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Abandonment: effects of childhood experience of, 118, 119–21, 133–34; feeling of, 9–11
Abuse: childhood experience of, 119–21; expression of rage and possibility of, 187
Accidents; and effects on a relationship, 147
Addiction: and effects on a relationship, 149; online sexual, 280–82, 289
Adequacy, feelings of: childhood experience of, 125; hurt partner and, 118, 125–26; unfaithful partner and, 118, 125–26
Adultery: number of partners involved in, 1, 303–4n1; reactions of others to, 29–30, 31; transgenerational injuries from parental, 132–39. See also Affairs
Affair-person: saying goodbye to, 191; sexual fantasies about, 208, 242–45; use of term, 3
Affairs: advantages of revealing, 296–301; assumptions about, 46–47, 271; behavior constituting, 1–2; in cyberspace, 268–91, 309n2, 310n7; definition of, 269–70, 288; disadvantages of revealing, 293–96; discovery versus disclosure of, 309n2; effects of ongoing, 68; justification of, 46–47; learning from, 115–56; number of partners involved in, 1, 303–4n1; reactions of others to, 29–30, 31; reasons for having, 60–61; responses to. See Response of the hurt partner; Response of the unfaithful partner; stages of healing after, 4–5; suspicions about, 19–20, 69–70, 121, 211–14; use of terms in, 3
Affection; and deciding to recommit, 87, 107–9
Ahrons, Connie, 104
AIDS testing, 245–46
Albee, Edward, 60
Alcoholism: as compulsive behavior, 23; effects on a relationship of, 149
Allen, Woody, 275
Ambivalence: deciding whether to recommit or quit and, 107–9; paralysis in decision-making and, 55–56
Anger: cathartic expression of, 185; as a man’s response to the affair, 33, 35–36; trust-building techniques and, 171, 172–73, 176–77; of the unfaithful partner, 41, 44, 45. See also Rage
Antisocial personality disorder, 72
Anxiety: compulsive behavior as a response to, 23–25; as a response of the unfaithful partner, 41, 43–44
Assumptions: ability to change after the affair and, 87, 94–98; ability to speak up and not be silent and, 181–84; about cyberspace activities, 271–86; about forgiveness, 252–58; justifying the infidelity and, 46–47, 61; about listening, 198–99; sex after the affair and, 207–48; storming and, 185–87; about the working of relationships, 25–26
Attitudes: attitudes about relationships learned in childhood and, 118–19; cyberspace activities and, 290; masturbation and, 225–27; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 89–91
Barbach, Lonnie, 216
Beattie, Melanie, 42–43
Beck, Aaron T., 73
Behavioral component of change, 152, 153, 154
Beliefs: ability to change after the affair and, 87, 94–98; about marriage and divorce, 101–3; about the working of relationships, 25–26; justifying the infidelity and, 46–47, 61; loss of sense of specialness and, 13, 14–15; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 89–91
Bennett, Neil, 34–35
Biological model of romantic love, 76
Birth of a child; and effects on a relationship, 149
Blame, 2, 115–16, 184, 221
Bly, Robert, 177
Borden, Mary, 250
Borderline personality disorder, 72–73
Botwin, Carol, 62, 63
Brown, Emily, 301
Burns, David D., 161
Carder, Dave, 42
Carnes, Patrick, 282
Carnes, Stephanie, 282
Change: exercise in, 151–56; fear of, 248–51; overcoming resistance to, 171–77
Chemical changes in romantic love, 76, 84–85
Childhood of partners: approaches to conflict resolution based in, 241; communication skills influenced by, 187–91; critical growth experiences in, 118–30; cyberspace activities and, 276; damage from early life experiences in, 117–32; listening skills influenced by, 199–200; origins of ideas of love in, 83–84; repeating patterns from, as an adult, 136–37; transgenerational injuries from parental infidelities in, 132–39
Children of partners: adjustment to parents’ separation by, 104–5; feeling of loss of connection by hurt partner and, 29–30, 31; guilt of unfaithful partner over, 41, 50–51; staying together for, 87, 103–5; talking about the affair with, 50; women’s guilt over an affair and, 62
Chronology of critical life events, 149–51
Clergy; and loss of faith, 27–28
Clinton, Bill, 268
Cognitive approaches; and deciding whether to recommit or quit, 110
Cognitive blocks: to change, 171–77; to intimacy, 207
Cognitive changes in romantic love, 75–76
Cognitive component of change, 152, 153, 154–55
Commitment; and emotional connections with others, 123–24
