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A young couple from the East End of Glasgow were getting married.
It was a lovely church wedding, followed by a reception at a city centre bar. Unfortunately for the couple, they both came from very rough backgrounds and there was a bit of an ongoing feud between their families.
Inevitably, after the drink started flowing at the reception, things became heated amongst both parties and a fight broke out. The resident stewards at the bar/diner tried to defuse the situation, but to no avail and as a result, they summoned the assistance of the local police.
The first cops to arrive at the scene, tried in vain to separate the bride’s brother and the best man, who were physically locked in combat, but found that the other guests on both sides were verbally encouraging them to continue with their fight. With no solution in sight, the cops called for more assistance, which resulted in the arrival of the support unit.
This is a ‘crew bus’ full of uniformed officers and cruelly referred to as, ‘Rent a Mob’, but more often as, ‘Rent a Riot’.
The city centre bar was engulfed by a sea of black uniforms, who quickly asserted their authority by force. However, they were unable to separate the two members of the wedding party still engaged in mortal combat.
Joe Logan, the big sergeant, stepped forward to use his physical strength to pull them apart, but had great difficulty as the bride’s mother pulled and jostled him from behind and shouted, ‘Leave my son alane ya big bastard! He’s done fuck all!’
The sergeant tried several times to fend her off, but some of the other guests became involved and could clearly be heard shouting, ‘Maw! Maw! Don’t get involved – they’ll gie ye the jail … Maw! Maw, please maw!’
At that, the mother committed the most despicable of all cardinal sins, by spitting in the sergeant’s face. This was a real grogger, or as we say, a ‘soft poached egg’, consisting of all forms of slime in a glue-like substance.
‘That’s it!’ cried Big Joe the sergeant. ‘Jail the maw!’
On hearing this command from the sergeant, two cops rushed forward and grabbed the bride’s mother, ushering her outside to the waiting police van. Not the dignified exit she had intended, as she ended upside down at the door with her knickers in the air, screaming blue murder.
The sergeant finally arrested the two men at the centre of the disturbance and conveyed them to the city centre police station to be charged and detained in custody.
However, he was shocked on his arrival when he saw a large number of people, waiting at the charge desk. It appeared that all the guests of the wedding party had been apprehended.
‘What are they all doing here?’ asked Joe, the sergeant.
‘We were ordered to arrest them all!’ replied a young cop.
‘Who gave the order to arrest them?’ enquired Joe.
‘You did!’ replied the young cop, with a puzzled look on his face.
‘What do you mean I gave the order?’ said Joe, now panicking.
To which the young cop replied, ‘You did sarge! You shouted out –“THAT’S IT, JAIL THEM AW!” ’
Joe quickly corrected him, ‘I gave the order to, “JAIL THE MAW!” ’
(‘MAW’ being a Glesca term of endearment for ‘Mother’)!