Now that your date’s set up, optimize your prospects. Setting the mood is essential to the art of culinary seduction. Don’t expect your date to walk through your front door, take one bite of a microwaved meal, and assume the position. Remember: the reason you didn’t call a whore is because you are too goddamn cheap.
When it comes to a dinner date, pregaming is essential. Think of it like prepping to go out, but the two of you are going nowhere but your bedroom. Remove any snags that could trip up your game. Don’t overlook minor details. A used condom wrapper can condemn your Herculean efforts. That’s game over no matter what you cook, what drinks you pair with the food, or the connection you build. You will find yourself doing the dishes early and desperately texting booty calls of last resort.
You want the polar opposite: for them to insist on satisfying your every urge. That requires comfort. No one is going to put out unless they are at ease (unless you pay them—see above). This should not be some random trollop you ravaged in the photo booth at the back of the bar. This date is classy and presumably out of your league. You will blow their mind with the simple, effective Cook to Bang method. So sweat the details. Stack the chips in your favor. Play to win. COOK TO FUCKING BANG!
Visual impressions stay in our mind long after the smell of lust fades away. That’s why the lights in your pad need to be your wingmen, not a kick in the nuts. Illuminate your libido with lights that make your guest go “Oh fucking yes!” instead of “Hell fucking no!”
Candlelit dinners are cliché, but flickering light is hypnotic. It’s man’s primitive worship of fire. You become Prometheus stealing the flame from Mount Olympus. The drawback is candles are obvious and can appear try-hard. The best approach is to have the candles on the dinner table already, which is only fitting if you Cook to Bang often. Don’t appear to be pulling out all stops to impress them (even if you are). Use candles in candle-holders. Don’t cheap out with those one-dollar glass Jesus candles (unless your date is a Hipster Ho-bag). You don’t want your date thinking you still live in your mom’s basement.
Soft lighting is essential. Flickering fluorescent lights belong in a doctor’s waiting room. Unless you are playing doctor, or are a doctor, don’t let your date’s mind wander to their last pap smear or prostate exam. Soft light is sexier. Having blemishes or being a deformed man-thing becomes less obvious. The only place bright lights make sense is in the kitchen. Your cooking corner doesn’t need to be lit up like a porn shoot, but you should be able to see so you don’t set your pad or date on fire. Allow for a smoother transition to the dinner table where soft light is essential for creating intimacy. You never want to alter the lighting blatantly. Your intentions and next move will become predictable. Keep the lights at a constant level of sexy and make like a seduction ninja. Your date shouldn’t realize what’s up until your tongue is already in their mouth.
Be smart when you shop for your lighting. The cooler the lights you buy, the better off your libido. Antiques are winners so long as they aren’t a fire hazard or clash with the rest of your furniture. Off beat lamps are also great so long as they don’t make you look like an overgrown teenager. I have a ridiculous lamp that rotates with dolphins and fish swimming. I call it my ocean view and it always gets a laugh.
Good hygiene can make the difference between getting off and getting online to download porn. That means cleaning your place before your date arrives. How old are you anyway? Take a little pride in your personal space. At least appear to have your shit together. Don’t let them think that your sex lair doubles as a frat house. Cockroaches crawling out of the pizza box tower in your living room doesn’t scream hot sex on a platter. A gross pad will create discomfort and yield no banging. You don’t have to be a germaphobe in a Hazmat suit. Just wipe down the nasty once in a while.
Chances are you will first hook up with your date in the living room. You will be chilling on the couch after the impressive meal you made. Don’t screw the pooch by being careless. Keep the place free of excuses for your date to change their mind.
Frame Something
Kids have posters hung with thumbtacks. Adults have framed posters or art. This speaks volumes for you, so get with the program!
Make It Sparkle
Keeping your living room spotless is essential because it is here where your date decides how far they will let you get with them.
Hide Anything Offensive
That means porno mags, loaded guns, or your laptop open to cooktobang .com.
Remove All Paraphernalia
Unless your date partakes in your vices, it’s best to keep the bongs, syringes, and crack pipes hidden.
YOUR BATHROOM
So many supposedly mature people just don’t get it. Your date will use your bathroom at some point if things go well. Keep it hygienic. You don’t need a maid to keep your date from running away in terror. Here are some bathroom basics you should already know.
Clean the Toilet
You don’t want questionable substances caked to the bowl or floating menacingly on top.
Keep Toilet Paper Stocked
Newsflash, guys. Girls use a lot of toilet paper. Don’t make them call out desperately to you for a new roll. Let them maintain their feminine mystique . . . before you violate it, that is.
Wipe Down the Sink and Counter
All it takes is a wet cloth or paper towel. Ten seconds of your time to remove the scum, you scumbag.
Hang Your Towels Neatly
This is another simple move. Seduction is all about details.
YOUR BEDROOM
This is where the good times roll in the hay, the date’s final destination. Don’t shoot your game in the crotch when you make it this far.
Wash Those Sheets
You don’t want cum stains or pubes exposing your past indiscretions.
Make Your Bed
That doesn’t mean a fancy hotel tuck you will undo in the throes of passion. It’s just sexier to fall into a made bed than one that is unkempt, dirty, and covered with stank-ass gym clothes.
Pick Up Your Crap
Don’t leave a massive pile of clothes in the middle of the floor. Buy a hamper or just stuff them into your closet or deep under your bed.
Destroy All Evidence
Always remove evidence of previous playtime pals such as jewelry, lingerie, hair clips, anal beads, etc. Never ever leave used condoms in the trash!
