1. Our “all-inclusive” rate? Typically, that doesn’t include alcohol, tips, shore excursions, Internet, dining outside our dining room, and what you spend on casino or bingo play. And please, do come play: Your odds are often even worse than on land.
2. Always look at the ship’s deck plan before you choose your cabin. Don’t pick one directly under the gym, the pool deck, the disco, or any late-night venue. Know that if you book a cabin at the front of the ship, you’re going to feel some up-and-down motion.
3. If your ship permits it, pack a charging station or a power strip. Many cruise ships still have only one or two outlets per cabin—and that’s not going to cut it in 2016.
4. If you’re arriving by car, do not park in the cruise terminal, which can cost $20 to $30 a day. Off-site lots typically cost half as much, offer shuttle service to port, and have your car waiting with the AC on at trip’s end.
5. You’re twice as likely to be sexually assaulted on a cruise as you are on land, a 2011 study found, and two thirds of assailants are crew members. Yet cases are hard to prosecute, with alcohol often involved and police often not on board. Stay safe by sticking with a friend.
6. Shhh … here’s a secret: You can book many of the same land excursions we offer for a fraction of the cost by arranging them privately with tour companies beforehand.
7. For God’s sake, wash your hands. There were 11 outbreaks on cruise ships in the first six months of 2016, almost as many as in all of 2015. Most were norovirus, a highly contagious bug that causes stomach cramps, vomiting, and diarrhea.
8. Thanks to laws that allow us to register our ships in foreign nations, we don’t have to comply with U.S. labor regulations, so crew members typically work 12 to 13 hours every day, with no minimum wage, overtime, or benefits. Don’t be shocked if your service reflects this.
9. Ever wonder where we get all that freshwater? We make it. That’s right—giant onboard desalination systems remove salt and impurities from ocean water so it’s safe to drink.
10. Our Wi-Fi prices can be crazy high for subpar performance. So save your surfing for port days, and ask the crew for the nearest free hot spot. (Since they can’t afford ship Wi-Fi either, crew members flock to Internet cafés when they disembark.)
11. Sorry, procrastinators: Most cruise lines now favor early booking promotions over last-minute deals, and the least expensive rooms sell out first. For the lowest price, book right when we announce an itinerary, often about 18 months out.
12. We’re not required to report thefts of less than $10,000, so no one knows how much petty crime really happens on board. But it’s a lot: Leave your valuables at home.
13. We really do train for pirate attacks (even though they’re extremely rare). We can’t share many details, but let’s just say that our ship’s fire hoses can fight more than fires.
SOURCES: Sherry Kennedy, founder of cruisemaven.com; Jim Walker, a maritime attorney who specializes in cruise-line law; Brian David Bruns, a former crew member on six cruise lines and the author of Cruise Confidential; a former cruise crew member from Thailand; and three current cruise-line employees who asked to remain anonymous.