There was a buzz in the air before our game the following afternoon. Some of it related to personnel BS I didn’t want to think about while I was on the field. Sky was at shortstop, Johnson was in center field, and Micah was on the bench. And he wasn’t happy. He went from being sullen and withdrawn to straight-up belligerent. He kept a watchful gaze on Sky that mirrored the one Coach Glenn cast between us in his office. Except Micah’s was more hostile than hopeful. The poor guy was eaten alive with jealousy.
Coach had just released a statement to the local press about Sky’s return. No doubt there would be quite a few reporters in the stands to report the “story.” On a slow sports news day at the beginning of April, a talented Division Three athlete’s unexpected return was something to talk about. I almost felt sorry for Sky. The intense scrutiny had to be distracting.
I pushed the excess noise aside and concentrated on my pregame warm-up as our fans filled the stands next to our dugout. I spotted my parents in my periphery when I threw the ball to Sky. My mom waved her arms above her head and yelled, “The dream team is back. Woohoo!” I chuckled at her antics as I caught the ball and shot a begrudging smile at Sky. I had no clue what motivated him or what was going through his head. It wasn’t my business anymore. He wasn’t my lover or even my friend. But if he was my teammate, I had to find a way to treat him with the same respect I gave the other seven guys on the field with us. I didn’t think we’d rekindle the chemistry Coach was hoping to see, but hey, maybe it would be enough to get to the championship.
I caught the ball and threw it to home plate when the umpire signaled it was time to begin. Then I punched my mitt and cleared some dirt off the first base bag before glancing to the stands one last time. And there he was…
Phoenix sat next to his sister and Sarah, two rows above my parents, wearing my Dodger cap. The sight of that blue cap in a sea of black and red made my heart race. My fears of exposure and isolation fell away. It felt like something inside me was telling me I’d be okay as long as I had him. And I knew to listen to my instincts.
My smile was automatic and wide. Maybe I should have been concerned about my worlds colliding, but at that moment, I wasn’t. If anything, I was anxious to show off for him. Kind of like the older, slightly more mature version of the kid who’d set the crickets free in the science lab after Jamie Poleski said it was cruel to keep them in a container. I wanted the person I thought about day and night to notice me, and maybe think I was worthy of him.
I had one of my best games ever. I hit two home runs, a single, and a double. I made a few wicked plays, including one where I jumped three feet to catch a ball before throwing it to Sky, who’d moved in to cover second. He tagged the runner out and launched the ball for home plate in what was probably the play of the day. Or at least one that made anyone who’d doubted him think twice.
We won five to nothing against a competitive team. And everyone there knew it was a big fucking deal. We high-fived, fist-bumped, chest-bumped, and smacked each other upside the head in the dugout. Then we grabbed our gear and met our friends and family for another round of celebration.
I flipped my cap backward and grinned like a fool when I saw Phoenix near the gate. My mom intercepted me before I got anywhere. She smothered me in an Esteé Lauder-scented embrace then reached for the guy behind me…Sky. She hugged him like he was her long lost fourth son while my dad ran through a couple of his favorite plays with me. I nodded absently as I tried to wade through major sensory overload and keep an eye out for the guy in the blue cap. My parents, Sky. And Javi, calling my name in the distance.
“…oh Sky honey, we’ve missed you. Come for dinner tomorrow. I always tell Max to bring his friends and…”
“…bottom of the seventh homer was a beauty, son. If you play like that every time…”
“Max! Are you coming?”
I glanced up just as Javi approached with Sarah, Sunny, and…Phoenix.
“Sorry to interrupt, Mr. and Mrs. M,” Javi said. “We’re gonna take off to Pizza Dome now. Minsky needs a ride. I can fit one more in my car, but…”
I tuned out the excess conversations and focused on my lover, returning his tentative smile with a wobbly one. Neither of us said a word. Phoenix looked overwhelmed, and honestly, I felt the same way. I was happy to see him, but I didn’t know how to greet him. Pretending we were acquaintances seemed wrong. I had to figure out how I’d introduce him to my folks. “Mom, Dad, this is my super good friend, Phoenix,” might work, I mused. But before I could open mouth, Sky moved into my space and set a proprietary hand on my arm. Like an old friend…or a lover.
