When I first started giving workshops in couples therapy, I’d leave fifteen minutes at the end to discuss the treatment of infidelity. Gradually, as it became clear that virtually nothing had been written on how to help couples who were trying to recover from an affair, I decided to focus my talks and private practice on this topic, and to write this book.
At first, I got mixed reactions. Patients and therapists said, “Great. When can I get a copy?” Friends said, “How exciting. Let’s have a party.” Acquaintances said, “Thank God this has nothing to do with me.” Publishers and editors said, “Yes, there’s definitely a need for such a book, but will anyone be brave enough to pick it up and bring it to the cashier?” While I was looking for an editor, I found that more than one was afraid to touch it for fear that it would stir up problems in their relationships. “I have a good marriage,” one editor told me. “I’m afraid this material will infect us.” Fortunately, once HarperCollins bought the book, and my husband, Michael, agreed to help me write it, everyone seemed to stand behind it.
I never knew what it meant, or took, to write a book. Now I know. And now, every time I walk into a bookstore or library, I am in awe of the incredible expenditure of time and energy so many people make just to put their ideas into print.
I went into this project thinking I was an expert, but the more I interviewed and treated couples, the more I learned. As Anna says in The King and I, “By your pupils you are taught.” By listening to my patients and others who have endured a betrayal or who have had affairs themselves, I came to understand how individuals cope with and resolve—or fail to resolve—their infidelity crises. Their candor and self-scrutiny made it possible for me to recognize patterns in what people experience and what they need to heal.
There are many people I’d like to thank for helping me bring this book to completion, including those mentors and colleagues who trained me. When I was just out of graduate school, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, founder of cognitive therapy, let me sit by his side and observe him supervising students at the Center for Cognitive Therapy. He taught me when to intervene and when to remain silent, when to critique a belief and when to leave it alone. He provided a model of therapy and a career for me that has helped me become an effective therapist. I also was fortunate to be supervised by Dr. David D. Burns, who taught me with humor and ingenuity many strategies to help people change. I extend deep appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Young, who integrated cognitive therapy with other established models and significantly expanded its effectiveness in dealing with more intractable clinical problems. He combed through sections of this manuscript, offering detailed comments about how our childhood affects who we are today. My thanks to Dr. Richard Stuart, Dr. Neil Jacobson, Dr. Norman Epstein, Dr. Don Baucom, Dr. Chris Padesky, and Dr. David Bricker—all of whom have furthered my application of cognitive-behavioral principles to the treatment of distressed couples. I’m also indebted to Dr. Kathryn E. Hertlein and Dr. Kimberly Young for providing current references on cybersex affairs and addiction.
Claire Quigley at the Westport Public Library and Kristina Coop of the University of North Carolina provided much needed library and research assistance.
When everyone else was still debating the salability of this book, my agent, Chris Tomasino, stood by me and encouraged me. She also read every word of the manuscript and offered astute editorial suggestions. Her assistant, Jonathan Diamond, was always available to help me.
I thank Peternelle van Arsdale and Janet Goldstein, my editors at HarperCollins, for shepherding me through this process. My gratitude also to Clio Manuelian, my publicist, for her contagious enthusiasm; Kristen Auclair for managing countless editorial details; Guy Kettelhack for his help in preparing the proposal; and Scott Gould of RLR, my agent, for this second edition.
A special thanks to Gail Winston, my friend and editor for both editions. Thanks also to her assistant, Maya Ziv, and Diane Burrows for their invaluable support.
Also, I thank with all my heart:
My parents, Dolly and Louis Lieff, for years of sacrifice to give me a great education, and for encouraging me to develop my own separate voice.
My brother, Joel, for being a kind soul and always looking out for me.
My stepchildren, Declan and Evan, for their wisdom, and for all the good times we’ve shared together, away from the computer.
My children, Max and Aaron, who have brought laughter and meaning to my life. I’m so lucky to have lived these years with them by my side.
And my husband, Michael: Is there any activity more intimate than writing a book with someone? I respect (and envy) his perfectionistic eye and extraordinarily clear mind. I’ll miss those hours sitting elbow to elbow with him at the computer, fighting fiercely over a word or concept. I thank him for the ton of time he gave this manuscript, and for his wonderful good nature, which kept us going.