I’m not sure exactly how long I stayed on the bed with my body curled in a tight little ball. My wolf and I both heard his words and were still trying to process them. It should have been easy for us. We could touch his soul and immediately know the truth of his words. We felt his emotions and knew that our behavior had once again caused him pain.
I let the tears fall the moment Jeremy walked out the cabin. The more I cried and thought about Jeremy’s words to me the more I realized I was at fault yet again. I was ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I was nothing more than a bully. I pretended that I was strong always forcing others to accept and respect me, all the while forgetting how to respect myself and others. I placed all my value on physical strength and fighting capabilities.
Jeremy’s words reminded me of the truth. Being a leader and an alpha was more than just physical strength. It required intelligence, kindness, generosity and most importantly an inner strength to do what was right. My dad always did the right thing even if it had a negative effect on him. He always said being an alpha meant sacrificing for the good of the pack.
That is where both my wolf and I failed time and time again. I always put myself first. I tended to be very selfish and consumed with my own needs and wants. I know that I even trivialize others concerns. Maybe my father and my brother Nathan saw that even when I was younger. Maybe they were afraid that if I became physically stronger and a better warrior I would turn into the monster that my grandfather Madison was.
My grandfather was a real beast. He’d been so hungry for power and domination; Using and abusing everyone and anyone to get what I wanted. My grandfather was said to have been a phenomenal warrior but he went down in history as one of the worst alphas. He killed other alpha’s just to get their land and power. He rejected his true mate because she was an omega in the pack. He tortured his chosen mate and abused his strength and power with his pack members. He even killed his Luna, my dad’s mom. Then he tried to kill my dad. My grandfather was drunk on power. It was never enough. He always wanted more and more.
I was different than my siblings and never cared for the relationship my mom, dad and uncle Nik shared. So instead of looking for the things I liked about them I was always running and finding the things I disliked. So much so that after a while I just assumed my mate would have the worst of all their qualities and even worse I was afraid I would become my mom.
I loved my mom but she always looked to my dad or uncle Nik to make her decisions for her. She was physically strong but always deferred to the men in her life. I felt like my mom liked to please others and never asked for anything that she wanted for herself. She spent her life at a man’s beck and call. She could have been a great leader and made a difference in the world instead the only thing she really ever did was love my dad then after he died my uncle Nik. I wanted, no I needed more than that. I just couldn’t bear the thought that a man would define who I was.
I wanted to be a leader like my dad. He’d been a great Alpha and our pack thrived under his rule. My dad helped to change so many things for the better of all wolves. He was loving father and never punished us without cause. I have so many wonderful memories of my dad from when I was a child.
Our problems began when I got older and wanted to help run the pack. My dad however didn’t think females should be taxed with pack matters. He thought we belonged barefoot and pregnant at home. I know he loved and respected my mother but he hurt me. I wanted more than to sit home cooking and cleaning. I started to resent his treatment of me. Eventually I resented the treatment of all male wolves to female wolves. Females are much more than dolls and sex toys. We could have done so much more for the pack. I could have done so much more but he never let me.
My uncle Nik on the other hand believed in full equality of the sexes. He always encouraged me and my mother to do and try anything we wanted. He insisted that our vampire side made us capable of achieving anything our heart desired. He pointed to strong women like Ena and Ada. I however had a hard time respecting him and his strength. It was hard to believe a man that allowed himself to be used like a dirty rug.
My uncle Nikoli was great with my mom and always encouraged her to do what made her happy. But sometimes I couldn’t understand how he could stand on the sidelines and watch my mother share her life with my dad for so many years. She was his beloved yet he allowed another man to mate and breed with my mom. My Uncle Nik never argued and always took the crappy side of the stick. He was powerful yet unassuming, gentle and quick to aid others. He was a pushover and I felt sorry for him.
I never really wanted to find my significant other in a beast. I prayed that I wouldn’t be matched with another wolf. I knew a male wolf could never accept the warrior side of me. Honestly I had always hoped that I would be matched with a human so I could be the one who dominated our relationship. I would have the physical strength to keep us both safe and the added wisdom given my years of life. Turns out the longer I’ve lived the stupider I've become.
If I had just stopped assuming I would have realized Jeremy had the best qualities of those I loved and none of their disadvantages. He was clearly a good leader and expected me to be his equal partner in caring for our Bastet pride. He believed females could benefit the pride in many ways. He was also a great father and if we could have cubs or pups together he would want to be the primary caretaker leaving me to be an enforcer or whatever else my heart desired.
Jeremy was the kind of guy that would put my needs and wants in front of his own. But unlike my uncle Nik he refused to be a dirty rug. He would call me on my crap if my wants were selfish or unjustified. He would demand the respect and honor he also deserved. Jeremy was perfect for me. There was a reason we shared two halves of a soul.
I pulled myself together and got myself off the bed. I went to the bathroom and cleaned off my face. I briefly considered dressing then remembered that Bastet tend to wear minimal clothing. Jeremy had already seen all there was to me it was silly to dress just to join my mate. I would need to learn to overcome my modesty at some point. Now was as good as ever. Then I push my shoulders back and left the cabin with one thing in mind. It was time for me to grow up and put the past behind me. Jeremy was my future and the only thing standing between me and happiness as my own foolish self-importance.
I saw Jeremy lying with his eyes closed on the sandy beach in front of the lake he bathed me in earlier. I knew he not only heard but smelled my approach. I felt his soul reach out and brush up against mine. Jeremy was feeling confused and hopeful at the same time. Part of him was wishing that my presence was an indicator that I was ready to move on. He was right.
“I’m sorry Jeremy. I have been such a fool. I have sabotaged our relationship since the beginning. I was so afraid of being mated even before you came into my life. I was never like the rest of my family.” I paused looking for more words to say when he sat up and held his arms out to me and said
“Shut up Laura and come here. I know I said we needed words but right now I need you in my arms more than I need to hear your words.”
I rushed into Jeremy's arms and threw my own around him. Our lips met and my world exploded. The warmth and feel of my tiger mate set my body on fire. My soul tingled with life and my stomach felt like a million tiny little fireflies took flight. I felt his hands roaming over me and moaned in pleasure.
Jeremy's kisses were driving me insane. My body tingled and my brain was going numb with pleasure. I was incapable of thinking clearly. All I knew is I wanted him to… I needed him to... Oh god I just had to have him complete me. I heard my voice begging him. Then I felt him pull me in his arms as he lifted us off the ground and carried us back to the cabin.
Moments later I felt the soft silky sheets beneath my bare body. The silkiness of the sheets only served to increase my desire. I wanted my mate wrapped around me and completely inside. Jeremy bent down and licked at the mark he’d placed on my body earlier in the day and I felt my body buck in pleasure. The fire flies in my belly turned to lava. I felt the heat of both my desire and his melt its way from my stomach to my core. I screamed in pure bliss as my tiger mate entered me and joined us as one again.