The small touch might seem insignificant, but it was far from innocent. It was a classic power play. A way of inserting himself and staking a claim. My parents and friends wouldn’t know my ex was playing games, but Phoenix definitely would. And Sky knew it.
I was fucked.
I shook Sky off, but it was too late. Phoenix cast a funny look between us then met my eyes…and cracked. Just a little frown, like a subtle fissure no one other than maybe Sunny would notice. But I noticed. And I didn’t know how to fix it without breaking everything. Fuck.
The entire exchange lasted three seconds, but it packed a punch. In fact, it reverberated and took on a life of its own, spilling a river of unspoken truths and lies so deep I’d need a fucking rowboat to navigate around the mess I’d made. I should have known it would be something I didn’t say or do that would bring me down.
Suddenly, I couldn’t fucking breathe. The adrenaline high followed by a major crash was disorienting. I stood there like a coward and tried not to panic as my mom chatted with Sunny and Sarah, and my dad continued his play-by-play, while Phoenix and I stared at each other, equally lost and unsure.
After a painfully long minute, I inclined my head, wordlessly asking him to follow me a few feet away from the chaos. There was enough commotion around us that no one would pay attention. I hoped.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” I said in a desperate tone.
Phoenix let out a humorless half laugh. “Oh, I think it is.”
“No, I can explain. I—”
Before I could think of a way to reassure him everything was cool, Sky stepped forward and nudged my shoulder. “Good game, Max.”
“Thanks,” I said tersely.
He ignored my “get the fuck away” look and tipped his baseball cap at Phoenix. “Hey. I’m Sky. You must be Phoenix. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Phoenix frowned. “Oh?”
“One of the guys on the team mentioned you…well, he was talking about Max and your sister.” Sky turned to me and smirked. “But I know the score. You make a cute couple. Although I gotta say you’re not Max’s usual type.”
“Fuck off, Sky,” I hissed.
“Oh, come on. We both know it’s just a matter of time,” Sky taunted.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Stating the obvious. Not to worry…I’m back now, babe. And you know I love a good threesome.” Sky winked, then started to turn. He snapped his fingers as if he’d just remembered something important. “Oh! Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow night. Your mom invited me to dinner. Ciao.”
The urge to go after Sky was strong. And he knew it. It was how we worked. He’d say or do something to piss me off, and we’d go at each other like rabid animals, tearing at clothes and sucking on any available bit of exposed skin in a manic quest to inflict equal amounts of pleasure and pain. Once the balance was off, nothing worked. Pain always outmeasured pleasure. In his mind, the worst thing he could do would be to out me, but he’d have to expose himself too. He’d tried and failed. But he could mess with me. He knew how to push every button. He knew my family, my friends, my schedule.
But he didn’t know me.
I shot a meaningful glance at Phoenix, wordlessly asking him to hang in there. I waved good-bye to my parents and gave Javi a thumbs-up when he called out a reminder to meet up at the Pizza Dome.
“I’m off too,” Sunny said. “Nix?”
They had one of their intense twin mind-meld conversations. No words necessary. After twenty minutes…okay, two seconds, Phoenix nodded. “I’ll be right there.”
Neither of us moved immediately. Snippets from nearby conversations drifted in the air along with the near-constant rev of engines indicating a lot of people were exiting the parking lot at the same time.
“So that was Sky,” he said in a low, blank voice.
“Yeah. I don’t know what that was all about. He’s been fine all week. He acted totally normal at practice…humble even. And he had a good game, but—”
“He’s been here for a week?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Why didn’t you tell me your ex was back? Seems like a big detail to leave out, Max,” he said softly.
“I know, but you were auditioning, and I didn’t want to mess with your mojo…or mine and…” I stepped closer to him and sighed. “Look, I know it’s not ideal and I know Sky is a tool, but there’s nothing I can do about him. The season is almost over. One month, six weeks tops if we make the championships. And if we keep playing like today, we might. Having Sky back sucks on a personal level, but the team needs him.”
He went perfectly still, then nodded. “Got it. I shouldn’t have come today. I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean?”
My mouth filled with cotton or sawdust or a deadly combo of the two. I licked my parched lips and inched closer still before lifting his chin and meeting his eyes. He looked resolute and very unhappy.
“You know what I mean, Max. If I hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have known and that’s the way it was supposed to be. Life in the closet. He does that well, doesn’t he?”
