A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO LAVENDER OAKS SWORDFISH ON THE OCCASION OF PROM

MISS DEMEANOR

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Friday, April 25

It’s prom weekend, fishes, and you know what that means: Sex! Scandal! And . . . glitter?

Yes, glitter, as you’d expect from Lavender Oaks’s first-ever Mythical Creatures Promenade. I’m not sure what that even means, but everything’s better with sparkle, so let’s raise a glass to the planning committee for spreading a dash of pixie dust on an otherwise pedestrian tradition. Cheers!

For those of you who haven’t planned the ruination of your innocence at one of the many after-parties, may I suggest popping by the east field for the school-sponsored medieval joust and mutton roast? Principal Zeff assures me that while the lances are made of foam, the horses and meat (mutually exclusive, despite recent legislation) are the real deal.

Chain mail not your thing? Rumor has it the (e)lectronic Vanities Intervention League is hosting a postprom reenactment of the fake moon landing on the grassy knoll, but they don’t believe in Facebook; we can neither confirm nor deny reports. Still, if anyone spots any (e)VIL club members at the dance, snap a few pics. I’d love to see those girls rock an updo with their tinfoil hats.

Team Tinfoil Hat pics aside, don’t forget to upload and share your juiciest weekend shots here on the Miss Demeanor page, tagged #scandal to enter my Scandal of the Month contest. This is it, kids—the very last #scandal before graduation. Make it count! Winners will be immortalized with a blinking gold star and, of course, eternal humiliation. Can’t put a price on that!

Speaking of fame and glory, today we crossed the magic number: 2,000 fans! But it’s no time to rest on our überpopular laurels. Millions of Americans have yet to profess their loyalty. I’m saying! So do your part and tell a friend, tell an ex, tell a nana to hit that thumbs-up button!

On a serious note, a message from Students Against Substance Abuse: Driving dry is hella fly. The SASA president will personally monitor the punch bowl for suspicious activity, and the VP has the smoking lounge on lockdown in case you have any nontobacco smoking plans. With all that glitter and gossamer, something tells me you won’t need hallucinogenics to have a funky trip, anyway.

While you’re out bustin’ a move in your satin and sequins tomorrow, I’ll be home reclining in my zebra-print Snuggie, knuckles-deep in a box of Fiddle Faddle. Not very mythical, perhaps, but I’ve got a date with Danger’s Little Darling, and after last week’s killer episode, I can’t wait to see what Angelica Darling has in store. God, I love me some Jayla Heart. That saucy starlet’s the hottest thing to ever come out of Lav-Oaks. Don’t believe me? Check out her fan page, the Jayla Heartthrobs. 200K fans? There’s a girl who knows how to bust a move.

In closing, a Facebook message even Team Tinfoil Hat can’t protest: Have fun this weekend, fishies. Be safe. And don’t forget to smile for the spy satellites!

xo ~ Ciao! ~ xo

Miss Demeanor