Communication skills: ability to speak up and not be silent and, 180–84; being willing to use, 179–80; childhood experiences influencing, 118, 126, 187–91; dysfunctional ways of talking and, 180–87; hurt partner and, 118, 126–27; interpreting a message in, 199–200; intimate listening and, 194–205; intimate talk and, 180–94; learning techniques for, 179–80; overcoming resistance to change and, 171–77; requests concerning sexual preferences and, 231–35; saying goodbye to the affair-person and, 191; sex differences in, 201–2; storming and, 180, 184–87; suggestions for developing and using, 203–5; talking about the affair with children and, 50; talking about the affair with your partner and, 192–94; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 91–93; unfaithful partner and, 118, 126–27
Companion: feeling of inadequacy as a, 36–37; justifying an affair as seeking a, 60–61
Competitive feelings, 17
Compulsive behavior, 22–25, 43, 281. See also Addiction
Confessing the affair: advantages of, 296–301; deciding what’s best regarding, 301–2; disadvantages of, 293–96;effects on the relationship of, 294–96; motives for, 301–2; reasons for, 293; reasons for keeping the affair secret rather than, 292, 293; relief after, 41–42
Conflict: forgiveness and elimination of, 258, 259; pinpointing, 153; resolving, 154–56; sex differences in expressing, 201–2; triggering event in, 152–53
Connection to others: childhood experience of, 118, 122; cyberspace activities and, 286; hurt partner and, 118, 123–25; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 14, 29–32; unfaithful partner and, 118, 123–25
Control; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 13, 21–25
Couples therapy, 69, 304n4
Covenant of promises, 263–65
Critical growth experiences in childhood: effects of missing, 118–30; exercise on, 130–32
Critical life events: examples of, 146–49; sexual desire influence by, 239–40; tracing a timeline of, 111
Cross-Over Technique for listening, 195–96
Cyberspace activities: assumptions about, 271–86; face-to-face sexual encounters and, 310n7; neurobiological explanation about, 279, 280; sex, secrets and affairs in, 268–91, 309n2, 310n7; trust-building behaviors and, 286–91. See also Internet
Death; and effects on a relationship, 148
Deception; and trusting a partner, 91
Deciding whether to recommit or quit, 65–112; children’s adjustment to, 104–5; cognitive approach to, 110; common concerns after an affair and, 86–109; confronting doubts and fears and, 86–112; confronting expectations about love and marriage and, 77–79; exploring ideas about love and, 67–85; paralysis in the unfaithful partner and, 41, 54–56; as a stage of healing, 5; suggestions for getting started in, 109–12
Depression: concerns about the love of the unfaithful partner and, 106; forgiveness and, 260; loss of identity and, 14–15; loss of self-respect and, 17; loss of sense of purpose and, 32–33; narcissistic personality disorder and, 72; as a woman’s response to the affair, 33, 35–36, 305n21
Diament, Bert, 296
Dieting; as compulsive behavior, 23–24
Disarming Technique for listening, 196–97
Distraction; as a response to the affair, 37, 305n21
Divorce: children’s adjustment to, 104–5; economic consequences of, 34–35, 101–2; religion and beliefs about, 101, 102; staying together for the children instead of, 87, 103–5; threats of, 187, 204
Doubts, 86–109; ability to get back together again and, 87–88; about the love of the unfaithful partner for the hurt partner, 87, 105–6; affection between the partners after the affair and, 87, 107–9; changing after the affair and, 87, 94–98; common concerns after an affair and, 86–87; mistrust of a partner’s motives for returning and, 97–98; permanency of changes and, 87, 99; spending time together before the decision to recommit and, 107–8; staying together for the children and, 87, 103–5; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 89–94; validity of reasons for staying together and, 87, 101–3
Drinking: as compulsive behavior, 23; effects on a relationship of, 149
Drug addiction; and effects on a relationship, 149
Dyn, Barry, 79
Dysfunctional Thought Form, 213, 219, 221, 230, 241
Eating; as compulsive behavior, 23–24
Economic factors; and divorce, 34–35, 101–2
Efran, Jay S., 119
Emotional abuse; childhood experience of, 119–21
Emotional component of change, 152, 153, 155
Emotional intimacy; and sexual intimacy, 251