YOURSELF
There’s a reason why hippies usually date other hippies. It’s a hygiene thing. The rest of our noses have standards. We don’t want to hook up with Granola Girl or the Grizzly Man. So clean your body before a date.
Wash Away the Sin
You don’t want to reek of anything but sex appeal.
A Clean Shave
Unless you’re rocking some hipster ’stache, shave before a date. Ladies, this should be obvious. Chin burn and chafed legs after monkey sex aren’t pleasant.
To Smell or Not to Smell
Whether that means deodorant, cologne, perfume, or au naturel, you want to smell good, but subtle. Overpowering scents are worse than BO.
Ladies: doing yourself up before a date never hurt nobody. Accentuate your beauty. Guys: the eyeliner is not necessary!
The olfactory senses are the most sensitive to stimulation and revulsion. The nose knows if you will remove those pantyhose. The solution is to keep things smelling pleasant, not putrid. That means showering with soap. Back when I was a smelly longhair in college, I thought a rinse off would suffice. I was wrong. The same rules apply to your pad.
Make a great olfactory first impression by being halfway through the cooking when your date arrives. Their sensual scent memories will trigger. In the back of their mind they will think, “Keeper.” This puts you in control. You are cooking anyway, so start it off right. It can’t be obvious that you’ve been waiting for them with bated breath with your hands down your pants. Also, the smell of good food can negate rancid smells you couldn’t quite hide.
Cook to Bang can’t happen with an audience unless your date is an exhibitionist. Wooing requires that no interference derail the connection. Get your pad all to yourself. If you live alone, lucky you! Single people who live alone always fare better. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology. (Just don’t get your dates mixed up and invite them over the same night, unless you’re sure you can pull off a threesome.) Most young singles have roommates or live with their family out of necessity. You may love and adore the people you live with, but know that they are game killers.
Roommates
Young adults live with a friend or acquaintance because they haven’t quite made it. These can be nurturing friendships. But sharing your pad isn’t conducive to Cooking and Banging. You can’t seduce with your oblivious roommate watching Sports Center in their underwear. If your roomie likes to party, they might bring the whole bar home. And worst of all, they may try stealing your date. So what’s a Cook to Banger to do?
Family
First off, my apologies if you live at home. That’s player’s kryptonite. Worry not, for someday you can afford to live in your own den of debauchery. For now, your moments free from parents, grandparents, and siblings are rare. Chances are you will be interrupted by an annoying sibling singing “[your name] and [date’s name] sitting in a tree.” Innovation is the bastard child of inconvenience. I have faith that you will spin the situation into a less pathetic hue.
Do yourself a favor. Get a dining room table with matching chairs. Your mojo depends on it. Besides, you aren’t blowing serious coin at a restaurant. Never make cooking at home seem like the shortcut that it is. Always eat at a table when you Cook to Bang, unless you only serve appetizers and wine. That’s how grown-ups eat. Your dates will be more responsive if you don’t plop your asses on the couch with plates in your laps. Here’s why:
Eye contact: Conversation will flow like a waterfall.
Better digestion: Indigestion from slouching = fail.
Behold, your feast: Spread out your culinary triumph.
Banging on the table: Sweep everything off and ravage your date.
Set the Table
That extra mile spent setting the table is well worth it. Don’t be the bozo that places everything in the wrong place. Would you pitch a tent haphazardly, setting poles up according to your laziest whim? Of course not! The tent would come crashing down at the slightest breeze or chupacrabra attack. Why set up the frame for your meal with any less care? Place the right utensils in the right locations. Make sure they match. Don’t serve wine in a vintage E.T. glass or Back to the Future thermos. There are essential table-setting laws.
Glasses
Silverware
Plates
Napkins
Everyone has his or her own musical tastes. While some songs make you cream your pants, other songs make you prefer to hear the death rattle of your only child. It speaks volumes for our over-privileged and self-indulgent culture that we have the luxury to debate it ad nauseam. Entire social cliques are built around musical tastes. Beatniks, hippies, punks, hip-hoppers, grunge rockers, ravers, hipsters, and whatever comes next all have a soundtrack to their lives. And we haven’t touched on subgenres.
My conundrum is that the hottest women listen to the worst music. Ever been to a trendy club with the most beautiful people? I’m picky about my music and Top 40 inspires me to lie down in traffic. Sometimes I just swallow my pride and pretend to enjoy it for the sake of my libido. Still it’s best to figure out what music your date digs either by asking them directly or investigating like a Digital Dick, as we discussed in chapter 3. Your best bet is to shelve your obscure grooves unless your date shares your love for Tuvan throat singers.
That doesn’t mean you can’t turn them on . . . to something new. Tread lightly with the mainstream dates like Yummy Yuppies and Sororiteases/Frat-holes. Their ears are less receptive to music unavailable in the Walmart music aisle. Play something in line with their tastes that is less abrasive to your ears. You want to be able to open up their world to all sorts of experiences. Just be sure the unfamiliar music doesn’t sound like monks disemboweling each other. That double live album of “My Shiny Small Intestine” isn’t date soundtrack material.
The clever Cook to Bang chef has music prepped before their date arrives. Technology leaves you with no excuse for not prepping the perfect seduction mix. Make a mix tape if you still live in the 80s. There’s always your computer, iPod, or other mp3 device. You don’t want to fumble around in the midst of macking to find that one song by that one band on that one album.
Sexy music is in the ear of the beholder. But I have compiled a list of music that has led to both my success stories and humiliating failures. No doubt, some of you will dismiss my suggestions as pure poppycock. What do I know about music anyway? My expertise lies in cooking and banging.
Cook to Bang Certified Sexy Time Albums
Cook to Bang Me Now Playlist
Mood Murdering Music