Chapter Two

“What the hell were you thinking? I was worried sick,” said Richard with concern. “Wow, you are in the wrong profession. Why the sudden change? In the restaurant you couldn’t be nicer and also on our walk through the Old Port. I already told you happened and I don’t feel the need to repeat myself. Let’s just forget about it and go to bed.”

“No I can’t forget about it. You promised that if we came back to Montreal, it would be different this time. I am not going to live in fear. I’ve been there before and I can’t do this again.”

“Do what? What I can’t do is report my whereabouts to you every friggin minute. Back off Richard! I told you what happened; leave it alone. Fuck, just leave me alone! Get out of my sight; I’m sleeping on the couch.” I hated the fact that I was being questioned, but I realized that the Lambert case had made an everlasting impact on our marriage. It drained us completely. We gave up everything to move to Prince Edward Island. The condo on the port was Richard’s baby. He spent endless hours decorating it and standing back with pride as he observed his work. He lost it all in the move and it was cruel on my part not to sympathize and be more understanding of his needs. Tomorrow I would make this right. I would apologize to the man I love and promise to be more considerate. My job was just that, my job. Richard had given up a high paying position with Thompson Financial group, and now he was selling insurance for the Sunlight. He gave it all up for me, to follow my lead and only because I took on the Lambert case in the first place. Our lives changed forever.

I approached the bedroom door. Richard was sitting in a chair by the window. It was obvious that he had been crying. I reached for him. “I’m so sorry. You are right. It was selfish and inconsiderate of me not to take your feelings into account. Forgive me Richard. I was wrong.”

“I want you to know how much I love and worry about you. That’s all! Give me time Adam. I am sure that I will get over this. We had explosives put under our car and our home ransacked by the mafia. I guess I’m still living in fear. It is because I love you that I am worried.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Richard reached over and kissed me with such desperation: no words were necessary. We went to bed and I told him that tomorrow I would vow to make changes if that is what it took to reinforce his trust in me. It wasn’t easy coming back. We had lost everything when we left Montreal... returning was like starting all over again. As luck would have it though, I owned the building that my original office was in and when we moved to the Maritimes, I rented my space out to an internet company that went belly-up about the same time as our planned return. I was able to move back into my old premises. A little bit of plaster and paint brought the place back to its original state.

We weren’t as lucky about our living quarters. It broke my heart seeing Richard make do. He had put much love and effort into our new condo. The Old Port was the perfect backdrop for Richard to develop and implement his wonderful taste in décor. When we sold the condo we barely broke even. If it meant me taking on a heavier workload, I would make sure that one day Richard would have his condo back again. All I had to do was get the perfect case. The one case that would make me recognized. Of course, every private eye/lawyer dreams of that one case… but I would find it! I would become prominent in the trade and with that have a choice as to who my clients might be. Hopefully they would be a blend of the rich and famous, people that could afford big bucks for a sought after, much in demand, private investigator. Or if they wanted a lawyer, with my law degree, I could also act on their behalf. I would clean up my appearance and change the way I approached my new business. But for now I had to put food on the table. Upon returning, Richard had a few job interviews but his experience outmatched the salary he was being offered, so he had to settle for a job way below his qualifications. There was definitely work out there but finding the perfect fit was worth waiting it out. I was not worried about Richard; he would find something soon.

* * * *

Over the next couple of days, I concentrated on marketing strategies to improve my business. I realized that my office location was not attracting the diversified clientele that I had hoped for. It consisted mainly of LGBT caseloads. These were the people who needed legal defense but because of their lifestyle, some found it awkward to go through the normal channels… normal as defined by the straight community that is. With this group came very little money. The courts, although seemingly fighting for the rights of all, usually put my cases at the bottom of the pile. I had no proof of this but a friend within the system volunteered the information and my education in law, at times, made me more aware.