Emotions: attitudes about relationships learned in childhood and, 118; cathartic expression of, 185; deciding whether to recommit or quit and, 110; physiological impact of the affair and, 11–13; psychological impact of the affair and, 13–33; romantic love and changes in, 75. See also specific emotion
Empty-nest syndrome, 149
Endorphins, 76
Erikson, Erik, 265
Estés, Clarissa Pinkola, 67, 82, 258
Euripides, 37
Exercise; as compulsive behavior, 23–24
Exercises: challenging assumptions using a Dysfunctional Thought Form, 213–14, 219–21, 230, 240–41; covenant of promises, 263–65; on critical growth experiences in childhood, 130–32; on effects of parental infidelities, 137–39; on Flip-Flop Factor regarding personality traits, 139–46; on responsibility sharing, 151–56; sensate focus, 225; thought stopping in, 213; trust-building, 286. See also Suggestions
Expectations about love and marriage, 77–79
Extramarital affairs. See Affairs
Failure; and effects on a relationship, 149
Faith; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 14, 27–28
Faludi, Susan, 35
Families. See Childhood of partners; Children of partners
Fantasies: cyberspace activities and, 269, 271, 274, 275–77, 278–79, 280, 288, 289, 290; sexual, 242–45, 269, 271, 274, 275–77, 278–79, 280, 288, 289, 290
Fears: of loneliness, 101. See also Doubts
Feeling Good Together (Burns), 161
Feelings: attitudes about relationships learned in childhood and, 118; loss and. See Loss; normalizing. See Normalizing feelings; physiological impact of the affair and, 11–13; psychological impact of the affair and, 13–33; unfaithful partner and identification of, 40–41. See also specific feeling
Flanigan, Beverly, 256
Flip-Flop Factor regarding personality traits: description of, 139–45; exercise on, 145–46
For Each Other (Barbach), 216
Forgiveness, 252–67; assumptions about, 252–58; being a good person and, 258–60; conflict in the relationship after, 260; covenant of promises in, 263–65; definitions of, 253, 256; disappearance of negative feelings related to, 254–55; forgetting the injury and, 257–58; forgiving too easily in, 258–60; hope and renewal after, 265–67; impatience of unfaithful partner seeking, 42; listening and, 198, 199; restitution and, 256–57; of self, 58–59, 261–63
Forgiving the Unforgivable (Flanigan), 256
Franck, Dan, 13
Freud, Sigmund, 206
Friday, Nancy, 243
Friends: feeling of isolation and, 52–53; feeling of loss of connection and, 30, 31; reactions to adultery by, 30, 31
Fun: childhood experience of, 118, 127; hurt partner and letting go and, 118, 127, 128; unfaithful partner and letting go and, 118, 127, 128
Gender-specific patterns of response, 35–38. See also Sex differences
Getting the Love You Want (Hendrix), 161
Getting the Sex You Want (Nelson), 216
Glenn, Michael, 79
Goodrich, Thelma Jean, 239
Gottman, John, 81
Grief: forgiveness and, 260; for the loss of the lover, 48–49
Growth experiences in childhood: effects of missing, 118–30; exercise on, 130–32
Guilt, 306n14; absence of, in unfaithful partners, 41, 44–49; anger at a partner and, 44, 45; assumptions justifying the infidelity and, 46–47; children of partners and, 41, 50–51; euphoria over the affair and, 45–46; grieving the loss of the lover and, 48–49; self-disgust of unfaithful partner and, 41, 56–59; woman’s, over the affair, 62–63
Gunn, Thom, 250
Healing: communication and, 179–80; stages of, 4–5
Heiman, Julia, 243
Helplessness; sense of, 12
Hendrix, Harulle, 161
Herman, Judith Lewis, 254, 257
Heyn, Dalma, 63
Hibbs, B. Janet, 160
High-cost behaviors for building trust, 159, 166–71; examples of, 166–69; stalemate in agreeing on, 169–71; unfaithful partner’s responsibility for, 166–71
Hopelessness; feeling of, 41, 53–54
Horney, Karen, 259
How Can I Forgive You? (Spring), 253
Humphrey, Frederick, 296
Hurt partners: ability to get back together again and, 87–88; ability to speak up and not be silent and, 181–82, 183; absence of guilt of unfaithful partners and, 41, 44–49; affection after the affair between the unfaithful partner and, 87, 107–9; anger of, 33, 34, 35–36; common concerns after an affair and, 86–109; compulsive behavior of, 22–25; concerns about the love of the unfaithful partner for, 87, 105–6; covenant of promises and, 263–65; cyberspace relationships and, 271, 272–77, 286–89; depression of, 33, 35–36; distraction as a response to the affair by, 37; effects of parental infidelities on, 134–37; emotional connections with others and, 118, 123–25; feeling abandoned by, 9–11; feeling inadequate