“Who?” I asked, stalling for time while I tried to figure out which hole to patch first.
“Sky. Your boyfriend.”
“My ex,” I corrected sternly. “What are you—”
“He’s hot and it sounds like he wants you back,” Phoenix said evenly.
“I don’t want anything to do with him. This is baseball. Only baseball. He’s like…the guy in the play who you’d rather never see again, but no one else knows the role as well he does, so you have to put up with a bunch of bullshit you don’t want to because—”
“No. I don’t have to do this again. I’m not hiding, I’m not pretending. And I’m not playing any fucked-up games with your ex. I should have known this would be another version of the closeted-jock saga. I did this before, Max. I wanted something that was never going to be mine. It didn’t turn out well.”
“This isn’t like that.”
“Of course it is. And I have no right to be upset, and I think that pisses me off even more. I agreed to this. It was my idea. I said baseball comes first. I said we should keep quiet ’cause this was not a relationship. I said it was sex only.” He paused when his voice cracked. “It’s not true for me anymore. And I can’t pretend I’m okay sitting on the sideline.” He sucked in a gulp of air, then took the cap off and handed it to me. “Here.”
“I don’t want this.”
“It’s yours.”
“Not the cap. I don’t care about the fucking cap. I don’t want any of this.” I spread my arms to indicate something I couldn’t quite verbalize. “Sky is just…jealous. But him being back doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything,” he snapped.
“No, it doesn’t,” I insisted stubbornly.
“I’m out, Max. I can’t fight for my place in the closet. I don’t fit here. You know it as well I do.”
“No. Look, we don’t have to announce anything, but there’s no reason to hide that we’re friends. People can think we’re more than friends if they want, but—”
“I don’t want to be your friend.” Phoenix’s bottom lip trembled, and his nostrils flared. “Don’t you get it?”
“No, I don’t get it.”
“I love you.”
Oh. Wow. I gulped. “I…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” Phoenix swiped at the corner of his eye, then leaned in to kiss my cheek. “Take care, Max.”
I stared after him, holding a cap and a bag full of baseball gear that felt so heavy, I didn’t think I could move on my own. I dropped my bag and looked up at the sky. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call for help. My voice didn’t work anymore anyway. I was silenced.
I couldn’t feel anything at first. That might have been what made it possible to pick up my stuff and shuffle to my car. I threw everything in the trunk and glanced around the deserted parking lot before climbing behind the wheel. I sat still for a moment, unsure what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to be with my teammates or my family.
I wanted more than I could have.
Maybe that was when I slowly began to crack. I shook like a leaf. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. I white-knuckled the steering wheel and swallowed around a ball of emotion so thick, it threatened to choke the life out of me.
Fuck, I wished I were stronger, braver. I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t want to lie. All I wanted was Phoenix.
* * *
Somehow I made it home. I dodged calls from Javi, Minsky, and even Micah, wondering why the hell I hadn’t shown up for pizza. I sent a quick text to Javi telling him I was sick. I threw a couple of green-faced vomit emojis in so he wouldn’t be tempted to come by and check on me. I stared at my cell and tried to think of what to do. I hunkered down in the living room and lost myself in video games until four a.m. Then I pulled a throw blanket over my legs and fell asleep on the sofa. For four measly hours.
I woke up with a stiff back, a crick in my neck, and Christian and Rory staring down at me.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
“What are you guys doing here?” I countered as I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes.
“I needed to pick up some clothes,” Christian said.
“You look rough. I’ll make coffee,” Rory offered, rubbing Christian’s shoulder absently.
Christian nodded before addressing me in a worried tone. “What are you doing out here? Are you sick?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine. You look wrecked.”
“I’m fine,” I repeated.
Christian picked up the remote from the floor and turned off the television. I was sure he’d harp about me leaving it on all night and start asking probing questions about my video game binge session. I had to get to my room before he—
“How was your game?”
I shrugged. “Fine.”
“Did you win?”
“Yeah. It was…”
“If you say ‘fine’ again, I’m gonna kick your ass.” He scowled.
I gave him a weak smile. “It was a good game, but everything else kinda sucked.”
“What happened?”