I liked my office building but was seriously considering opening another office and hiring staff nearer the downtown core. I refused to give up my space. This building was where it all started for me. When my mother died, the insurance money afforded buying this office building outright. After a few enhancements, it’s where I began my career. I could not let it go, not yet.

I wonder if Doctor Marie Desjardins would approve of my practice. Mom always wanted a son that would give her grandchildren. You would think that she being a doctor would be more understanding but she was anything but. She always accepted me; she had no other choice. I knew her acceptance was with forged feelings. Her ghostly companions of bitterness and resentment kept all that tried to enter her circle at a distance, especially the male gender. She hated men. She competed with men. She would not let men near. They became the enemy and I was growing into one of them. She should have been relieved knowing that I was gay. I was a nice mixture of daughter/son personalities.

I can only guess that she felt she had failed as a woman by producing this child who attempted to be a straight male. Perhaps, knowing her hatred for the male species, she could have beaten up on me if I were stronger. I could have been her punching bag, letting her release all of her pent up frustrations. My female characteristics caused a conflict of sorts and she fought with this unresolved issue until death.

When I was younger I was able to glean together small bits of information regarding my father. Mom told me that she was an international student. She was exceptional in her studies and outranked many applicants for entrance to Oxford. That is where she met Steven Garwood, my father. He was a descendent from the first family of Garwoods. They mingled with the upper class. Mom very rarely talked about him but when she did, it was the only time that she became vulnerable and she immediately stopped the conversation.

Apparently my father’s family would not accept this Canadian commoner. The young lovebirds ran off and married. Steven Garwood was disinherited and his allowance taken from him. He would have to live by his own merits. He had some medical issues and his family had always supported him. Venturing out alone, he realized how unemployable he was and what was once a wonderful budding romance soon became a burdensome life! There was no money and no place to call home. Their forbidden love was now a shackled attempt at togetherness. When it couldn’t get any worse, my mother realized that she was expecting me. Steven left before I was born and Mother was forced to return to Montreal. I don’t think that she ever heard from my father again, or at least she never mentioned it to me.

When Marie returned, she returned as a beaten spirit, never to be the same. Her parents begrudgingly took her in and looked after me while she completed her last year at McGill University. It did not take long before she was able to join forces with another graduate Doctor in Psychology and they set up a small practice in Saint Laurent, a suburb of Montreal. Imagine a mother who is in that field and she could not deal with her gay son! Ironic! I always saw disappointment in her eyes. It soon overshadowed any feelings of love that I had from her. I felt that I was her biggest failure.

She died coming home from a weekend up north. Her car spun off the road and hit a tree. I regretted never having closure and this made me cold and untrusting of people. Later I was told that she wasn’t the only passenger in the car. There was a male with her. What? Was she having an affair? He died three days after the accident. When I found out that he had a family, wife and children, I did not inquire any further. What was the point? I moved on with my life.

When I met and fell in love with Richard; all that changed. Nothing mattered anymore. I was complete.

* * * *

I could not keep myself away. Something was drawing me there. Although I had not seen Gritty since, I would go out of my way to pass rue Dalcourt. My pace became slower as I walked in his direction, hoping to see him. I realized that I should leave it be but there was a hint of mystery attached to this homeless man. He did not belong there. I hated the fact that we were interrupted as he was about to tell me his story. Or, so I thought that he was about to tell me, a very optimistic acuity on my part.

The days were getting shorter and the influx of tourists was thinning out. Seasonal changes were beginning. The fall brought about a need to nest and organize for the onslaught of winter. I wanted my pantry to be full: my freezer stocked and lots of warm clothing ready. I thought about how the first pilgrims must have felt preparing for the cold months ahead. Once Thanksgiving approached, the frigid temperatures soon followed. And as the season changed, my thoughts of Gritty changed as well. I worried about him and wondered how he and all the others like him, made it through these bitter cold times. In the past, I never really thought much about the homeless, but after meeting Gritty and putting a voice to their plight… it became very real. He represented every man, woman and child living in dire need of help. These thoughts would soon consume me.