as a companion, 36–37; feeling inadequate as a lover, 36–37; forgiveness and negative feelings of, 254–55; functioning independently and, 118, 122–23; high-cost behaviors for building trust and, 166–71; impatience of unfaithful partners regarding response of, 42; inability to feel safe or secure and, 119–21; letting go and having fun and, 118, 127–28; low-cost behaviors for building trust and, 159–65; obsessive thoughts of, 21–22, 37–38; origins of ideas of love and, 83–85; paralysis of the unfaithful partner in decision-making and, 41, 54–56; physiological impact of the affair on, 11–13; psychological impact of the affair on, 13–33; requesting changes after the affair and, 87, 94–98; response to the affair by, 9–38; self-forgiveness of, 261, 262–63; sense of self and response of, 39–41; setting or accepting limits and, 118, 129–30; sex after the affair and assumptions of, 207, 208, 209–16; sex differences in ways of communicating and, 201–2; sex differences in ways of responding to the affair by, 33–38; spending time together before the decision to recommit and, 107–8; talking about the affair and, 192–93; trust-building behaviors and, 286–89; trying to preserve the relationship by, 33, 34–35; turning to sex as a response by, 33; types of loss experienced by, 13–30; use of term, 3; valuing yourself and, 118, 125–26
Husbands. See Hurt partners; Marriage; Men; Partners; Unfaithful partners
Identity: functioning independently and, 122; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 13–14
Illness; and effects on a relationship, 147
IMing, 270, 272
Impatience; as a response of the unfaithful partner, 41, 42–43
Inadequacy, feelings of: childhood experience of, 125; hurt partner and, 118, 125–26; as an impact of the affair, 36–37, 97, 98; unfaithful partner and, 118, 125–26
Independence: childhood experience of, 118, 122; hurt partner and, 118, 122–23; unfaithful partner and, 118, 122, 123
Infidelity: assigning blame for, 115–16; assumptions justifying, 46–47; definition of fidelity and, 268; healthy marriages and, 285–86; “new,” 268–91; number of partners involved in, 1, 303–4n1; reactions of others to, 29–31; reasons for having, 60–61; transgenerational injuries from parental, 132–39. See also Affairs
Internet: anonymity of, 273, 277–78, 280; reasons to use, 272, 273–74. See also Cyberspace activities
Intimacy: attitudes about relationships learned in childhood and, 118; cognitive errors blocking, 207; communication and, 205; definition of, 282–83; desire and, 283; emotional connections with others and, 118, 123–25; fear of, 248–51; online activities as means for strengthening, 282; sex after the affair and, 206–8, 219–21, 249–51; shame and, 246–48; speaking up for yourself and, 180–94; suggestions for building, 221–23; trust and, 177–78, 223
Isolation; feeling of, 41, 52–53
Jack, Dana Crowley, 20
Jacobson, Barbara, 80
Job changes; and effects on a relationship, 149
Johnson, Susan, 283
Jung, C. J., 266
Justice; loss of sense of, as an impact of the affair, 13, 25–26
Kardiner, Abram, 12
Kelly, Joan, 104–5
Kerner, Ian, 274
Kingsolver, Barbara, 299–300
Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex, The, 226
Kushner, Harold, 27
Learning from the affair, 115–56; assigning responsibility for the infidelity and, 115–16; childhood experiences and, 116, 117–32; damage from infidelities in your own family and, 132–39; facing your disfigured self and, 117–32; Flip-Flop Factor regarding personality traits and, 139–46; responsibility sharing and, 151–56; tracing a timeline of critical life events and, 146–51
Letting go and having fun: childhood experience of, 118, 127; hurt partner and, 118, 129–30; unfaithful partner and, 118, 127–28
Lewinsky, Monica, 268
Life events: examples of, 146–49; sexual desire influence by, 239–40; tracing a timeline of, 111
Limits: childhood experience of, 118, 129; hurt partner and, 129–30; unfaithful partner and, 129
Listening, 179, 180; assumptions regarding, 198–99; cathartic expression of emotions and, 185; childhood experiences influencing ways of, 199–200; Cross-Over Technique for, 195–96; Disarming Technique for, 196–97; interpreting a message in, 199–200; intimate, in communication and, 194–205; nonreactive, 111–12; sex differences in, 201–2; suggestions for using, 203–5
Loneliness; fear of, 101
LoPiccolo, Joseph, 243
LoPiccolo, Leslie, 243