“You can probably figure it out. Phoenix came to the game, Sky saw him, put it all together, made a few crappy remarks and…”
“He broke up with you because of Sky?” Christian asked, furrowing his brow.
“No, I don’t think that’s it. Not really. The deal just sort of fell apart.”
“What deal?”
“We weren’t a real couple, Chrissy. He wasn’t my boyfriend. We had a deal and we had rules and we didn’t stick to them and now…” I huffed in exasperation and raked my hand through my hair. “He’s gone.”
“Go get him back.”
“Thanks, Einstein, but it’s not that simple. I can’t just buy him flowers and say I’m sorry. I’d have to do something much bigger than that and even then, I’m not sure he’d want me. I have nothing to offer. I’m a fucking college baseball player with an expiration date. I have no identity off the field. None.”
“Ah, a pity party,” Rory said, handing me a cup of coffee.
“Fuck you,” I said without heat.
Christian leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “Max, I’ve been there and—”
“No, you haven’t. This is different. No one is going to out me. Sky isn’t going to say anything. He’s just going to make my life miserable for another year. He’s probably counting on me fucking this up with Phoenix, so we can get back together and everything will be like it was before his coming out meltdown. We’ll be a couple of jocks in the closet who play baseball and video games like old men waiting for time to pass.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Fuck, no. I want—” I closed my eyes briefly and rubbed my scruffy jaw. “I want a real life. I’m so fucking tired of living like this. It’s so…lonely. All these people think they know me, and they don’t know me. They don’t know anything about me.”
“You know yourself,” Rory said softly. “That’s what counts.”
“Yeah, but—”
“I’m not finished,” Rory intercepted. “You’re used to getting your way. You’re used to things being easy. Life isn’t always easy, Max. It’s challenging and sometimes it’s just disappointing. But it’s a million times harder when you’re trying to play to everyone else’s expectations. Be yourself. Be honest.”
“I’d have to come out,” I whispered. “Even if I did, it doesn’t mean he’ll want me. I could lose everything.”
“Or you could win.” Christian ruffled my hair, then stood. “Come on. We’ll make breakfast. Go take a shower. You smell funny.”
“I don’t smell.” I frowned and took an obligatory whiff before following Rory and him into the kitchen.
“Yeah, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
The silly exchange was a perfect way to reestablish some semblance of normalcy. I wasn’t sure what to do first or if I was mentally prepared to cope with the fallout. But I couldn’t play it safe anymore. I had to take a chance.
* * *
I parked behind my dad’s truck in the driveway and glanced up at the two-story Spanish-style house where I grew up. The iron accents on the stucco façade were a little dated, but the yard was pristine. My parents were very house-proud. They were first-generation Mexican Americans who embodied the American dream. They came from nothing and built a modest empire of their own. They were respected members of the community who adamantly believed in hard work, grit, honesty, and integrity. And family.
I said a quick prayer to a god I didn’t check in with often enough before bounding up the path. Our seven-year-old Lab, Milly, barked wildly when I unlocked the wood and wrought-iron front door. I called out my customary, “Hi, I’m home” greeting, pausing to pet Milly and scratch her ears before making my way to the great room. I found my mom and dad sitting at the breakfast nook table reading the newspaper.
“What a nice surprise. What are you doing here?” My mom grinned and held her arms open.
I bent to hug her before patting my dad’s shoulder and pointing at the box of donuts on the breakfast nook table with mock censure.
Dad chuckled. “Have a donut. One a week won’t hurt you.”
“How about some coffee, mijo?” Mom asked.
“No, thanks. I’m fine. Have you already been to church?” Stupid question. They were dressed in their Sunday best. But even if they’d changed their clothes, I knew the routine hadn’t varied since I was a kid. No one slept in on Sundays in the Maldonado house. We were up by seven thirty, in plenty of time to get to nine o’clock mass.
Mom gave me a parental look over the rim of her coffee cup. “Of course. Have you?”
“Um, no,” I admitted, stuffing my hands into my pockets.
Dad raised one bushy brow and motioned for me to sit. “What’s wrong?”
I pulled out the chair and perched on the edge. I caught myself before I said, “Nothing.” Something was obviously wrong.
Just say it. Two words. Not so hard.
I opened my mouth and closed it. Nothing came out.