It was early evening, 4:30 to be exact. The street lamps were on and because of the darkness you could not decipher whether it was early or late evening. I hated daylight savings. I went my usual route but this time as I passed Dalcourt, there seemed to be some kind of ruckus going on. A police patroller was stopped by what appeared to be a small fire. Its flames seemed overtly bright against the shrouding darkness. A group of homeless men was trying to extinguish the fire with their feet. The men were visibly shaken. It was difficult to presume what was the cause of their agitated state: the fright of being confronted by the law, or the extreme conditions caused by the cold weather. It could also have been panic that the fire would blaze out of control. As the patroller exited, their muffled voices escalated with accusations. I turned to leave feeling guilty… knowing that only a coward would walk away. It was easier to leave than stay. I hated myself at that moment but I continued to go.

I jumped in horror as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I quickly turned in defense. I attempted to raise my arm but he proceeded to hold it in place. “I’m sorry. I’m only protecting myself. Please, don’t be afraid.” It was him. It was Gritty. “Do you remember me?” he said beseechingly.

“Of course I do. How are you?” And the moment I uttered the words, I thought, how stupid of me! He was living in a box and I asked him how he was doing? I didn’t know if I was in shock or really frightened, but I did know that I was happy to see him. I felt complete; I wanted to hug him. “I’m sorry Gritty; that was not very considerate of me.” The next words out of my mouth were, “Did you eat today?”

“What do you think?” he retorted. “The maid could not make it in this morning, so I am a little hungry.” We both looked at each other and gave a small laugh. The surrounding conditions were horrific and it was at that precise moment that I knew my life was about to change. I had no choice. I had to do it. I reached for my cell and dialed her number.

“Lexus, it’s me. It’s Adam. Yes, I’m fine. I need your help. I don’t have time for small talk. Are you still renting out rooms? I’m not stupid; I know what they are for, but unfortunately I could use one! Maybe a week, a month: I’m not sure. Okay, thanks, we’re on our way. I owe you.” What can I say about Lexus? She worked the streets. She was all too familiar with street people and their needs. She made a lot of money catering to the cops and politicians who frequented these hidden alleys in search of forbidden lust and cheap whiskey. She was the liaison or what I like to describe as the broker between good and bad. She earned her money working for the undercover cops and in return provided food and shelter to women and sometimes men in need of money for their survival. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood, or Mrs. Robin Hood. She was smart. With the money that she made working the streets, she was able to buy a small run-down boarding house and make it into a place of pleasure or a brothel to be more precise. Lexus, although, liked to call it a hotel; it made her feel much more professional. I met her years ago while working on a case. I was defending a high profile justice minister accused of banging a prostitute. His wife was not too pleased and hired me so I tracked them down to Lexus’ and she was granted a divorce with full custody of their children.

“Gritty, don’t ask questions. Just follow me.” He did not say anything and as we entered the building he was content to let me lead. You had to punch a code that I was all too familiar with. Lexus greeted me with concern. Her look said everything. She was a beautiful woman, if you liked a mixture of class with trash. I happened to love it! Refinement with a touch of dazzle. Her smile was the first thing that one noticed. It was welcoming and endearing to all that came within close proximity to her. Her kindness and understanding of the human condition made everyone want to be with her.

She was not a petite lady by any means but she moved her ample girth with the poise of a ballerina. Femininity consumed her. Her plentiful bosom portrayed a motherly look and men blaming their own mothers for their inept insecurities could find comfort in the depth of her welcoming embrace. If ever there was a mother earth; it was Lexus. Her hair was bright red, typical one may assume of a Madame. The scent of her perfume saturated the air lingering for hours after she left. She was well into her 60s but age never played a factor in her overall sexuality and zest for life. Age meant nothing.