Loss: of connection with others, 14, 29–32; of control over mind and body, 13, 21–23; cooling of romantic love and sense of, 81–82; of fundamental sense of order and justice, 13, 25–26; of identity, 13, 14–15; physiological impact of the affair and, 11–13; psychological impact of the affair and, 13–33; of religious faith, 14, 27–28; of self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting basic values, 13, 16–19; of self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged, 13, 19–20; of sense of purpose, 14, 32–33; of sense of specialness, 14–15; types of, 13–14
Loudis, Len, 298
Love, 67–85; confronting expectations about, 77–79; cyberspace activities and, 290–91; disenchantment and moving to mature, 79–82; justifying an affair and, 61; origins of ideas of, 82–85; romantic, 68, 74–76, 290–91; unrequited, 68–73
Lovemaking. See Sex
Lover: experience of sex with, 214–16; feeling of inadequacy as, 36–37; grieving the loss of, 48–49; justifying an affair as seeking a, 60–61; romantic love and, 75; use of term, 3
Lovinger, Robert, 257
Low-cost behaviors for enhancing trust, 159–65; examples of, 159–62; putting together a wish list for, 159–62; Trust-Building Chart for, 159, 175
Lying: relief after discovery of the affair and, 41–42; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 91
Male hooker cartoon, 60
Marriage: assumptions about working of, 25–26; confronting expectations about, 77–79; damage from early life experiences of partners and undermining of, 117–32; incidence of infidelity in, 1, 303–4n1; mistrust of a partner’s motives for returning to, 87, 99–101; mistrust of a partner’s motives for staying in, 87, 101–3; rebuilding. See Rebuilding a relationship; religion and beliefs about, 101, 102; secrecy about the affair and, 296–302; telling about the affair and effects on, 296–301; trying to preserve, 33, 34–35. See also Hurt partners; Unfaithful partners
Marriage Rules (Lerner), 203
Masturbation: attitudes about, 208, 225–27; cyberspace activities and, 269, 273, 274, 275, 277, 280, 286, 287, 288
Men: anger of, as a response to the affair, 33, 35–36; cyberspace activities and, 270; economic consequences of divorce for, 34–35, 101–2; enjoyment of an affair by, 62–63; feeling of inadequacy as lovers held by, 36–37; involvement in extramarital affairs by, 1, 303–4n1; love as justification for an affair and, 61; reasons for having affairs given by, 60–61; turning and running as a response of, 33, 34–35. See also Sex differences
Men in Love (Friday), 243
Mercer, Cheryl, 78–79
Money, John, 82–83
Monogamy: attitudes about, 89–91; cyberspace relationships and, 285
Mood swings, 10–11, 23
Motives for recommitment, 87, 99–101, 301–2
Mourning the loss of the lover, 48–49
Moving; and effects on a relationship, 148
Moving out; after the affair, 107
Murphy, Jeffrie, 259
My Secret Garden (Friday), 243
Narcissistic personality disorder, 72
Needs; and self-expression, 126–27
Negative attributes of partners; and Flip-Flop Factor, 139–46
Negative feelings: childhood experience of, 118; forgiveness and elimination of, 254–55
Nelson, Tammy, 274
Nin, Anais, 119
Nonreactive listening, 111–12
Normalizing feelings, 7–64; hurt partner’s response and, 9–38; as a stage of healing, 4–5; unfaithful partner’s response and, 39–64
Obsessive thoughts, 21–22, 37–38, 106, 275
Online Fidelity Contract, 286
Online partners: assumptions about cyberspace activities of, 271–72, 277–86; trust-building behaviors and, 289–91. See also Cyberspace activities
Open relationship, 67
Order; loss of sense of, as an impact of the affair, 13, 25–26
Orgasm; emphasis on, 235–37, 308n14
Parents (of partners): abandonment and abuse by, 119–21; attitudes about relationships learned from, 116, 117–39; communication skills influenced by, 187–88; damage from infidelities of, 132–39; feeling of isolation by unfaithful partner and, 52; feeling of loss of connection by hurt partner and, 29, 31; functioning independently and, 122; ideas about love and experience of, 70, 83–84; listening skills influenced by, 199–200
Partners: compulsive behavior in checking up on, 22–23; critical growth experiences in childhood and later choice of, 118–19; effects of ongoing affairs on, 68; Flip-Flop Factor regarding personality traits of, 139–46; illusion of romantic love and, 82; responsibility sharing exercise for, 151–56. See also Hurt partners; Unfaithful partners
Perel, Esther, 282–83
Person, Ethel Spector, 48, 74, 76
Personality disorders; and unrequited love, 72–73
