All your Cook to Bang efforts come down to this. Your strategy, approach, menu, drinks, pregaming, flirting, and manipulating all lead you to this moment. It’s when your id takes over and pounces. How do you transition from munching food to carpet?
Read the vibe and harness the chemistry. Easier said than done. You can misread signals and end up feeling like a chump. Exposing yourself at the dinner table on the first date may indicate you were a bit cocky. But there is never shame in trying. I have faith that you will guide them like an air traffic controller safely onto your bed. Go from zero to banging in sixty minutes without hitting any cock-blocking red lights. Vroom fucking vroom!
You can tell whether the evening will leave you balls deep or balls blue by how your date greets you. A hug or kiss on the cheek is a good omen. A handshake or no contact at all means you’ll be spooning your pillow . . . if you’re lucky. Humans reveal a lot unwittingly. It’s like poker. Be on the lookout for tells (signs) that they are bluffing (being prude) or holding a straight flush (condom in pocket). You will know when it’s time to go all in with your pride and transition from Cook to Bang.
You can bluff your way into fornication with enough bravado. That is where your body language comes into play. You can gauge your prospects by their reciprocation. Those who play along, grab back, or smile when you touch them are good to go. If they inch away from you like swine flu is oozing from your pores, you best hide your wounded paw, slow down, and formulate Plan B.
As mentioned in the last chapter, never dominate the conversation or be a pompous gasbag. Let your date yap on about shoes while expertly guiding the conversation toward more favorable subjects. Avoid controversial topics that lure out the liberal or conservative crackpots. Keep it light, fun, and flirty. Dates are supposed to be led to spontaneous NSA (no strings attached) banging, not a poorly written romantic comedy moment.
Whatever you do, never ever EVER bring up the ex, yours or theirs. Cook to Bang isn’t about stirring up the ghosts of relationships past. This is doubly true if you both know this person. You become an insensitive anus brain. You might inspire your date to reignite their toxic affair. Why feed the vibe worm-infested meat? You will come off as petty, pathetic, and dwelling on the past. Some respond to the wounded animal vibe, but they usually become more like mother or father figures than sex partners. If conversation derails, guide the sexy train back onto the tracks.
Maintain close proximity to your date throughout the evening. The objective is to move ever closer as you flirt, caress, and charm your way into their personal space. Think of it like positioning in business: smack that bottom line’s ass. Never cross the line from keen to creepy. You want the transition from talking to kissing to be natural. Don’t cross the room to pounce like a lion. Make like a leopard that’s already next to them.
Initiate a close proximity as soon as you greet them. Draw closer while you cook, eat, and finally connect. Lean in when you talk, scoot your chair closer so you can “hear them better,” sidle up next to them to show them something. Transition from the dinner table to the couch (love seat). Never sit in separate chairs after dinner. You want to be side by side, bodies touching, minds connecting.
Timing is crucial in any successful endeavor. Nothing benefits or suffers from timing like the first move. You need to pounce when Jupiter has aligned with Pluto while Saturn’s moon is rising—aka when the time is right. Read the signs like a blind man with Braille porn. Wait for that perfect moment before you bust a move and nut. Trust your gut. You will see it telegraphed through physicality and conversation. Wait for that window to open. Never let that rarified moment pass you by. And never try to pry open a shut window of op-porn-tunity. Don’t halt a perfectly awesome night by ramming your tongue down their throat at the wrong time.
Oh, the awkward pause. Sigh. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of. Awkward isn’t always a bad thing. These are merely windows of opportunity for you to pounce. Never hesitate. Don’t be bashful and bring up something trivial like it being perfect weather for seal-clubbing. Better yet, don’t talk at all. A pregnant pause is a green light for you to approach with your mouth. Your date will either kiss back or give you their cheek. If it’s the latter, remember: no shame and no regrets!
This should be the natural progression if you read all the signs and observe the rules of the game suggested here. Go with the sexy flow and be triumphant. The vibe is either there or it’s not. Bonus points for creativity. My greatest successes start when there’s an awkward pause while I’m in close proximity. I squeeze their hand. If they squeeze back, it’s on!
So it’s finally on. You Cooked to Bang like a champ and now you have your tongue in their mouth. Some dates can’t wait for you to tear off their clothes like a barbarian. But some hookups can be skittish, like wounded deer. Don’t scare them back into the brush by being too aggressive. By that same token, don’t wimp out being too much of a gentleman or lady. You need to find the line between prude and whore.
Most dates decide how far they will go long before they show up. Your goal is to manipulate them into thinking it was their decision to bang you. Take your time building momentum. Unless this is a quickie, don’t push too hard, too fast. Never underestimate the effectiveness of foreplay. Spend time stroking their hair and back, kissing their neck, nibbling their ears. Then grab their hips and ass, pulling them toward you. The object of these baby steps is to get them so hot and bothered they can’t say no. Take this opportunity to see how far you can creep without coming off like a creep.
Cook to Bang Golden Hookup Rules