I used to fantasize about being straight… I knew that Lexus would have been the type of woman that I would have been attracted to. Many times we’d sit for hours well into the night, vodka in hand, trying to solve the mysteries of this wonderful planet. She was one of the smartest women I knew. I valued our friendship, and I realized that an explanation of this closeness would only be in defense of it and I saw no need. It was what it was. She was there for me and that is all that mattered. For some reason I had never told Richard about her. He would only find fault and Lexus was not up for debate. I know that married couples share things but I did not want to share her. Lexus belonged to me, me alone. I loved Richard with all my heart but I also loved Lexus. It was not in the normal way a man loves a woman but nevertheless, it was love. I have tried on many occasions to rationalize my feelings for her but gave up and accepted it. She was my special place to fall when I needed to talk and have someone listen. She was my one and only comfort, the only person who truly got and understood me. I would leave it up to a greater power to figure out our destiny.

An alarmed look came over her face as she locked eyes with Gritty but without any need for explanation; she had a room ready for us. “I will send up some fresh clothing and a warm bowl of soup. Your friend looks as if he needs one.” She then glanced again in his direction. I looked over at Gritty and he seemed stunned by the situation.

Lexus prepared to leave and for a brief moment our eyes locked in that unconditional understanding. No words needed to be spoken. I could sense a concern about her but she trusted me enough not to question. “If there is anything else that I can get you, please let me know,” she said preparing her exit.

“Wait Lexus. I need to talk with you.” I turned to Gritty and told him I would be back in a moment and then went into the hall.

She started talking before I had a chance. “Adam, it’s not any of my business about the whys and wherefores of your day. Just be careful. Remember what happened the last time you took in a stray.”

“Lexus, he is a bum I found on the street. I feel sorry for him. I couldn’t leave him there. He approached me. What was I to do? It’s cold out there! Have you met him before?”

She looked at me knowingly and continued. “I hope that is all it is. Will you tell Richard about this one? And yes, I have seen him in the district, hanging around my building.”

“Lexus, it is nothing like what happened before.”

“Did you ever tell Richard the real reason for you moving to Prince Edward Island?”

“No.”

“And then the reason for your return?” she asked.

“No,” I answered sheepishly.

“Adam, I promise your secret is safe with me. I want you to know that he came around the other week looking for you. I told him you were not in Montreal anymore. It seemed to satisfy his curiosity, but you never know. He might explode and we will all be in deep shit.”

“You saw him? What did he look like? Did he seem healthy?”

“He seemed fine. I think that he will have more to lose than you if it ever gets out. Try not to worry. I will keep my eyes and ears open for you. Like I said, he has more at stake than you. Always remember who his father is?”

Lexus kissed me goodbye as Peter brought the refreshments to the room. I opened the door and Gritty was like a new man. What was once paled white skin from the cold had a rosy colour coming back to its surface. When he finished eating, I helped him clean up, put fresh clothes on and tucked him in for the night.

I did not know what tomorrow would bring. I told Richard I was working late and it was not unusual for me to do so. I found myself lying more and more to him. The one secret he would never know is why I really left Montreal for the Maritimes.

Only Lexus and I shared that. It was definitely a combination of mafia exploits but anyone who really knew me, knew it would take more than that to scare me off. Richard had a lot to learn about me and I loved him with all my heart but I would not share this. I started to question my relationship with Richard. We were married and supposed to share everything. It bothered me, my lack of disclosure to my husband. By not saying anything about Lexus was really the same thing as lying to him. I started to be concerned about my commitment. Perhaps getting married was not for me. I did not want to lose Richard and felt the need to own him. But marriage is not about possession; it is a bonding of two souls totally committed to one another. I started to question my dedication and my pledge to Richard. I felt like a liar by fault of omission. I felt unworthy of him.

Lexus always covered for me. I started to think back over my day. I couldn’t help but notice the way that she had looked at Gritty. It was more than a casual hello. Something was up! Did he remind her of someone? Perhaps she was tired; I’d never seen that look in her eyes before. It is very possible that she was completely worried about me and the secret we shared.

Time would tell.