“Max? What is it, honey?” Mom knit her brow and leaned forward. Her worry undid me. I tried again, but she beat me to it. “Did something happen?”
“Uh, no. Well, sort of.” My heart and my head pounded. And my hands started shaking. Milly moved to my side and pushed her nose against my thigh as if sensing my distress. I petted her distractedly and swallowed hard. “I have something to tell you.”
Mom set her hand over mine. “What is it?”
“Um…it’s just not um, easy to say. That’s all.” Fuck. I was sweating now, and I hadn’t said anything coherent. I glanced at the family photo of my brothers and me on the side table next to the sofa in the adjoining family room. I wondered if this was the last time I’d see this house, the collage of photos on the walls…my dog.
“Max, we love you. Nothing will change that, you know.”
“What do you mean?” I choked.
“Just what I said. You can tell us anything. We’re here for you,” she said softly.
“Yeah, but I don’t think you’ll like this.”
“Try us,” Dad urged, setting his paper aside.
“I’m…um.” I rubbed my nose and stared out the window. I fixated on the birdbath at the far end of the lawn for a moment before refocusing on my parents. “I’m different. Like…not in a bad way, but in a way that not everyone thinks is so great.”
“What isn’t so good about you? Did you murder someone? That’s not so good,” my dad said.
I rolled my eyes. “No.”
“Are you selling drugs?”
“No.”
“Are you doing drugs or—”
“No! I’m gay.”
Silence.
They looked at each other and then at me.
“Okay. Are you sure you don’t want coffee?”
“No, I don’t want coffee. Did you hear me?”
“Yes. We know,” my mom said matter-of-factly.
“You know? What do you mean, ‘you know’? How?” I frowned and cast a furtive look between them. “When?”
Dad smiled kindly. “Max, we weren’t born yesterday. We pay attention. We know our boys.”
“You mean you just…figured it out?”
Mom patted my hand. “Yes. We’re smart like that. We’ve been waiting for you to say something. We thought after Christian came out that you might too, but…you like to do things your own way.”
I couldn’t quite grasp that this was so…last year’s news to them. I’d been torturing myself for fucking ever and they knew all along?
“Wait. I don’t get this. Why didn’t you say something?”
“Our job isn’t to tell your story. Or to tell you how to think or what to feel. Our job is to support you. We don’t care who you love, Max. We only hope you find someone special who sees you for who you are,” Mom said.
“I did,” I whispered.
“Oh? Who is he?”
I bit my bottom lip. “Um…Phoenix. You met him last night.”
“The one wearing your Dodger cap?” Dad asked. When I nodded, he looked at my mother and nodded. “I thought so. That’s your lucky hat. I bought it for you after your team won State in high school. ’Member? You wouldn’t let just anyone wear it.”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“You must really care about him.”
“I do. He’s so…good, you know? Just a really good person.”
“If you like him, we’ll like him too.”
“Just like that?”
“Of course.” Mom reached out and held my chin. “Don’t you believe us?”
“Yeah, but I was sure this was going to be the worst thing I’ve ever done, and you don’t seem to care. I thought you’d be…disappointed. And honestly, I didn’t think I could take that.” I swiped at my nose and then dropped my head.
“Max, look at me. We’re not disappointed. We don’t care if you’re straight, gay, purple, red. We don’t even care if you play baseball. If you decide tomorrow you want to join the circus, we might ask a few questions, but we’re not going to love you any less. We want you to be happy. That’s all we want. Are you happy?”
“No, I’m not. I-I messed it up, and I haven’t told my team yet, and I think I have to and…I don’t know what’s gonna happen next,” I said in a small voice.
“No one knows what’s going to happen one day to the next, Max. There’s no point in wasting time worrying about ‘what ifs.’ It’s better to be honest.” Dad rubbed my shoulder. “Start with yourself. Good things will happen.”
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank us.”
“I do. ’Cause I don’t think I’ve ever told you how grateful I am. I love you and I want to…I want to make you proud. I thought baseball was the way to do it, but—”
“Live a good life, son. That’s all you have to do,” Dad said.
I nodded.
“Is something else bothering you?” my mother asked.
“Yeah. Um…I don’t want to go into any lengthy explanations, but, Sky isn’t really my friend. I’d rather not have him over for Sunday dinner.” I waited a beat, then added, “Ever.”