Personality traits; and Flip-Flop Factor, 139–46
Physical abuse: childhood experience of, 119–21; expression of rage and possibility of, 187
Physiological impacts: of the affair, 11–13; of emotional confrontations, 201
Pittman, Frank, 299, 301
Pledge; in rebuilding a relationship, 111
Pornography; Internet and, 270, 274, 280, 281, 287, 288
Positive attributes of partners; and Flip-Flop Factor, 139–45
Positive feelings: childhood experience of, 118; forgiveness and, 236–37
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, 11, 304n1
Pregnancy; and effects on a relationship, 149
Private Lies (Pittman), 301
Psychological impact of the affair, 13–33. See also Loss
Purpose; loss of sense of, as an impact of the affair, 14, 32–33
Rabbi; and loss of faith, 27–28
Rage: betrayal and expression of, 37, 42; cathartic expression of, 185; listening and, 198; possibility of physical abuse and, 187. See also Anger
Rationalizations justifying the infidelity, 46–47
Reacting to the affair, 7–64; hurt partner’s response in, 9–38; as a stage of healing, 4–5; unfaithful partner’s response in, 39–64
Rebuilding a relationship, 113–267; making a pledge for, 111; nonreactive listening and, 111–12; as a stage of healing, 5; suggestions for getting started in, 109–12; time projection for, 111. See also Affairs: learning from; Communication skills; Forgiveness; Sex: after the affair; Trust
Reciprocity; and personality disorders, 72
Relationships: assumptions about working of, 25–26; compromise in, 285; confronting expectations about, 77–79; critical life events affecting, 146–49; cyberspace as threat to, 271, 272–75, 277–79; definition of affair and, 270; early life experiences of partners and undermining of, 117–32; effects of parental infidelities on adult, 132–39; emotional attunement in, 283–85; emotional connections with others and, 118, 123–25; feeling safe or secure and, 118, 119–21; Flip-Flop Factor regarding personality traits and, 139–46; functioning independently and, 118, 122–23; impact of cyberspace activities on, 268–91; mistrust of a partner’s motives for returning to, 87, 99–101; mistrust of a partner’s motives for staying in, 87, 101–3; online partnerships as means for strengthening, 282–86; rebuilding. See Rebuilding a relationship; rules of, 270; secrecy about the affair and, 296–302; telling about the affair and effects on, 296–301; trying to preserve, 33, 34–35
Relief; after discovery of the affair, 41–42
Religious faith: beliefs about marriage and divorce and, 101, 102; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 14, 27–28
Remarriage after divorce, 102, 305n13–14
Response of the hurt partner, 9–38; anger as, 33, 35–36; compulsive behavior and, 22–25; depression as, 33, 35–36; distracting oneself as, 37; example of, 10–11; feeling abandoned as, 9–11; feeling inadequate as a companion as, 36–37; feeling inadequate as a lover as, 36–37; impatience of unfaithful partners regarding, 42; obsessive thoughts as, 21–22, 37–38; physiological impact of the affair and, 11–13; psychological impact of the affair and, 13–33; sense of self and, 39–41; sex differences in, 33–38; trying to preserve the relationship as, 33, 34–35; turning to sex as, 33; types of loss experienced and, 13–33
Response of the unfaithful partner, 39–64; absence of guilt as, 41, 44–49; anger at your partner as, 41, 44, 45; assumptions justifying the infidelity and, 46–47, 61; chronic anxiety as, 41, 43–44; euphoria over the affair and, 45–46; feelings of isolation as, 41, 52–53; grieving the loss of the lover and, 48–49; guilt over the children as, 41, 50–51; hopelessness as, 41, 53–54; identification of feelings in, 40–41; impatience as, 41, 42–43; paralysis in decision-making and, 41, 54–56; reactions of men as, 62–63; reactions of women as, 62–63; relief after discovery as, 41–42; response to the affair by, 39–64; self-disgust as, 41, 56–59; sense of self and, 39–41; sex differences in, 59–64
Responsibility: assigning blame for the infidelity and, 115–16; beliefs about marriage and, 103; emotional connections with others and sharing of, 124; exercise in change and, 151–56; requesting changes after the affair and, 93, 98; trusting an unfaithful partner again and, 93
Restitution; and forgiveness, 256–57
Reviewing options. See Deciding whether to recommit or quit
Rogers, Annie, 181
Romantic love, 74–76; chemical changes in, 76, 84–85; cognitive changes in, 75–76; cyberspace activities and, 290–91; emotional changes in, 75; example of, 68; moving to mature love from, 79–82
