”
“I don’t know. I can’t speak for Brie, but I can tell you that it’s human to err. Perhaps Brie has made mistakes of her own that she doesn’t know how to apologise for. Or perhaps she’ll threaten to call the police, and have you arrested if you show up on her door, but the fact remains that if you never ask for her forgiveness, you’ll never know what her answer might be.”
“So what, I’m just supposed to drop everything and fly to Paris? Try to find her and say sorry?”
“I cannot tell you what to do, Levi. Only you can make those decisions. But if it were me?” Her lip twists in a smile, just the corner. This bitch is a master manipulator. Worse still, I’m paying her big bucks for this shit. “I’d have booked that flight already.”
“And if she rejects me?”
“Then at least you’ll have closure, and you can finally move on with your life.”
Right. As if that’s even remotely a possibility.
“Closure, huh?” I climb to my feet, because even though we still have a few minutes left, we’re done for today. I need to be done for today. “And if her rejection leads me to another bottle of Jack?”
“Then you’ll know how to tell Jack no with all of the exercises the clinic taught you.”
“Because it’s that easy?”
“No one said it would be easy, Levi. In fact, I remember telling you in our first session that the following few months would be some of the hardest of your life.”
“Yeah, and if I need those few months to be over?”
“Oh, they won’t ever be over.” This time she does smile, but it’s more challenge than pity, so I don’t cringe. “You will struggle with your addictions the remainder of your adult life, but you won’t beat yourself up over it forever. One day you’ll forgive yourself for all of the hurt you caused your loved ones, then perhaps you’ll be able to see that they’ve already forgiven you.”