My parents shared a look. “Okay.”
Then my mother stood and pulled me into her arms. I towered over her, but she was the one holding me up. I felt small and weak. But I felt hopeful too.
* * *
The idea of “coming out” scared the hell out of me. I could stare down a pitcher with a hundred-mile-an-hour arm with bases loaded and down three runs in the bottom of the ninth any day of the week, but I couldn’t say “I’m gay” into a mirror without breaking into a sweat. I’d thought about how I’d do this once or twice. In my perfect world, it would be a quiet thing. No big deal. I’d tell a friend or two, and magically everyone would know and accept and boom…I’d be out.
It wasn’t going to be that simple. The only person I wanted to talk to was Phoenix, and I couldn’t go to him with a bunch of promises he’d heard a million times. I had to offer him something real. But I couldn’t do anything until I told my team.
Everyone was in a good mood at practice Monday afternoon. The consensus in the dugout was that our win over the weekend was a turning-point moment. With Sky back in the lineup, we had another power hitter and a talented infielder. More importantly, we had the one thing we’d been lacking all season…chemistry. It was bullshit if you asked me, but perception changed mindsets. And in sports, a positive outlook could be a game changer. The person who thinks he can and the person who thinks he can’t are both right. I read that in a fortune cookie once and it made sense.
But baseball players were a superstitious bunch, so it was also true that the guy who willfully rocked the boat when things were finally going well was a real asshole. I sat on the bench and listened to my teammates razz each other as I pulled off my gloves. I waited for a break in the conversation or something I could use as a lead-in. “Did you catch the Angels game last night?” “No, I didn’t. By the way, I’m gay.” Nah…that wasn’t gonna work. It might have to, though. If I was going to catch Phoenix before his Art in Cinema class, I had to move quickly. I was running out of time.
“…like Maldonado’s hit in the ninth. Dude, that was awesome.” When I didn’t respond, Micah chucked his glove at me. “Hey, what’s with you? You’re quiet today.”
“Leave him alone,” Javi said.
“Why? Oh. Got it. Girl problems.”
I zipped my bag and gave myself a one-word pep talk. Now.
“What girl?” Sky asked. “Oh yeah! The girlfriend. Tell us all about her. Oh wait, did you break up with her?”
His snide tone was like nails on a chalkboard. I gave Sky a sharp look as I pulled the strap over my shoulder. But before I could say anything, Javi was in his face.
“Shut up, Jameson.”
“What are you, his fuckin’ keeper?” Sky growled.
“No asshole. I’m his fuckin’ friend,” Javi retorted. “You disappeared for a coupla months on us. You don’t know shit.”
“I know Max. And I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Sky snarked. “Or do you…buddy?”
“Oh, is Max gay? I kinda thought so,” Micah singsonged.
Javi hopped from the bench and moved between Sky and me. “What the hell is the matter with—”
“Stop!” I moved to the dugout entrance and glanced down the narrow passage at my teammates. Some looked pissed; others looked amused or confused or just ready to go home. It occurred to me in that flash of a second that they might never look at me the same way again. That was what I dreaded most. Having to prove myself and assure everyone that nothing about me had changed.
“He’s right. I’m gay.” I looked around the dugout and made eye contact with every single one of my teammates before zeroing in on Sky.
Silence.
The longer I stood there, the heavier it seemed. Maybe two words weren’t enough. I flipped my baseball cap backward and licked my lips before trying again.
“It’s true. I’m gay and I always have been.”
More silence. I willed someone to speak. I wasn’t sure I could say anything else.
“Is this real? Are you like, um…coming out?” Javi asked tentatively.
I bit my lip. “Yeah. I guess so. Look, I don’t want this to be awkward, but you should all know a coupla things. This is who I’ve always been. I just didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to come out. Ever. I didn’t think I had to. I didn’t think it was anyone’s business anyway. But now…it feels like something I need to do to move on and grow up. And I’m not ashamed. There’s no reason to hide, so why do it? I’m out.”
“Okay,” Minsky said, nodding as he cast a furtive glance around the dugout, like he was looking for backup. “That’s cool. Right, guys?”
“Yeah. I’m—surprised, but yeah. Of course, we’re cool,” Javi said, slapping my back.