Safety, feeling of: childhood experience of, 117–18, 119–21; hurt partner and, 121; unfaithful partner and, 119–21
Saint-Exupéry, Antoine de, 291
Savage, Dan, 285
Scarf, Maggie, 142
Secrecy about the affair, 292–302
Security, feeling of: childhood experience of, 117–18, 119–21; hurt partner and, 121; unfaithful partner and, 120
Self-control; and communication, 187
Self-denial; and unrequited love, 69–70
Self-discipline: childhood experience of, 129; hurt partner and, 129–30; unfaithful partner and, 129
Self-disgust; feeling of, 41, 56–59
Self-esteem: assumptions justifying the infidelity and, 46; childhood growth experiences and, 125; cyberspace activities and, 273, 289; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 15–16; unrequited love and, 68–73
Self-expression: childhood growth experiences and, 117–18, 126; hurt partner and, 127; unfaithful partner and, 126–27
Self-forgiveness: hurt partner and, 261; unfaithful partner and, 58, 261–63
Self-identity; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 13, 14–15
Self-respect: cyberspace activities and, 283; and forgiveness, 261
Self-respect, loss of, as an impact of the affair: for debasing yourself and forfeiting basic values by, 13, 16–19; for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged, 13, 19–20
Self, sense of: critical life events and, 147; cyberspace activities and, 285; functioning independently and, 118, 122–23; response to the affair and, 37
Sensate focus exercise, 225
Setting limits: childhood experience of, 118, 129; hurt partner and, 118, 129–30; unfaithful partner and, 118, 129
Sex: addiction to, 271, 280–82, 289; after the affair, 206–51; assumptions regarding, 207–21, 271–86; challenging assumptions using a Dysfunctional Thought Form and, 213, 219, 230, 241; communicating sexual preferences and, 208, 231–35; in cyberspace, 268–91, 309n7; definition of cyber, 270; desire or arousal problems and, 207, 209–14; ease and naturalness of, 208, 221–23; emphasis on orgasm in, 208, 235–37; fear of intimacy and fear of change and, 248–49; frequency of, and level of desire in, 208, 237–42; ideas of the unfaithful partner’s sex with the lover and, 207, 214–16; knowing what pleases your partner in, 208, 229–31; less satisfaction in, 208, 219–21; meaning of intimacy in, 206–7; misinterpreting your partner’s sexual response in, 207, 209–14; physical closeness after the affair and, 208, 221–25; romantic standards in, 208, 227–29; shame and, 208, 246–48; suspicions about cheating and, 207, 211–14; testing for AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases, 208, 245–46; touching and limits in, 208, 221–25; using fantasy or sex enhancers in, 208, 242–45, 269, 271, 274, 275–77, 278–79, 280, 288, 289, 290; worrying about letting your partner down and, 208, 216–19. See also Masturbation
Sex differences: expressing and listening to conflict and, 201–2; responses to the affair and, 33–38, 59–64; sense of self and, 37
Sexting; definition of, 270
Sexually transmitted diseases; testing for, 245–46
Shame; and sex after the affair, 246–48
Shopping; as compulsive behavior, 23
Silence; and speaking up, 180–84
Sleeping; and impact of the affair, 12
Slonimski, Antonin, 115
Smedes, Lewis, 258
Smoking; as compulsive behavior, 23
Sociopathic personality, 72
Specialness; loss of sense of, as an impact of the affair, 14–15
Stacey, Judith, 285
Status changes; and effects on a relationship, 148
Storming; and communication, 180, 184–87
Stresses; and critical life events, 148
Stuart, Richard B., 80
Substance abuse; and effects on a relationship, 149
Suggestions: attitudes about masturbation, 227; challenging assumptions using a Dysfunctional Thought Form, 212–14, 219–21, 230, 240–41; ease and naturalness of sex after the affair, 222–23; emphasis on orgasm, 235–37; frequency of sex and level of desire, 240–42; knowing what pleases your partner, 230–31; less satisfaction in sex after the affair, 217–19; misinterpreting your partner’s sexual response, 210–14; requests for changes in ways of making love, 233–35; romantic standards in sex, 228–29; shame in sex, 247–48; testing for AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases, 246; thought stopping, 213; touching and limits in sex, 225; using fantasy or sex enhancers, 245; worrying about letting your partner down, 216, 217–19
Suicidal feelings, 32