I held eye contact with a few of my teammates. I sensed more confusion than acceptance, but real life didn’t fit together in easy pieces. This might take time. And I had something bigger to do. I inclined my head and waved. “All right. Thanks. See you guys tomorrow.”
I made it halfway to the parking lot when I noticed Sky sprinting after me. He pushed my arm and glared at me.
“You fucking asshole! What are you trying to do?”
“I think it was pretty obvious.”
“You outed me,” he hissed in a strained tone.
“No. I outed me. You come out when you’re ready. I’m not connected to your story anymore. I don’t want your guilt or your misery. I refuse to feel bad about who I am, Sky.” I bit my bottom lip and glanced toward the field before pulling my keys out. “I love baseball and I love my team. I don’t want to quit. In fact, I’m not going to. If they all get together and decide they can’t play with a homo, I’ll show them why they’re wrong. I’m never gonna give up. I’ll still crush the hell out of the ball and tag every runner who crosses first base. But there’s more to life than baseball.”
I stepped around him and hurried to my car. I shoved my bag into the trunk, climbed behind the wheel, and took a deep breath. I did it. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel good either. I still had a weight on my shoulders and a hollow feeling in my chest. There was only one cure, though. And honestly, it was the only thing I cared about now.
* * *
The Art in Cinema class met in the building next to Granding Theater, across from the math lab twice a week from six to nine p.m. The professor began every class with a short film. Phoenix told me it was crucial to be on time because there were always a few questions on the weekly quiz directly related to the film. I knew his schedule so well that I could tell anyone who asked me where he’d park and what path he’d take. And I knew he liked to be in his seat by five fifty-five…give or take a minute.
I was prepared. Sort of.
I paced in front of the short set of stairs leading to the building and checked my watch. Then I did another lap and checked again. Five fifty-seven. Geez. Where was he? Did I get the day wrong? I didn’t think so. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he knew I’d be here, and he didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe—
“Max?”
I whirled around and I swear, my breath hitched at the sight of him. It had only been two days, but it felt like twenty years. I missed him. I missed my friend. My heart pounded hard against my chest and reverberated in my ears. I swallowed hard and prayed I’d get this right.
“Hi. Um…you look good. I like your shirt.”
Phoenix glanced at his light-blue button-down shirt and gave me a funny look. “Thanks. What are you doing here?”
“Well…” I adjusted my baseball cap and stepped toward him. “I have something to tell you and it is important.”
He crossed his arms and eyed me warily before replying in a shaky voice. “Max, please don’t make this harder than it already is. I can’t—”
“I came out.”
That stopped him. “Oh. Are you all right?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I told my parents first and then my team. I think it’s gonna be a process, but it’ll be okay.”
“That’s good.”
“It is. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”
“What is it?”
I swallowed hard and then bit my bottom lip when my eyes got watery. And when I couldn’t stand the silence a second longer, I sucked in a deep breath and stepped up to the proverbial plate.
“I love you,” I blurted.
“Max…”
“I do. I’ve known it for a long time. I was just too scared to say it.” I inched closer and touched his chin. “I’m not afraid anymore.”
“That’s good. But Max, I’m…me. I’m not going to change. I’m never going to know much about sports. And I’m not sure I’m okay coming in second place to baseball or—”
“No. Don’t you get it? You’re number one, baby. Just you. Nothing and no one comes before you for me. Not even baseball. Nothing matters without you.” I bit the inside of my cheek before continuing. “You should know that I think about you all the damn time. You should know how much I admire you. You should know I love you. And I always will.”
He swiped his hand over his eyes and smiled. “Always?”
“Always. You’re it for me. You’re my everything.” I pulled him against me and rained kisses over his face. “I have a new proposal for you.”
“What kind of proposal?”
“Not marriage. I mean…yes, someday. But in the meantime, I want new rules. We can start with three basic ones.…I’m yours, you’re mine, and it’s not a secret. I want everyone to know how lucky I am. Deal?”
“Deal.” Phoenix crashed his mouth over mine and wound his arms around my neck. “I love you, Max.”
We held on to each other in the middle of campus on an ordinary Monday where anyone passing by could see. I hoped they did. If they talked about us at all, I hoped they noted the day and time too. Because this was the moment I became free. No reason to hide and nothing to fear. I’d taken my chances. I came out in the field and I was ready to begin again.