Suspicions about the affair: effects of childhood experience of abuse and abandonment and, 121; loss of self-respect and response to, 19–20; sex and, 211–14; unrequited love and recognition of, 69–70
Telling about the affair: advantages of, 296–301; deciding what’s best regarding, 301–2; disadvantages of, 293–96; effects on the relationship of, 296–301; motives for, 301–2; reasons for, 293; reasons for keeping the affair secret rather than, 292, 293; relief after, 41–42
10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire), 203
Terror; sense of, 13
Therapist; and feeling of loss of connection, 31
Thompson, Marjorie J., 255–56
Thought stopping, 213
Time project; for rebuilding a relationship, 111
Timeline of critical life events, 149–51
Triggering event in conflict, 152–53
Trust: breach of, in an affair, 1–2; changing behavior toward your partner and, 158–71; high cost behaviors for enhancing, 166–71; impact of cyberspace activities on, 283–85, 286–91; indicators for trusting an unfaithful partner again, 89–94; intimacy and, 177–78, 223; kinds of, 158; low-cost behaviors for enhancing, 159–65; overcoming resistance to change and, 171–77; physical closeness and, 223; restoring, 157–78, 286–91
Trust-Building Chart, 159, 161, 163, 175
Try to See It My Way (Hibbs), 160
Unfaithful partners: ability to speak up and not be silent and, 182, 183–84; absence of guilt in, 41, 44–49; anger at your partner felt by, 41, 44, 45; assumptions justifying the infidelity held by, 46–47, 61; chronic anxiety of, 41, 43–44; common concerns after an affair and, 86–109; concerns of the hurt partner about the love of, 87, 105–6; covenant of promises and, 263–65; critical life events and, 148; cyberspace activities and, 271; disenchantment and moving to mature love by, 79–82; doubts ability to get back together again and, 87–88; effects of parental infidelities on, 133–34; emotional connections with others and, 118, 123–25; euphoria over the affair felt by, 45–46; forgiveness and negative feelings about, 254–56; functioning independently and, 118, 122–23; grieving the loss of the lover by, 48–49; guilt over the children felt by, 41, 50–51; high-cost behaviors for building trust and, 166–71; hopelessness felt by, 41, 53–54; identification of feelings by, 40–41; impatience of, 41, 42–43; inability to feel safe or secure and, 119–21; indicators for trusting again, after the affair, 89–94; isolation felt by, 41, 52–53; letting go and having fun and, 118, 127–28; low-cost behaviors for building trust and, 159–65; origins of ideas of love and, 83–85; paralysis in decision-making by, 41, 54–56; reactions of men as, 62–63; reactions of women as, 62–63; relief after discovery felt by, 41–42; requesting changes after the affair and, 87, 94–98; response to the affair by, 39–64; saying goodbye to the lover by, 191; seeking soulmates or playmates by, 60–61; self-disgust felt by, 41, 56–59; self-forgiveness of, 58–59, 261–63; sense of self and response of, 39–41; setting or accepting limits and, 118, 129; sex after the affair and assumptions of, 208, 216–21; sex differences in ways of communicating and, 201–2; sex differences in ways of responding to the affair by, 59–64; talking about the affair with children by, 50; talking about the affair with your partner, 194; use of term, 3; valuing yourself and, 118, 125–26
Unrequited love, 68–73; examples of, 68, 69–70; personality disorders of partners and, 72–73; types of individuals who resist change and, 73
Valuing yourself: childhood experience of, 118, 125; hurt partner and, 118, 125–26; unfaithful partner and, 118, 125–26
Vaughan, Peggy, 309n2
Violence; and expression of rage, 187
Walsh, Anthony, 76
Weight gain or loss; and loss of self-respect, 17
Will to live; loss of, as an impact of the affair, 14, 32–33
Williams, Warwick, 223
Winterson, Jeanette, 75
Wives. See Hurt partners; Marriage; Partners; Unfaithful partners; Women
Women: anguishing over an affair by, 62–63; attempts to preserve the relationship by, 33, 34–35; cyberspace activities and, 270–71; depression of, as a response to the affair, 33, 35–36; economic consequences of divorce for, 34–35, 101–2; feeling of inadequacy as companions held by, 36–37; involvement in extramarital affairs by, 1, 303–4n1; love as justification for an affair and, 61; reasons for having affairs given by, 60–61. See also Sex differences
Woolf, Leonard, 237
Wright, Robert, 60
Yeats, William Butler, 157
Zuccarini, Dino, 283